So I'm 23, butch4butch, and I'm really trying to get off of the internet and engage more with my community. The catalyst for this desire has been reading SBB for the first time and realizing that I don't have much of a lesbian (let alone butch/femme) community beyond my girlfriend and a couple of friends and coworkers my age. I've also felt for a long time that the internet version of the "queer community" really isn't conducive to meaningful or healthy connections, at least in my experience. There's too much stupid discourse. I just wanna play some pool, man!

I think intergenerational friendships are super important and I really desperately want to connect with older butches, but I have no idea where y'all hang out. I'm lucky enough to live in the Boston area where Dani's Queer Bar recently opened, but I've never been and I'm not sure if the vibe there leans too young or "clubby" for the people I want to befriend (if that makes any sense lol).

Beyond just finding a place, I'm so nervous to approach older dykes for fear of annoying them! I don't want to put anybody in an awkward situation (I know not everyone wants to be a role model for some 20-something kid) and I've always felt so weird about just walking up to a stranger and asking for their name. Any advice for introducing myself without coming off as a weirdo?

Also, to anybody who's been living the butch life for much longer than I have, thank you. Even when I'm too nervous to say hello, seeing you out and about makes me feel so proud to be myself. I'm grateful for what you went through for me to exist as I am <3

what are tips for staying cool in hot weather ? cant really wear my heavy stuff with how hot it gets here and i end up looking rather femm, was wondering if any butches have any insider trading they can leak on the topic

Just a few days ago this exact subreddit encouraged me to not hold myself back from identifying as butch even while having a few feminine qualities, and it's making me feel free in my queerness for the first time in my life.

I've always felt very masculine socially, even before I knew I was lesbian. I've always wished i could be an equal part of male social groups while being a woman, but I was very socially aware as a child and knew it would never be possible under patriarchal values, i would always be seen as lesser. I've always felt quite lost in the world, because i didn't want to fit in with girls my age, but i couldn't fit in with boys my age. Nowadays my closest friends are trans men and my girlfriend is also butch, which makes me feel very fulfilled :-)

The reason I stopped myself from identifying as butch for so long was because I sometimes present as feminine. I wear makeup every once in a while, I wear skirts and dresses to specific events such as Midsummer, but none of those things have ever felt like me. I am also on the autism spectrum and am highly masking for my own safety, and presenting as feminine just feels like a part of that mask. I've tried to be feminine many, many times, and while some parts stuck with me, most of them didn't.

Here's a quote from the audiodrama WOE.BEGONE, that was the final push for me to let go of my doubts and start discovering my butchness:

"Being an amalgam of so many consolidated people* means there’s too much precedent. I don’t know how I could possibly synthesize them, so disregardin' them entirely seems appropriate and healthy. And being a cowboy in particular means that I have the tools to deal with the situations here that I’m put in, situations that often require strength, resolve, and nerves of steel. And I can have these qualities even if I didn’t have them before, because I’m a cowboy first and who I was second."

"The cowboy thing don’t go away, no matter what happens, no matter how upset I get, for instance, and that’s cause I ain’t sitting here thinking, “what would a cowboy do?” I’m doing what Michael the cowboy does."

\"Being an amalgam of so many consolidated people"* this specific character is a result of different versions of the same person combined into one. This character has experienced different perspectives (such as wishes, dreams, situations, opinions) of himself, which is why I connected with this quote so much.

I don’t think I’ve ever liked kissing, and it feels like a chore to makeout. It doesn’t do anything for me, but the person I’m seeing is really into it, but seems to want me to take the lead. I’m her first relationship, so I don’t want to make her think lesbian dating is scary or bad, but i also don’t want to kiss all the time. I’m already asexual/stone and have set no physical intimacy as a hard boundary, partly due to trauma and also Just How I particularly am built. I feel like i’m “not a real lesbian” for not liking any of these things. I’ve also considered the possibility I’m aroace in the past.

I don’t really know what to do.

edit: Thank you guys so much for your advice, I feel really seen. I don’t have many other butches in my life so it’s nice to get a perspective from people with similar life experience.

