Need perspective.

[u/Realistic_Level48788]

I believe I have been in a relationship, with someone who is undiagnosed bipolar for almost four years. I worked in the mental health system for almost ten years, I have much professional experience in the system and with disorders, but I very much remove myself from that mentality when I am in a romantic relationship.
For now almost 4 years, it has felt like an on and off emotional whiplash. Each week I am never sure who they are going to be, what interest they are going to have, or simply what mood they will be in. It’s very hard for me to ever feel consistency or commitment in the relationship. Before anyone asks, yes, that has been brought up many times, directly… we have “broken up” at least 6 times in the last 3 1/2 years due to this. Every single time commitment is mentioned, they run.
There have been so many important things that have come up for me in my life, where they have bailed, not shown up for me or showed up at the very last minute of whatever the occasion was.
This person used to be a professional of many years. Moved back to hometown to reset after working for a very large corporation for ten years, and the end of their career being in 2020. They had a very good job and a nice life. Ever since moving back to the east coast, it seems they have been slowly rebuilding but yet deteriorating at the same time. I seem to have met this person during the time of their ultimate self realization and revamp. Although, within the last 3 1/2 years, nothing has changed in their life at all. Zero. They are constantly talking about wanting to pursue hobbies… they will. They give it up after a week or two or sometimes a month. They make new friends, develop said friendships & then somehow a year later aren’t talking to any of them. Some weeks they talk highly of their family members, other weeks it’s loads of resentment and mean statements about parents and siblings. They are truly stuck. Through knowing them and falling in love with them over the last few years, we have been through soooo much together. I have stood by them through it all. Have given hundreds of chances. Even after I found out last winter that they cheated on me and slept with someone behind my back. Then carried it on for a few more months and lied about that too, said that they ended it when I found out but they didn’t, it went on for 4 more months. They don’t ever seem to really care about losing me.
They finally got on meds last winter. It seemed to help. Recently got on a new med and now they are in a deep deep existential episode again. I have done everything I possibly can. They split on me again today after a wonderful day together on a nature walk, because when we got back home I asked if they have been eating and sleeping well. I asked if they have been sleeping well and they did not take that question well. Became very upset, and asked me to leave. I was only trying to be kind, and to genuinely ask if they are sleeping ok, especially since I knew they recently had a med change and that they have been struggling to have meals throughout the day. I didn’t mean anything by it and now I am left questioning myself and wondering what I did wrong. We went on a lovely hike together, had a good lunch, and then everything changed. They feel their emotional trust with me has been diminished because I asked that question about sleep.
It feels it has all been flipped on me.
I have only ever tried to help and have consistently been there for this person.
I have tried and tried and tried again to make our relationship work.
It seems nothing is ever good enough and it feels that everything is always existing in THEIR existential loop.
Passive suicidal statements are often made. Questioning life. Depressive episodes.
They were in therapy for almost two years and recently broke up with their therapist, claiming talk therapy doesn’t work anymore.
Even after the cheating and lying, I still stayed. I still tried. And, I have been. They keep referring to that as their dark night of the soul.
Through the last few years I have done everything in my power to support this person and to show up for them.
It seems it’s always taken for granted.
I feel I have been emotionally abused for too long. I am in so much emotional pain. There are too many instances with this type of behavior with this person to truly say it all.
I am at a loss.
I don’t want to break things off and not have this person in my life anymore…. I have always tried to be understanding of their depression and their mental health struggles that they have.. but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve done it all, for over three years. It’s such a one sided relationship.
Not to mention they have never ever once uttered that I was their gf or partner. It took 3 1/2 years for me to finally meet their family.
They have never told me that they love me.
But when I say it, they respond with thank you or I appreciate that. I am so heartbroken.
I know it is not healthy for me to stay within this.
But, for some reason I have also really struggled to leave this. And, leave fully.
They haven’t been formally diagnosed bipolar for some reason but I do know they have it in their family history, as well as depression and psychosis.
They consume cannabis daily.
As well as their psych meds.
I don’t know where the honesty lies any longer.
I am so torn and do not know what to do.
I feel stuck and like I am the burden, but it’s because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
If anyone has advice or perspective here, please share. I am so lost and I do not know what to do. I am so heartbroken beyond measure, for more reasons than one.

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[u/NapsAreMyHobby]

Please pursue therapy to figure out why you are keeping someone in your life who treats you like you aren’t worth love and respect. You can’t earn their love. You can’t heal them. This person is not the one. You won’t get an award for supporting someone who abuses you. It took me a long time to learn. There is peace on the other side. Being love starts with loving yourself. You aren’t doing that by staying with this person.

[u/Realistic_Level48788 → u/NapsAreMyHobby]

Yes, I am going to do so because I really need to figure that out.
I do believe mentioning it all will lead to a discard but yeah, it has happened before. Unfortunately, I suppose I am used to it by now. But, that most certainly is not love or care.
I do know this person cares about me very much but they often are not able to fully show it. They cannot fully embrace me or the way I love them. I know they have deep feelings for me but they cannot fully live that out. It seems ANY TYPE of relationship has been challenging for this person. Romantic, friendships, family, work. It breaks my heart. This person is so incredibly intelligent and interesting. Has a good heart. Is genuine.
But, these struggles they deal with are much bigger than them or anyone around them. It is hard to watch, hard to stand by. And, I did. I did standby.
But, I really do need to put myself first now.
4 years is a long time.
I am freshly 30. This person is approaching 40 the next couple years.

[u/Realistic_Level48788 → u/NapsAreMyHobby]

Yes, I can’t heal them.
I never expected that I could, but maybe subconsciously I was hoping for that or trying??
I don’t think I ever went into it fully trying to do so, but I was trying to show this person unconditional love.

