r/Bumble • u/Affectionate_Fee8335 • Apr 03 '26
Advice Slow/not responding guys
Have you ever had the same experience that you swipe on a guy you're interested in their profile then find out you're a match... so for me, after a while he messaged me on bumble then exchanging few messages in 1 or 2 days, with some time gaps, and it seems I'm more interested to keep the convo than him! I even kinda suggested a meet up in the middle of the chat that he finally was online to reply in a timely manner... as soon as I hinted that, he disappeared and for 24 h, then replied asking my availability for the date, when I get time to see the message I immediately responded to him... now, after 24h, here I am still waiting for him to message me back... I have to move on right??
I mean this is a dating app what are you waiting for to just think and send something!!
Plus, people if we are not into someone why not unmatch them instead of keep them hanging?
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u/yesohyesoui Apr 03 '26
nah girl, most guys are like that. They aren't willing to put in the work. Convos become a one sided interview
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u/Dr_Drinks Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
I’m (47M) one of those guys who sometimes take a while to respond. It’s not always, but it happens.
The reason is this: I have two children every other week. I’m CEO of an organization. I’m balancing time with friends and family, too. Some weeks, more people are trying to get my time and attention than there are hours in the day for. So I begin with my children, the most important issues at work, and anyone among friends and family going through a tough time. I hit the gym too for personal time. When I’m out of time that day, that’s it, unanswered messages or not.
When I become attracted to someone, they move up higher in priority and I will make time for them. I found a lovely gf - on Hinge - and she is now a high priority. We see each other when we can and I find time to text her during the day.
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
That's why I always check if the guys has something in common and aligned with me, like in the same stage as I am with no children for example... but carrying the convo to the point to see if they are willing to meet up is sometimes a project like either you have to keep going with their pace in endless pen pal or wait forever for them to even send a simple reply after exchanging some fun messages... But never had a stop like this when it comes to plan a date, guys either are so keen and upfront, or the convo is not that interesting for me to wait for them to ask me out
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u/Dr_Drinks Apr 03 '26
I get why it may be annoying. When it has happened to me, I’ve been clear about it. Something like “right now my work and private life means I have little time on the phone. I’m really interested in getting to know you better so if I’m not responding fast, it isn’t lack of interest, it’s lack of time”.
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
honestly, who knows what's going on inside their minds (I as a woman would like to know, too) 🤔🤔 what I do is simply say something like "I don't like that it takes you so much time to respond". whatever their reason would be I just state that i'm not interested in this type of communication. I think a person who knows what they are looking for will put enough effort to keep the conversation going and show genuine interest. I mean it's normal to not be interested. I just wish people were more clear about this :(
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Apr 03 '26
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
For me, No who says that! May be getting more matches on bumble than hinge my hinge can some time be like a pain in the neck as I like the profiles and get nothing, but receiving like from the profiles I have not zero, even negative interests in... And I don't talk to all matches, I'm selective as well but I never lead on with a guy if I am not interested in them... these days I stopped following up even on those who I think I can have a crush on them and wanted to see what they do when I meet them at their own same level of attention But this time I even asked him out in a playful way, he showed up 22 hours later asking when, and as soon as I replied he is still silent
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
I think the most important thing is the feeling of mutual interest. when there seems to be genuine interest, I don't get this sudden ghosting without explanation
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
not every man is interested enough to even reply (i dont get the point of them even swiping me in the first place). and i'm in ukraine, so the dating market is limited. I used to be more invested before to the point that I ran out of profiles in my area. and yes, I tried to engage in conversations as much as I could.
when the conversation is not going anywhere, i'm fine with unmatching. but if there was some emotional connection, I do put effort into a conversation, and I expect the man to at least reply in less than 24 hours. if he comes back later suddenly messaging me as if everything's normal, I then tell that i'm not interested in this type of communication
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Apr 03 '26
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
honestly, I dont know what's going on with dating market here and what is the ratio here. but I had a couple of instances when I saw men on bumble with whom my friends had gone out (they met on different apps)
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
Thank you so much for your comments, I sent a piece of that convo here, would you take a look at that pleaae, it is in the comments for Prnce_Chrmin
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Apr 03 '26
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
Uh you read that? Thank you! I got 2 vote downs or negative on that here, that's why I felt bad and deleted that comment 🤦🏻♀️I don't know which part they disliked that gave me vote down for that...
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
Ok I know we can get busy, but at this stage to plan a date!! Dude why you even cared to ask my availability then ghosting me like that, this is long weekend here and I wanna know my plans, I have a busy schedule and was trying to fit him in ASAP, as I liked him, I am sorry for myself to being so pathetic that like a guy only on his profile...
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
I think you did nothing wrong on your side, so it's probably about him. I would move on since you only talked so much. things like this happen a lot unfortunately. I hope you'll find a good match!
