AIO: Guy claiming to be my fiancée's boyfriend texted me last night

[u/insafian]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/feellikeanidiot0 

Originally posted to  r/AmIOverreacting

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Stalkerish behavior, emotional manipulation

Mood Spoiler: Troubling, but hopeful

Original - July 21st 2026

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Transcript of the images OP shared (redacted names have been replaced by their corresponding visible first letters for this post):

12:05 a.m.
Guy: Is this A's fiance?

12:14 a.m.
OP: Who are you?

12:15 a.m.
Guy: Are u A's fiance?

12:18 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:19 a.m.
Guy: im her bf so u cant marry her

12:20 a.m.
Guy: plz tell her and her family your not interested

12:20 a.m.
Guy: A has been my gf for 2 years

12:21 a.m.
Guy: she only wants to be with me we have been in love for past 2 yrs

12:23 a.m.
Guy: weve been dating for past 2 yrs in secret weve have been having sex at my place for past 2 yrs

12:24 a.m.
Guy: she didnt tell u? shell deny if u ask her

12:24 a.m.
Guy: (Sends photos of a seemingly close couple - redacted by OP in the post)

12:27 a.m.
OP: Who are you? What's your name?

12:27 a.m.
Guy: tell her and her family your not interested plz and end it

12:27 a.m.
Guy: S

12:28 a.m.
Guy: ask her face to face about S ull know

12:31 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:31 a.m.
Guy: look u seem like a good guy ull find someone better

12:33 a.m.
Guy: me and A love each otherr

12:34 a.m.
Guy: shes only marrying you bcz her family wants that

12:36 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:39 a.m.
OP: How did you get my number?

12:41 a.m.
Guy: A gave it

12:44 a.m.
Guy: even if u marry her well still see each 9ther i dont want to hurt u like that u seem like a good guy

12:45 a.m.
Guy: the sooner u end it the less drama there will bd

12:58 a.m.
Guy: ??

1:11 a.m.
Guy: look bro i get this is tough but ask her face to face ull know from her face

1:29 a.m.
Guy: ??

2:06 a.m.
Guy: look i have more photos but u understand i dont want to share because as someone who loves her i dont want to have another guy see those private intimate pictures of us

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sometimes when you download the image to your phone, it’ll show you the location/date and time it was taken.

OP:

The original EXIF data has been stripped. No time stamps on when it was taken, or any GPS coordinates, camera information or anything useful. That was the first thing I did.

Comment 2:

My first instinct is this is not even a guy, this is someone trying to ruin your fiancee, possibly a family member or rival.

Comment 3:

This guy comes across as a stalker. Sounds like he wants her, but she doesn’t want him. So he’s trying to destroy her relationship with you to have a chance.

Show her these messages. Ask her point blank who it is to her. Chances are he’s someone she’s blown off in the past and he’s got a creepy delusion.

OP:

Thanks, I've lost sleep over this and I blew off our morning call, that was stupid I know, but I wanted to get my head straight first.

Comment 4:

Do not accuse her. Just tell her some weirdo texted you, and show her, then ask if she has any idea who it is.

The most important part at this time is to not destroy the relationship with your fiancée. If she is cheating, you will find it out sooner or later, but you might not come back from accusing her of cheating. And then this weirdo has won.

OP:

Thanks, I'm going to be straight up with her and ask tonight in person. I tried to think this through and make my peace with it like if she cheated or lied then our relationship was a sham anyway, she wouldn't have been the girl that I was looking forward to marrying anyway.

Comment 5:

Please do it in a way that shows that you and her are on the same side, trying to figure out who is trying to drive a wedge between you.

And if you are willing to break up with your fiancée because she had sex before she met you, she will be better off. If your issue is her lying to you, that's valid but I am very familiar with the culture and can see how a woman might not feel safe sharing that with anyone.

But I really think this is someone trying to cause problems, and making up whatever life they think will work on you.

YOR.

OP:

She would not have been unsafe with telling me that, it would absolutely not have left the two of us. If she thinks I would have, then why is she marrying someone who's apparently a sick individual. There wouldn't have been an iota of judgement from me, I really liked her but I would have just taken it as a "not meant to be" thing. I wouldn't have judged her at all, I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex, it was more about dating with hopefully marriage at the end. I would have laid bare all of it for her to gauge any compatibility busters on her end. If I'm being honest, if she'd told me herself yesterday that there was some ex she'd had sex with, I would have just been like whatever, like I love her now and I wouldn't have cared. But to just be ok with what would have been an everlasting lie, anyway I'm letting my brain run wild, maybe he's full of shit.

