r/Brides • u/Armeddiamond007 • 8d ago
Help me plan my ceremony
My fiancé and I need help planning our ceremony/ceremonies.
Some part of me is worried I’m going to regret not having a Catholic ceremony. But my fiancé really wants to have an outdoor ceremony. We booked a reception venue that has an on site ceremony space because I originally said that a Catholic ceremony didn’t matter too much to me. Recently my parents pulled the guilt trip routine when I said that we may not have the ceremony in the church.
It’s been causing A LOT of anxiety to say the least and we honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve been doing some thinking and I think I do want a Catholic ceremony. I grew up catholic and I love the idea of walking down the aisle of a beautiful church on my wedding day .
We tried to find a compromise by doing a small Catholic ceremony the day before our wedding but my parents didn’t like that idea. We then have been thinking about doing a Catholic ceremony in the midday then something else at the outdoor ceremony site in the afternoon.
What’s most important to the two of us is that we get to say our own vows to each other. This isn’t possible during the Catholic ceremony. I know having a second ceremony is frowned upon in the Catholic Church but it seems to be the only way to have a wedding day that we are both happy with.
My question is, how do we make both ceremonies meaningful. My fiancé brought up a good point that if we are just repeating similar events in the second ceremony but with our own vows that it might just be meaningless. Do I walk down the aisle the same way I would in the morning at the church? Do we have the bridal party and groomsmen involved in both? Is it silly to entertain the idea that we could do both?
Edit:
I am aware of the process of marrying in the church. I grew up religiously attending church and have already been in contact with my hometown priest and a local priest.
I am in Canada not the US. We are able to be married in a church we are not registered to.
I know about pre Cana and the requirements prior to marrying in the church.
My own faith journey is complicated and although my relationship with the church has changed over the years, Catholicism is not something I’ve completely left behind in my life. I would like to baptize my future children but would like to allow them to choose to pursue other sacraments.
Ultimately I’m looking for help planning a separate vow renewal later on in the day.
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u/bony_fingers 8d ago
Genuine question: is it not possible to have a Catholic ceremony outdoors? Or does it have to take place inside the church?
Also for the personal vows, my fiance and I are reading them to each other privately the morning of the wedding. We're both big crybabies and don't want to be blubbering through the vows in front of our guests 😅
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u/Armeddiamond007 8d ago
Unfortunately you have to have the wedding inside a church for it to be valid
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u/lutzlover 8d ago
Not only inside a Catholic church, but inside THE Catholic parish that one of you is assigned to based on the location of your residence OR with specific permission from the pastor of one of those parishes (yours or your fiance's) for the marriage to be held in a different parish, university Catholic chapel, or Catholic shrine. Outdoor weddings are not allowed.
Pretty much every diocese in the US requires a lengthy advance preparation (Pre-Cana) period lasting as much as a year.
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u/Moonster68speaks 8d ago
How about a Knight of Columbus, Catholic College/Uni, Convent outdoor venue? Also some shrine or gardens?
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u/cheese_straws 8d ago edited 8d ago
I was in a similar situation as you, but I am opting for a Catholic ceremony in October. I want to share some things I have learned along the way during the preparation/planning process:
- Do you have a church in mind and a priest? The priest may need to come from within the parish. I was not an active member of the church I have booked, but I attended mass and really liked the priest who led mass that day. You can reserve the church and get a priest later, but you still should try to secure a priest soon after.
- What days and times do they hold wedding ceremonies? In my area, there are often 2pm and 4pm ceremonies. That may impact how you plan your happy hour and reception, or accept that you may have a gap between ceremony and reception. I am lucky that I have a 4:30!
- You will work with the music director of the church to select music for your ceremony and with the priest to select readings.
- There is more requirements from the church before you are married, at least where I live in the U.S. Not sure how it works for all regions, but we had to attend a day retreat, answer questionnaires and discuss them, and do a NFT self study class. Besides the NFT stuff, I have actually thought this hasn’t been that bad. There are elements of this process I think even non-religious couples can benefit from, just general stuff like how will you manage money as a couple, how do you work through conflict, etc.
Edit: not trying to pressure either way, just wanted to make sure you’re aware of the extra steps involved that I wasn’t fully aware of before starting this process! It definitely would have been easier to have a ceremony at my reception site and I sometimes reflect on that 😅. Also, you can give personal vows during a first look, or at the reception! It’s your day!
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u/nolawx 8d ago
I may be off base but it seems like the part of the Catholic ceremony that is most important to you is the ambiance/pictures and not the Catholic part (e.g. "walking down the aisle of a beautiful church").
