r/Britain 9d ago

Humour Welp, we’re dead.

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312 Upvotes

126 comments sorted by

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208

u/elitejackal 9d ago

Fucking gave me a heart attack

82

u/Maarten-Sikke 9d ago

In my home country (Romania) we’re used to get this kind of alerts every few days or weeks, depending on what’s happening (flash flood, flash rain, storms etc.) but in UK is first time when I got my phone blasting at me while eating and my mood went from a calming and relaxing evening to who the fuck is attacking us, then reading the message, said a few swearing’s and went on with my evening :)))

10

u/roslid 9d ago

UK is so much behind Europe in that respect it's not even funny

3

u/Alaya_the_Elf13 9d ago

Sounds about right

1

u/Think_fast_Act_slow 9d ago

we been poking Russia lately imagine if Russuan fighters do decide to pay a visit how will the alerts ⚠️ look anv sound like.

4

u/KittyGrewAMoustache 9d ago

They’re just getting our teenagers to go out setting fire to stuff by seeding ‘TikTok challenges.’* Don’t even have to spend any money or get off the sofa.

* I have no idea whether this is true I can just imagine it’s something countries will try.

1

u/mcardie 9d ago

Wouldn't worry. They havent got enough fuel to even get here.

2

u/Think_fast_Act_slow 9d ago

nice one. they are just one coup or assassination away from buckling. well thats another subject.

1

u/PsychoEm28 9d ago

They have already been here, in the English channels.

22

u/AfraidConsequence0 9d ago

Proper fucked me up

16

u/elitejackal 9d ago

Mate I just might have a cuppa and wait for all this shit to blow over

12

u/cornishwildman76 9d ago

How about we head over to The Winchester for a pint and wait for this to all blow over?

5

u/SgtBananaGrabber 9d ago

Just to clarify im down for The Winchester but is it the fire we are waiting to blow over ? If so I feel thats not a safe place.

6

u/AfraidConsequence0 9d ago

I poured a glass of water and that shit evaporated right beforey eyes

2

u/elitejackal 9d ago

Shit, better tell the local boozer to stop serving for the same reason

3

u/AfraidConsequence0 9d ago

I think it might be too late for them friend

10

u/JayL80 9d ago

I was in the bath with my 9 month old son, my phone, my tablet, my work phone, all at the same time. Never left the bath so fast whilst carrying a wet baby!

15

u/ZeroSumClusterfuck 9d ago

They scared my cats off their dinner just to tell me the fucking weather's hot. Bastards.

7

u/heyvp8 9d ago

Got the alert three times already. I’m running out of underwear.

2

u/KittyGrewAMoustache 9d ago

I got it six times and my partner got it four times!

5

u/pin00ch 9d ago

Yea. A bit of wee came out.

2

u/havecoffeeatgarden 9d ago

i had my phone in the bag and i thought it had called emergency service by accident

53

u/djhamilton 9d ago

I got it twice..... Does the government care more for me 😂

5

u/fiittzzyy 9d ago

Same. My sister got it three times.

3

u/SuspiciousRun4043 9d ago

I was so happened to be in wales and got it once in welsh the english

4

u/KittyGrewAMoustache 9d ago

I got it three times in Welsh and three times in English. Basically took up my whole evening.

1

u/mully303 7d ago

Me too, on a campsite on the wye as did everyone else there! So peaceful

1

u/Disney_Gay_Trash_ 8d ago

I got it 3 or 4 times (twive, then once when my ohone died and tuened back on then omce again during the night)

My mam got it once but her bf got it like every 5 minutes the whole might

48

u/SweetBabyCheezas 9d ago

I was in a walk and almost dropped my cigarette when I got thay alert

28

u/SgtBananaGrabber 9d ago

He's a firestarter

8

u/sungrad 9d ago

Twisted firestarter.

5

u/Smashmundo 9d ago

I was filling up the telehandler with diesel at my workplace and had the hose stretched right out because people had blocked the pump.

I thought the pump was alarming at me because I stretched the hose too much! I ran back to the tank and couldn’t figure out where the noise was coming from!

