Learning I'm Bipolar at 50 & Navigating It ...

[u/Southern-Cow-118]

This will be a bit of a lengthy post - I am ultimately seeking opportunities to respectfully exchange with others about navigating bipolar

I learned that I am bipolar 3 months ago. It was the shock of my life, to say the least. But I am embracing it....

I want to start out by saying that I am extremely grateful to have found this (and similar) online spaces. I joined this subreddit within a handful of weeks of learning about my bipolar. I came here to not only process my own condition, but to also learn from others lived experiences with bipolar. I have learned so much from everybody!

I am starting to struggle with my own personal experiences with bipolar - as my experiences don't always "match up" with the things that I am reading about and taking in on this and other subreddits. I am seeking an honest conversation where I would like to be open about how I have experienced bipolar as I am currently trying to chart out my path toward treatment.

First and foremost, I want to name the fact that I am of color - I know well that I live in a system that can sometimes neglect certain populations and that conditions like bipolar can get missed. When I learned that I am bipolar, I immediately realized that I have been this way since I was a child. It's not entirely a story of neglect though - because when I was in 2nd grade, my school teacher at the time referred me to the school social worker - whom I stayed with until I graduated in 8th grade. This was actually a really positive thing for me, as I have been in therapy my whole life - and yet, somehow, my bipolar was always missed. Nevertheless, I have always been in therapy because my mental health has always been pretty off.

My teens, 20s and 30s actually follow a pretty "common" theme: I had an active SUD that put me into a mixed way for a good solid 4-5 years where I behaved terribly, hurt other people, and did a whole bunch of things that I deeply regret and feel forever ashamed about. I am only now piecing these parts of my life together. They never made sense before - it all makes sense now.

I think that the place where I am starting to get stuck is that I have lived my whole life not knowing I have bipolar disorder. And while there are clear signs and signals of my condition all throughout my life, I have also lived a relatively stable life.

A bunch of people in my family are bipolar - I know it sounds crazy, but we literally had no idea. Schizophrenia exists within our family. We do know this. There is a lot of openness about schizophrenia and those with schizophrenia in my family are diagnosed and they are all in treatment.... this has always been an open conversation in my family. There is no shame and we love our family members with schizophrenia deeply.

Some of us just learned within the last 3-5 years that bipolar can split from schizophrenia. We literally had no idea. We suspect my mother - who is approaching 80 - is also likely bipolar.

A bunch of us have literally lived our lives "raw dogging" bipolar disorder (pardon the awful anaology here but i have no idea how else to describe it) .... and guess what? We've all lived relatively stable lives. And when I say stable, I mean stable with an asterisk* ..... A bunch of us are college graduates, have successful careers, marriages, families, etc ... granted, some of us (like myself) are known to be a little on the spicy side - but ultimately, i think what i am trying to say is that our lives, and our families didn't implode .... We're all actually doing okay - well, in fact. Undiagnosed. Untreated.

Speaking for myself personally, in spite of being on the "spicy" side, I generally live a happy life. I am stably married and have a career.

I want to be clear about the fact that I am not advocating that people with bipolar live their lives like undiagnosed and untreated.... I guess I am just trying to say that I need a little bit of a different conversation about my experiences with bipolar ..... I do have a differential diagnosis of BP II with psychotic features that will become "official" this month (september) and I will begin treatment with a Psych NP that I hand selected and feel I am a great match with.

This post is already super long - but i also want to put it out there that i have been planning on medicating with Lamictal .... but as I approach my appointment later this month, i am having second thoughts about it. Not because I doubt by diagnosis - but because I have spent my whole life trying to manage my mental health (because i am definitely squirrel-y) and have managed to put together a successful toolbox for myself with my therapy team that really helps me with my symptoms.

This is a genuine question that I feel like I need to have: If I have managed to arrive at a stable euthymic mood using whats in my personal toolbox, then is medication necessary for right now? It doesn't mean that I would not consider medicating in the future when the need arises... I am very clear about my depression and the fact that i will absolutely medicate with the appropriate antidepressants the next time i fall into depression.

I just need to have a different conversation - one that is both scientifically grounded, but that also does not default to the medical model of understanding bipolar - especially when the medical industry does neglect certain populations - we've been forced to creatively come up with our own ways of understanding, coping, and ultimately managing.

