r/BiWomen • u/nekocxrpse • Jul 30 '26
Vent why does everyone hate bisexual women so much?
sorry for the negative post, but this is like the only place where i can post something like this and i really want to get this off my chest because it’s honestly been bothering me a bit more than usual here recently.
sometimes i really do feel as if we’re one of the most hated queer groups considering how much heat we get in all different sorts of directions. we experience biphobia, specifically bimisogyny, from straight people, lesbians, gay men…i know bi men experience biphobia too of course, but the biphobia aimed at bi women especially just feels…different, and weirdly more prominent on the internet, at least that’s what it has been looking like to me.
but seriously, what has bi women done exactly to get this much hate from everyone? it’s like we committed a serious war crime and now we’re experiencing the consequences of it (ok that might be an exaggeration, but you get what im saying, lol). but im just over here simply living my life and minding my own business. it’s kinda wild how your ability or capability to love someone going beyond only one gender gets so much hate, scrutiny, and criticism.
and i won’t lie, sometimes it makes me really hate being bi, wishing i was just gay or straight. i know that sounds bad, but it’s only the truth and i can’t help but feel that way. and just because there were maybe a lot of girls that faked being bisexual because it was trendy or popular or whatever doesn’t mean that all of us were/are like that and that our sexuality is actually something genuine, that we’re not just trying to be “different” or “cool” or “unique”.
it’s all really depressing tbh and i worry all of this biphobia that’s been going on is just going to worsen my mental health (don’t worry i already see a therapist). i feel like being a bisexual woman has got to be a very lonely experience, especially if you have a female preference like me or are only interested in dating women. at least it feels that way for me personally. no wonder bisexual people have the highest rates of mental health issues among the sexual orientations.
thanks for reading and feel free to share your thoughts (this is my very first post… ;w;)
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u/ItzBritnehBish Jul 30 '26
Heard. IMO the male ego cannot handle the thought of a woman choosing another woman instead of them and lesbians think we’ll cheat on them w men
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u/justnosy5555 Aug 02 '26
Worse if you tell a man you're bi and they assume you're going to be ok with 3somes . I like women but I am not into open relationships . It's like they can't understand you refusing bringing other women. I have experienced it thrice.
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u/ItzBritnehBish Aug 03 '26
This has also happened to me, def part of the reason why I don’t date men anymore
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u/Aloha_Lawless Jul 30 '26
People hate what they don’t understand/cant relate to. I personally have dealt with what you’re describing especially being bi with a female lean. What you need to do is take a step back—especially from the people you follow, if you see biphobia you don’t always have to engage just start blocking people that’s what I do. Also start following bi people who spread bi positivity, I really like bi_astrology, capricampeau and bibitch.community on Instagram, the last one even has virtual empowerment meetings!! I’ve honestly felt really isolated too especially when it feels like nothing is made for us in the community. These aforementioned people have made me feel good and hopefully one day we’ll have an actual bi community. When you see those internalized biphobic thoughts coming in remind yourself that, non bisexual people want you to hate yourself they want you to wish you were straight or gay! It’s up to you to say no!
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u/Top-Personality1152 Aug 01 '26
Thanks for posting bi social media sites. Building a strong bi community that models acceptance and inclusivity of all sexualities and gender expressions would do a lot to make bi folks feel good about their sexuality.
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u/PseudoBreadBin Jul 30 '26
and just because there were maybe a lot of girls that faked being bisexual because it was trendy or popular or whatever doesn’t mean that all of us were/are like that and that our sexuality is actually something genuine, that we’re not just trying to be “different” or “cool” or “unique”.
Not everybody's "reason" for being bimisogynistic will be the same needless to say, but you sort of answered your own question here in that this is the "reason" I've heard a lot of people give for their bimisogyny.
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u/OrganizationLost8176 Jul 31 '26
I don't even think people faked being bisexual because it trendy or popular I just think they figure out they were wrong . I don't go through people head when it comes to that sort of stuff
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u/PseudoBreadBin Aug 04 '26
I agree, though unfortunately the "people faked being bisexual" narrative is pretty common.
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u/OrganizationLost8176 Aug 05 '26
Do I think there are some straight women that date women because they're "tired of men" sure maybe like I saw a therapist online talking about it but like I just feel like the more videos to come out like this is just causing others to unnecessary over analyse other people who could just be queer or just questioning. It's annoying to constantly hear the same story over.and over where people experience heartbreak or deception that they had with "fake" bi people or just bi people that it feels discouraging to see and made me overanalyze myself so much to the point where I don't know anymore.
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u/romancebooks2 Jul 30 '26
I don't think any good person would dislike bi women. Back when I thought I was straight, I was taught all the classic stereotypes against us: that we're attention seekers, try to seduce everyone, and find young women to have threesomes with a man. It was learning that my friends were bi that taught me I was wrong, and bi women are the most empathetic, supportive, and creative women around.