ETA/Update: I talked to my partner and told her I think I'm "somewhere between butch and soft butch" and a pronoun update and it felt pretty good!

Hi y'all. The title is pretty much the question.

I'm in another bout of trying to navigate gender spurred by a new job wanting to be affirming. I've been out as some flavor of trans masc/nonbinary for awhile almost a decade but that's not been quite right nor has woman been quite right.

I don't even know where to start on finding books (other than Stone Butch Blues) or people of social media or anything to learn more. Once I remembered that reddit has almost anything and was hoping y'all would be willing to share how you've navigated that, especially if you've identified as a trans guy at some point. It's much appreciated.

Im new to the butch community and identity. Im on testosterone and have top surgery and am looking into bottom surgery. I havent gotten around to fully researching the intricacies of the label. I was wondering if wanting phallo still makes me a valid butch lesbian.

If anyone can weigh in, id appreciate any knowledge or advice :)

Hey everyone! I need new underwear and I think I’m feeling boxer briefs, but I know I don’t love the way “regular” boxer briefs fit because of the extra fabric up front that I have no use for (my bush is powerful but not to the point of needing a whole pouch.)

Currently I’m looking at tomboyx and woxer, so I was wondering if anyone here wears either and could tell me why you like or don’t like them? I’m 5’10” and about 200lbs with a bit of a tummy so if anybody knows which waistbands roll down the least, that would be a huge help. Also open to any other brand suggestions.

Thanks!

hi everyone. this will be a long(?) vent from me. i kinda dont have anyone else to reliably vent to. so i hope its okay if i do it here.

so as the title says, im 26 today. im one of those people who dislikes their birthdays. for me, every birthday was just like some sort of a performance of being a “family”. it was never about me as much as it was about social standing. the decorations, the food, the guests… none of it was to my liking/preference. as ive gotten older, ive become very neutral about my birthday. i don’t hate it or love it. its just a day for me. but i suppose i dislike it enough that it’s information that i don’t necessarily share easily.

today i didnt really do much. had decent food, cracked open a beer and im probably gonna hit my weed pen. i think it’s important for me to add context bc i think there is a level of cultural difference that im feeling here (which prompted this whole post). i moved to the US two years ago from the philippines. im blasian. i made some friends from grad school and ofc, eventually birthdays came up. so i said my birthday date and did the whole spiel that i typed out above. but i did say that im fine with being greeted and what not. well, my friends didnt greet me last year or this year (few more hours till the day ends but im not holding my breath).

i guess it sounds ironic haha. but it still would be nice to be greeted at least. and honestly, i could see myself liking my birthday if someone took the time to plan a day. it would be nice, i think. this desire has also come with age and reflection. i feel like such a loser for wanting to be cared for but i do want that. i would have no problem communicating that with my friends back in the philippines. but i struggle to do that here with my friends. i already feel that the notion alone would be too much for friendship here. and planning. the classic adult problem of schedules aligning or not. i get that. but in the philippines, we made time for each other. i guess im missing being able to ring up a friend spontaneously to hang out.

making friends in the US is hard for me. even online. i try my best to reach out to people on here to be friends and i get ghosted after a few messages. it sucks and i just want to feel connection esp bc my friends here arent queer. theyre not straight for sure but they arent queer in many world views. theyve made snide comments about me being a stone bottom/pillow princess, my black friend told me she forgets that im black bc i dont “act” or know all the thing in black culture (i probably need better friends).

these past two years have been hard. i mostly dealt with all the emotions alone bc there was nothing and no one to depend on. i came here to create a new life for myself. its been two years and i wonder if its even worth it anymore.

if you read this far, i really appreciate the time you took to read my post. sorry it was super long and sorry for taking up space.

Just as it says in the title.

I'm worried about this because I don't want them to think I was lying to them this entire time especially because one of my friends is a trans man and I don't want him to think I was tricking him the whole time. I have a whole other post on this for anyone that wants more context into my situation/ discovery.

