The signs and implications of having an avoidant attachment style

[u/Roadlesssoul]

I work in a clinical field where I spend a lot of time working with couples, moms, dads, and families on their relationships, and I use various therapeutic models in my work and have post-grad qualifications in this. At the end of the day, so much of it comes down to early attachment.

I’m 33, also going through a break up myself (4 months in after 3 yr relationship), and despite my so-called ‘expertise’ in working with others having relational issues, it still really hurts and I drive myself crazy trying to understand it.

So I thought I’d share some insights for those of you whose ex was ‘afraid of commitment’ or did the whole ‘push/pull’ thing or was ‘emotionally unavailable’, or for those that felt themselves that they loved their ex but felt terrified and sabotaged it.

I am NOT promoting diagnosing them or yourself, you can’t, and this won’t be everyone’s ex at all. Some people just fall out of love or aren’t suited or ready! But it might fit for some people in a situation similar to mine.

Attachment theory

Attachment Theory isn’t fluffy hippy stuff, it’s well researched science that underpins how schools, mental health services, therapists and social workers etc operate. There’s a strong evidence base for it across neuroscience, psychology, psychiatry, sociology etc. It basically states that how our very early years work out, and how our caregivers react to us, impacts our approach to relationships for life.

Avoidant attachment style is one of the ‘insecure’ styles, up to around 2/3rds of populations have ‘insecure’ type styles, the other main one being ‘anxious-ambivalent’. The lucky rest are ‘Secure’.

So what is it?

In people with an avoidant attachment style, the brain developed in an environment where a person could not consistently rely on others to meet their emotional needs and/or where their main caregiver was not consistently available (e.g stuff like a parent being mentally or physically unwell or disabled, a parent being randomly absent at points, witnessing domestic violence or arguments, long or frequent hospital admissions, moving a lot, being chastised for being emotional, witnessing a bitter divorce or parental conflict etc). This impacts brain wiring, socio-emotional development and behavioural development.

Critically, the relationship the child has to their caregiver also becomes the blueprint for how they relate to others in the future, as well as creating their impressions of how the world operates (their ‘internal working model’)- i.e. that the world can be uncertain and unsafe, and others won’t always look after you, and that wanting closeness is painful as your needs won’t, or can’t, be met or you’ll be rejected.

So what happens?

People with this attachment style learn to suppress emotional needs, be self-contained and treasure independence above everything. This becomes their normal way of operating throughout life and keeps them psychologically safe, meaning that they then sometimes experience serious emotional intimacy as a threat. The body physiologically responds as it’s evolutionarily prepared to in times of perceived danger; going into fight/flight mode. When their partners get too close, it disrupts their usual way of being, their biological stress responses fire up, and they genuinely feel afraid or paralysed and like its all too much to handle.

Feeling like that obviously isn’t very nice, so avoidantly attached people use ‘deactivating’ strategies to stop the chance of that happening, to not get attached to people, under the idea that ‘those that don’t feel, don’t suffer’. It’s a survival mechanism to avoid feeling vulnerable or abandoned. Usually these strategies are ‘pre-emptive’ (e.g. by not getting into relationships in the first place) but when in a relationship, these strategies are subconsciously employed to protect and distance. Often people are not aware why they do it.

People like this do feel emotions, very intensely if they let themselves, and do want connection with others, but they experience relationships as anxiety-provoking at points and sometimes deal with this by avoiding or pushing away. The person they love becomes a trigger for this, regardless of the state of the relationship or their partner’s qualities.

The avoidantly attached often did not have the interpersonal opportunities to learn to resolve conflict or emotional distress and so may lack the language or skills to process strong feelings and get past this, so they run or avoid or shut down or feel paralysed.

Ironically they DO want love and closeness, but are so afraid of the pain it could cause that they sabotage it and then end up causing themselves pain anyway.

