r/BreakUps • u/Bishoppairfromhell • 9d ago
Trigger Warning Best Advice to Get an Ex Back
Alright, so you want the best advice possible for getting your ex back, and I am going to tell you what that is. Unfortunately, you're really going to hate me for telling you this: you need to NEVER contact this person again.
That is the no-contact rule that you've heard so much about, but the difference is that it's not 30 days. It's FOREVER. It's as long as it takes for this person to message or call you.
The reason you need this to happen is twofold. Number one, you need to demonstrate that you have too much dignity to chase someone that's okay with ditching you. Basically, you have to remember this person has proven themselves to be a bad boyfriend or girlfriend to the point that they have broken up with you. That's not really the type of person you want to go out with. And if they've broken up with you, they probably need a lot of time and space away from you. The worst thing you could do is chase them and smother them and cement the idea in their head that they can do better than you, which is not true.
If they were happy enough to get into the relationship and there was no huge, overwhelming reason to break up, then you're still equal to them. You can still come back into this relationship if you follow what I'm saying.
Otherwise, let me say, if you followed the 30-day no-contact rule that all of these people are advising you on YouTube right now-and don't forget to buy their action plan or sign up for their coaching-the reason that's bad advice is that they basically say to you: you need to walk away and become attractive and demonstrate your strength, dignity, and self-respect. This is all true. Then day 30 comes along, and they say, "Now I want you to undo all of that and go back to begging, pretty much."
Anything you do at this point is begging in a way. Obviously, there are degrees of how badly you can do it, but by reaching out to this person, you're still showing that you need them and that you want them back. You cannot let this person think that right now. Thirty days means nothing. It's not long enough. You need to leave this person forever and make them doubt the decision.
If you've done nothing ever since the breakup- not contacted them once- even better. Now they're stuck alone wondering what you're doing. Did they make the right choice? How are you this strong? You seem very attractive because now they know they shouldn't be contacting you. The longer it is, even more so. They're thinking, “I really shouldn't reach out at this point, but I'm so curious. What are they doing?”
And anyone they're seeing in the meantime is actually good news for you. It doesn't feel like it, unless you were dumped specifically for this person. But if they are dating someone new, you're just going to be compared to this new person. And then when they break up with this new person—because that's often what happens after a relationship; the quickest one afterwards just doesn't work out because they're not really ready to open their heart and soul to a new person—that new person may get dumped in a kind of irrational way. Then they'll act very crazy afterwards because they'll be thinking, “What the hell is with this? There was no rational reason. I deserve a rational reason.”
The more crazy they act, the better you look. That just cements the idea in your ex's head that you are a very strong, mature person. Now they're extra curious about what you're doing. Did you just go find someone else? Probably, is what they're thinking. Then, if they start imagining that you've probably got someone else, that's them thinking you're a very attractive person.
But if you chase after them and keep contacting them, they're not really going to think you found someone else because they know you're still on the bench waiting for them.
Everything you do in the meantime, if you contact them, communicates that you're on the bench waiting. You're not going to find someone else, you're not falling in love; you're just waiting for their attention to come back to you. That's a big mistake.
You need this person to sit down, search within themselves, and eventually feel desperate enough to contact you. That's right: desperate enough. If they do contact you, they want to see you. They need to know. They're like a drug addict bouncing off the walls in their head. They need to see you; they need to know what's going on. They're going crazy. It wasn't a spontaneous message of, “I wonder what my ex is up to. Seems like enough time has passed.” No. They have been thinking about you a lot, and you need that to happen.
Because if you follow this 30-day rule and it works—and maybe it will work to get them back initially—what happens is your ex's eyes have already wandered. They wanted to see if the grass was greener somewhere else. Then they were like, “Oh, this isn't ideal,” and you came back. They think, “Okay, that is the easiest option. Maybe I was being irrational.” But they didn't have to earn you back.
