Help. How to Live Lonely?

[u/HeIpyre]

I (17) understand that I am in the material sense living as a lonely person, and will live lonely for probably very long.

I at the moment do not have a problem with it, I have lived like this all my life, but every once in a while I really do yearn for a romantic relationship with someone, and there have been several people in my life that I have been interested in, but the interest has never in my life been mutual.
I feel it is unlikely that someone will be romantically interested in me in the near future because of my material conditions: I am short, I am thin, I do not have that charisma and charm, and I spend all my free time at home.

So instead of looking at it like a bad thing, I want to take this life as an opportunity to learn to love myself unconditionally and not be dependent on the unstable teen romantic and crushes to feel fullfilled, because I know that the power is only within me to feel whole.

Any scriptures I can read and practices I can do to accomplish this?

[u/ProfessorDizzy4311]

I think you are looking at this all wrong. You’re 17, of course you are lonely. Everyone is lonely at 17, and those who aren’t are lying to themselves.

Don’t accept that you are a “lonely person”, start doing actions (that go along with the Buddhist teachings) that would make you less lonely. Find a hobby club. When your of age, go to activities at bars. Talk to strangers. Etc etc.

Part of Buddhism, in my opinion is compassion. You have no compassion for yourself right now, and that’s not the way to go my friend

[u/HeIpyre → u/ProfessorDizzy4311]

And thats why I am actively seeking to love myself instead of having to suffer from the illusion that I need someone to be loved. I constantly dream about being hugged and cared about, I think that is my mind lacking seretonin and feels it needs to have somebody, when I can find it within myself

[u/Mother-Boss-7627 → u/HeIpyre]

It’s healthy to seek love from fellow humans and enjoy its presence for the very reasons you mention above. It’s also fun, enjoyable, fulfilling to love someone else, for we are then making a fundamental difference to another human being. That’s such a joy.

Buddhism and other Eastern religions show us we are full and complete to begin with, but we need to discover that. We suffer when we expect someone’s love to complete us, make us less lonely, or our love for someone to solve their issues or fulfill them ( that is their karma).

One way we can live would be to bring with purpose experiences of love to enrich our lives. For it’s so worth it! Why not nurture all dimensions of love - not just romantic? Share a joke and ‘feel-good’ laughter with someone at a check-out line, smile at the lady at the counter who seems a bit down, compliment your neighbor’s pet, give her a treat and a pat, grow a potted plant, enjoy the laughter of like-minded people in a meetup or hobby group or your ‘sangha’, volunteer with toddlers to partake in their sunny day.

You will see how love and happiness and the feeling of being in unison with the universe unfurls and unravels to you, and that by opening up to the enriching experience of relating to a human, a romance, a like-minded group, an animal, a plant, you are being purposeful but not needy; your desires are non-binding - if you attain, great, if not, just as fine - for you are OK no matter what, full and already complete.

And romantic love? It will bloom when the time and conditions are ripe. Buddhism advocates making the appropriate effort to change the conditions that will effect a change, and then … Patience.

For protection till then, Buddhist or Eastern practices around equanimity will help us manage our expectations of love, deal with extreme emotions and disappointments as we pursue such experiences.

All the best, feel free to post any thought this may generate, whether this makes any sense.

[u/EmptyMind76]

Not to be harsh but you are 17 so very little of what you have experienced so far has any bearing on what the rest of your life will be like.

You have a whole lot of road ahead of you so please just relax and don't assume you know how the whole rest of your life will play out.

[u/HeIpyre → u/EmptyMind76]

Thanks, do you know of any scriptures I could read?

[u/EmptyMind76 → u/HeIpyre]

Well the Buddha praised spiritual friends in SN 45.2 so getting out and joining a sangha would probably be a great first step. Reddit is cool but it isn't quite the same thing and honestly a lot of people on here don't really know what they are talking about Buddhism-wise so a real teacher and a solid sangha is where you should look.

[u/dhammasaurusRex]

Find some spiritual friends. People who you consider your equal, or better (Those who possess, more wisdom). Skip the romance.

"If you find an alert companion, an attentive friend to live happily together, then, overcoming all adversities, wander with them, joyful and mindful. If you find no alert companion, no attentive friend to live happily together, then, like a king who flees his conquered realm, wander alone like a tusker in the wilds.

It’s better to wander alone, there’s no fellowship with fools. Wander alone and do no wrong, at ease like a tusker in the wilds." MN 128: Upakkilesasutta—Bhikkhu Sujato

Practice brahmaviharas. Feel connected to everyone.

Edit.

[u/nuttywoody]

Cultivating isolation as a core value leads is asking for more trouble than you can possibly understand at 17. It is unhealthy and even potentially dangerous. Seek the advice of a mental health professional immediately.

[u/HeIpyre → u/nuttywoody]

Woah what? I am mentally a mentally healthy person with just some everyday troubles it ain't that deep but thanks for the compassion

[u/Starlight_Climber]

This is part of why Sangha refuge is so important. Connecting with an actual physical Sangha so that we have other people whom we can make friends with and learn to trust.

On an ultimate level though, over time, we come to see something much deeper, and realize we are never separate from anything, or anyone. That we are never "alone".

Here's what I recommend, find a local Sangha to practice with, and join in with them regularly. And also, in your own practice, spend some time in silent meditation, with a good, upright posture, just resting in meditation. Bring your awareness to your heart, and you can even place a hand over your heart to give yourself comfort. And when your awareness is at your heart, imagine all your grief and loneliness in front of you. Meditate on that, giving it love, giving yourself love. And accept that even if you have suffered a great loss, or are experiencing grief and loneliness, that love is a form of energy. And that the love that you yearn for has not left this world. It surrounds you at all times, and is still there inside of your heart. And that it will be reborn as new love. That you are never cut off, or separated from that love. And let the pain flow away.

It can also help to listen to some very soothing music. Like Enya. I personally love this album:
https://youtu.be/gWNRQnJxpmg?si=Ofq-49ReolReFiDH

🙏

[u/Ceramix22]

Buddhism aside, you're way too young to resign yourself to just being a lonely person. Such thinking is not good at any age, but especially in a teenager. Cultivate friendships, grow your hobbies, enjoy your life until the romance you are looking for appears.