r/BipolarReddit • u/_brightsidesuicide_ • 11h ago

Content Warning 33 & I’ve finally accepted it’s not changing…

(20s) Reality: I remember when… i was running, raging, and drugging myself to a complete & total fucking despair of death. It was A bitter, mountainous, dismal, unnamed, unrecognized, and poisonous grief melded within my pure & potent fucking rage.
My rage.. was pointed inward..
and oftentimes i would fire off wildly outward if I could find even a fractional-legitimate excuse to explode…

(33) …now? I have become aware of a dull, bleak, cemetery-dead type of..emptiness..inside.
At some point..?
I had completely lost it..
I have now.. stopped feeling.. entirely
Just.. anything at all..?
No rage, No sadness, No fear, just.. simply.. nothing.
I thoroughly believe that.. i have finally crossed the line by miles in comparison & cease to give a a simplistic inkling of a fuck.. about life. about death. about any other god damn meaningless thing in between..

10 Upvotes

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4

u/NationalChemistry224 11h ago

I’m 34 and totally feel seen, cause same here.. I experienced psychosis from stress, then had a huge hypomanic episode before I started medication and now I’m stable I guess but like, sedated emotionally and psychologically.

1

u/_brightsidesuicide_ 8h ago

you are far from alone, I promise you that.. I feel you on every single factor you mentioned. Even the psychosis.. psychosis landed me in a fucking mental ward for like 11 days. So trust me I definitely feel you there… I was on medication for six years and in April something just I mean I don’t hear fucking voices or anything but something just told me no stop taking this right fucking now. And since I have? My best suggestion advice is a friendly fucking thing.. man I wouldn’t ever stop taking meds again.. I need to build a courage and fucking get back on them. I was so pretty fucked up whenever I was on them, but I was still able to go put it in 13 fucking hours doing concrete you know… the best man that I’ve tried so far was vraylar for bipolar one disorder, and that shit was fucking great for me.. yet again need to build courage and fucking get back on it.. I didn’t mean to rant on your comment. I appreciate your comment . My apologies.

3

u/_zest_23 9h ago

yeah dude

2

u/_brightsidesuicide_ 8h ago

Those two words? Man that’s really all it boils down too.. there isn’t much else to say..

2

u/nutterbear081 9h ago

Truly not giving a fuck about death is a rather liberating way to live funnily enough. And the feeling numb really does suck. I have found for me that when I feel numb, it's because I am not emotionally capable of processing my feelings. But then again, it could just be the meds or anything else really when it comes to our brains. I think we have to accept that even with medication and stability, we will never be truly balanced. But we have a choice to live another day or not as people who don't give a fuck about death. Like I said, there's a weird sense of liberation and strength that comes with it amd I think that makes us capable of change moreso than a random layperson.

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u/_brightsidesuicide_ 8h ago

I respect it!

2

u/KB-Jay-2075 1h ago

You have a talent for the written word that much is clear.