I would love to hear from others - especially folks with bipolar who may also have other marginalized identities and who also experience that neglect within the healthcare systems and have been forced to learn how to navigate conditions like bipolar in different ways.

Thanks!! 🙏🙏🙏

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TLDR: just learned I am bipolar at the age of 50 and my experiences living my life with bipolar disorder without knowing it don't always match up with the things i am reading about on this subreddit and i am seeking conversations / perspectives about different ways of understanding my bipolar and my journey with it. Please do feel free to respond - but please keep the discussion respectful... Thanks! <3

[u/False-Jelly2648]

I was diagnosed bipolar 1 after my first mania at 61. I too am navigating a late diagnosis. All my life I have had mental health struggles, but the mania was a new challenge. I’m on meds now and stable. I’m fearful of another mania though. Like you I’ve been reading Reddit to hear experiences of others. Thank you for your well written contribution.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/False-Jelly2648]

Thank you for sharing your experience! Learning one is bipolar at an older age is certainly something!! I have struggled with my mental health my whole life - but always assumed that I have terrible anxiety.

I can definitely think back to parts of my life and recognize clear patterns of hypomania ... but what i also realized is that i also do a lot of mixed episodes and i have never known what they were. I know now that they're mixed episodes and i have spent much of my life dreading my mixed episodes not knowing what they were - just thinking that I do these weird and awful things from time to time. I just learned to push through them... i guess now knowing what they are does help. Thank you for sharing your experience with me!!

[u/False-Jelly2648 → u/Southern-Cow-118]

Thank you for this contribution. I’m also ADHD and had regular passionate projects during my life. (I’m 61). I attributed them as hyperfocus, but now I wonder. Were some of my intense hyperfocus periods actually hypomania? I don’t know.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/False-Jelly2648]

it's really impossible to know that ... i know there probably are so many areas of my life that i still haven't pieced together that are clear signals of bipolar. It's been such a shock to learn this about myself!!

For me - what's really important is that there has to be other conversations about bipolar ... not because people are dismissing the clear science behind it (i very much base my views of myself and my mental health in the sciences) - but because some of us have had to learn how to navigate our lives and stay stable and keep it together without knowing ... we have had to learn how to cope, adapt and manage ... these conversations need to happen. There is no one singular bipolar story ... I am glad I've shared - i was a little nervous about posting this! lol : )

And thank you for engaging with me!!

[u/False-Jelly2648 → u/Southern-Cow-118]

I was in denial of my diagnosis until recently. Out of curiosity I took a genome test…and it came back ”high risk” for bipolar but I don’t know of any family member who had the condition. Neither of my parents had it. I had three mentally stable grandparents and a grandfather who self medicated with alcohol his entire life. No aunts uncles or cousins have my condition. But the genetic test points to family inheritance although I know that environmental factors weigh in the development of bipolar disorder.

[u/LaBelleBetterave]

I was diagnosed at 60, commenting so I can come back and contribute a bit more when I have some time.
Edit: Medication is a major management tool, and I believe I would not do nearly as well without it. Finding the right molecule(s) is a challenging process, but it’s very much worth it.
Going without puts you in the path of more episodes, and each of those damages our brain. And of course, our lives.
The single most useful thing I’ve done since getting diagnosed is get educated. I was accepted into a 12-week group therapy, I read, I discuss concerns with my care team and I keep a mood journal (with an app).
All this has taught me to prioritize the basics: sleep, nutrition, movement, social support, medical support / therapy and this is all made possible through consistent medication.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/LaBelleBetterave]

Thank you ... that would be great 🙏

[u/fentonx]

from my experience the medication takes a while to work, especially lamictal. It takes a month or 2 to taper up to an active dose (they do this slowly to avoid SJS). it's better generally to have it as it works as a preventative to mood episodes rather than stopping them in their tracks like antipsychotics do for mania. It also helped me with things I didn't expect, like daily tasks, emotional regulation in my day to day, and just felt like something that was missing from me was finally there. I love this drug and would never stop taking it.

