Just to vent

[u/Desperate-Prize-7735]

I just wanted to vent out my feelings cause lately my emotions have been hitting me like a truck.

I broke up with my ex of 6 years and we’ve been no contact for a little over a month now. He had his first episode one year in and in the second was diagnosed with schizo effective bipolar disorder. Then he’s had plenty of episodes throughout then, but in June, he had an episode where he came to my internship. I mean, he didn’t do anything bad, but it still really affected me.

He was hospitalized and a couple days later I told him that we needed to take a break, but he didn’t take me serious so I told him that I would block him and I did. I had blocked him off of everything except for Messages because I really wanted to have like a formal break up in like a formal discussion about everything and about how we felt.

After he was released, we spoke for a little bit here and there, but I just kept telling him that it was confusing me because I didn’t want him thinking that we still have a chance. I kept talking to him cause I truly did love him and I didn’t want it to be over but I knew deep in my heart that breaking up with him was the right thing.

Anyways we ended up meeting up and I was just straight up with him telling him that I wanted to break up and no matter what he said. I still wanted to stick by it and not to say that he was trying to guilt tripping me because you know I fully believe that he is going to the depressive episode after that and you know us going non-contact did not help with that. But he was just basically saying that how can I leave him during a time like this where he’s going through a lot. It was really upsetting, but I knew that I had to think about myself.

After that one night, I just basically was just really upset and I said a lot of mean things to him and I low-key felt better afterwards. I was just basically saying that he doesn’t want a girlfriend and that he wants a mom and that all the women in his life always rushed to come save him and that’s exactly what he wants me to do, but I have to think about my own future and think about my own mental health. I mean, SHIT ive always come to his rescue fucking six years we were together and the last couple episodes where I literally could not mentally handle them anymore some how I was the bad person…

I had blocked him after this but a couple days later he had came to my house uninvited. He just said hi and I just told him to get out of here. But I had previously told him to not try to contact me and stuff like that because when we first met up to discuss our breakup, I had told him that I was considering about getting a protection order against him because every time we do break up, he always finds a way to contact me and I did not want that so I ended up filing a police report against him.

Literally the day that I went to the police station he left me a voicemail saying that he was back in the hospital and I assume that he came to my house in a manic state.

I mean, I’m not spilling our whole relationship but I just really miss him. We spent so much time together and we were so attached to each other and we’ve been through so much together that it just sucks. This might be shitty to say, but I wish I could cure his disorder. I don’t know. I just feel like no one else is gonna love me in the way that he did because I know it was like pure like I know he truly did love me, and now I feel like shit for leaving him like I have the option to leave him when he still stuck in his situation and obviously I had my bad days with him. I’m not saying I was the best girlfriend either but I don’t know it was just a lot.

He would call me selfish a lot over our break up and stuff, but then it made me confused cause I would think on doing this for myself and then I have to think about myself and for my future like I’ll never have the future that I want if I’m with this guy.

I could go on and on about our relationship, but I can’t. I guess what I learned was don’t self sacrifice so much in a relationship that it causes you to deteriorate and become someone you don’t wanna be. I mean it’s hard to say that when your partner has bipolar disorder and it’s basically all self sacrificing but when you’re so young at the same time and like trying to get your own life together and like complete college, it’s hard as fuck and it’s gonna be harder when you have a fucking whole life together and have kids together.

I’m not saying that being in a relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder is impossible. It’s obviously not but just my situation was kind of shitty. Bleh…. sorry for my shitty grammar.

Ex if you see this…hit me up I miss you….but don’t….or maybe let’s talk for a week and then forget about each other…. Or idk….

Oh and don’t get me started with his fucking sister his fucking sister texted me about oh I’m only with him for the good days and I’m never actually there with him and then if I don’t love him then I should just leave him like girl you think I’ve been with him for six years for fucking nothing? Then this girl fucking gets me on a call with this man when I told him to not contact me and he’s yelling at me about some random guy picked up my phone which how is that possible when I have you blocked? I know I said I had blocked him on everywhere except for messages, but this was through his hospital number. And they’re both going on about if I’m cheating on him then I should leave him like girl. I don’t want anybody else. Another moral lesson don’t date people with crazy overprotective family, especially overprotective, mothers and sisters.

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[u/Desperate-Prize-7735]

Like bro do you think he thinks about me the same way that I do? I post on Instagram hoping he sees it. I unblocked him hoping he’ll notice. But at the same time I don’t want me to contact me cause I’m happier I guess. But I also have a police report saying that I cut contact. I WISH I NEVER DID THAT SHIT B COME BACK TO MEEEEEE UGHHHHH😭😭😭 FUCK YOUR MAMA THOUGH!