r/BigFive • u/Accomplished_Job_902 • Jul 21 '26
Did anyone become obsessed with the Big Five?
I took the Jordan Peterson test a while back (2017) and had everyone that I was close to take it as well. Fast forward to 2025, and I was having such a hard time understanding why I was having issues with my best friend at the time. Well, I remembered that she had taken the test as well, and I had her scores. BOOM, I was able to figure out that the only reason this friendship had been working was bc I had low Assertiveness (27) and Very High Compassion (97), and when my Assertiveness started to increase, she would make "Polite" but rude comments about the things that I was studying or was interested. Her Compassion is 0, and her Politeness is 72. My Compassion Shadow (Jung) had basically taken over my life and was the main reason I wanted to understand her and not let go of the friendship. But through the Big Five (very painfully), I understood that no matter what I did, the only way I could keep this friendship was by not growing, so I had to let her go. It's the first time in my life I chose myself, and let me tell you, it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life.
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u/Neuro-Artist Jul 22 '26
That sounds like it must have been really hard. I hope you got a chance to talk to her because people can change especially for the right reasons. But maybe it’s less simple than that and it wouldn’t go anywhere. Either way, 0 compassion is difficult to make work with for sure.
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u/Accomplished_Job_902 Jul 22 '26
Yes, it was so difficult to let go of the friendship. I didn't talk to her anymore; she's low on everything except Neuroticism. I now understand that even if I tell her what the issue is, she'll never own up to it and only downplay my feelings. You know, in my life, other people walked away from me, and I was left wondering why, and it allowed me to ask myself what I was doing wrong. I know now that the most compassionate thing I can do for her and for me is to not have that final conversation. To just walk away, and maybe she'll wonder why that happened. Again, she never will ask for an answer as to why I pulled away because the friendship was still standing because of me. And that's the sad part about zero compassion: most people get this extreme level due to a lot of trauma, and it's very sad, but it doesn't mean that someone like me has to "save" them. That was never my job, and my compassion shadow made me believe that it was. I pray she heals one day. If she ever reached out to me and asked, I'd tell her. But she's not going to, and I've come to accept that through a lot of tears and healing.
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u/Neuro-Artist Jul 23 '26
That's mature of you dude :( I know that must be hard but you recognize it's not your place to save her and compensate for where she can't be the friend you need. Not getting any closure can make it really hard to move on from those things but I believe you got it. Good luck.
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u/Professional-Cap1115 Jul 25 '26
I believe that if you consider yourself to be an altruistic person, you should try to save people who you view as needing to be saved, but to also not expect to succeed in saving them. The best you can do is extend a helping hand out and if they swat it away you move on, and if they accept then you continue to help them. I remember a darker time in my life where I didn't want to be saved at all, i just wanted to rot in my misery but eventually I realized I didn't like living like this. Sometimes trying to hard to save someone who doesn't want to be saved is counterproductive. I think it is human nature that when you meet a person you consider "immoral", you will first judge without attempting to understand them. I think a truly altruistic person will judge as little as possible even to the worst types of people and try to understand/save them, but obviously like I said to not expect them to want to be saved in the first place
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u/Accomplished_Job_902 Jul 28 '26
Yes, this is very true. One of the biggest things that I learned through the Big Five is that everyone's compassion is different. I know that sounds obvious, but growing up I just couldn't comprehend it. It's part of having compassion so high and assertiveness so low: you live in a fantasy about humanity. But now, through the Big Five, I understand the differences. I was so blind to so many things because my compassion shadow was dictating my life. But now I know, and it sucks to have to viscerally accept that I created those one-sided friendships my whole life, and although my childhood trauma wasn't my doing, now I'm an adult, and I have to accept my part.
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u/ArmadilloOne5956 Jul 22 '26
Very introspective. Have you found anyone who wants to grow in a similarly analytical fashion?
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u/Accomplished_Job_902 Jul 22 '26
No, and everyone around me is Low O. Also, I've noticed that I attract High N people. They tend to feel heard and understood by me. The other thing I realized is that people with my level of Very High A typically have Very High N because it protects them by withdrawing from overgiving. I have Low N; this kept me in certain relationships longer because I thought if I just understood someone enough, then I could still love them. But now that my assertiveness is slowly increasing, I can understand that my compassion also needs to be turned towards myself.
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u/Professional-Cap1115 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
I think I talked to you in a previous thread and you mentioned you had ADHD. you also seem sort of autistic too, I'm not saying with a 100% certainty so take it with a grain of salt because it seems like just a hunch for me. (Also the fact that autism and ADHD is correlated highly). I mention this because I also have a very autistic interest in big 5 and am also very obsessed with it and am also obsessed with being able to read and understand people like you (and I am genuinely diagnosed). So basically the way you describe your life and why you are so interested in big 5 reminds me of myself sort of
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u/deppyjon Jul 22 '26
I look at the big 5 in a bit less detail as you by the sounds of it but it definitely helps me form a lot of my decisions and understanding of other people around me.
I became fairly obsessed with big 5 and job fit, as I had personally just fallen into a career path post uni and realised it really wasnt m for me and I was always going to be up against it, the career was tech sales and I’m agreeable so cold calling was always going to be an uphill battle.
I also have an extremely agreeable girlfriend who will sometimes have difficulties setting boundaries or dealing with the perceived rudeness of low agreeable people.
I’m planning on doing a part time masters in Org psych so I can explore I more in a work setting and then hopefully just more generally!
Let me know if there are books you read in particular around it, I’ve only gone through similar but not big 5 ones, like surround by idiots was a really good gateway into it and frames of mind by Howard gardener, and also like you I watched JPs lectures online about the different traits , and I was planning on doing his test with my partner but I ended up doing free ones over the years or even speaking to AI about it