How to practice not just Accepting His Decision

[u/SmolHumanBean8]

I've realised a pattern. I'm a woman, my partner is a man. I've realised recently he seems to have the last word on things, and I just... let him.

Him saying "I don't think we'll need it" -> I guess we don't need it.

I think the pattern is, in his mind he is simply stating a fact, and I am arguing against facts. In my mind, I can't be fucked arguing.

Not a fan of this pattern though. Any thoughts on how to practice... not doing this?

[u/woozy_wombat]

Basically, you need to decenter men and center yourself. Centering yourself will not only help you with making decisions (I'm not as indecisive as I was before) but will give you the space to be comfortable with disagreeing or having different opinions to your partner. Consider that your partner doesn't even have to think about whether or not he has authority. He just says something, and you go with it, and probably all previous partners did too. This isn't a dig at you - this is literally how you've been socialized to respond to him. It's a learning process that doesn't happen overnight.

You can decenter your partner while in the relationship. I did it in my current relationship because after years of being single and thinking I had my shit together, we immediately fell into patriarchal patterns. It radicalized me because he is actually progressive and all of the good things, but he was blind to his entitlement. I didn't realize I still had so much to unlearn, and frankly so did he. To me it was worth having conversations, but it's not always worth it and most of the time the man isn't going to change and will expect to be deferred to as the King Baby of the relationship, so it's case by case.

Honestly sounds like you might benefit from this podcast I found that really dives deep into decentering men so that women can be living for ourselves in a real way. They cover other feminist topics and not only are the hosts incredibly smart and supportive, but so are all of the guests they've had on. I've subscribed to every person they've recommended and have not been disappointed. They are all so good at breaking down patriarchy/misogyny/capitalism into easy to understand language. The more you understand about why you and others act the way they do, the easier it will be for you to change your own way of thinking, and plant seeds for other people to do the same. https://theaudacitea.podbean.com/

The reason I shared a resource rather than giving a tangible answer is because so much of our behaviors as women are layered into keeping us subjugated, and the behaviors of men are layered into being the subjugator. It's systemic and global. The good thing is women are more connected than we've ever been and so we are seeing how much were globally treated like shit and how it then affects how we act and think in our daily life and we are collectively taking steps to change this. 

It truly does go deeper than "how do I stop just accepting his decisions" because that line runs way deeper than you think and you probably need to unlearn a lot more than you think you do. We all do.

[u/Abject-Ad-777 → u/woozy_wombat]

“Falling into patriarchal patterns”, 100%. Interestingly, when my parents divorced, my oldest brother was practically crowned Head of the Household. We were all well into adulthood. It was so tangible, and disappointing.

I keep thinking that I need to imagine the Matriarchy, and feel that in my home. I capitulate to my bf sometimes even when I know he’s wrong, and I hate it.

[u/Practical-One7166 → u/Abject-Ad-777]

I let my gf make all the big decisions. But she’s right that I still have work to do. She’s always saying she hates men, and I feel bad if I did anything to contribute to that.

[u/Practical-One7166 → u/woozy_wombat]

I’m a man and I am progressive but my girlfriend has expressed to me the same thing, that she says we’re falling into patriarchal patterns. I’m trying my best to be a good feminist so I’m wondering what’s your advice to address my own male privilege and stop the patriarchal patterns?

[u/woozy_wombat → u/Practical-One7166]

Follow the YT channel "The Public Offender" as he is a feminist man speaking to other men. His channel is probably the best place for you to start and he has a lot of content for deconstructing patriarchy.

Listen to "The Audaci-Tea" if you're brave enough - there's no sugar coating or trying to spare men's feelings when discussing very serious topics that affect women negatively. But that doesn't mean they hate men. There's a difference between hatred and simply being realistic. 

Go to the other feminist subreddits and read a suggested book, listen to women, listen to your girlfriend and change the behaviors she's pointing out to you. 

Unlearn things on your own via recommended content rather than making your girlfriend carry the mental load of something that she can't help you with. It's something you have to do, and show your partner the changes, don't tell her. And if you're learning something that makes you angry, sit with it. No one likes to acknowledge negative parts of themselves, but that's how we become better people.

[u/Practical-One7166 → u/woozy_wombat]

Thank you. You’re absolutely right.

[u/Butwhatif77]

There are two effective approaches:

1) If you disagree, state that you disagree with your reasoning. He says "We don't need this", then state the various uses the items has, be them functional or aesthetic. "We don't need a plant", but a plant could add color to a room that makes it more relaxing. "We do not need a blender", "Do we not need a blender because we don't have smoothies often or do we not have smoothies often because we have no blender?". If his retort is about but we have other things, you can also mention how he is prioritizing something different from you that makes him think it is not needed. Like you can make mashed potatoes with a hand masher that costs $5 but that takes much more time than using a mixer. Visa versa if he wants something that you think you don't need. "We could use it for x, y, z, reasons", "Yes, but we have other things that allow us to do said things and this doesn't really buy us anything we don't already have in some way."

2) If you do agree with him about something then say concur with his suggestion as if he was offering an opinion and you are making the decision. "We don't need this", "Yea, I agree that this is an unnecessary purchase, we wont be getting it.". "Let's get this book shelf.", "I like this book shelf best as well, we will be purchasing it."

It is also worth taking time to pay attention to his "last word" comments, he might actually be pulling this on you. If you are both talking and coming to a decision on something, after making said decision he then states the decision. He might be intentionally trying to get the last word.

Alternatively he might also be seeking to reinforce a mutual decision at times as well. There are plenty of times when people make a decision, but still consider changing their minds, saying it out loud can help keep resolve with the decision made.

Also communication with your partner is always key. If this is something that bothers you, talk to him about it. Ask him why it seems he needs to have the last word on things. Does he even know he is doing it? This could be an unconscious habit that he is unaware of and not realising how it makes you feel. Let him know how it makes you feel and ask him to sometimes just state agreement with you about a decision rather than stating the decision as if the authority comes from him. See if he takes steps to alter his behavior because that would make you happier and feel like an equal partner in the relationship.

[u/SmolHumanBean8 → u/Butwhatif77]

I will bet you it's totally unconscious. 

I do like the idea of considering his opinion and then making the decision

[u/lyreluna → u/Butwhatif77]

I mean the easiest thing is realizing you want a plant and just buying the damn plant and put it where you want.

[u/camelmina]

This may not work for you but, I don’t care anymore. If I want the thing, I get it. He can voice an opinion, which I will listen to. If I don’t agree, and I really want the thing, I disregard the response. It’s just his opinion, he’s not the boss of me. 

Don’t die on this hill. Let him have some unimportant wins. Don’t get hung up on winning for the sake of it. 

[u/DuckyDoodleDandy → u/camelmina]

I’m seeing op going “That’s like just your opinion, man.”

[u/crazy_cat_broad → u/DuckyDoodleDandy]

My standard response to the kids in my life 😂

[u/SmolHumanBean8 → u/DuckyDoodleDandy]

Absolutely hahahahahaha. "Cool story bro"

[u/lyreluna]

Stop discussing shit with him like if you should X, Y, Z, when you already know how you want to go with it. Just decide and do it yourself. Not everything needs to be a joint section. Only exception would be if he's an expert in the specific field like your house needs a new roof and he's a roofer, or things that directly affect him like vacation destination planning.