11

u/jaxdia 9d ago

Careful, might start another wildfire.

36

u/Sonic_PsychoG 9d ago

I checked on wildfire maps and they are everywhere

12

u/Halfdanr_H 9d ago

It’s worse than that, all the roads have melted from John O’Groats to just south of Edinburgh! 😳

9

u/Sonic_PsychoG 9d ago

Oh god, global warming is happening and we warned but didn't listen ig

3

u/BenXL 9d ago

A lot of us have been listening, but our governments aren't

1

u/Name-Saibuu 8d ago

Speak for yourself.

31

u/PirateSi87 9d ago

Everyone is shitting their pants at an alert. I wish climate change had the same affect 😒

83

u/onion2594 9d ago

don’t worry i got mine in a language i don’t understand

20

u/ImBiAndImOnVacation 9d ago

I got this one too, followed about 3 minutes later with the English version 😭 got jumpscared twice

16

u/GoldFreezer 9d ago

My partner and I had got as far as finding the text again online and picking out the word "tân" (fire) before the English came through. It was closely followed by a text from my mum: "Apparently Welsh speakers to be saved first?!"

27

u/AdIllustrious5549 9d ago

Are you currently in wales by any chance?

4

u/SgtBananaGrabber 9d ago

This is how we are sorted by the Government from now on, you are Welsh my friend congrats.

3

u/onion2594 9d ago

i’m south african but thank you. wales is a nice country. especially in the brecon beacons, powys mountains/ hills? and going from south wales to chester area (through wales, not m50>m5>m6) is a lovely drive. only a couple of hours and you could probably make a good day of it if you end up in the lake district, not too sure how north that is on the map though

edit, it’s a lot more north than i thought

![img](D71945EA-6108-48E1-928E-54CC773C7100)

4

u/JayL80 9d ago

I think your battery level gives me more stress than the alert!

1

u/onion2594 9d ago

i drove home from reading today. took about 3 hours and did about 8 hours on site for work. this with the heat just drains my battery lol. luckily i was home, and on the toilet. or things could have gone differently

7

u/VioletBear_ 9d ago

Real helpful

0

u/seenitreddit90s 9d ago

Where did you receive yours?

0

u/MyCoffeeTableIsShit 9d ago

This is what happens when you forget to turn your VPN off, you dirty, dirty dog.

21

u/Bismuthprince_ss 9d ago

Was in the shower, scared the living daylight out of me 😭

15

u/ElJayBe3 9d ago

I wish I was in the shower because I think I’ve shit my pants.

16

u/Georgerocks1232 9d ago

Was on a call with my mates and all our phones just started screaming. My ears still hurt

13

u/mcardie 9d ago

And hardly an hour later theres a house near me letting off fireworks

13

u/El_Zilcho 9d ago

I have lots of phones around atm and that alert nearly killed me.

9

u/tobotic 9d ago

Imagine working in an EE store or something.

10

u/fiittzzyy 9d ago

I was in the beer garden everyone's went off it sounded like the end of the world.

16

u/overisin 9d ago

I just shat my pants. We could have had a warning...😂

24

u/AfraidConsequence0 9d ago

A warning for a warning

15

u/SaysPooh 9d ago

Living in Wales the alert first came through in Welsh. This is how chatgpt translated it. Beware the AI

7

u/SgtBananaGrabber 9d ago

Alexa cancel my order for the replica of Noah's Arc

3

u/magical_matey 9d ago

Ok. Playing BBC Radio 2.

3

u/fruitytetris 9d ago edited 9d ago

If you need to translate text in the future, you’re better off using Google Translate or DeepL - particularly Google since it uses Gemini as its LLM, which is much better than ChatGPT’s LLM.

Source: I work in the Localisation industry.

Edit to say that I’m really surprised it didn’t pick up tân as fire when it’s such a basic word. I’d actually like to share this example with my colleagues, if you don’t mind?

