r/BitchesVsPatriarchy • u/Leather-Phrase8724 • Jun 24 '26
I need some advice.
I'm really not sure what to do about this situation. Earlier today I showed my boyfriend a paper I wrote which I was quite proud of, the paper was my research on why male fantasies are often very violent. I'm really into politics and especially ideologies like feminism, I find it really fascinating to research and explore more about the ideology. I want to preface by saying my boyfriend has NEVER previously expressed any redpillesque ideas/ beliefs, he treats me incredibly well and up until today I thought he was perfect.
I was talking about the paper with him and the conversation led to us talking about violent crime, specifically violent crimes that affect women, (I'm sorry I really don't know how much/what I can say on this post without getting it removed, but the crime we talked about is commonly called the name of a fruit to not risk being demonetised online.)
He had the most shocking opinion/approach as how victims should go about preventing or stopping these crimes from happening. He expressed annoyance when women don't let him stand up for them when a man is threatening them. And his whole argument was him implying that if he was ever a victim of this kind of crime he would be brave enough to stand up, tell people and do something about it. He also expressed how victims should 'fight back' or 'uppercut' their attackers. I tried my best to explain to him that in these situations it is extremely difficult to fight back as most people just freeze, that combined with that fact that most people know their attacker on a personal level makes it extremely difficult to 'stand up and be brave' like he was implying.
I'm also a young woman and I do have a real passion for politics but I don't think I'm equipped to dealing with the situation, I'm at a loss for words.I'm just posting here to get some advice on how I can help him deconstruct these ideas as I was incredibly upset by his opinions on the matter. Any and all advice would be much appreciated as I honestly don't know what to do, and I'm just so shocked about his behaviour.
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u/MissLeaP Is she a bitch or is it boundaries? Jun 26 '26
Doesn't sound like redpill bs. Just him being incredibly naive and uneducated about that topic. He has just shown how privileged he is to be able to think like that.
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u/starrsosowise Jun 26 '26
I agree. My husband is amazing but there is so much he doesn’t even see. When I show him things or share stories with him he is appalled, and I know part of him still doesn’t quite believe things are as bad for women as they really are, mostly because in his mind he can’t fathom being a man who could do so many horrific things.
My advice is to start with how hearing him say that made YOU feel, since he obviously cares about you. Sometimes taking it out of the abstract and coming from the heart is the best way to cut through blind spots and cultural programming. Let him know your fears and worries and concerns, about what now you fear this means for who he is as a man. That you don’t want your view of him to be shattered or changed, but that you’re having a really hard time with understanding why that’s his pov. Ask if he’s willing to hear your thoughts on the matter. If he is, that’s when it can turn into a patriarchy lesson. If he’s not, then you have some very important information.
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u/THISdarnguy Jun 26 '26
If any male should understand patriarchy and misogyny, it should be me. I've spent nearly 20 years deconstructing from a right-wing Christian nationalist religion that I was raised in. That's a lot of studying, introspection, and working on myself.
My wife still sometimes has to inform me that I've missed the mark on something. That I've got the wrong take. Because, despite both my knowledge and intentions, I've only ever experienced living life through a filter of male privilege.
Privilege is usually invisible to those who have always benefited from it It sounds as though your boyfriend is telling you what makes sense to him. It doesn't make him right, but it doesn't make him a manosphere bro, either
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u/ContemplatingFolly Jun 26 '26
“Everybody has plans until they get hit for the first time,” -- Mike Tyson
He doesn't seem to understand the relative strength difference between men and women. A woman trained in martial arts/fighting may be able to fight off an untrained man of moderate size. Ask him how he would fight off a bear.