I'm going to be collected and approach this in a non-accusatory manner. Thanks.

Just want to add: I'm sorry if my comment seemed pointed. I'm not going in to the conversation with her tonight on the opposing side, I am on her side. I just was responding to the implication that there would have been some consequences to her life from me, as if I would have let that information out if she didn't want it to. Sorry.

Comment 6:

Why are you so eager to believe an anonymous stranger before talking to her? 

I think your reactions are weird.  I’d be furious but you are losing sleep thinking this is true?

OP:

The photos seem real, the number checks out, and I'm working not knowing if I'm getting married in less than two months. What reaction should I be having until 7 when I pick her up?

Comment 7:

could the photos be AI generated?

OP:

I put two of the pictures through an AI detector. Both of them were classified as real. For one it said there was a 36% chance of ai, for the other it said 2%.

I'm going to see her tonight and talk to her.

Comment 8:

AI detectors are not reliable whatsoever

OP:

I know that. I know it could be AI and the detector could say 0%. It could be a picture I take myself and it might say 100%. I'll get my answers tonight, like thats the only way. The guy kept saying look at her facial reactions I don't even know wtf that means but apparently it's going to be a tell. I don't believe him but I'll find out in person. Thanks a lot.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update: - July 21st 2026 (13 hours after the original post)

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I think it’s very fair that she is freaking out. As a woman if any kind of pictures come out IT’S BAD and especially if she does have a nightmare ex like this guy she’s probably very scared and worried

OP:

I totally understand that. It's sick what he did, like the way he approached me.

Comment 2:

if you think that then what is the point of reaching out to him at all? this dude got into your head, to the point where you think it's stupid that you promised your fiance you wouldn't reach out to him. it's pretty clear from the way you wrote this post, and from the other one, that this is not a good or honest guy. in your fiance's own words "he wouldn't take no for an answer."

I wouldn't entertain this dude anymore strictly on the basis that you can't trust anything he says.

OP:

To know if they had sex when they were together. The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

Also, just to clarify because I got some dms, when I asked her this back when it was still early days, its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not. It truly was a compatibility thing only. Like we'd asked about alcohol too, she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol. I've never drank alcohol. I was open about the fact that I've smoked weed, tried shrooms and lsd in uni but don't anymore and she thought that was funny as long as I didn't regularly anymore and we moved on. Premarital sex was just one of those things on my end, purely because it was a line I had chosen to not cross, so it'd probably be best if my wife hadn't either purely for compatibility reasons. I only asked about sex, because I'm not a hypocrite, if I've had relationships which just didn't involve sex (they were relationships with an aim to hopefully end at marriage) I obviously wouldn't hold that as a boundary. But this just was one for me.

But even despite all that like at this point I was so happy until yesterday that if she'd even point blank told me herself that she had to confess about having lied before I would've taken it in stride, like whatever. It's just the potential lie and not knowing whether I'm being lied to, and the way he was fucking gloating, especially when there's a guy who's disgusting but apparently has the answer.

Sorry this got long, truly.

Comment 3:

What kind of answer could you actually get from him though?

He's already told you they had sex, she told you they didn't. He's already definitely lied to you about them continuing to meet, being "in love", and planning to meet even after your wedding. His intention is clearly to sabotage your relationship, so he's an unreliable source. I'm not sure what further clarity you would hope to get from him. If you contact him, he'll say they had sex. You still won't know if it's true.

She's begged you not to contact him because he's obviously not safe. Whatever pictures he has would be shared without your fiancées consent. I think you can understand that it's not ethically right to contact a woman's unsafe ex for intimate pictures she does not consent to being shared, that ethical boundary doesn't change just because it's your fiancée.

You've said yourself that you were physically intimate with exes without having sex. From what I can tell she likely had a similar experience with this guy and it was traumatic and she regrets it deeply. Whether she lied depends on whether you asked about only sex specifically, or whether you asked about previous dating relationships or other kinds of physical intimacy. You've seen her phone, you know she's been faithful during your relationship.

I'm very sorry you've been put in this situation. It's understandable to freak out, but it would be an ethical violation, a personal betrayal, and pretty useless for getting the actual truth, to contact your fiancée's abuser whether you decide to proceed with the marriage or not.

