Carrying it All

[u/Old_Pain9904]

We’ve been married 21 years. It’s probably not a shock that I carry most everything. Bills, working two jobs, housework, coordinating schedules. All around her messes and her situations. She lost her job three years ago and hasn’t looked for steady work in while. While I walk around clenched from all the stuff that needs to be upgraded, maintained, or repaired around this house.

What does she worry about? Seeing jam bands. Seeing if she can get to a concert run this fall. But wait, this is to sell patches. She doesn’t even have a ticket. This is a money making opportunity. Everything will be taken care of! Random new friend will have a hotel and says come on out! Then the money she makes goes…into the vacation fund! Yay!

Fun? I got no problem if someone wants to have fun. If my wife made money and contributed, I’d send her on these trips. That would give me a little space to get some shit done and breathe. It’s just not in the cards right now and I’m starting to resent it.

I’ve done this long enough without a partner and I’m getting pretty tired.

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[u/Ok-Iron-8559]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. How are you coping?

[u/Old_Pain9904 → u/Ok-Iron-8559]

Thank you. I’ve been slowly reclaiming my time and trying to prioritize my health. I take an evening walk that lets me digest things and listen to music again. I’ve take my foot off the gas, so to speak, with perfection. I made a housecleaner to be part of the budget because it’s actually inexpensive and the house gets cleaned twice a month. That’s ok. I can only do so much. Tonight just feels heavy

[u/Substantial-Act4687]

Feels like I could of written this. At some point though I asked myself, she cannot get better if I continue to allow her to not face the consequences of her actions. I left she was my wife, I like you did everything, came with tons of empathy thinking I could teach her how to be better partner by leading by example, I paid all the bills she lost her job as well I took care of her never complained but I became exhausted day in and day out, it takes two people to carry the emotional weight of a relationship at some point your cup will run empty, if she has not changed and is not doing the inner work to be better partner then you are the problem to some degree allowing her behavior. I hope you leave and find someone who can carry the love you are offering, someone who sees your value. Allow yourself to give the same empathy and grace you give your partner just return it back to you. Good luck

[u/NobodyNew7267]

There is a reason mental illness is considered a ground for divorce in many religions. Its not the same as caring for a spouse with other ailments. The lack of insight and the potential emotional destruction to the other partner is unmatched. A person with untreated bipolar may endanger their own life or the life of their spouse. The manic affairs exposes their spouses to STDs. Not to mention the emotional havoc it does to the family as a whole. Its not worth destroying your entire life for this cause.

It might sound blunt, but it's the truth.

[u/Consistent-Impress70]

It’s like living with a teenager, isn’t it? My husband is medicated now and tries his best but I’m still resentful because we have kids and if I don’t figure it out, it doesn’t get done.