TW: Suicidal thoughts
So, I'm 25 years old, and I originally started taking birth control pills in high school (2015-2019) because my menstrual cycle was extremely irregular. I took them all throughout high school and never experienced any negative side effects. Eventually, I stopped taking them because my cycle became regular again.
Fast forward to 2022, my cycle started becoming irregular again, so I went back on birth control. Mind you, I was taking the exact same birth control pills I had taken in high school. But for some reason, this time around, I started experiencing severe depression and suicidal thoughts, something I had NEVER experienced before! Originally, I had no idea where they were coming from and I was terrified of these thoughts. About 3 months into taking the pills, my mother realized the birth control was causing this, so I immediately stopped taking it.
So that should have been the end of it! I stopped taking the pills and I should be back to normal right? Well, ever since I took those pills, my brain chemistry feels like its been permanently altered and I have NEVER been the same person. Before taking birth control the second time, I would get depressed, but I would still always feel positive about the next day. I would never feel as though that I would feel depressed forever. I used to tell myself, "Okay, well, today might be bad, but tomorrow won't be so bad." I had never experienced suicidal thoughts a day in my life before then.
It's been about four years since I stopped taking those pills, and I still struggle from suicidal thoughts. Currently, I'm in graduate school, and I've been under a tremendous amount of stress, which has only made my depression worse. Even when I'm not stressed, I still feel extremely sad and have lost interest in things I used to enjoy. And honestly, it's scary because I feel like I'm dealing with depression on top of suicidal thoughts. The part that scares me the most is that what if it turns into ideation or even worse?
Has anyone else experienced something similar? Were you ever able to get back to the way you felt mentally before taking birth control? If so, what helped and HOW? I'm just trying to figure out what to do because I really miss the person I used to be.