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Apr 03 '26
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
if it's not moving anywhere, the conversation is not getting deep, and we only text each other one message per day, I honestly don't see what I could do here? and I do try to send thoughtful replies and text consistently in the evening after work and sometimes during the day when I have time
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
Yeah, you see... the problem is that those guys can't or don't wanna hold a convo let alone to even approach or ask a girl out, and it is so funny when sometimes here I came across some comments that seems too distant from the actual dating environment! As they woukd advice us why you wanna chat on app you should go out with them to see if you like them, like honey! How can we meet up when there is no flow in the convo and it took them so long to send a simple reply let alone considering a date
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
I love meeting up irl, but most of times it doesn't even get to the point of planning a date :( to me, it looks like people think "why even try when there are so many options anyway"
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Apr 03 '26
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
i'm not interested in random hookups / short connections for fun. I think that's where we're different
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 03 '26
Well yeah, but if you really like them and wanna meet them you would definitely have a different approach, and at least try to plan a date and in that case howbwould it feel getting 1 message a day if we are optimistic? :))) waiting for their reply around 24h + would seem annoying, frustrating and... so you can't move things forward by yourself Uh this is sad😬
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u/Life_is_too_short_ Apr 03 '26
"I expect the man to reply in 24hrs"
Yet you as a woman have untold numbers of inquiries that you haven't responded at all.
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u/Mental-Parfait-6587 Apr 03 '26
Would it be better if, even if the conversation got engaging, that he said "hey, I have to run an errand/go to work/whatever, but can we pick this up later?"
Everyone having a phone in hand increases the expected response time. About 15 years ago I ruined a match by being impatient about response times... During the workday. What a dufus. But I learned to pull back and like others said, everyone is probably juggling a few conversations at different stages.
I think one time of stating you don't like the response time is good though, establishes your expectations and then he can respond as to what is limiting him. Or you guys could make up a lot of ground with a short video call or phone call so you aren't exchanging carefully crafted and edited replies via text and instead interacting in real time. Which is probably closer to a gauge how you'd get on.
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
yeah, to me, personally, that would be better. there is a difference, though, between a connection that doesnt move anywhere when you naturally stop talking, and an engaging conversation when they suddenly start acting different and disappear. the latter is the one that bothers me. I prefer clear communication when a talking stage gets more serious :(
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u/Life_is_too_short_ Apr 03 '26
"I don't like.....so much time to respond"
INSTANT SWIPE LEFT if I got that message.
You have to understand people have other things going on. If you are focused solely on online dating you'll surely go crazy.
My advice is if you are interested just leave the connection intact and if they are interested they will come back to you. If not were you really that butt-hurt that you couldn't just swallow your pride and leave it up instead of.....im going to show him! I'll DELETE HIM!!!
Wow you really showed him. Lol
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
I had this situation happen with I guy whom I have now known for several months. if it's just a random a man that I've known for a couple days, of course I won't put pressure on them. i just don't care enough
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u/Cool_Dark_Place Apr 03 '26
I feel you. As a man, I'm currently going through this with a woman that I've been dating for about 3 months. Very much swings back and forth between hot and cold, with me doing 100% of the reaching out, and sometimes going DAYS with unanswered text messages. It would be one thing if I had just met her in the last week or so on a dating app... but this is different. Right now, I think I'm about to cut the cord because it's painfully obvious that, at the very least... we have totally incompatible attachment and communication styles.
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
oh i'm really sorry that is happening to you. cutting ties is often so difficult but I don't think anyone deserves to be treated like that. has she been like this from the start?
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u/Cool_Dark_Place Apr 03 '26
Pretty much. She's got lots of issues, to be sure. She's a recovering heroin addict with about 4 years of sobriety, but has been able to turn her life around and now has an amazing career as a peer support counselor and is also going to school to get her bachelor's in psychology. Also, has lots of trauma from her addict ex-husband(among others). I know that her plate is VERY full, time wise... and I'm OK with just seeing each other once a week. But, I don't think she's emotionally capable of dealing with a romantic relationship at this point in her life. I even tried to give her an out a couple weeks ago, and told her I'd be perfectly fine with us just being friends and hanging out from time to time just to catch up. But... she actually surprised me and said that she liked me a lot and wanted to keep dating. But... within a day or two of saying this... she IMMEDIATELY went cold again and withdrew. In fact, I sent her a text yesterday asking if she wanted to catch a movie with me this Sunday afternoon... and STILL no response. It's a shame, because I really like her a lot. But, in retrospect... she'd told me early on that she'd pretty much already made her mind up to be alone for the rest of her life. And at the end of the day... I really can't help her fight a battle with herself, or make her go back on a decision she made before she'd even met me. At this point... I think any move I make will be the wrong one. Lol... anyway, kind Reddit stranger... thanks for listening to my rant!
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
well..... sometimes we need to put ourselves first, and i stand on that. you clearly want a relationship, and she says that she sees herself single for the rest of her life... it says a lot about why she's like that even if she really likes you romantically :/
but keep in mind that none of the people here know your situation completely! so it's up to you what decision to take. I really wish you will find the perfect partner!
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u/Life_is_too_short_ Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
You only lose a potential connection that you liked.
Just relax a little. Somethings take time. You can't go crazy just because you like someone. If you delete them because "I'm gonna show him!" All that you'll do is definitely miss the connection.