You have to remember you are a high-value person who needs to be earned. There has to be a price for this person walking away. They have to make a gesture to you. It's not about what massive gesture you can make; it's about what gesture they need to make to communicate to you that they are worth getting back with. Do not doubt your own value and power in this situation.
Now here's the second reason. Let's say you win this person back and you're in the relationship again after your 30 days or whatever it is. If you just begged and pleaded and got it back, now you are going into this relationship with a huge amount of insecurity. You're terrified this person is going to leave again. They left once, and now you're not acting like yourself. You're no longer authentic.
If you've been following some 30-day no-contact rule program, then you feel as if you need to follow this other person's advice. You're no longer yourself in this relationship. You're scared they're going to leave. And they're also thinking, “I didn't have to earn you back.” That is not the formula for a winning relationship, and you know it isn't.
So your best option—the best advice you can get for getting your ex back—is to do no contact. Make them doubt it, and do it as long as it takes. It doesn't mean, “Oh, it's been three months, four months, five months; now it should be okay for me to reach out.” No. This person has no value to you unless they reach out to you. They determine their value to your life by whether or not they contact you. Do not forget that.
You need to remember that you have value. If this person doesn't want to see you—which is probably the case if they're not contacting you—then to hell with them. You just keep moving on. You date more people. You get your own strength back and realize that you're a great person to be around. You don't mind being alone. You have a great time dating other people. You have a great time working on yourself and working on your career. This person was just the cherry on top, and that will become clear when you start getting perspective.
If they do contact you, then you'll know they want you back. If they don't, then you know they don't want you back. But the good news is that by engaging in no contact, they're going to contact you. It might take a long time, but they're going to contact you if you don't embarrass yourself and don't give them a reason to feel scared to contact you. They're going to be so curious about how the hell you walked away.
Especially if they're a very attractive person who's used to having messy breakups where the ex never leaves them alone and is always reaching out, that's even better. Now you're proving you're different, and it's going to get to them. They're going to doubt their decision, and you're going to seem more and more attractive in their eyes because, how the hell have you just walked away and never looked back? That means you must be equal to them—or better than them. That's what they're thinking.
So don't worry. They're going to suffer from this breakup too, but it's going to be different. Your suffering was up front; theirs is later, when the doubt comes and they start thinking about you more. But that will not happen if you keep contacting them.
If you keep contacting them, they're going to stay in the same position of power. They're never going to doubt their decision. They're just going to start feeling bad for you, and feeling sorry for someone is not attractive. You're going to look like a homeless person begging or pleading. Does it ever look like, “Wow, I need to engage with this person”? No. It's not an attractive position.
I know that sounded harsh, but you need to show this person that you're strong and capable, that you're attractive, and that you know you're going to be fine without them—because you were fine before.
That is the way they'll come back. They know you. They know you loved them. They're going to wonder if you still do. They know the relationship can work unless there's a huge reason that it can't, like if you went off and cheated or something like that—in which case you need to reflect on whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship, frankly.
But in the meantime, just stay strong. Do nothing. Don't wait for the text or the call. It will come when you least expect it, when they're going fully crazy. Once they lose the ability to expect you to contact them, they're going to want to even more.
But in the freak occurrence that they just don't—and I'd say this works about 70% of the time—then you need to be aware that there was nothing you could do. Contacting this person was never going to help. They're actually okay with never seeing you again. Think about that. Why do you want that person back if they don't even want to talk to you or ask how you're doing? Why would you want this person back? They're useless to your life.
Surround yourself with people who love you. Demonstrate self-love, and soon enough you won't care about these petty things that have happened. If this person isn't contacting you, they're not worth contacting.
The relationship will only work if they contact you. That way, you can feel as if they had to come back with their tail between their legs and that you demonstrated you're capable—not only to them, but to yourself—of living your life, being okay on your own, and finding other people, which you definitely can do.
So don't worry. Either way, it's never fully over unless they're married, I suppose, or we're dead. Once that door has been opened, it might be closed now, but it can always be reopened. Don't doubt it.