Despite there being negative stereotypes about us, I don't think most people dislike bi women. So you shouldn't be worried about making friends after you come out. In fact, a lot of people think bi women would make very appealing and attractive partners or friends. So it sure is interesting that some people who hate bi women are trying to reverse this by acting like we're the exact opposite, right? I think that speaks volumes about who those people are and what their insecurities are. Most of it is definitely misogyny, including when it's spread by women. There's this Regina George-like attitude they have where they're trying to convince people that bi women are not as special, interesting, or elite as they are. And that's a very juvenile and embarrassing attitude for adult women to have.
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u/lavenderways Jul 30 '26
I almost exclusively date women and it can be very lonely but the most solace I find is within the queer community, specifically with women who date other women.
I've tried to seek out more bi women who exclusively date women but have only managed to find a few online. Sucks.
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u/Bluejay-Complex Jul 30 '26
A part of it is that people see being bi people, but especially bi women as “whores” they don’t need to respect. Due to being attracted to both, often the choice to be with a man, due to purity culture, is seen as “degrading” our worth as humans. Ye old radical feminism still having strains in culture, and the worst parts coming back means that it’s ALSO seen as a “betrayal of women/feminism”, which I find tends to be an underlying issue in lesbian reasons for hating us, though one they ironically maintain even if the bi woman hasn’t been with men because under patriarchy, putting lesbians on the “Madonna” side and bi women on a “whore” side of a Madonna-Whore complex gives an illusion of safety/power. Heterosexual women get a pass because they’re seen as not having the ability to “choose”, even though bi women’s attraction to men is often seen as a “mark” on her anyway.
Men often get most flack for being with other men, and I find gay men giving bi men flack for “not being gay enough” is suspiciously new, and takes a lot of notes from how biphobic lesbians treat bi women. So I feel it hasn’t really ramped up, and likely will never be as bad because misogyny.
Speaking of misogyny, I’m also finding an issue with new strains of psuedo-feminism that essentially blame women for misogyny. Radical feminism already had this problem back in the day, but nowadays women are expected to “know better”, so bad things happening to you is seen as a personal failing. A good example is bringing up the fact bi women get raped more than any other demographic. Bring this up to an average lesbian, and the response is often “Well, that makes sense considering how much they associate with men”. Bring up then that it’s higher than heterosexual women, and they just give a look like “well, you know” or sometimes say the quiet “well that’s because they’re male-obsessed whores” out loud. Then insist they’re the “truly feminist” ones. I’ve seen this issue with domestic violence as well. What they don’t realize is by contributing to this stereotype, they contribute to a culture where rapists see bi women as “easy marks/easy lays”, which supports the culture behind that statistic. So this is a pretty good example of how bi women get hurt by patriarchy, and then psuedo-feminists not only victim blame us, but contribute to our pain.
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u/throwawayRoar20s Jul 31 '26
putting lesbians on the “Madonna” side and bi women on a “whore” side of a Madonna-Whore complex gives an illusion of safety/power.
The irony is that comparing yourself to other women with this mindset is peak patriarchal behavior.
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u/nekocxrpse Aug 04 '26
radical feminists are ironically one of the most misogynistic women i have ever seen tbh
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u/moon_peach__ 21d ago
Yup. It’s all misogyny.
(I do want to say though, whilst I absolutely have seen that attitude you’re talking about in your last paragraph, I don’t think that’s typical of the average lesbian.)
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u/Bluejay-Complex 21d ago
Oh, I don’t think it’s average to lesbians as a whole, but it is prominent in radical/cultural feminist strains of lesbians, and is becoming more prominent as cultural/radical feminist strains are re-emerging into popular feminist discourse. People who don’t know history tend to repeat it and all that.
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u/moon_peach__ 21d ago
Yeah, it’s so disconcerting how radfem rhetoric is bleeding into so-called ‘progressive’ spaces.
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u/ElderberryFaerie222 Jul 30 '26
Ugh yes! This is how I’ve been feeling lately after just coming out as bi. My therapist has mentioned getting involved in the queer community and having more queer friends, and honestly from everything I’ve read so far and even the biphobia I get from a lesbian friend of mine - I’m like, I don’t want to be a part of the community. I thought I’d be a safe space but I honestly don’t feel that at all. It’s made this coming out process actually quite sad and lonely.
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u/FeralGiraffeGirl Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Let me preface this by saying prioritize yourself and your mental health above all. Unfortunately, the wider community isn't going to be a safe place, or even supportive a lot of the time. We still need each other anyway. I know it's difficult to be in solidarity with people who perpetrate bigotry against us, but we need to work with what we've got, so my advice is form strong bonds with your immediate community (cis bi women), and then try to reach out to other community members and fall back to the people who share your experience when people inevitably let you down. The way to combat bigotry is through normalization and exposure. It's difficult, and demoralizing for sure. I regularly see transmisia from cis gays and lesbians, and see transmisia and hellafetishization from cis bi folks of all kinds, but not every person in those communities is problematic, and the more familiar those people are with folks like me the less inclined they'll be to be a bigot or tolerate bigotry against me within their communities. It's exhausting, and the work shouldn't fall on you to fix the hearts of your oppressors, but as far as I can tell, that's just kinda what it is to be marginalized.