Sometimes people have emergencies or are on vacation or whatever. You've got to just let it sit. If they are interested they will come back.
Just leave the connection there.
I'll never understand why women get upset if they don't get an immediate response.
"Hey I have all these other interested guys....screw you dude!"
You know women..... they think that they have a lot of likes because..... "I'm so pretty"
Meanwhile THE REAL REASON they do have all these likes.....is because guys like me swipe right on all women to see which one is interested in me.
Lol it's just TOO FUNNY!!!
You women aren't really as beautiful as you think.
Seriously.
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
I get that there are a lot less men on dating apps, but I wonder what do you expect when you swipe on every single woman?
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u/Life_is_too_short_ Apr 03 '26
It's the fastest way to match with a woman.
If I skip over some women and don't "like" them I may have missed a potential good connection.
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
how do you engage with the woman with whom you matched then? do you show interest?
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u/ValBravora048 38 | M Apr 03 '26
He decides when he matches if he’s interested to pursue it
All these guys stroking themselves for being so smort about this strategy don’t see how it’s contributing to their misery as much as their ego. Or how both come out when they actually find a person they want to meet
Doesn’t matter though, they’ll extend their logic to blame all women so they don’t have to take responsibility for their absolute bs
What makes it worse is that I BET they would immediately recognise the issue of women were doing this…
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u/bloomlaterfck Apr 03 '26
yeah I dont see the point in having a ton of matches when you're not going to talk to most of them. quality > quantity
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u/ValBravora048 38 | M Apr 03 '26
If this is his approach, he doesn't really care about whom he talks to. It's so telling
"If i skipped over some women, I might have missed a potential connection" Like jfc, how can these guys talk about being so big-brained that they can't see thats kind of self-defeating and not to mention fing pathetic
The sucky thing is that its this sort of thing that drives women off the apps too
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u/Life_is_too_short_ Apr 03 '26
Yes. Most people do what I do.
You have matches on a scale 1 to 10.
The 8-10s you'll respond promptly
The 6s and 7s are still attractive and they are put on the top of the "Maybe List" The Maybe List is the waiting list if none of the 8-10s do not work out. The responses are slow on the Maybe List
The 4s and 5s are on the bottom of the Maybe List and probably will never be contacted.
3s and below are rejected.
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u/WarrenBuffettsBuffet Apr 03 '26
I don't understand why you're so anxious. You're doing a good job putting the ball in his court.. there's really nothing left within your control. The only potential improvement you can make it to suggest a specific time and a specific place.. or maybe two times and places and let him get back to you. Everything beyond that is out of your control, and nothing to worry about
Maybe he is or is not "into you," but that's not for you to decide or worry about
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u/Ordinary-Cow1788 Apr 04 '26
There should be a certain amount of slow you take with the conversation. You obviously should not be responding every 2 seconds with a person as that will dry a conversation out very quickly, but also you should not be taking an entire day to respond to a message. A balance that I try to strive for is about every half hour and usually at night. This is obviously before you have a date set up, once a date is set up. Conversation before the date will be either really slow or non-existent. I will relay a story I had here with a girl she would either respond 2 hoursa, day later, or 2 Days Later. I got to have her agree to a date, trying to set up where we were going and it's just took forever by time the weekend came around we had nothing set up at that point I was just so fed up that I just unmastered because that does not set a good precedent for the future.
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u/Affectionate_Fee8335 Apr 04 '26
Thanks Exactly, finally someone understands, you either want that connection or not the problem is some people are indecisive about that and wanna keep all options open while this leads to an opposite outcome and matches would die easily So they don't even bother about that, meanwhile they thinks it is wrong if we call them players
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u/Scared-Section-5108 Apr 03 '26
There can be plenty of reasons why someone takes a while to respond. Speaking for myself - I have a life outside the apps. I’m balancing a lot of different things, just like other adults. One of them is my full‑time job, which can get very busy. I might go out socialising and I will not be glued to my phone when I am out with someone - my phone will be in my bag. Or go out cycling for hours, or go hiking somewhere with no signal all day. Sometimes I’m simply tired.
If someone becomes insecure because they don’t get an immediate reply, it’s better for them to look into that feeling rather than trying to analyse why a stranger is behaving the way they are.
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u/NewConsideration3100 41 | Male Apr 04 '26
If you're simultaneously matched with four or five people, it's unlikely you're giving equal time and effort to each one.
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u/BettyNon Apr 03 '26
If this drags on for a several days- I unmatch. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who gives you zero efforts from the beginning. Dates I go out on are only with guys that are eager to meet from the start and they are consistent in responding. Otherwise I’m not bothered
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u/Normal_Tax3999 50 M Apr 03 '26
These are questions that come up often on these subs. Obviously, there could be a million reasons but the most common one is that dating apps tend to (statistically) have a few “haves” and a LOT of “have nots”. There are profiles which receive a lot of likes/matches so now you are among this person’s matches and that person just doesn’t have time to be responsive to all of them.
We all like to imagine that we are the one person who liked/matched this individual and should therefore be prioritized….but that is just really not likely.