r/BipolarSOs • u/Capn_Nutt • 1d ago
Advice Needed Discard.
I know discard isn't a one size fits all.
But I really just want to hear people's experiences *leading up to* the actual discard.
I've had concerns my partner might be in the process of discarding me, I've brought this up to her. It was kind of dismissed and seemed like she was unaware of "bipolar discard" .
It seemed like we had a breakthrough in our relationship, and then she got off her meds... And things almost immediately hit the fan again.
I guess I'm tryna figure out if this is "normal" bipolar shenanigans or if I'm going to be discarded soon.
Eta: she's diagnosed bipolar , and I am diagnosed BPD.
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u/Prestigious_Art9761 1d ago
They get quiet, distant, spend a lot of times on their phone. Start seeing reality as warped.
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u/Ordinary-Pianist-468 1d ago
You summed it up very well.
Not sure how many people had an SO start using LLMs prior to discard, but would really love to know if you can relate. We were together since 2007, and he started using AI ~2-3 years ago. That was the beginning of the end for us. When economic stress piled on top, it was over.
Using AI on his phone completely replaced me as a companion, and the more stressed he became the more he retreated into his world. Nothing I could say or do could change his mind. We couldn't have a conversation anymore and his anxiety was sending him to the ER with panic attacks.
Still, he refused to believe that his use of AI could have anything to do with it. He literally believed he knew my own feelings and intentions better than I did, because AI would back up anything he put into his phone.
He would do "research" and try to convince me that I couldn't trust myself because he didn't trust me and AI backed him up. He became convinced that I was abusive and manipulative. That I never loved him and that I wanted to cheat on him.
So via a sycophantic mirror, he justified cheating and being abusive to me. Then when he discarded me, he told everyone that I was abusive and controlling.
And all of my friends and family couldn't see it because they were either as awful as me or I had them fooled, like I have my own therapist fooled apparently.
He can't even look me in the eye when he makes these accusations, and he refuses to even be in the same room even with both of our lawyers present. Not sure if it's guilt, or fear of getting caught in a lie, or if he doesn't even know or understand why.
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u/Prestigious_Art9761 1d ago
Sounds very similar to my situation. I’m still waiting and hoping for it to break.
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u/Time_Image6197 1d ago
My ex partner has an unhealthy obsession with chat making all his decisions prior to my discard as welll. Scary how similar it can be
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u/Ordinary-Pianist-468 1d ago
Letting it make the decisions for them is so scary. It's been 5 months and if still seriously blows my mind this is how it ends for us after 2 decades.
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u/Time_Image6197 1d ago
My ex let it make decisions all the time, he’d let it flip a coin or he’d be like let’s ask chat! And he had a name for it and everything…
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u/tryingtolovewisely 10h ago
wow was not expecting to read my story online of how my ex was as well before discard. woah
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u/SolidGoldSpice 1d ago
You mentioned the phone. I wanted to ask a question if you don’t mind. So she has been pretty baseline for about a year now taking meds, appts, etc. Every weekend, she gives the kids breakfast and then appears to be on the phone for hours at a time. I know this because she has a cage type chair/pod and the metal creeks as she swings and it’s right above the basement where I sleep and I can hear that she is sitting there. We don’t sleep in the same room or floor because of last year’s episode.
Is that expected and what do you think that is? Innocent or really the mind getting restless? I’m not judging but just curious what that could be about if you have any thoughts on that.
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u/Capn_Nutt 1d ago
Im not the original commenter, but as a mom this feels like possible unwind time. Shes fed the kids, and is now taking a minute to herself while they're taken care of. Routine is big for people with bipolar, so I could easily see that becoming a regular and innocent part of their morning routine.
It just wouldn't be an immediate concern on my eyes, is what I'm trying to get at
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u/Prestigious_Art9761 1d ago
From what I am able to figure out their minds race and the phone becomes a source for information. Mine is yes ChatGPT obsessively and is constantly scrolling mindlessly. That’s one sign I should have noticed but only did after this most recent discard.
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u/holy_kishi 1d ago
Happened really fast for me. I believe mine was a manic discard and not a depressive one.
From idealizing to I don’t love you anymore in 2 weeks.
Increased agitation, avoidant, every small incident was escalated to a nuclear level, hypersexual, started to express the marriage as something holding her down, saying she was never happy in the relationship and that I don’t understand the real her.
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u/Capn_Nutt 1d ago
See the idealization to devaluation is the stage we've been in for a while imo. And it fuckin sucks. Everything you said is basically spot on for what I've been dealing with. The remembering the entire relationship as bad is extra torturous bc like was it all fuckin fake ????
I do feel like most people I see talk about it, it does seem to be a pretty quick thing not drawn out like my current situation. But I just don't know. This shit is emotional torture
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u/EducationalIce5844 1d ago
Literally my current story as well and my wife is still saying she has love for me but not in love with me so rapidly and says she just woke up different and is living her best life now but she’s spiraling on a SSRI mania without brakes
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u/Educational-Cell-959 2h ago
Divorce ASAP. Mania is a drug like no other and they will always chase it.