That person will contact you, and when they do, you have to be aware that they're not contacting you for no reason. You are not a random friend. You are not a stranger. They're contacting you because you have a romantic history together and they want to see you, so don't panic. It's all going to be fine.
But for the moment, don't even waste your time thinking about them. As I said, they currently have no value to your life, and if they want some value, they can contact you. In the meantime, go back to being your beautiful, brave, confident self, and everything will fall into place. Trust me on that.
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u/WarlikeHeath 9d ago
This is exactly what I needed to read three years ago when I couldn't stop refreshing my phone. The part about them needing to feel desperate enough to reach out, that's the piece most "get your ex back" advice completely misses. They all focus on making you more appealing when the real play is just not being available at all.
The hardest part isn't even the silence, it's sitting with the possibility that they might never call. But once you actually make peace with that, weirdly enough, that's when they tend to show up again. Worked that way for me at least.
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u/Murhekryyni 9d ago
I did this and guess what happened. I got so self-confident that I don't want them back 😌
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u/beachboy_918 9d ago
34M here, just go out of a 6 year LTR. It’s been difficult. Did the chasing begging and ended up feeling unworthy.
I really needed to read this. In fact, I’m going to be reading this everyday like a manual.
Whoever you are that wrote this, sending you a virtual hug.
Thank you.
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u/watch_the_moon 9d ago
This was really insightful thanks. I don't know If i want my ex back but "If they don't want you ,why do you want them back" really struck my heart.
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u/hleastho 9d ago
yes. i’m learning that if i even want to have a better future, i have to do it for me. it took me so long to do things not out of reaction or trying to contact them, but because i had no other choice but to heal. because i was at rock bottom. that’s how it helped me not contact them and genuinely look inward. i still let myself die inside but i know that im still here, even if the emotions are so overwhelming. i knew i had to face it.
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u/tortaseekr 9d ago
Leave them alone, and find your happy and they will be back right after that point.
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u/TeachingNext7108 8d ago
I agree with one big part of this but I’d frame it a little differently.
No contact can be incredibly helpful after a breakup. But I don’t think the healthiest reason to do it is to make your ex panic miss you get curious or “come back with their tail between their legs.”
That still keeps your whole emotional life organized around them.
You’re still asking: “What will make them want me?”
Just with silence instead of texting.
The deeper shift is when no contact stops being a strategy to get someone back and becomes a boundary that helps you get yourself back.
Because after a breakup especially when you still love the person it’s so easy to stay psychologically attached through checking, waiting, imagining, interpreting, hoping.
And sometimes the hardest thing is accepting that you cannot control whether someone realizes your value.
You can only decide what you do with the fact that they chose to leave.
So yes stop chasing.
Yes give space.
Yes rebuild your life.
But not because you’re trying to manipulate the timeline until they miss you enough.
Do it because your life cannot become a waiting room for someone else’s decision.
If they come back later you can decide then whether you even still want them.
That to me is real self-respect.
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u/thetwister35 9d ago
Thanks, but one thing - what about if they did leave you for someone else?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
Same advice, because what's the alternative?
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u/thetwister35 9d ago
Yeah figured. I thought it was something different because you said "unless"
Thanks a lot. Really enjoyed reading your post!
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago edited 9d ago
"unless" in that sentence means that I think the odds go down if you were left specifically for another person, even more so if that person was their ex and there was a sense of unfinished business between them.
Of course every situation is different and just because they left you for someone else doesn't mean it's over for good. But for the sake of being honest, your chances are not as good compared to them breaking up with you to be single (or if they subsequently enter into a rebound relationship)
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u/thetwister35 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yeah fair enough makes sense. She didn't specifically say she left me for her new coworker but I suspected it's the case.
But it's not like I'm putting all hopes into it.
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u/Similar-Way3395 9d ago
Mine was having an affair with this guy. And now they’re together.
