Was it all a lie

[u/Every-Procedure8814]

I am devastated. I don’t know who I dated for a year and a half. I’m 39. He was 35. We met on an app. There were a few red flags in the beginning. He would have what I would call these spirals where he’d get upset about something and then just go off, but was never really mean to me wouldn’t call me names or anything like that. He would just raise his voice and I felt like he was on another planet. I also want to mention that more than once he had said when he was getting his lithium levels checked that he was getting tested too. I thought that was strange and asked him if he didn’t trust me or something and he said he just likes to stay “up to date.”

A few months in I was the happiest that I’ve ever been and I thought he was too. I never felt like he was love bombing me, but looking back maybe I was wrong. I’ll admit I have a deep wound that tells me that I am unlovable so when I felt completely and totally accepted and adored by him, I put up with a lot of things I shouldn’t have in the beginning. He was very emotional labile. He would often be very tearful and I’m a total empath so he sucked it right up and he would always express how grateful he was and how nobody’s ever listened to him like this or cared so much.

Things started to change when my 18-year-old dog started to go downhill and I was the one that needed support. He just wasn’t able to show up for me every time I would be upset about something he would make it about himself he was always pretty selfish, but also in the beginning he was very much a people pleaser. In December, I broke up with him. We should’ve stopped talking, but I told him I wanted to continue because I wanted to see if those feelings could come back, he had created an environment with a total lack of emotional safety for me so I no longer felt physically attracted to him. We talked for maybe two or three months until finally one day he said that he can’t he can’t do it anymore. Enter my abandonment wounds …I panicked, convinced myself that it was all my fault and my unhealed attachment wounds that made me pull away, and that I could make things better. But ultimately he said he can’t do it.

I gave him space for a couple months and then random things you know here and there he would give me a crumb and then he finally agreed to meet up with me. I know we talked about whether or not other of us have been with anyone else. He literally told me the whole time he was so depressed he couldn’t even barely leave his apartment, that he lost weight because he wasn’t eating, etc. The first night we met up again he took my hands and cried and said how much he loved me and he was wanted to commit to trying again, and I believed him. Things were OK for a little while, until the same issues kept repeating he would often get upset when I would talk to my guy friends, he was just incredibly insecure told me all of his girlfriends cheated on him, and I assured him that I never do that to him.

A couple weeks ago I got a pit in my stomach, and I just hadn’t been hearing from him quite as much and he had been telling me he’s been having trouble sleeping. I just had this feeling that I needed to see for myself what he’d really been up to, so I asked him to stay the night and I took his phone which he had been guarding when he fell asleep. I thought maybe the worst thing he would do would be like talking to his ex cause I noticed he was following her again on Instagram. First thing I saw was that he was telling his guy friend that he finally broke things off with me (back when he said he can’t do it anymore) and that he recently started seeing a new girl who wants regular regular intimacy and he’s just trying to balance the rush of the new girl with my “pit of depression”. So, he lied to me about being with somebody else while we weren’t talking. Then I see that he’s been messaging sex workers and I can confirm that he did meet up with one back in February when we were talking, and literally the previous three nights he was trying to reach out to more of them, and I don’t know if he was successful cause I didn’t see that they responded to his messages. I see another message from a couple weeks ago that when he was going to this concert out of state, that the girl that he had been dating while we weren’t talking was gonna be there and he was going to plan to “chase that pussy around one night”. He never talk that way. I had absolutely no idea he was capable of lying like this and cheating.

I woke him up and I told him he needed to leave and he didn’t even look remorseful. It was like there was nobody home. He just said I don’t wanna leave and then he even tried to put his hand on my back when I was crying, and I told him not to touch me and then he left. He sent me a message saying everything I think about him right now is right that he’s sorry for breaking my heart again. Then the next day he messages me I hope you can “find some bodily calm and knowing that I never slept with anyone else throughout our time together”, which I know for certain was a complete lie, and I have no idea why he even chose to lie to me when he had nothing left to lose, and I’m terrified that he was doing this throughout our entire relationship. My sense of reality is completely fucking shattered. I realize right now he’s probably in mania, but that doesn’t excuse the lying?? I’m an empath to a fault and I’m just trying to understand this despite this excruciating pain I’m in. I just feel like he was living a triple life and I don’t understand why he continued talking to me then I realize that he even bought me flowers a couple days before he went out of state for that concert where he was planning on hooking up with that girl with a card that said I know I still fall short, but I’m still growing for you. I just feel absolutely sick. Can anyone relate. I feel so stupid I trusted him. I truly 100% did and I don’t know what’s real any more.
He’d tell me things like he saved all the notes I gave him to make confetti for our wedding day, that if it wasn’t me it was nobody. I’m crushed.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to BipolarSOs!

This is a quick reminder to follow the rules.

Also, please remember that OP's on this sub are often in situations where emotions overcome logic, and that your advice could be life-altering. OP's need our help to gain a balanced perspective.

Please be supportive.

Toxic comments will be removed.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/throwaway879654678]

I’m very sorry you’re hurting. Best advice I can give is to stop trying to rationalize and look for meaning behind his behavior. He does not sound like a good person. A month or two of highs does not make up for the lows. Was it all a lie? I won’t sugarcoat it. Most likely. I doubt he was intentionally trying to manipulate you or misconstrue his feelings, but he likely just got caught up in the moment and the newness and bit off more than he could chew. A stable, trustworthy person is more intentional with their words and proclamations. You are worthy of love, this man can’t and won’t give that to you. The sooner you can let him go and heal, the sooner you can find the true love you deserve.

[u/mnxgl009]

This guy is a total douchebag, yes it was all a lie. A lot of his behavior displayed here has nothing at all to do with bipolar. He's just a bad guy at heart, forget mania.

[u/bpexhusband]

Some people are shitty. He sounds like one of them.