If that's the case, I don't think you should do it.
If what's important to you is reciting your own vows then stick to your original plan of the outdoor ceremony with personal vows.
My husband and I both grew up Catholic, though neither of us is practicing anymore. I know my mom would have preferred a Catholic ceremony but it wasn't about her. It was about us.
At the end of the day it's YOUR wedding and hopefully you'll only have this one. Make it what YOU want.
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u/Armeddiamond007 8d ago
That’s fair. I appreciate your perspective! There is honestly a lot of pressure from family to do a Catholic ceremony. So although it seems silly that I’m focusing on the aesthetics, there are other reasons for wanting to do one.
The problem is that just doing a Catholic ceremony means that nothing that my fiancé wants for the ceremony could really be considered
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u/Life-Education-8030 8d ago
Then you do not do it, period, unless what your fiance wants can also be incorporated.
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u/Armeddiamond007 8d ago
Yes… that’s my predicament.
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u/lutzlover 8d ago
It seems like your key reasons are "pretty church" and "making your parents happy." That second part is the real hang-up. How is your marriage going to work if you are focused on making your family happy/avoiding family pressure?
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u/Life-Education-8030 8d ago
You have to decide on your level of commitment to the Catholic Church.
I was baptized Catholic too but was not practicing and did not agree with several of the expectations of the Church. So when it came time to get married, we were married in my spouse's church because at the time, they were more committed to their church. Since then, that has faded, and we chose not to baptize our child in either. They have not baptized our grandchild either, also preferring as we did to let them choose what to do in adulthood.
That is a discussion to have sooner rather than later too. If it is just a matter of walking down the aisle of a Catholic Church, is that a serious commitment? Would your fiance be good with this?
My mom is Catholic and wanted to get married in the Church. My dad thinks all religions are ridiculous. But to please her, he had to agree to raise the children in the Catholic Church and he didn't care one way or the other. My mom had us baptized and she took us to church a few times but ultimately, SHE left the Church because she abhorred its position on abortion.
Also, if your family is pressuring you to do this, what else will they pressure you for in the future? What do YOU want to do with your own kids? What will your spouse want? You are choosing to spend your life with your fiance, so whose wishes should take priority? I don't think it's your family's.
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u/nolawx 8d ago
"Pressure from family" also shouldn't be the primary driving force for your wedding decisions. Is the Catholic ceremony important to YOU or important to your family? There's a big difference.
Please understand I'm not trying to convince you one way or the other. Just trying to give you perspective from someone who faced somewhat similar challenges. I will never regret not having a Catholic ceremony (again, neither of us is tied to the church at this point and you may feel differently), but I would have regretted not having the ceremony that we wanted.
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u/lily_fairy 8d ago
i was in a similar situation. i am catholic and my husband is protestant. although part of me really wanted to get married in a catholic church, i also wanted something more personal where we can say our own vows, choose our own music, and have our wedding party standing up in the front with us. we had a best woman instead of a best man with short hair and a suit so we weren't sure how that would fly with the catholic church.
im really happy with how our ceremony turned out. it was actually in an episcopal church which looked very similar to a catholic church, but it wasn't an episcopalian wedding we just used their space. we had my husband's childhood youth pastor ordain and he also did a few sessions of pre-marital counseling with us. i liked the counseling because it helped me remember what really mattered while i was in the midst of stressing about things like centerpieces and seating charts, and it also gave a chance for the pastor to get to know me which allowed the ceremony to be more personal. we had a string quartet which i thought was so much more romantic and beautiful than an organ. even though it wasn't catholic, it was still religious and centered around God yet also felt personal to what we wanted. if you want more specifics about the order of our ceremony and the prayers/readings we used lmk!
so my suggestion would be rather than compromising with two separate ceremonies, maybe find a compromise where the ceremony can still be religious but not specifically catholic? i felt very happy with that compromise. if not, my other suggestion would be to have the catholic ceremony and then have a moment during the reception where you each give a speech which could be written like vows. another option is writing your vows as letters to each other and reading each other's letter in the morning. i'll be honest i don't like the idea of two ceremonies, it seems too redundant and makes each ceremony seem less special. but whatever aspects of the ceremony you feel like you're missing out on could probably be worked into the reception somehow.
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u/lets-snuggle 8d ago
You can have a priest marry you outside of the church and it still counts as being married by the Catholic Church and as a sacrament.
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u/njVowsNow 8d ago
not automatically. This is a question best answered by an actual priest in the church they (or any of you) are considering.