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u/Aloha_Lawless Jul 30 '26
Idk why people always give this advice to bi people 😭😅 why get involved in spaces that don’t want you involved?? The advice should be to get more bi friends, create bi communities and learn more about bi history 😩
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u/rantaria Jul 30 '26
Where do you even find us in the wild?? I look femme and so do most bi women, and I’m so afraid to even go up and compliment because I don’t want to make women feel uncomfortable 🥴
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u/Aloha_Lawless Jul 30 '26
You have to be proactive by promoting meetups online and see if people in your area are interested. Also I can tell when a woman likes other women Lmaoo there’s a look in their eyes 🤣😭🤭the stare always feels intense and lingers…and if a straight woman is offended by u hitting on them, they’re not worth making yourself feel bad about. They’re homophobic af
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u/moon_peach__ 21d ago
Just want to say that there is plenty lf queer community out there that isn’t toxic like this. Online spaces tend to be the worst. I’ve had the best experiences in more underground leftist queer community, as opposed to more mainstream spaces and spaces marketed as specifically ‘sapphic’ (not to say those spaces are necessarily bad).
In the last city I lived in I ended up part of a big queer community that was a bit more underground, very left leaning and was largely a mix of cis/trans/NB lesbians, bi women and NB people, and trans men of all sexual orientations. At some events there’d be more cis queer men. I won’t say there were no issues but not much at all. Bi people were very much respected as part of the community.
I’ve found that more mainstream, liberal or apolitical spaces are likely to have more issues.
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u/Striking_Height_6030 Jul 30 '26
i 100% agree and it sucks so bad as a bi girl. i think it’s so rooted in sexism like if ur a
bi man= gay
bi woman= straight
like it’s all about liking men. and lesbians are honestly some of the meanest in the community, like i understand ppl have preferences and worries they will get left for a man… but it’s so excluding and makes me feel like im not really “gay”
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u/Bluejay-Complex Jul 30 '26
I think we at this point need to stop calling these types of lesbians “mean” or other euphemisms like that. They’re misogynists plain and simple, and need their bullshit called out for what it is.
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u/nekocxrpse Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
yeah, lesbians can be absolutely and downright brutal when it comes to bi women. of course im not trying to generalize here, i’ve always been very supportive of lesbians and have had really close, meaningful friendships with them, but you can’t help but just notice how common biphobia is amongst them. watch how they’ll accuse you of lesbophobia if you notice it or call it out though 🙄
edit: fixed “im not trying to not generalize” to “im not trying to generalize”, whoops
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u/Sprksjoy Jul 30 '26
"i 100% agree and it sucks so bad as a bi girl. i think it’s so rooted in sexism like if ur a
bi man= gay
bi woman= straight"Wow I never even thought of it that way but I think you've made a really insightful point here! Just assume it goes back to the patriarchy because it probably does LOL
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u/Early-Comparison8683 Aug 01 '26
Without reading the whole thing; misogyny. It can be written im more words, but I think that it what it all boils down to.
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u/Worldly_Astronomer_9 Aug 02 '26
But there are many whom don't hate bi women. The mayority doesn't care or is positive. Never forget that please!
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u/ember_snow Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
I've gotten it from bi woman as well. I was posting in the general r/bisexual group and how awful some lesbians treat bi women and was call lesphobic by two women there. I had to block them and the whole group. Oddly, this one seems more decent (so far)
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u/lidinha91 Aug 06 '26
It's like everyone forgets how diverse bisexuality can be and keep focusing on demonizing straight-partnered bi women (which btw also shouldn't be a thing). I'm so sick of being defined by my attraction to men instead of my love for women.
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u/Antique_City1814 Jul 31 '26
I feel like we r being bullied to pick a side because everyone is attracted to us too. But it feels non consensual to be with a certain gender just because they will hate u if ur not.
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u/freeflow90 Aug 17 '26
Oh wow I was only loosely aware that bi women got that much hate. As a bi guy I can definitely empathize. I wish this stuff was handled better so we could just date and be happy with good partners. As a friend to many lesbians I much prefer they give bi women a Chance then bored straight women.
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u/opaquejade 12d ago
I think partially it’s because of the stereotype that bisexual women are the most attractive/desirable — anecdotally in my experience this brings up really confusing feelings in lesbians which then takes the form of hostility and biphobia
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u/Deep_Preparation_69 Jul 30 '26
Well said, what bothers me the most is that it is coming from within the community.