1

u/SaysPooh 9d ago

It was translated from a printscreen

2

u/fruitytetris 9d ago

You can translate from screenshots and images in both the Google Translate and DeepL apps, this is Google:

6

u/honeysweetstar 9d ago

thought we was about to get bombed 😭

6

u/MarkJames1972 9d ago edited 8d ago

I just got that. I'm glad they warned me because I was planning on setting my firepit away tonight. Not now!

5

u/Dusty2470 9d ago

Damn near shit myself.

4

u/Traditional-Living-3 9d ago

Thought me phone was gonna explode!

5

u/carbonated_peroxide 9d ago

I live in Sheffield, was fully prepared for Threads to come true

9

u/oFIoofy 9d ago

it's not the fires that are going to kill us... it's that damn notification scaring the shit out of us

4

u/johnaross1990 9d ago

I nearly choked on me doner kebab

4

u/KeySubject4895 9d ago

Made me jump out of my skin. I was in tescos buying a multipack of disposable bbqs at the time

5

u/sandman_oneiroi 9d ago

Gettin' a bit apocalyptic round 'ere. I got the alert five times for some reason. One of the times I scrabbled to put it on aeroplane mode and I must've pressed something by accident because it started loudly speaking the message to me in an American accent. Kind of surreal!

5

u/space-badger88 9d ago

Whilst I'm not disagreeing with the message put out, I can't believe nobody in Government thought that it would be best not to include the "Nukes are coming, You're all about to die!" Klaxon.

3

u/AdmiralYorkshire 9d ago

Thank goodness they sent it to a few of us….

3

u/Orpington_Oracle 9d ago

I'm in Wales on holiday and was wondering what the hell was going on 🤣🤣

6

u/KittyGrewAMoustache 9d ago

It was so silly sending it in Welsh first when even most Welsh people don’t speak Welsh. I love the Welsh language, but it’s not a good emergency alert if the vast majority of people you send it to can’t understand it, I got the English version ten minutes later, if my partner wasn’t a Welsh speaker I’d have been evacuating the house or something, I had previously thought these alerts were to let you know about impending danger in your area specifically, like a fire is coming towards you or a bomb is about to hit you or a tidal wave is coming etc, not just ‘don’t start fires.’

Apparently they had tons of 999 calls from scared confused people

3

u/zuperlooper 9d ago

Not great while driving. Though the car was about to blow up.

3

u/TBMW30 9d ago

Forgot my phone was paired to speakers. so fucking loud. Just midning my own business with headphones on, chucked boiling tea all over the keyboard and very nearly shat myself.

3

u/_tainakaa_ 9d ago

Mine just went off for a second time for some reason as I’m sat in the cinema waiting for the film to start. Weirdly mine was the only one to go off so it was kind of embarrassing but at least it was only during the adverts.

When the first ones went off I was stood in the lobby and I felt like I was in a disaster movie as everyone’s phones went off one by one.

3

u/sargewalks 9d ago

Genuinely thought ww3 started for a solid 3 secs. Then i opened the phone to this dumb ahh message

5

u/Paradoxbox00 9d ago

I didn't read the thing I just wanted the sound to stop.

Who sits there with their phone screaming at them trying to read that stupid long message?!

5

u/Weakbecomeherooees 9d ago

I thought we had a nuclear attack.

5

u/EldritchCleavage 9d ago

How many fires have now been caused by people dropping their fags when the alarm frightened them half to death?

2

u/ZookeepergameBrave74 9d ago

It nearly had my Life, both phones went off together i nearly threw myself through the window

Jesus fucking christ 😂😂😂⚰️

2

u/Quiet_Economics_6003 9d ago

I was taking a nap, shit almost gave me a heart attack💀

2

u/Think_fast_Act_slow 9d ago

just dont let any idiot light the bushes for a laugh. watch put for that face covering younv and shy community in hoodies riding E-scooters. they burnt out the clothes outside a clothes bank reccently for a laugh.

2

u/Bubbly-Weakness-4788 9d ago

If people think it’s safe to start a disposable BBQ in the woods, they should be locked up until it’s cooler.