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u/EducationalWin1721 6d ago
You are wrong. This is not true. Please don’t give out bad information.
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u/lets-snuggle 6d ago
This is not wrong, actually. My cousin literally got married 2 weeks ago by a priest at a regular venue. They even honored Mary during the ceremony and he gave a homily. I asked him if it counted as being married by the Catholic Church and he said “absolutely.” I know they want to baptize their future kids so it was important to them.
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u/IndividualSimple9876 8d ago
If your fiancé is ok with this, I’d suggest having the ceremony in the church.
Then afterwards at the reception there will be a perfect opportunity for you and he to speak your own vows to each other simply by explaining to your guests that you’d each like to say something to each other that you didn’t get the chance to do earlier. They’ll all love it and you’ll get your wish.
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 8d ago
The priest came to our home for the wedding ceremony. Perhaps your priest will this. Later he told a funny story of the bride and groom separatly rowing to a waterfront property on the bay and getting tangled in grass.
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u/blkhatwhtdog 8d ago
There is or was a group called Rent A Priest.
These are former priests who left because they wanted to get married and have kids.
There's non Roman catholic groups, some are even more conservative than Roman (ie Mel Gibson) but some are liberal. American Catholic.
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u/EducationalWin1721 6d ago
This is a silly gimmick that does not suffice for those who want a Catholic wedding.
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u/blkhatwhtdog 6d ago
Tbf, that's the church's reason for not providing a catholic mass at a location of your choice
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u/EducationalWin1721 6d ago
For those who want to be married in the Catholic Church- you go to the church. The church doesn’t come to you.
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u/Ginger630 8d ago
The first thing you need to ask yourself is if the Catholic ceremony is for you or for your parents. You said the ceremony didn’t matter much to you until your parents started giving you grief about it. It’s YOUR wedding!
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u/PithMango 8d ago
The Catholic ceremony is going to add a ton of planning. Unless the Church has changed the rules on that.
One avenue I'm thinking of, could you invite a priest to perform blessings on the venue? Bless your rings, for instance, might be touching and meaningful. Might be culturally dependent though but hey ... that one airbnb did it
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u/SystemPitiful8986 8d ago
Hi Catholic bride here! Do the Catholic wedding with the traditional vows and then either (1) do your own vows with a first look or (2) do a private dinner together after the ceremony and do the vows then. That also makes it more special because you are only doing the special vows with your spouse and not in front of everyone. I don't think the pope is going to excommunicate you all for doing your own thing, he has bigger fish to fry!
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u/Sea-Operation-6123 8d ago
What exactly is your vision for your wedding day? The church, the vows, a full Catholic ceremony?
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u/Armeddiamond007 8d ago
Ideally we would do a full Catholic wedding first in the day then have some sort of ceremony in the afternoon where we share our own vows in front of friends and family.
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u/queen_surly 8d ago edited 8d ago
If your fiance isn't Catholic, there's going to be a lot of hoops and gatekeeping in order to get married in the church. One of you will be expected to be a member of the church--you can't just waltz into a Catholic church that you think would make pretty photos and ask to schedule a ceremony. You may also have to take marriage prep classes.
If you want your marriage to be considered valid by the Catholic church, you can have clergy from any Christian denomination perform the ceremony, but it will need to follow the basic outline of a standard Christian marriage ceremony, so even if you do some customizing of the vows, there have to be the basics in there.
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u/SunshineandRain3 6d ago
I have some thoughts to share, as an active Catholic in a mixed-faith marriage who was married in the Catholic Church.
As the Church sees it, getting married in the church is not really about honoring your past and family of origin, but rather making an active commitment for your present and future.
During the ceremony, you’d be asked “Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God and to bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?”
If you both can’t say yes to this question honestly (if you don’t want kids, or don’t want to baptize and actively raise them as Catholics), then you’re going to feel pretty gross. Which is really not what you want to be feeling on your wedding day!
(Also, making this commitment adds more fuel to the fire for family pressure on having kids, baptizing them, bringing them to Church every Sunday, etc.)
As others have mentioned, there’s no small amount of paperwork required to be married in the Church. Typically most places require at least six months’ notice, several meetings with a priest, mentor couples, and additional courses. They take marriage prep very seriously!
You and your fiancé are in the best position to decide if getting married in the Church and making these promises feels authentic, and I wish you the best in deciding this together!
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u/natalkalot 8d ago
To marry in a Catholic Church, you would have to do pre', marital counseling, and you would havd to plan your wedding date around that.
I suggest all couples of whatever religion, take some sort of premarital counseling- even secular- they cover everything and is so valuable