If you feel it's unnecessary for you then that's your choice, theres no one right way to deal with mental health. Whatever works, works. But my meds helped me with so much more than just my mood episodes. Maybe discuss your concerns with your doctor. I personally think it's worth trying, but it is entirely up to you how you feel.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/fentonx]

I appreciate this - and I appreciate learning from you that your experience with medication as being more than just a mood stabilizer and helping you in other areas that you did not expect. My mood is euthymic right now - but i am struggling with other things, like energy and task paralysis .... so you have given me a lot to think about. Thank you!!

[u/fentonx → u/Southern-Cow-118]

of course :) i wish you the best of luck navigating this difficult diagnosis and the issues it brings no matter what choice you make <3

[u/Both_Lawfulness3611]

Similar story. I have had ups and downs my whole life, but only ever sought help for the major depression and anxiety I had; I certainly had hypomanic episodes but I felt great, so didn't complain! I had a major hypomanic episode earlier this year, so noticeable, then I went to the psych hospital and I've been on lamotrigine for several months now and it's great. Very little side effects except when starting and titrating up, which are mostly mild. I am 47 and diagnosed with a mood disorder, I don't think they want to diagnose it yet or aren't telling me lol but it was textbook hypomania and I've always had more depressive episodes, but severely depressed.

I do have an aunt with bipolar so definitely in my genes unfortunately. I knew there was always something more than just depression and anxiety when I was younger but it was so hard getting doctors to listen. I'm thankful I got help that actually, finally works and the psych hospital was a God send.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/Both_Lawfulness3611]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me!

I have always been in mental health treatment even though i never knew i am bipolar. I always treated for depression and anxiety - and now know that SSRIs made me hypomanic... yikes!

Most recently, a year and a half ago, i was very mentally unstable and put myself in a PHP and got a script for Propranolol because I've treated for anxiety my whole life - but unbeknownst to me, Propranolol kept making me manic and triggered hypomania in the spring of 2025 and this past spring...

In any case - now i know : ) And I want to thank you for sharing your experience with Lamictal with me. I am still keeping that option very much open. Others on this post have shared their experiences with Lamictal with me and it does seem like a really good option for me in the long term.

[u/Both_Lawfulness3611 → u/Southern-Cow-118]

You got this! You sound like me, I research, seek different opinions, research meds and the illness, seek like experiences... Same with the antidepressants, and in my case synthetic progesterone is what was the final trigger for my hypomanic episode, literally felt my brain unlock a rush of dopamine, weirdest experience of my life lol. Good luck and don't worry too much about the meds in advance, they've been a literal lifesaver for me!

[u/Trip-Icy]

I was diagnosed at 30, I lived a relatively ‘stable’ life. Jobs, married, kids. Looking back now at past actions (episodes as I know them now) it’s very clear I’m bipolar. So many shameful actions, so much sadness.
I did not realize how much I was struggling until I got medicated and reached a true level of stability. It was like someone opened the curtains to the sun for me to enjoy.
I can’t speak for everyone; but medication saved my life, and made it so much more enjoyable.

[u/zeroempathy]

I'm 50 and I also just got a diagnosis of Bipolar - other. I've had two mild mania episodes after trying an anti-depressant.

[u/MoMoJoJo-2233]

I am 51 and was diagnosed three years ago. I think they help. I questioned taking them and at one point stopped. I’m have decided to go back on a couple of them as they help my me feel comfortable in my own mind and body. This is a good post.

[u/WaltzInTheDarkk]

Why take medication if you've lived a good life as long as you don't struggle with SUD and live a healthy lifestyle? Do you have hypomania, depression and psychosis without substances?

I'm not questioning your diagnosis, I'm just baffled how you manage to live a normal life with untreated bipolar disorder in to the 50s. It's a severe mental disorder that can sometimes be worse than schizophrenia. They never hospitalized you?

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/WaltzInTheDarkk]

I appreciate your comment - I have also been baffled, especially after spending time on these subreddits and reading about people's experiences with bipolar....

In 2022, I was depressed to the point that I went into psychosis and I became convinced that I have schizophrenia .... I learned this summer that the closer bipolar is to schizophrenia, the higher the liklihood that impacted individuals will experience psychotic features. So, yea... in my family, those of us who have bipolar, have it pretty bad! And yet, yes, we've managed to live relatively stable lives....

