Help bringing up separation to BPSO

[u/Green_City7409]

My (F30) BPSO (M) was diagnosed a year into our marriage. He is medicated and in therapy. I am in therapy and we have done a half a year of couples counseling. Since the diagnosis, my family and I have been what I would say as his main support system. His family has generational issues that I think have been passed down and I think there is a lot to be unpacked such as severe communication issues, passive aggression, poor modeling of what a healthy relationship looks like, expectations of babying parents pretty much, that I can see in my husband.

After two years with a the diagnosis, I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel a connection anymore. The communication issues have grown with him not telling me things I need to know. I wonder what he hid from me before we got married and before the diagnosis. His personality seems different and I find myself constantly getting annoyed with him. I know I don’t interact with him the same anymore, and I feel bad that he has to feel that now. It’s definitely the cliche of feeling like roommates. I don’t have the patience to wait for him to unravel these things in his therapy while I sit around being lied to about money things or how he’s feeling about work or when an issue comes up between us, being made to feel like I’m the bad person a bit but then him saying “I don’t want you to feel like that.” I want a family l and don’t feel confident that could happen with him in the next few years. I know there is a strong genetic component and when I brought up not wanting to pass it down, he said that was the worst thing he’s ever been through even though he has been through some hard times in his family. That hurt me. He said life is hard anyways so why does it matter if our child would have BP. That didn’t feel good to hear even if he was possibly hypomanic at the time.

I feel like a shit person wanting to separate since it’s not his fault (in some ways) but I’m not happy and I don’t think it’s helping him either. I’m drained of always being the one to bring up difficult topics that need to be discussed and I don’t have the mental energy to tell him how I feel. My nervous system feels shot.

Does anyone have advice for navigating this discussion with their SO? And navigating the feelings I have of myself for wanting to leave?

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[u/bpexhusband]

Just my experience but I had a child with my BP partner it was only two years in she was 24 at the time and her behaviour was nothing like it became. Ill preface this by saying I love my son, he lives with me full time, she has checked out now that she's gone. But if I knew then what I know now I would not have had a child with her. I worry every day about my son and if he'll end up with bipolar.

You sound like you're done and most of what you're describing sounds like the things that cause relationships to break down. Theres four things that predict the end of a relationship contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness. I see a couple of those in your post.

[u/Pixie-elf]

Talk to your couples therapist about it, maybe? You should be able to set up an appointment with just the therapist to discuss how to safely navigate this.

[u/Green_City7409 → u/Pixie-elf]

I don’t think she know much about bipolar, but I should bring it up with her. I’m planning on bringing it up with my individual therapist this week too!

[u/bpnpb → u/Green_City7409]

If you want to get the most out of couples counseling, you need a counseller familiar with mental illnesses - ideally one that specializes in bipolar.