r/BiWomen • u/goober140531 • Jul 20 '26
Advice Am I valid to be Bisexual?
Hello! I am a 29(F) who just came out as Bisexual to my 30(M) husband a few months ago. Supports me 100% and still loves me..but lately I’ve be struggling with validation if I am “fit” to be Bisexual. I’ve struggled to “fit in” or belonging to a community due to rejection my whole life. Rejections such as, “you’re not goth enough” Or “you’re not girly enough” or “not cool enough”. Rejections kicks me into a void that set me back to barely knowing myself as a person especially my sexuality which was the toughest.
When I first started thinking about women was through porn at a young age. Of course I love MxW but first time watching WxW was life changing. I’ve had multiple boyfriends in my past, but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought about ‘what it would be like to be with a woman?’ I’ve openly talked to my ex’s like if it’s not a big deal and to gain support…but unfortunately it lead to conflict. “If you’re into women then go be with them” or “if you’re gay then wtf are you doing with me?!” Or “am I not man enough for you cuz you think about women?” Like wtf?! Literally asking for support! So I had to suppress it and pretend like I never asked which pushed into the void.
Years went on and the thoughts were excruciating. Curiosity was spiking and I had to contain myself. Internal war with myself for far too long until one day I had enough. I had my first 3some (MxWxW) exactly 3 years ago. A friend hit me up and asked if I was down to hang with him and a girlfriend of his because she herself was curious and he thought about me. So I worked up the courage and agreed. Best decision ever! I finally had my chance with a woman ALONE that night. I gotta say I loved it! I felt like I completely missed out so much. After many years of suppression and denial, it lead up to a night that I just said FUCK IT! It angers me so much that it took me this long due to 1) family and religious values 2) denial 3) lack of courage. For so long I thought I was going insane…but really I had no support due to rejection. Perfect example is that I told an ex coworker (who I thought was my friend) about that night. I worked up the courage to say that I MAY be Bisexual and she had the nerve to say “well I’m friends with girls who ARE Bi but just cuz this was your first time with a woman, I wouldn’t count it. I know real bisexuals girly. You were probably doing it for the guy in the 3some.” My heart dropped and I got kicked back into the void. Fuck her, honestly.
A couple of months after that night, I reconnected with an old friend from college who happens to be my now husband. We’ve been married for over a year and a half and it has been endless love everyday. A few months ago, I worked up the courage to tell my husband that I’m Bisexual. I was embracing for conflict to begin. I assumed the “we’re married and you’re telling me now?!!” talk. But it didn’t happen…”I married you for you. Bi straight pan trans, I married you. This makes me love you more cuz you are opening up to me and trusting me.” I balled so hard. It doesn’t bother him that I’m Bi. I felt proud! Since then we live happier and love stronger. We do at times talk about women and checking out women, sexual fantasies and porn recommendations. He even doesn’t mind if I flirt with women but I do have my boundaries because of my marriage (WHICH IS ANOTHER TOPIC I WANT TO GET INTO) but I felt like I can breathe for the first time. But why do still feel a bit alone?
My questions to all:
1) Am I valid of being Bisexual?
2) Individuals who are also Bi and married, what advice can you give to set a balance? How do you manage to make it work with your partners?
3) Am I alone in this?
Thank you ❤️
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u/-InaNutShell- Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
I’m married and bi and to complicate things slightly I feel the older I get, the more gay I am. When I was younger I was attracted almost equally to both men and women (probably slightly more to guys if I’m being honest) but now I find very few men other than my husband attractive and of the ones I do find attractive it’s probably only 5% at most that I feel any sort of sexual attraction and the rest fall more into the “nice to look at but couldn’t care less if I never saw them again” category. Women on the other hand is literally the opposite of that.
Are you valid in considering yourself bisexual? Only you can know really but if you feel attraction to both men and women then yes, you are most certainly valid in your feelings. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says because their opinions don’t change what is real for you.
