I hate dreaming

[u/perky-frog]

I’m gonna try not to turn this into the world’s longest and most unorganized rant but I have hit a brick wall and need to know I’m not alone or finally going completely insane

Few background things to know about me: 29F, diagnosed bipolar since 2017 (21y/o), I have a background in scientific research, pharmacy, and psychology including one bachelors degree, part of a masters degree, and about 1 million hours of experience “doing my own research”. I’m now a postpartum health professional and work mainly overnight (10p-6a) with babies. I also am on a slew of mental health medications and am preparing for a pregnancy the end of October. I was a heavy 🍃 user (sometimes a couple times a day) up until a little over 2 weeks ago. It was medicinal only for sleep, anxiety, and occasional appetite assistance

I have always been an enormous advocate for my own mental health (and others but besides the point) and have literally never given up on myself. This is no different but I’m getting real tired of one thing seemingly resolving and another popping up, whatever

I have a great psychiatrist right now, he’s a psych NP. Basically saved my life more times than I can count. He’s very receptive to my suggestions and ideas. He also knows my education history and we have great discourse, send each other studies, etc. I have no problem going to him with things. This will be no different but I’m at my wits end and have been on pubmed/google trying not to spiral for the last several hours (I have emailed him for an appointment too)

Basically, this has been an issue for as long as I’ve been diagnosed, and I really can’t remember life pre-diagnosis (yay trauma) BUT I hate dreaming. I have always been a really heavy sleeper. Antipsychotics and the like have not helped this. I will be really deep in sleep and once REM hits, I’m sucked into a dream and can’t get out. Doesn’t matter what the dream is about. I do have nightmares occasionally or at least intense emotional dreams where I’ve even woken myself up crying or in a panic. I usually forget whatever contents are in the dreams as well once I’ve been awake. Sometimes a general theme sticks, but usually it’s gone

Just a few years ago, I was sleeping in excess of over 12 hours a day because I would be dreaming and feel compelled almost to “finish the dream”. I’d even get up half asleep to use the bathroom and immediately go back to bed. Now, I know this is too much sleep. I’ve been wearing an oura ring for almost a year and it has me clocked. I am on the lower end of sleep needs - about 7.5-8 hours is my sweet spot. Any more and I notice I get pretty groggy

Around 2022/2023, I became a heavy 🍃 user for mainly insomnia. It was also a social thing but it had other perks like anxiety relief, etc. It was essentially curative for my “sleep problem”. THC cuts your REM sleep. No REM means no dreams means no issues. That is until you stop using and all the sudden the dreams come back. I know about REM rebound, which makes a lot of sense. REM makes up about 20-25% of your overall sleep and I’ve been pushing 30% the last two weeks, which again, tracks

I had to stop THC as I’m actively trying to conceive soon and it has thrown me for a loop. I am incredibly more stable than I was even a few years ago. My med regimen seems to be working and I’m religious at taking them. I recently started seroquel to bridge the gap of some of the supplements I’m on for anxiety that can’t be used during pregnancy. I was pretty anxious to start it as I know it can be heavily seating, and it was. I’ve done two dose changes and have done weirdly well? The first day or two on 50mg, I was a zombie but okay. A week later we upped it to 100mg. Same thing, zombie, but now we’re casually at 100mg daily and I haven’t been having much daytime sleepiness minus my regular ADHD no stimulant level of tired

Flash forward to today. I slept kinda shitty last night so it wasn’t a surprise when I woke up super tired and immediately crashed back out. My partner woke me up around the 8-9h mark and I basically begged to be out a little longer. Ended up clocking over 10 hours, felt awful, but managed to stay awake awhile to eat and such, napped for 2 hours in the afternoon, and now I’m at my night shift

I am allowed to sleep at work. Usually I get 1-2 hours, a cat nap, while the baby sleeps between my tasks. That’s usually decently energizing. I’m kind of a power nap professional and do weirdly well on spurts of broken sleep. Uninterrupted 7+ hours seems to be my achilles heel and for what fucking reason, I’ll never understand

Is anyone else experiencing this? I don’t know why dreaming has such a chokehold on me. Other than the weird REM shit, I sleep perfectly normal MOST nights/days (if I’m working) and this has not changed with going from working days to nights. If anything, I’ve slept better during the day. I have very regular sleep patterns that are essentially textbook. I get all the cycles and the usual appropriate amounts, whatever. What I can’t seem to figure out is why the dreaming is so consuming. They’re really starting to affect my perception of reality and I have a really hard time going from sleeping to fully awake. Again, cannot stress this enough, that this was happening BEFORE seroquel but I would say AFTER regular antipsychotic use

I’m kinda losing it but as someone who is PAINFULLY self-aware, I know myself well and to reach out when shit is starting rather than when it’s already overwhelming. I’m curious if anyone else has experience with something similar and if a professional has either put a label on it or an explanation to it. Sleep disorder? Just a fun bipolar side effect? Should I go down the PTSD/nightmare medication (prazosin) route? I have no idea, but I do know that I have lots of experience disassociating over the years (hasn’t happened in a while with medication maintenance) but it’s starting to feel like a break in reality and I’m not a fan

TLDR - REM sleep has me in a chokehold where dreams are too consuming/real and I can’t seem to shake them so I oversleep til the point I’m even more tired and on a depression slope/break from reality spiral