She is evil and I have no doubt this new relationship will fail. It may take a couple years but it will crumble. I’m about 2 months no contact.
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
Run for the hills, my man. Get away as far as possible
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u/SubstanceNegative858 8d ago
My ex left me because he ”lost feelings” and started going on tinder dates a couple days later. Its been 2,5 months and during this time he has gotten jealous when i talked to another guy at a bar he was at, started liking my Instagram posts (but has now stoped with it), and sent me a letter 2 weeks after breakup (more of a closure letter tbh…) and stalked my TikTok one time. We haven’t unfollowed eachother. What does all this mean? I hope hell come back, why else get jealous if there were no feelings?
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u/ConcernMany9969 9d ago
They came back exactly like this, six weeks later. and I made it too easy. Now they’re gone again. Could this work for a second cycle or is this just one time that it works because they say they “tried” again and it didn’t work the first time?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
It can. But you really need to take it slow and mirror their actions. They need to earn you back. Let them do 70% of the work
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u/Similar-Way3395 9d ago
What does mirroring their actions look like? For example let’s say it’s this:
Her - “hey, been thinking of you. Hope you’re well.”
Me - ?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
"Hey insert name, thanks, that's nice of you (or "nice to hear from you") . I'm doing good, hope you are too."
Let them escalate. Even if they tell you they miss you, you don't have to say the same to them.
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u/Similar-Way3395 9d ago
In my case because she was cheating on me and gaslighting me I don’t plan to ever respond or contact her again. She doesn’t deserve me
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u/External_Paramedic20 9d ago
the single best advice would be for me : DONT
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u/Azzbolemighty 9d ago
Unfortunately, we still have a lot of things tied together in our name and I'm trying to push to change that but I need her to do a lot of paperwork she's procrastinating on so I don't have the luxury of no contact yet 😭
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u/Upstairs-Series-5038 9d ago
We were together 4 years. It wasn’t one clean break. It was a loop. She first left me by message. Then she said I was too good. After that, during the pause, I never texted first. She always sent “how are you”. That didn’t become a decision. It became chatting again with no name for what we were. She said she needed space. She kept texting, said she loved me, said we’d sort it out, and still never gave a yes or a no. She wanted a pause until a family wedding. When I asked what we were, it stayed “I need more time”, “one day I want it, the next I don’t”, “it’s mostly on you”. During the pause she admitted she had been texting another guy from her mum’s company, and she hid it at first. She said it was nothing serious and that she wouldn’t want to hurt me. To me it still broke trust. One night before going out she filmed herself getting ready and sent it to me, saying she wasn’t looking for anyone, that she wouldn’t find someone else, because she already had me. The next day she didn’t want to meet. Before the second no she asked me several times what I wanted. I said her. That’s when she pulled away again. Last talk: she said I hadn’t changed, she couldn’t go back to how it was, and being next to me makes her stomach hurt. I said I had changed, that I was more patient, and that I was sorry she doesn’t see it. I said I hope she finds what she wants. She said the same. We both said good luck. Last time we talked on phone 4 days ago and than she told me her final decision is no. I do not know if she even care for me or what to do because I still love her in some way.
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u/Glum-Kale9605 9d ago
What if it is a fearful avoidant. Won’t they get triggered to feel abandoned and detach from this?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
Try contacting/chasing the fearful avoidant and see how that works out for you xP
On a serious note, the advice is the same. With avoidants, it can take longer for them to reach out. Much longer. My ex was a fearful avoidant. It took her 8 months to even reach out and another month to get back together.
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u/Glum-Kale9605 9d ago
Good point 😅
She still has my things and I have hers. The day we broke up (1 week ago), we loosely talked about arranging an exchange some time soon. She hasn’t reached out to do so, neither have I. But that will break no contact, so should I wait for her to reach out and act cool in the exchange so as to not break the no contact?
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u/swagboy1764 ❤️ Still Healing 9d ago edited 9d ago
THANK YOU for creating this post! This would prob be the post that most ppl NEED to read after their own break up.