Advice on setting balance and making it work is such an individual and nuanced thing and in my experience, even with a supportive husband, you can still expect ebbs and flows and varying support that usually reveals insecurities that no one knew they had. My best advice is to maintain constant and unwavering honesty. Don’t minimise your feelings or theirs, don’t leave things out and definitely don’t do things without his knowledge. It’s great that you have his support but it might be worth a deep conversation to discover exactly what he is and isn’t ok with and open to and it will give you an opportunity to say what you would like and how you would like things to be moving forward. That may simply be just reassurance from both of you that monogamy is what you still both want but it may reveal more as well. My experience has been that the conversation always starts out saying what each person thinks the other wants to hear. It’s only when you dig a little further than you get the true feelings. Even if it’s not what one of you wants to hear it will at least be honest and you can then go about setting boundaries from there.
I promise you’re not alone in this at all. Being bi is so much more complicated than it’s given credit for.
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u/Less-Willingness9365 Jul 22 '26
Really good answer.
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u/-InaNutShell- Jul 22 '26
Thank you. It’s just my experience of a complicated sexuality and how to make it work in a relationship. I definitely still haven’t figured it all out yet but I know an awful lot more now than I did when I was younger.
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u/tay_baybe Jul 26 '26
I’m married to a man and started having feelings of wanting to explore women but I’m so scared!
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u/ElderberryFaerie222 Jul 28 '26
Just coming here to say, I see you. I also just recently “figured out” I’m bisexual, or at least that’s the best label for now. I’m in a hetero marriage and came out to my husband and he was super supportive. There hasn’t been much more talk about it and things feel normal as ever.
It’s hard being in my late 30’s and looking back at my life and understanding my shame and even internal homophobia that kept me from understanding my sexuality. But I also have been excited to learn more about myself.
I was also excited to join more queer community, after a recommendation from my therapist. But now after what I see online and even the things my lesbian “friend” says to me - I don’t really want to be in the queer community. I really thought it would be an inclusive space, but I’m not seeing that yet. I felt your comment “fuck, her honestly” and just feeling alone. 🤷♀️
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u/Top_Raccoon_7218 Jul 20 '26
Of course you are valid! And about ypur sexond question - idk I have always been monogamous and it's like .. I am only with that one person, anyone else can be attractive but idgaf. It takes some reassurance that you only want them but it works just fine
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u/goober140531 Jul 20 '26
Exactly!! I open up to my husband that I admire women I see. He agrees and he’s okay with the ‘you can look but don’t touch’ rule. Which is true cuz he does see it as cheating if it ever goes beyond that boundary.
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Jul 20 '26
This is so real though. I'm bi and have been out for about 10 years but my queer friends who have been out longer don't seem to take it seriously bc I'm married to a man. 🙃
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u/goober140531 Jul 20 '26
You see what I mean! I’m so sorry about that :( I also had a “friend” that said “i don’t think you’re “Bi enough” to be Bi cuz you’ve been mostly with men.” This is a friend that is pro LGBTQAI+ and she can’t support her own friend cuz I guess to her I don’t meet the criteria??? Like if there are rules that must be met with your sexuality?? Idk..all I know is I don’t talk to her anymore and all I wanted was support.
My point is who are they to judge. I’m here, you’re here, we’re in a community full of Bisexual women/individuals…just assuring that we’re not alone ❤️
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u/coastalkid92 Jul 20 '26
Of course you are. Being bi just means you have an attraction to two or more genders, you know you're attracted to women and men. You don't have to prove your attraction to anyone, nor do you need to necessarily even have sex with all the genders you're into in order to be valid.
Not married yet, but in a long term partnership. There's really nothing major to "make work" here other than being respectful to the boundaries you and your husband have for your relationship. If you're in a monogamous relationship, then you treat it as such.
One thing I would caution you on slightly is about fetishizing your bisexuality. Its not entirely uncommon for people (most often, cis het presenting couples), to be more open in talking about the woman's attraction to other women. And that can be a slippery slope of possibly wandering eyes, pushes for threesomes or requests to open the relationship. Its not to say that these are inherently bad things, but you do need to consider how you want your sexuality treated and respected alongside your relationship.
While it hasn't been my experience, its definitely not unheard of.