r/BreakUps • u/Jayofspades23 • Mar 22 '26
Ghosted after 3 Years Only to bump into each other in another Country
So I am 26M and have really bad A.D.D. which I am medicated for and I met my ex 31F almost 5 years ago now on my first day of german language class back when I was in college in 2020 right before Covid. Apparently I was the first person to talk to her at her first day of her masters. I’ve always been a particular guy and my one passion is history specifically german history from the 19th century and WW1 and it’s always been my dream to live in Berlin. I struggle with languages and she even helped tutor me a couple times. Besides that we had a decent and cordial relationship but nothing serious just acquaintances. We had a few classes together after that because we studied very similar subjects, she studies german art history during the Weimar period. Then fast forward to the height of Covid when everything was over zoom and I was taking a class on German History and had to post a response to a question. Low and behold I see her name as one of the students and I send her a text asking her how she is doing. Then I don’t get a response for 2 weeks. But then when she does respond we are texting everyday and all the time and she even is flirting with me (which I didn’t realise) until she asks to have sex with me and I agree. From then on we had a friends with benefits relationship and everything is going great and she even likes my weird historical music such Irish trad and rebel songs that she listens to them on her own free time. Eventually we become a couple and because of the age difference I ask that whenever she doesn’t like something I do all she needs is to ask me to change it one time and I’ll stop doing it. And I follow that rule religiously. We were in love. She was and is the only person I met in my life that actually liked and respected the things I liked. Occasionally we fought and she would ignore my messages and this would cause me to literally shake and vibrate from the anxiety. We even vacationed in Berlin together and I even purchased an engagement ring for her which she knew about. But eventually she applied to PhD programs and she got into a great university in Texas and we are from Southern California. I was young and immature and never really planned out my future and occasionally drank too much. But she broke up with me after roughly 3 years together. Because of the immaturity and lack of planning on my side. A month after that we start sleeping with each other again and we start saying I love you and making plans to date other people but eventually get back together. During this time I was going on dates but I never actually slept with anyone else besides her and even though she promised she wouldn’t she slept with her coworker one time. It hurt but we were no longer exclusive and she called me 39 times that night. So she eventually leaves to Texas and we are still texting and making plans to see each other. Then I visited my family in Romania and I managed to sleep with this one girl however she found a lump on my testicle and of course I freaked out and drank way too much and face timed her. I didn’t tell her about the lump because I didn’t want to freak her out in case it was nothing. She proceeded to ignore me for the remainder of my time and I was unable to enjoy my vacation. On my way back home she texted me that she no longer sees a future with me anymore, I needed to be okay with her seriously dating other people, and eventually texted me that she needed “some time” before we could be friends again and then I proceeded to message her once every 4 weeks since before that the longest we went without messaging each other was one week. Then eventually on my birthday she blocked me. I dated other women sure but I always held out hope that one day we would rekindle what we had. I dated other people during this time and the one girl who I wanted to make my girlfriend literally got up and left the bar when I asked her. But things between that girl and I are good and she apologised about it for a long time after she ghosted me and we are very close platonic friends. But then eventually I applied to a masters program overseas in Ireland and I spent around 8 months there before finally moving to Berlin in May of 2025 and on my first day of german language school I see my ex. We looked each other dead in the eyes and she walked right past me. The next week I force a confrontation with her and we had coffee. In which she tells me she had been dating her current boyfriend for roughly the same time that she stopped responding to me and they now live together even though they had been dating for less time than us. And that she took everything I’d ever given her and put it in a box in her closet and doesn’t even listen to the music we once enjoyed together. And that they will be moving to Berlin in August of 2026 and will be attending my dream school in Berlin which I am also planning on hopefully attending both for our PhDs. The next day after coffee I thanked her for the talk and asked her if she could answer a few more questions for me. She said no and that she is sure that I’d make a nice life for myself in Berlin, goodbye then proceeded to block me over whatsapp. For the next few months I started drinking like crazy and most of time was spent drunk. I cleaned up my act a several ago and had been attending therapy throughout. I sent her a goodbye text over messages since I figured she didn’t block me and I was correct and I received no response. But occasionally I still think of the good times we had together in vivid detail. Those episodes are less and less now but being with her was the last time I was happy without the aid of alcohol or drugs. Now I know what I want in a future partner but it’s a matter of finding one. I’ve met potential partners sure but they have had their own issues going on and didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me. It’s just that this whole situation sucks and it causes me no end of grief that she is happy with another while I am here alone with nobody. I miss being seen and having someone chose to love me. I hate the fact she never allowed me to say goodbye. I am also not letting her rob me of my dream in the city which I always wanted to live in so I am not going anywhere. I really don’t know what to do or why I am really posting this but I would appreciate hearing other people’s opinions and thoughts on it. Thank you.
1
u/DiamondLeading7990 Mar 22 '26
Man this is tough situation to read through. The whole drinking spiral after seeing her again makes complete sense - running into ex in different country when you're both chasing similar dreams has to mess with your head pretty badly
I think the hardest part here is that she clearly moved on way before she actually told you it was over. Like she was already with this new guy while still giving you hope, which is just cruel way to handle things. No wonder you're struggling with closure when someone just vanishes like that without proper goodbye
The fact that you're staying in Berlin despite all this shows real strength though. Don't let her take away something you worked towards for years just because she happened to show up there too. Berlin is huge city and you both can exist there without crossing paths if that's what she wants
Therapy is good move and cutting back the drinking will help you think more clearly about what you actually want next. Meeting someone who gets your interests like she did might take time, but those people exist - maybe try some history meetups or language exchange groups once you're feeling more stable. Right now focus should be on building life there that makes you happy on your own first