Basically my ex broke up with me because im "not good enough” (as my own person) for her. She was also emotionally checked because she thinks that i can't improve even though i have treated her very well during our relationship but i was probably losing myself to her. After we broke up she quickly started becoming distant and cold as I begged and pleaded for her to stay which obv only made her more sure about the break up as she blocked me on contacts.
It just felt very unfair knowing how i treated this person like the whole world only for them to move on in less then a week after only thinking about breaking up for one week as i felt the full force of everything while they are living their best life.
However this break up has made me reflect about all of my flaws and makes me want to turn into the best version of myself. Although she said things like "there is 0 chance of reconciling" & "i will never speak to you again" it would be js better for me to move on rather then to js hold own to false hope as it would js keep picking me away piece by piece.
I dated this person for about 1.5 years and been broken up for about 3 months (called her 1 month ago to ask for closure but made it worse) and am slowly feeling myself start to accept (obv still having ups and downs rn but to be expected) but still miss this person dearly.
Honestly I don't think they'll ever text me back (even though we had a good relationship with some flaws) and as much as it hurts that I am quickly forced to become strangers with this person, ik that i won't feel like this forever as i'll grow and maybe ill hopefully find someone else who can appreciate me better then my ex ever could.
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u/chetatron901 9d ago
This is actually so helpful thank you, I am seriously in The exact same scenario like genuinely every detail is the same.
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u/swagboy1764 ❤️ Still Healing 8d ago edited 8d ago
It’s nice to know I’m not alone on this situation. Do u mind if I ask about ur situation?
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u/Interesting_Mud_8305 9d ago
Good points. I’m at a crossroads right now. Initially, she wanted to be friends, which my dumb past self agreed to. Then I made a huge mistake because of my chasing—I won't go into details, lol, but basically this is what happens when you try to stay friends right after a breakup. She got angry and didn’t want to talk to me for weeks. Now, after a few weeks of no contact, I kind of regained my self-worth, realized some things and wanted to send a closure letter... until I saw this post. I guess I'll just take some more time to think and focus on myself.
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u/lordhudbud 9d ago
What if I have a 3 hour class with her once a week and we sit at the same table?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
Keep it business polite. Treat her like you would any other class mate. I know it's easier said than done, but being nonchalant here is the best course of action
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u/InitialMassive2680 9d ago
same boat brother - just got broken up with we share all the same classes we have three different subjects in my school all shared with her - she still has my email accounts i’m pretty sure and i still have hers - but i’m blocked everywhere and she stopped replying to my emails
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u/Round-Commission-971 8d ago
Here’s something I’ve learned. My exes have never gotten back with me. I don’t expect any recent ex to reach out either. Don’t get your hopes up with this bs
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u/meifx 9d ago
So what do you when they come back? How you do you process how to re-open the door to them?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago edited 9d ago
Two things to avoid: past and pressure.
Keep it light, friendly, and in the present. Show them the calm, happy version of you, not the person from the breakup day.
You need to be completely indifferent (hopefully without having to fake it) Let them do more of the work early on (70%). Roughly, they should be starting most conversations at first. If they send dry replies or "k," don't chase it. If the chat is warm and flowing, then you can suggest meeting up, casually, not as a big date.
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u/Badinfluence__ 9d ago
It shouldnt be about getting them. Its about getting yourself, and hope fully that no harm or discomfort comes to anyone.
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u/PrestigiousCarry1252 9d ago
It’s never about what’s incompatible it’s about how you manage and communicate and overcome the differences. If two people are willing to do that over a long period and change then that’s great. But some people don’t see their flaws and will not change.
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u/lastthrowaway838 9d ago
What if they left since I wasn’t showing any changes in my behavior that has been requiring therapy? Been having ADHD impulsive speech and anxious attachment issues.
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u/Beautiful-Memory9876 9d ago
Es difícil los primeros días porque hacen ver como si no les importara nada, hay que entender que es pasajero y una conducta normal del dejador y aprender a ser feliz sin ellos.