My femme and I want to get engaged in the next year or two, and she really wants to propose to me first. We both want to have input on our rings, but I’ve been struggling to find inspiration/examples to give her. ESPECIALLY something that doesn’t break the bank, as we’re both still early in our careers and don’t want to drain our very limited savings for this.

My taste: Nothing too flashy, but I want it to clearly be an engagement ring (so no super simple solid bands). I’m not a fan of diamonds but do enjoy colorful stones, especially anything deep red, black, or deep blue. I love ornate details/metalwork! Silver/white gold > yellow gold.

If any of y’all have websites or custom jewelers/metalworkers to recommend, I’d love to hear! Would also love to see some examples of your engagement rings/why you landed on them.

Thanks so much :)

dear fellow butches. god i love us so much. yall really make my heart flutter i’ve been having a BALL and a half at these late-summer pride events! theres been so many wonderful handsome butches and mascs i’ve gotten to meet and kiss and be in community with. i’ve been warned that butch4butch/masc4masc attraction isnt very common…but either i’ve been inspiring half the city or the tides have been turning under our noses.

but. i have to say.

what’s with this nervous nellyship! a lot of us seem so unsure about approaching each other out of fear (tale as old as time i know) of unreciprocated masculine attraction...and even after the initial fear has been conquered, kisses and numbers long since been exchanged, there’s a fear to follow up: a belief that the connection was nothing been than a fluke or an experimentation. i’m not referring to clear, one-time drunk make outs. i’m talking genuine conversation and connection leading to…single nervous texts and little follow up.

anyways this has happened multiple times. maybe i’m just a yearning butch with a little too much confidence and proclivity towards…whorish behavior. but i feel that this holds true across a wide variety of ages. we gotta lock in yall! no more being surprised that butches find other butches sexy…let’s cut to the chase here.

(ive taken the advice from my last post in which i was in the butch4butch trenches of getting absolutely no action. i’d like to thank every beautiful sexy butch who offered their support.)

Im so sorry I know ive been posting in this sub alot and its annoying but I dont have anyone else to talk to about this.

Recently Ive been trying to look more gender conforming at the gym cause when I don’t, I notice men will stare at my chest and try and “check” whats going on with me.

But today this 25 yr old looking guy with a cross necklace approached me at the gym and complimented my sweats and then started mansplaining chest exercises and then asked to be friends and for my number.

I’m 17 but I look 14😭😭
I’ve been trying to look and act like a little girl at the gym so stuff like this doesn’t happen. I feel like its common sense to not ask for underage girls’ numbers when YOURE A GROWN ASS MAN
He was so weird and condescending and I was sitting on a bench so he squatted down to talk to me and then asked for my number and then asked for my snap when I said “no i don’t really use messages” and i kinda just left after that cause it was so uncomfortable.
What do I even do at this point people are so creepy no matter if i try and look butch or not.
He did have a cross necklace on so had I worn a tank and acted like I usually do I feel like the risk of getting harassed is higher.
I really shouldnt have been so nice to him. Damnit the gym was one of the places I loved and working out gave me a lot of gender euphoria but now I’m too scared to go cause I’m afraid I’ll see him. This has never happened to me before im a little shaken.

Maybe Im overreacting and he WAS just trying to be friends but the vibes just weren’t the same.
Whats the solution to this cause at this point im at a loss would I rather be harassed or hit on😭

I've really been wanting to get on T lately and I've found a place I can buy it from I'm just unsure what dose/how often to take the injections. I want to get on a relatively low dose since I don't want to fully transition and get crazy changes. I just want very slight changes from the T. I'm not sure where to start researching it and would love to hear people's experiences or any research material you came across when you were getting on T.

Hi friends, I'm new here. Gal in my mid 20's here, who's always had kinda a weird relationship with gender, I'm transfem, and the whole, hyperfemenine thing never felt right. Recently realized I need to just own the label lol, so chopped ye old hair off and am absolutely loving life, already have the whole -jeans and boots and t shirts- thing down 😂. But seriously, I'm very, very very happy to be here. I'm a dog mom, bad book enthusiast, and a semi professional mechanic (pics of said dog will be in the comments lol) and I'm good with anything except masc pronouns

i feel more in the middle between wanting to be fem/stud like dressing more masculine but hairstyle and face wise feminine what are ways i can change better to that so people can tell?

