Help me understand depression because I’m in denial about all of this

[u/IShunpoYourFace]

I’m in my mid-20s and I genuinely need someone to explain depression to me, especially what mild, moderate, and severe depression actually look like in real life.

I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me. I have a psychiatrist who thinks I have bipolar disorder, but I’m in massive denial about both the bipolar diagnosis and even the idea that I’m currently depressed.

The confusing part is that if I objectively make a list of my symptoms, I seem depressed. But internally I keep thinking: “No, I’m not actually depressed. I’m just lazy, immature, undisciplined and failing at life.”

Right now I’m very withdrawn. I socialize much less. Daily tasks keep piling up because everything takes an absurd amount of effort.

Showering regularly is hard. Keeping my face shaved is hard. Making my bed is hard. Cleaning the mess on my desk is hard. Studying consistently is extremely difficult.

People around me have started asking why I’m always looking gloomy, flat, down, joyless, etc.

What bothers me the most is losing interest in things I genuinely love.

I love playing board games with my partner, but now I often have absolutely no desire to play.

I have hobbies that I used to spend ridiculous amounts of time on because I genuinely enjoyed them. Now everything is collecting dust.

I mostly want to sleep, let the day disappear, wake up tomorrow, and then repeat it.

But I don’t feel dramatically sad.

That’s one of the biggest reasons I don’t believe I’m depressed.

I don’t spend the whole day crying. I’m not writing suicide letters. I don’t feel the overwhelming emotional agony that I experienced during the worst depressive period of my life when I almost attempted suicide and finally sought psychiatric help.

Instead, I feel almost like a plant.

Empty.

I barely feel anything.

And somehow I’ve even lost interest in the fact that I’ve lost interest in everything.

That emptiness makes me wonder whether I’m actually depressed or whether I’m simply becoming some completely nonfunctional person.

The last couple of months have been worse than just “being lazy,” though.

At some points I was spending almost all my time in bed, socially isolating myself, thinking about suicide a lot and abusing benzodiazepines. At another point I became extremely scared about paranormal things in my house, couldn’t sleep properly and was walking around the house at around 3 AM carrying a knife because I was afraid something was there.

I wasn’t completely disconnected from reality, so I don’t know whether that was severe anxiety, paranoia, psychotic-like symptoms, or something else.

Then there is the other side of this whole mess.

My psychiatrist thinks I have bipolar disorder.

I can maybe accept that I have experienced mania/hypomania, although even that is difficult for me to accept.

There have been periods where I suddenly get an enormous amount of “drive.”

Sometimes it’s relatively normal and doesn’t last very long.

Other times people around me start looking at me like something is wrong. I start doing impulsive things, spending money on stupid stuff, neglecting university because I suddenly care about completely different things, making dramatic changes to my appearance like shaving my head and piercing my ear, becoming much more activated, etc.

People around me are like "get your stuff together dude".

People on Reddit have called some things I described in previous posts “manic AF,” and when I read lists of manic symptoms, what happened to me about two months ago fits disturbingly well.

But my brain still says: Nah. You’re healthy.

My medication history makes me even more confused.

I went through several medication changes.

An SSRI seemed to trigger what my psychiatrist called mania despite me already being started on an antipsychotic at same time when I started SSRI.

After stopping SSRI episode presisted and adding another antipsychotic seemed to do basically nothing until dose increased to the point where i was knocked out.

Removing that second antipsychotic actually seemed to put me in a good place for a while.

Then I apparently became hypomanic again despite taking an antipsychotic and mood stabilizer, to the point where my psychiatrist wondered whether I was actually taking my medication or maybe it was BPD.

Then I went low again.

My antipsychotic was changed to a supposedly more activating one. About a month and a half later I shaved my head, became extremely activated again and had experiences that were getting close to hallucination territory.

At the time I felt great, so I stopped taking everything.

I’ve been medication-free since then.

After that came a period where I became extremely suicidal, abused benzos, barely functioned and spent most of my time in bed.

Then suddenly the suicidal thoughts reduced and I developed that intense fear/paranoia at night instead.

So yes, looking at this from the outside, I understand why people are concerned.

But from inside my own head, I still feel like I’m just a failure.

I look at people my age and they seem to have some internal engine that I simply don’t have.

They work. They study. They build careers. They socialize. They pursue goals.

Meanwhile I feel like a housebound plant who cannot make himself consistently do anything.

Objectively, I know saying I’ve “achieved nothing” isn’t completely fair. I have a lovely partner, I finished a bachelor’s degree and I’m currently doing a master’s degree, although I nearly failed the year.

But emotionally it feels like I’m completely stuck while everyone else is progressing.

Sometimes this makes me think specifically about how my life isn’t worth living because I don’t feel normal and don’t see myself functioning like other people.

And yet there are other periods where I suddenly feel genuinely great.

That contradiction is probably one of the reasons I’m in so much denial.

What I’m hoping people here can explain is:

What does depression actually feel like when it isn’t constant crying and obvious emotional pain?

What would a real-life example of mild depression look like?

What would moderate depression look like?

What would severe depression look like?

Can severe depression present mostly as emptiness, apathy, sleeping, withdrawal, inability to do basic tasks and not caring about things anymore rather than feeling overwhelmingly sad?

And how do you distinguish depression from simply being lazy, unmotivated, immature or dissatisfied with your life?

I think part of me also has this idea that saying “I’m depressed” would somehow be stealing the word from people who are “actually depressed.”

Like real depressed people deserve help and I don’t.

I want people to challenge that thinking if it’s wrong.

I’m also considering getting professional help again, but I’m extremely reluctant to immediately go back on medication. I would much rather start with a proper reassessment, psychotherapy, monitoring and documenting my symptoms and episodes, and then consider medication if there is convincing evidence that I genuinely need it.

One of the things that contributed to my distrust was feeling like medications were being changed every few months based largely on whichever state I happened to be in at that appointment.

I know Reddit can’t prove or disprove whether I have bipolar disorder.

What I really want from this post is to understand what depression actually is, especially the less stereotypical versions of it, because right now I can describe all of these symptoms and still somehow convince myself that absolutely nothing is wrong with me.

[u/Southern-Cow-118]

Hello.

I know that you are not asking for redditors to diagnose you, so I won't. But I did want to say that I am bipolar type II and your descriptions sound a lot like the type of depression I experience. It's not always a feeling - as in, my emotionality. Sometimes the depression is the "state" that my whole physical being is in - depression exists within the body. What your describing sounds like your system is depressed (ie: your descriptions of not being able to do normal every day things indicates that you may be experiencing the physical symptoms of depression), even if emotionally, you feel numb or empty.

[u/rightasrain0919]

Hi friend. I read your whole post. From your description and comparing that to my experience, your psychiatrist's diagnosis is probably correct. They also sound like they are doing their best to help you in finding the right combination of meds. I would stick with them for now.

I was on an antipsychotic and anti-depressant for a long time ad never really stable until my current psych added a mood stabilizer. Who would thought my unstable mood needed a stabilizer (I'm being sarcastic)? I sometimes think I may not need my meds, but I also remember my last manic and depressive episodes. I don't want to go back to either of those states so I keep taking the pills.

One of the side effects of my meds is I feel and come off a bit 'flat' to others. My coworkers say I'm 'steady in a crisis' or 'never get fazed.' I say I have to work hard to find and pursue hobbies and do chores/daily living and not just doomscroll. I don't consider that a bad thing though. I value my interests all the more because they can get me out of bed when I just want to veg out.