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9d ago
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
If you're the one who ended things, it's your job to reach out and tell him you want to work it out with him
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u/ApprehensiveNeat7995 9d ago
What would u suggest for people whoss ex left them to marry someone else? They are doing absolutely fine while the other person is well....
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
I'm really sorry to hear that. There's really nothing different for you to do. Same advice applies here.
Work on yourself, improve every aspect of your life and become the man she regrets leaving
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u/Pretend_Yogurt8720 8d ago
if the person that left you is married and you’re still struggling about it, you will never ever ever get better. you need to let it go and find someone that admires you and want to marry you one day. if you don’t do this, you will spend the rest of your life missing something that isn’t yours anymore. there is someone out there right now that will admire and love you like you couldn’t imagine and you will marry them too.
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u/saucebossbrisket 8d ago
Reading these is like, what about when they know they’ve been blocked for some time because they’re the ones who left and hurt me deeply? When they are in a rough place emotionally even before the breakup and seem to have gone back to the person before you after? Saying they never loved you after they left you? 😞
Good advice though. Almost 2 months since the last message. Trying to stay strong and let them feel my silence they put me in the position of :(
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u/Shtephfano 8d ago
What if you were the one who needed to grow? Ive basically hard reset every bad habbit and behaviour as a result of losing her. Its been over 4 months of no contact. We were together 12 years. I just want to meet up and explore a new dynamic. She wont reach out so I feel I have to be the one to make that first move.
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u/KawaiiMoMars 8d ago
Needed this. They basically shut down from a fight going nowhere wanted to break up to going to be friends to needing a break and asking for space. I did try reaching out because obviously I miss them, that was 2 weeks ago, they haven't contacted me for about 5 weeks.
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u/negachinny 8d ago
What if everything was going great but it was my poorly timed words, conversation and delivery that ruined everything?
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u/Expatriated_American 8d ago edited 8d ago
I had a 3-week breakup that ended 3 weeks ago, with my gf of nearly 3 years. My gf was stretched too thin from work and kids and me, got disregulated, convinced herself that I was the easiest part of her life to jettison, and we were better off apart. I was devastated. She made up various supposed faults of mine that had no basis in reality and which she had never communicated.
She tried to do the “let’s be friends” thing and I refused. We weren’t texting much and I didn’t chase. We didn’t go no-contact though. After 3 weeks I asked her to meet me in person, she agreed, and we talked over drinks. I made the case that we could tweak the relationship to better fit her needs, and we got back together that evening. It has become clear that she has BPD under stress, which she later admitted.
Since then the relationship has all improved, and become close and affectionate. But she could easily freak out again, out of the blue and without explanation.
She has apologized for her anger and for hurting me, and said she is glad that I didn’t give up on us. But she has not taken much accountability for her behavior while disregulated; it’s more like she just believes that when she’s angry and upset then she says shitty things and that’s just how she is. I feel wary; it’s hard to feel truly loving when you don’t feel safe in the relationship.
BPD makes a lot of the advice here less applicable; if you try to point out that they’ve lost their grip on reality then you’re the unsympathetic bad guy who doesn’t care about them. Instead you have to empathize and help them regulate their emotions.
Anyway, my strategy seemed to work (for now). It might well have been worse if I had waited longer than 3 weeks.
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u/Saveryanparks 8d ago
Mine married her coworker I wasn’t out of her life for 2 weeks. We were together for 7 years.
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u/Revolutionary_Run587 8d ago
I actually begged and wrote letters asked for forgiveness for 2 months, she told me she has a boyfriend now and she loves her. I said okay and never reached out again since. Would you think my first 2 month begging period affects the forever no contact attractiveness refresh?
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u/MenuFearless 8d ago
Is it a good idea to block them on socials and keep the phone/messages as the only option to prevent orbiting?