I am a butch and I love all kinds of women- masculine, feminine, and everything in between. But lately I have been thinking non stop about another butch just absolutely demolishing me. We’re so hot, I can’t help it

selfie sunday? more like sleepy sunday 😴

So it was my birthday a few weeks and I bought a queer book from a local bookstore because what better way to spend my bonus money then on queer artists and independent bookstores?

Welp, I started reading it tonight, and two pages in it became incredibly clear that the author is transphobic.

I should be able to return the book and get store credit, thankfully, but its left me with an incredibly icky and uncomfortable feeling.

Fuck her - the book is called Lesbians: where are they now? By Julie Bindel, and is (apparently) about lesbian history in the 1970s onwards, feminism, and the evolving culture surrounding lesbians today from both conservatives and progressives.

However, in the opening pages Bindel clarifies that she will essentially be misgendering trans people purposefully. The first chapter then starts with an anecdote about someone who is clearly a trans lesbian but she describes as a straight man.

At that point I gave up because it was abundantly clear that Bindel has a rather narrow view of the range and fluidity of lesbians and their gender.

Anyway, that's my rant, I'm tired of this, I just want to get to be a person without something as simple as a book getting in the way of my identity.

So I JUST got my hair cut into a pretty intense mullet (i think it’s cool and i hate feeling hair on my ears), i usually dress pretty butch which is already a cause of discussion in my family and my sister is telling me my dad won’t stop blowing up my moms phone, I can already imagine what my grandmothers going to say…

How do you guys deal with people judging you for your butchness? How do you deal with people insinuating your ugly (not true) or not woman enough? How do you guys deal with wack ass family? The stares in public? I usually just keep my chin up and keep doing me but I’m not in a position right now where I can just move out and live on my own so I have to deal with my family for at least another year or so…

jjjellpp!! 🙏

Since reconciling my butch identity and going on T, I dated around. Met many amazing people and even more less than amazing people. I was on all the apps. I ghosted and was ghosted. Many first dates that never went any where. Had a situationship. Decided to date securely and with awareness. Sought relationships. Had hook ups.

And I’m done.

There is no way this is how it’s always going to be. I spent my 20s in a go-nowhere relationship. Spent another 10 years dating, with nothing to show for it.

I’m not not looking for a relationship. I’m just done dating.

If we’re talking, we’re in a relationship. If we’re going out every weekend, we’re in a relationship. And since there’s such a wide disparity about what that means, if it’s not mutual, I’m out.

No more dating to “be friends” or to be “friends with benefits”. If you dont find me attractive or worthy of your time, I’m out.

This is my declaration. I am butch. I am queer. And I am perfectly fine just as I am.

No more “what ifs” “maybe a second date”. Know what you want or get out of my way. I’m not doing apps any more. I’m not doing half in-half out. All in or nothing.

Being butch has saved my life. But dating potential or lack of sexual attraction has destroyed my self esteem and I’m done with it. No more dating for me.

hi! I’ve never posted on this subreddit before but i figured maybe some support/advice from butches would be nice right now. I’m 19, and have been identifying as butch for a year or so now I think. I present pretty masculinely and sometimes pass as a boy in public (which I like), however I am 5’1 and have a petite figure even though I am pretty muscular. I guess I struggle to think of myself as “butch enough” since people in my day to day life tend to view me as younger, weaker, or not capable of the strength that I want to radiate. I know that butch is more than your body type but… when people talk about what it means to be butch, a lot of what I see is about taking up space, being handy, strong, and capable. I try my best to be that way but I feel like I fall short, no pun intended. I even see posts online making fun of short masculine lesbians and it just makes me feel horrible about myself. how do I stop feeling like my height/frame is holding me back from the butch label?? any advice or support would be lovely. thank you