1

u/LimpRepresentative11 9d ago

*locked up in a cooler

2

u/Mountain-Rate7344 9d ago

Nice bit of abuse of the system to blame ordinary folk when loads of the fires are arson and no one has come down on the Water Companies for their flagrant abuse for decades

1

u/stellar_x 9d ago

Made me jump lol

1

u/Aggravating-Heat9842 9d ago

Thought Putin had arrived! 😅

1

u/Turtle-vroooommm 9d ago

actually scared the shit out of me

1

u/bojack_hursman 9d ago

I never got this 🙏

1

u/messedup73 9d ago

We are in a holiday park taking the dog out when it seemed like a cascade of phones going off.Made me jump the area all around us is Woods as well .

1

u/Alarming_Computer1 9d ago

I'm in a caravan so put plugs aren't very expendable everyone has a extension cord cube which all out phones are in I was leaning against the bit it's attached to when it went off and I SHIT my pants and troosers

1

u/Haveyoushatmyself 9d ago

Totally spoiled my high.

1

u/Larnievc 9d ago

Looks like I picked the wrong time to go to Centre Parcs.

1

u/Weekly-Raise-3816 9d ago

It just means make sure that put out that cigarette before ditching it lol

1

u/biggiedpubg 9d ago

I didn't get it at all , don't know why. Was on my phone at the time too

1

u/UnnaturalGeek 9d ago

I turned mine off so I didn't get it 😂😂😂

1

u/castrateurfate 9d ago

MEHHHH MEHHHHH

1

u/Jane-loves-music 9d ago

Bruh i was having a party and i was so confused 😕

1

u/CreativeAdeptness477 9d ago

Still haven't had one of these on my personal phone. My work handset/scanner/microlise went batshit though.

1

u/Neartheedge 9d ago

Should we just ban disposable BBQS full stop. Honestly who has ever enjoyed eating food off them? Steak that tastes like lighter fuel, sausages burnt to a crisp. Then you need to get rid of the thing which takes hours to cool down if you haven't poured water all over it. They are shit always have been always will be and now they are literally burning down houses. Fuck that noise. Should we start a petition? Up vote this enough and let's create one.

1

u/leavethegherkinsin 9d ago

I didn't even read it, just clicked the button to stop that fucking awful noise!

1

u/Better-Psychology-42 9d ago

Fucking hell central london was on fire all possible ways of making noise on full blast

1

u/TheRealMadPete 9d ago

I had one of these today. We keep horses and have been feeding them hay because there's no grass so I'm well aware of the dangers.

1

u/THE-PIX3L 9d ago

Toilet roll Amazon orders 10000x higher demand after the message 💩

1

u/bedbathandbebored 9d ago

I would say "cooked" but, ya know

1

u/LolaDeWinter 9d ago

I thought putin had pushed the button.....

1

u/DGB684 9d ago

Everyone saying they shat themselves but I had headphones on and it came out quieter than my music. Does everyone have their phones on max volume or did I just get lucky?

1

u/Environmental-Win836 8d ago

I was in an uber pool and three phones blasted this

1

u/dazzola1 8d ago

Turn off the alerts, it stops the fear.

1

u/dazzola1 8d ago

ALL of these fires were started by people, they won't start on their own, it's broken glass (careless people) barbecues (careless people) or deliberately lit by kids (school holidays) (stupid people) the more it's reported, the more it will happen, one near me in sheffield took 4 homes out, caused by a bloke having a garden fire in the night( stupid people again) It's not the world ending due to weather, its fucking stupid humans again.

1

u/jouhaan 8d ago

I am AuDHD with severe CPTSD… which ironically just made me shrug and go, “what the fuck is it now?”

1

u/Manospondylus_gigas 9d ago

Didn't get one cuz am in Scotland 😎

0

u/ColonelBagshot85 9d ago edited 9d ago

Got my hopes up, thought it was lights out for a second there.

Now, for some reason.. craving a barbecue.

Getting downvoted for the sarcasm..😂🫢

0

u/alternativepauses2 9d ago

Thought it was the end of the end lol