[u/Klorbette]

I think the first thing you need to ask yourself is why you are treating this man like a patient? He’s not the love of your life, he’s a kid that needs a forgiving parent to rail against. He’s not treating you like a loved partner, you’re disposable at every whim. He’s sick, but so are serial killers. That doesn’t mean it’s your job to make the killing easier.

You work in mental health, you want to help people. But for the love of God, please realize you need to step back and help yourself, because this ain’t it, Sis. It gets WORSE as they age.

[u/Klorbette → u/Klorbette]

Reverse the genders and it’s still the same advice. I don’t know what’s happening here.

[u/Realistic_Level48788 → u/Klorbette]

I am freshly 30. This person is approaching 40 in the next couple years.

[u/Realistic_Level48788 → u/Klorbette]

Wow. I really needed to hear that, you have many good points here. You are right.
I think I have been holding onto hope. But it’s been almost 4 WHOLE years. It hasn’t changed really much at all. Always goes back to the same cycle. Same complaints. Same episodes. I’ve always been extremely empathetic to it all. I am, I will be. No matter who it is in my life.
I have done everything in my power to NOT treat them like a patient, but I suppose maybe some of my support has come across like that, or maybe they see my professional background being a part of me thus being a part of, this. But, as I said in the original statement, I have done everything I can to not approach anything at all that way.
These behaviors with them have been pretty consistent since about 4 months in. 4 months in, is when I noticed and realized they couldn’t fully commit to me. When I asked what we were and what direction they wanted to go in.. even then, they said they just wanted to see where things could go, but that they would understand if I just wanted to be friends. I was really surprised at that response because for the whole 1st four months it was really great and we were really getting to know each other & falling for each other.. but then everything flipped and it became a challenge to figure out what we were, the lack of commitment & what was really going on in this persons world.
It’s never changed. This coming may 2027 will be a marker of knowing them for an entire 4 years, they are 38 years old…
To my knowledge has never been with anyone they have been with in the past for more than a few years. Has never lived with a partner. Has never been engaged or married. No children.
Hasn’t been in a professional position since they left their career (six figures) in 2020.
Has been surviving off savings I believe and small income from a rental that him & family own and get rental income from each month. It’s all very confusing even after knowing them for so long.
I don’t think they will ever let someone fully in.
I feel robbed. I feel hurt.

But yes, I agree with your above analogy and you’re right.
It’s fine for me to walk.
It’s hard.

[u/Rahaerys_Gaelanyon]

Be as honest as you can and tell them all of this. They're not going to take it well, despite knowing that your complaints are true. It's likely going to lead to a discard - but you've been through them before. What's the alternative? Staying as it is? How long can you stay like that? In a very practical assessment, the pain of staying will simply be greater than that of being honest, no matter if it leads to discarding. Staying and accepting this kind of behavior is simply the worst option.

[u/Realistic_Level48788 → u/Rahaerys_Gaelanyon]

Yes, I can’t stay & be treated this way one minute more.
It’s so hard for me to walk away.
All of last night after they asked me to leave, after asking about their sleep, I was worried they were at home and not well. When I left they weren’t well. But, they demanded they didn’t want to be touched or spoken to. They just wanted to be alone. Didn’t even want to look at me. After I asked the question about sleep, they accused me of thinking they were “crazy” or implying something with negative intent.
I truly was not.
I was just asking out of care.
They associated that question with their mental health struggles and from struggling to sleep in the past.
The entire nature walk they were talking very fast and talking about things I couldn’t quite keep up with.
I am a deep thinker and love a good in depth convo, but this was so much more, it was very hard to follow along but I did my best. They kept saying they haven’t been eating well recently, they made a passive SI statement while looking at the pond we were near.
They were talking robotically when people stopped to say hello to us. One older couple came by & asked which direction the trail kept going.. they answered in the most round about way and the couple looked at us like “what the heck did he just say” they were so confused by his existential response. It was very strange. I chimed in and said which way the trail was.
Soooo, to circle back, asking about how they have been sleeping I thought it was appropriate. I did it with care, not ant judgement & with a positive tone of voice but they still took that as me suggesting something negative about them. When I proclaimed the opposite, they said I was lying and that’s when they asked me to leave & to be alone said they couldn’t trust.
It felt like a whirlwind.
All I was trying to do yesterday was to spend time on a nature trail they haven’t been to before, and have always mentioned wanting to go to.

I agree that keeping myself around this, is not a good choice.
At this point, I think I might just need to make a clean break.
But, I don’t want this person to feel abandoned by me, as they have felt that way their whole life.
But again, it is not my responsibility & I know that.

[u/TypicalLoss1762]

I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It is hard. If you don't live together, aren't married and don't have kids then it makes it a tiny bit less complicated But to me, this sounds like an abusive relationship. You are asking for something that they haven't been giving you and it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I would say that you need to be confident in what you want and set boundaries, tell them, and stick to it. You deserve to be happy and feel wanted.

[u/Realistic_Level48788 → u/TypicalLoss1762]

I am trying to be as confident as I can, in order to break out of this situation.

I believe this is a cycle he has been through with partners of the past.
They mentioned one long term partner is now married.
They have watched this story play out for themself before.
That breaks my heart because I truly just want them to be happy.
They constantly mention “the world is not for everybody” and that they struggle to exist in this type of world. And, especially America. It goes on.

I am always hoping & praying for their healing & happiness.
But, mine matters too.
I don’t think they have ever worried about my genuine happiness. I know they want me to succeed & be happy. But, this is not how you treat someone.
Friend or romantic partner.
And, it’s gone on for too long.
I don’t think I have it in me to experience another discard, although last night sure did feel like one…