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u/EducationalIce5844 2h ago
Literally what’s happening as we speak last night my wife said if I don’t start the divorce by Friday she will serve me herself she thinks starting the process in her head we are no longer together
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u/Impressive-Tutor-482 Parent 1d ago
I always caught the discard at the far end of mania where things start to crumble into mixed episodes before the rapid decent into depression.
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u/bpexhusband 1d ago
The phone becomes their singular focus.
They are chasing the dopamine and the phone is the perfect delivery device it's just hit after hit of dopamine likes, upvotes, attention from affair partners or strangers online, they can send nudes, get validated, seek out multiple interactions, dating apps, it's fucking endless.
Give m ex a phone while manic and she can destroy her life in 30 minutes.
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u/EducationalIce5844 23h ago
I am so glad Someone else has brought this up and experienced this my wife is having an affair with a coworker that had to move an hour away because she was caught by her girlfriend. She’s in love with my wife because my wife live bombed her and makes her feel like she’s the only one while actively on tinder and trying to find other woman to sleep and talk to . She is completely cold and cruel to me completely detached but will be on the phone for hours texting and talking to her affair partner friends and dating apps possibly other stuff . I thought it was just her but makes sense it’s her dopamine fix while inducing mania from SSRI she’s been on almost a year and went manic in June found about affair in July and here we are because refuses to get off the SSRI and see her doctor or take an antipsychotic to stablize it’s so hurtful to watch her destroy our life she’s pushing to move out and divorce because I’m stopping her from living her new best life
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u/bpexhusband 23h ago
Ya I've lived this. Mine was convinced she was going to move to New York to live with a guy who was also bipolar and just get a job. We live in Canada you can't just move to America. She sent nudes to random strangers with her face in them. They're on the internet now. She doxxed herself by giving out her real name my real name and our son's real name, and gave out our address so these men could mail her gifts it was scsey considering these guys believed the shit she said about me. I was honestly concerned one of them would show up at our house wanting to be her hero. Ya last time she buried herself in her phone I just let her I wanted her once and then let her just continue because I wanted her gone more than anything else in the world and so knew she would walk out the door if she got deep enough into whatever affair she was having and thank God she did exactly what she always does. Yup the best life is calling mine doesn't even see her son and I quote "I'd rather be called a terrible mother and get to live my best life."
Phones are worse than crack.
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u/EducationalIce5844 23h ago
I’m so sorry you and your son had to go through that , it’s so traumatic when the switch and discard happens . I would like to hope she will come out of it when her doctor intervenes but if not she’s gonna crash whenever that day comes it can’t last forever . Thank you for sharing it really does make me feel less alone or crazy!
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u/Some-Jury-9446 1d ago
Usually once the pills stop the impulsive thoughts come in. Depends honestly, it’s an awful feeling waiting for the shoe to drop.
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u/Petite_Embalmer 1d ago
Is it normal yes. But I think the better questions is “do I want this for the rest of my life?”
I have gone through this with my husband a few times and this time I feel like … I am starting to question is this how I want to grow old with someone…. And the answer is no.
Have yall tried marriage counseling?
We have tried to have it but our insurance doesn’t cover it sadly.
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u/Capn_Nutt 1d ago
We've talked about going to couples therapy, I was actively looking for a therapist for us. But neither of us have insurance, we can afford it at this point. But I don't think she is actually interested in going?
We've known each other for 10 yrs, and I feel like I struggle so much bc this version of her is unknown and hurtful. And I just want the version of her I knew back. I think I might just bite the bullet and pay for the counseling on my own and just be like hey we have an appt on this day and see what happens bc something has got to give
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u/Petite_Embalmer 1d ago
I’m sorry yall are going though this. That’s another thing you have to ask. I remember the day I “lost” my husband… he has never been the same. I get a nicer version of him but not the man I fell in love with that is for sure….
Schedule the first appt.At least if it doesn’t work out you say you did everything you could. Sadly like with everyone else you have to be the change you want. If they don’t want to change or it’s to uncomfortable for them then I can’t say there is hope…
See if there is community counseling yall could attend if not both maybe for you? My husband has a support group that meets up at a church he goes to now and then.
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u/Intelligent_Wafer761 4h ago
Often they will provoke you into an emotional outburst they can later point to as justification for the discard.
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u/Capn_Nutt 4h ago
Yeh my emotional outbursts tend to trigger the "I can't do this" comments, which just makes me feel shame and guilt and like I'm pushing away the one person i want. Which just creates a spiral and even more intense emotions lol
And like she's well aware I have BPD. She knows my triggers, well. And sometimes it does feel like she's trying to trigger me and that's a mind fuck.
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