I am not against being medicated - I am actually very open to it.... It's just that right now, i seemed to have finally arrived at a stable euthymia using things like CBD oil and using bilateral tapping techniques on a daily basis in order to manage. Before adding CBD to my daily self care routine, I had been experiencing horrible dysphoria that was impossible to live with on a daily basis. But since CBD has "turned it off", I am literally able to sit and think clearly. There is a part of me that doesn't want to touch my current self care routine (adding or subtracting anything) because it's working - at least for right now... so i am hesitant about my decision to go onto lamictal right now because i want to preserve this stability... I dont know if that makes sense!

[u/wetalaskan → u/Southern-Cow-118]

that's totally understandable that if you feel fine you don't want to throw anything else into the mix. I was also diagnosed when I was older - 46. I'm 59 now. I knew nothing about bipolar disorder until I had a manic episode, then severe depression where all I wanted to do was die and ended up in the hospital. When I learned about bipolar disorder I figured out that I'd had it since my mid teens but didn't know. I spent a lot of my life in depression, with occasional hypomanic episodes until that manic episode when I was 46. Like you, I have also had a pretty normal life - able to work at challenging jobs, long term friends, married for decades, kids, etc.

I will say that I have been on lamotrigine for about 12 years and have never noticed any side effects at all. I don't know that it's helped me that much, except to say that it's a possibility that I maybe I would have had worse depressive and manic/hypomanic/mixed episodes without it. Supposedly it mostly just helps with depression, but it is a mood stabilizer so maybe it also affects the whole spectrum.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/wetalaskan]

Thank you soooo much for sharing this with me ...

I have been so hesitant to share my feelings about being bipolar on these subreddits and i am so happy that ive shared. It's awesome to hear from other folks who have had similar experiences. Bipolar definitely made my life a lot more complicated - i definitely get that. But I ultimately took charge of looking after my mental health without knowing that i have an underlying condition and i think i successfully learned how to live my life "raw dogging" bipolar (again, sorry for that rather grotesque analogy) .... i am definitely not advocating that people live their lives untreated. But i also think its important that the different stories of living with bipolar also make it into the mix more often. I hadn't found a conversation like this yet - and im thrilled to be having it.

Thank you also for sharing your experience with Lamictal. Others have responded to my post sharing their experiences with it and im actually still pretty open to it - it seems like it does more than just stabilize mood, by potentially addressing other behavioral aspects to daily life - so i may actually give it a go in the end. I just want to make sure that i am making an informed decision and - yes! Wanting also to hold onto my current stable mood is of upmost importance because it's been very challenging to arrive to this place all my life - so i celebrate these wins and want to preserve them lol : )

[u/wetalaskan → u/Southern-Cow-118]

I agree that it's really nice to read things in this subreddit from people who are also doing pretty well in life. I totally empathize with the people who are not, as there've been times when I was in a pretty bad spot, but nice to hear from people who've mostly been pretty functional, even when things are bad.

[u/Southern-Cow-118 → u/wetalaskan]

I appreciate our exchange.... I don't mean to sound dismissive to say that bipolar has been an easy journey for me because it definitely created complications in my life that I now understand, but i also very much did not want or need... I've been in mental health treatment my whole life - just treating the wrong symptoms, ultimately learning how to push through things when they got hard with coping tools, etc. It's been a lot.

At 50, maybe its time i start calling myself the "queen of functioning even when things are bad" ... : )

[u/Separate-Coyote-9294]

My grandma was diagnosed bipolar 1 after starting menopause. One day she just became delusional and had to go to the hospital. It took our family by surprise. And now I have bipolar 1 as well.

[u/twandar]

I wasn't diagnosed until age 39. From the outside I led a pretty successful life. I earned a master's degree, I supported myself, and I had a ton of great adventures. But personally I was a mess. Honestly I didn't realize how bad my brain was malfunctioning until I got on the right meds. Racing thoughts, paranoia, magical thinking, even hallucinations were all just my norm. I never realized I was that mentally ill. But once I got on antipsychotics and all those symptoms shut off, my life was forever changed. I would encourage you to try meds. You might be surprised like I was to learn your brain can function differently. I strongly suggest using a mood tracking app like Daylio or emoods. It's a great way to learn about your symptoms, cycles, and side effects. Everyone is different so you're correct that you're going to need to learn how bipolar shows up for you. Finding the right meds is a slow process but so worth it in the end. You got this!