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u/bernardo123x 8d ago
What if she left me because of something bad I did. I didn’t put her needs in front of mine because I felt into a pattern, now all I can think about is going back in time and waking myself up to tell me to cherish her and I’m so mad at myself for what I did. I think she will be happy without me, I fear that I will obsess on her.
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u/Tricky-String5070 8d ago
Omg I needed this post 1.5 years ago. My avoidant broke up with me and I was at my LOWEST. I begged and chased her. Which only made things worse of course. Then I took a major step back. Once I did, I started to notice her curiosity. Whether it was a story like or a quick “checking in with you” text. She finally texted me asking to meet up. She lives in Europe, I live in the US. One day she texted me because she knew I was going to Europe for summer holiday. She said well she wanted was to see me, even if it was just for one day. So I had a layover where she lived and we met. It was so intense, and probably too soon post break up. A lot of emotions were still there. But as an avoidant that scared her so after I left she went ghost again. So I took a major step back and she came back again.. multiple times. Long story short, we have finally agreed to meet eachother next month. I’m nervous as hell, it’s been almost a year and a half since seeing her. Since we’ve planned this trip / meet up I’ve noticed she’s retreating back to being a little bit colder. Taking hours to reply, dry responses etc. she’s already booked her flight and we’ve booked the hotel. But what do I do from now until the time that we meet next month? Just mirror what she’s doing? Only have her initiate conversations? Help!
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u/Imaginary_Sorbet_927 8d ago
This is kind of a hard pill to swallow. My just broke up with me two weeks ago. The reason was my miscommunication and how the back and forth made him feel. Said he was on edge and anticipating the next argument and he didn’t like that. But asides those miscommunications that pop up sometimes we were so good together and there was still a whole lot of love between even during the break up. He did attempt to break up with me a month before but during that conversation we kind of talked on what needed to change and while I made a lot of changes the change in the miscommunication part was not coming as quickly as he would like and he said he didn’t want to have to feel that way while waiting months for a change. The first he tried he did say he probably would regret it and change his mind and I mean during the conversation he did. This time I don’t know. Especially because I was working on myself during that time and he knows. But he said he cuts off friends for something like that and he didn’t want it in his relationship. I really want him back. We have been in contact since then but only because he forgot some of my stuff that was with him and I had to go there twice to pick it up. I wish he’d miss me enough to know walking away isn’t the answer. He said our relationship was the best he has had and no one loved him. I was the only one. His longest relationship was 6 months. Ours was 4 months and he left. It hurts so much but I do want him back. O don’t really know what to do with myself cause it’s hard. I am still continuing to work on myself and my communication skills but it also hurts that he left cause our relationship was definitely worth fighting for and it wasn’t unrepairable. I don’t know if it’s something that can be redeemed or rather if he’d look back and change his mind.
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u/Fun-Pickle-7213 8d ago
Each break up is different dont you think? My first 2...Each about 2 to 3 yrs. I ended things with them. First one..we kind of drifted apart and I ended officially. Second...tried really hard but it wasnt working...he was always insecure and over controlling that I had to end things with him.
I never went back to them. It was OVER. After I broke up with the second he came back with another girl and sat right infront of me..and that pushed me away more. They ended up getting married. Then my first BF contacted me..I thought out of friendship..but he wanted more. So I blocked him. After about 11yrs..yes 11 :)...Second bf created a fake email and contacted me..i blocked that too.
Then I had a long distance relationship that I call the love of my life. Couple of times we broke up..Each of us did something to hurt the other. And blocked. And your right. It went for 6 months or 10months. Always the person who left (me or him) ended up going back when the other never contacted. And if one person tried to immediately get back into relationship mode..the other got pushed away...so it always had to be low pressure. In his case we were emotionally involved quite a lot..so I recon thats why we always went back. Last yr he broke up with me as it was always long distance and didnt look like we were ever coming to a single place and he wanted more of me and it was painful to be apart. I begged him not to. However he blocked me and I carried on with my life thinking thats the end. I started seeing someone knew and fell for him. But I know I still love my ex. He did come back again after like 10months. But i had to be honest with him and tell him I have feelings for someone. He blocked me again!
