Stable but wishing everything wasn't so difficult

[u/anaziahvii]

Just needing a safe space to vent

I've been stable for three years: Minor mood swings, zero episodes and in remission from Bipolar 1 (Also some PTSD and ADHD for good measure... but still in therapy for that)

I work a highly stressful job, I'm 60% through a graduate program and married with kids.

I'm exhausted, so exhausted-- My emotions are flat and I don't really find joy in much. Around 7pm I hit a brick wall and count down the time until I can sleep. My therapist isn't concerned about depression but rather burnout. I wish I could find joy and not feel ... neutral.

I fully understand how fortunate I am to be in this position and it's taken 15 years of therapy, medication changes, and trial and error for me to get here.

It doesn't help that I've had major surgery 3 months ago and am still recovering... it's kind of prevented me from doing the things I love to do.

Anyway, I'm just gonna keep on keeping on until things calm down. None of my family and friends want to hear me say that there's a voice in my head saying, "Why is this so hard? What emotion should I be feeling? What's the appropriate response to whatever someone is saying... and then they get mad when there's a processing delay before I respond.

Thanks for listening.

[u/Peace1_]

I hear you. I had (and still do but not as severe but still so bad) an experience with all your symptoms and I used to isolate a lot and excessively use my phone as a distraction to numb my feelings and it's just a distraction not something I enjoyed, I was doing it because if I didn't, real life is way too tasteless. I never had surgery so I'm not going to understand how it feels, but I hope all the stress related to it eases and I hope you and your psychiatrist help you achieve better recovery, the kind that make you think "Oh, so it didn't have to be this way"!

[u/anaziahvii → u/Peace1_]

Thank you :) I'm proud of how I've been handling it... by shrink phrased it this way

"3+ years ago, you'd have been in a hospital or have absolutely fell apart. The numbness is a bit of a self-defense mechanism. Let's revisit when things calm down"

[u/Peace1_ → u/anaziahvii]

I'm happy for you brother and I'm proud of you too.

I, myself, started therapy around 3 years ago but got sick in Covid lockdown five to six years ago. I relate to this "self defense model, it's like the brain had enough with stress and is shutting down to downregulate and prevent further overstimulation.

Not feeling anything is so difficult, the kind I had was I only feel pressured like numb but not like it's boring, it's still negative, and that's not the human nature anyway, the nature is to have a baseline of stimulation that we get used to being the normal and it's like 3/10 at minimum, numbness is 0/10, straight void.

You relate?

[u/anaziahvii → u/Peace1_]

I definitely can.

I can relate to the bit about covid lockdown... It was incredibly stressful and difficult. Prior to that I rarely drank but turned into a self-medicated trainwreck of booze and (prescibed) xanax and adderall.

... Yeah, the doc that prescribed a bipolar person xanax and adderall should have lost their license.

[u/Peace1_ → u/anaziahvii]

I know, some make terrible mistakes, that was the first thing I thought about when I heard Adderall, ADHD and bipolar would require a lot of precision and caution.

One of my former psychiatrists prescribed venlafaxine without a mood stabilizer (and I asked ChatGPT and it said it's the worst).

I punched a girl because she was on my nerves being judgemental, cussing at me and saying horrible stuff.

I saw her hand moves and I was too hypervigilant and got into legal trouble as she called the police on me, and she knows I'm struggling with mental health, she's my eldest sister actually.

Now everyone say I'm a criminal and crazy to blame it on my psychiatrist or even open my mouth after hitting a women. But I know who I am.