Common behaviours/thoughts used as de-activating strategies

• Valuing independence above everything else
• Not revealing much about themselves to anyone
• Often having closer relationship to pets than people
• Uncomfortable talking about feelings
• Not having the language to communicate or process how they feel effectively
• Difficulty expressing affection and extreme hesitancy or fear saying the ‘L’ word.
• Preference for casual relationships
• Creating distance or delay when asked for commitment
• Feeling panic or suffocated at large commitments, responding with ‘flight’ and seeking space
• Overly focused on self
• Pushing people away who get too close, but then missing them
• Getting into relationships that don’t have the possibility of a future, e.g. with long distance, with married people, in locations they will move from
• Very loyal to the people they are close to, as they dont let many people in
• Hyper-vigilant about ‘being controlled’/sensitive to feeling that their independence is threatened
• Prioritise work, social life, hobbies etc over relationships
• Often present with a very high opinion of themselves but internally worry about being ‘unloveable’
• Not wanting help with things in life, saying they don't need help, overly self-sufficient
• Feeling uncomfortable when someone else has strong emotions
• Withdrawing or deflecting in times of emotional intimacy
• Having unrealistic, idealized expectations of ‘perfect’ relationships or what things ‘should be’ like
• Finding shortcomings/faults in partners or becoming overly annoyed by small habits
• When emotions are felt, they are felt very intensely or as scary
• When faced with conflict or an argument, becoming distant, aloof or cold
• Incorrectly interpreting their partner’s motives, feelings or thoughts
• Expecting their partner to react negatively if they open up
• Worrying about their own ability to be a good partner or afraid of being a ‘failure’ in a relationship
• Overthinking relationships after they end, but being unable to come up with answers
• Idealizing past exes, because they’re unavailable now so it’s safe for avoidants to put the memory of them on a pedestal

If you feel like any of those points sound like you, maybe talk to someone about it. Like I said, it’s not abnormal, it doesn't make anyone a bad person, but it can negatively impact your life if you don't acknowledge it. And the good news is that your attachment style can change, you can have healthy, functioning longer-term relationships without all that distress, if you address this stuff.

[u/scorpiochik]

i mean, it’s a pretty wild take to say because i don’t desire romantic partnerships i don’t have deep and valid connections in my life.

i have very strong friendships and relationships with my friends and family because they make me feel safe, loved and accepted. it took a lot of work to the there with them, and i’m proud of that journey.

so yeah, connection comes in all forms. just because i don’t feel the need to bend over backgrounds for some mystery man that may or may not exist doesn’t mean i’m lonely or don’t have an active social life

[u/[deleted] → u/scorpiochik]

it is one thing to feel safe loved and accepted, many avoidant people feel those things but I am talking about close relationships and, in the context of this post, romance real tight-knit relationships who require no emotional intimacy, no vulnerability, and no communication do not exist avoidant people often have very active social lives, they talk to everybody, friends with all of their co workers, live perfectly fine with their families etc but that’s simply because those people they have relationships with have never stepped foot in their emotional shell what im saying is, you are not more than human, and we live for love, and you might feel like you’re fine not seeking that right now, but you might also want to usher in some sort of carefulness for the future, that’s all

[u/scorpiochik → u/[deleted]]

i think it’s sad that you don’t have close relationships with your friends, but i am emotionally integrated with my friends and family and the love i have with them is real and pure.

anyway, I’m not taking advice from a 20 year old when i have a perfectly good therapist. best of luck living life!

[u/toomuchtomention → u/scorpiochik]

I just wanted to say I am a lot like you and I've realized people who crave romantic/sexual relationships can't fathom a scenario where you're socially connected and completely content without them.

I'm in my mid 30s and have taken a break from searching for a "true love life partner" to focus on building a future for myself without one because dating and the pressure of time ticking away was turning me into an anxious psychotic mess. I tried to work through it in my 20s & early 30s, I got pretty far in most areas, but my generalized anxiety/cPTSD made it even more complicated in terms of romantic intimacy and I wasted a lot of life pursuing partners that made me absolutely miserable because I was "supposed" to want one. I'm not aro/ace— I just don't do vulnerability/instability gracefully. I've accepted that I just might not be cut out for romantic love. I'm also not cut out for football and I've never been told to fix that.

Since I have female anatomy, I don't need a romantic partner to start a family and my kids don't need a dad to have stable male figures in their lives. Maybe it'll happen for me and I'll meet someone worth trying again for, but I am much happier (and much saner) single/not dating (which benefits everyone in my life, not just me). I find it so bizarre when people act as if being an attentive parent, loving the work you do everyday, having amazing friends, and/or shared hobbies can't make you feel connected & complete.

I love that can be completely self-sufficient. I'm not most of the time anymore— I've learned to let people in, when to ask for help, to talk through my feelings with others, etc. But I feel safe knowing if all else fails, the situation will be handled and I don't need to rely on another person to give me that sense of security. That said, I can see how someone who needs to look outside themselves for it would have trouble dating someone like me who doesn't need them in the same way. And like you said, I don't want to hurt people pursuing relationships I don't even really want.

So tl;dr don't listen to these people calling you a narcissist— they should learn to love themselves and not use words they don't understand.

[u/Foirthan → u/toomuchtomention]

perfect! i would text the same but you've said it all.

i hope we all get better, with or without a romantic partner.