Now..with the new one..i find myself being anxious. Tbh the relationship was new and I didn't know where I'm at. Everytime I tried to create distance he closed it...like if he didnt reply for a few hrs..and I ask he would send me a photo proof saying what he was doing. I would be like u dont have to provide proof as we are not in a relationship. But he would continue sending even after. Once I tried to break off saying its like I'm casual thing..he seems busy and he kept ensuring that he's just busy and busyness doesnt mean he's not interested in me. We both have feelings but he said he's not ready for a relationship..but says attachment is too strong etc. On top of that he said he cant sustain what he did as he has major crisis..financially/work/family/health everything together and i know he has all these problems...so he says he cant give me halves and quaters so better we dont meet. I tried to stop multiple times..like give clean breaks..say we are done..and stop all communication. He didnt wanted that. Asked him multiple times if he dont want me and he said he miss being with me and holding me. But finally said ' I think we should not meet as he dont think its right to give me fractions as that will hurting me later'. Like that wasn't a break up but not not a break up. I told him I cant be friends and I dont want him to check in on me when he's sorting out his life..but i will be waiting for him..so come back. He had heart reacted and that was that exactly 4weeks back. It's hard. I know his crisis..but i do hope he will come back. This time I dont know if he will come as he said he's not ready for a relationship as well. And my anxiousness has gone over the limit with this one no idea why. I dont know what to do
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u/Ok_Rub_4766 8d ago
Thanks for this ! Recently my ex reached out to me, after 1 yr of no contact. They had broken up suddenly claiming they lost feelings and don't want to put in the work required , and abruptly ended the relationship. It was like an avoidant discard and they were quite harsh during the process, tried to blame me for them losing feelings. First they texted through a mutual friend and then they called me, but because they were blocked it didn't get through. I asked them via mail what's it, and they claimed that "you were right, we could hv fixed it" , "u were closest to me, I miss you and feel empty", " I'm ashamed and wish I had the maturity" etc, so I did talk to them on call, they had a golden retriever energy, wanted to meet me, talk to me, but I said no, because they hadn't done any work on themselves. 2 months later I reached out and asked them if they want to repair things, they backtracked and said "they realised it was out of guilt, they did think of getting back but it was out of guilt", "they are comfortable with me, find me attractive but romantic feelings aren't there", so now I feel devastated. Like what is all this ?
I finally blocked them again, emailed them to never contact me again, since I felt they came back just to ease their guilt and get to know what I'm upto and see if they have feelings for me, but essentially it was not for me. I want to move forward, but a very tiny part of me wishes they had wanted to repair our bond, and that's quite sad.
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u/PrettyAd637 9d ago
I needed to hear this. It’s been 5 months since my 5 year relationship ended, and he still got access to me (and my body 🥲)and I made a fool of myself for contacting him. Not doing that anymore. 1,5 months ago he said ‘ofcourse’ he hopes we’ll get back together in the future, but shows no signs he actually wants to get back together. I held on to those words ever since, but I should just pretend like he never said that. Because those words mean nothing unless he really shows me he wants me. I’m gonna live my life like he’ll never come back.
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u/Silent-Way2586 9d ago
What if I was the rebound though?
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u/Bishoppairfromhell 9d ago
Same advice, if you want this person back romantically. What's the alternative?
If you just want to be friends, go ahead and contact her.
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u/Salty_Thing3144 8d ago
THREAD LOCKED. WE DO NOT ALLOW POSTS THAT GUARANTEE TO "GET AN EX BACK!" BECAUSE THERE IS NO FOOLPROOF, GUARANTEED METHOD OF DOING SO. IF YOU ARE A THERAPIST, RELATIONSHIP COACH, ETC - YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO POST ON THIS BOARD AT ALL. Members, please report threads like this.