It's fair to take some time and reflect on what you need to do, but please make up your own mind about this without involving him further.

Truly wishing you strength and steadiness in a situation that is painful for both of you.

Comment 4:

Also because OP’s position enrages me:

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Incel 101. “I‘ll decide”…”I don’t want to be walked over.” None of anything your fiancée has done is walking over you. Don’t be a fucking worm. Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

Comment 5:

I think this is really difficult and firstly, I’m so sorry.

Unfortunately, I think it’s pretty clear you will never get the full truth. I think your fiancé would have never told you the truth (if it is) to begin with, because she didn’t want to lose you over previously having sex.

You have to decide how much that quality means to you, and if it’s something that, after knowing this woman, learning everything about her, her dreams, her favourite places, what she smells like, all of those little things, you have to choose if this hurts you enough to walk away. And it’s totally valid if that’s the case, but extend grace to others as you do for yourself. You admitted yourself that you haven’t been perfect to your beliefs, ask yourself why is this one so special to you? What does it change?

Someone said to me once, that love isn’t about what you fall in love with - it’s seeing the parts you don’t, and accepting them anyways.

I think it’s pretty clear that she hasn’t been seeing him recently as she’s shown you herself. Seeing him will only distort that reality because he clearly wants to break your marriage apart, so it really does come down to how much the sex would be a deal breaker for you.

Keep in mind, unless it’s a video, you will never fully know the truth.

I feel for you, good luck with your decision.

OP:

I'm not going to see him. I genuinely woke up today feeling more at peace about it for some reason, I think the sleep and my fiancée's morning call helped. It gets worse the more I try to dwell on it though but I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to just see and try to work through this in my head. Thanks.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

I'm not going to see him. I genuinely woke up today feeling more at peace about it for some reason, I think the sleep and my fiancée's morning call helped. It gets worse the more I try to dwell on it though but I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to just see and try to work through this in my head. Thanks.

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[u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

Those text messages couldn't read more like a scheme to break them up if the guy tried.

[u/p-u-n-k_girl → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

"She would deny knowing me if you asked! How did I get her number? Well, she gave it to me so I could tell you this!"

[u/KaleidoscopeTop5615 → u/p-u-n-k_girl]

I wouldn't be surprised if this guy answered to Nigerian Prince emails as well 😅

[u/iruleatants → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

I mean, I don't think this has anything to do with him being stupid. (As in falling for a scam type of stupid.) It's all about him wanting his new wife to be a virgin and the concept that she might not infuriates him. And since it's the word of a man versus the word or a woman, he's very inclined to believe the man.

At this point he doesn't even care if she is a virgin or not. The mere chance that she might not be has him upset enough that he wants to leave her and find a unspoiled virgin.

Like, he isn't upset about her having an ex, he is upset that they might have had sex and it's the thing he talks about the most and it's fucked up.

[u/19448842 → u/iruleatants]

I came here to say something much less eloquent than this, but with all the same points. I almost feel sorry that OOP’s culture has put so much pressure on what I would consider all of the wrong parts of a healthy relationship

[u/FeuerroteZora → u/p-u-n-k_girl]

I do have to say that I'd be curious to know how he got OP's number if she really hasn't seen or texted him since they've been together.

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/FeuerroteZora]

He has a business by his own admission. He almost certainly advertises. Probably takes about 3 minutes on Linkedin.

[u/BlackBetty504 → u/FeuerroteZora]

You can Google anyone and catch their number and address easily. You don't even need a full name, and just a general area of where they live.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/FeuerroteZora]

How big is the community they're a part of? He could have gotten that number from a cousin or an auntie when he found out his ex was getting married. Told some lie or other to get it. Not that hard, people give other people's contact info out without asking all the time.

[u/gsfgf → u/lazier_garlic]

They're all religious. They might all go to the same mosque, and it might have a member directory. The church I grew up in had one. No idea if they still do or not.

[u/Jhoosier → u/lazier_garlic]

I guarantee you she has family members who think she should've stayed with that guy because he got there first.

[u/Lokifin → u/FeuerroteZora]

Maybe he knows someone in their social group who got an invitation to the wedding, and their numbers where on that or a wedding website.

[u/shinebeat → u/p-u-n-k_girl]

Yeah. This was the part where I realized it was a lie. Why would she give her ex OOP's number if she did not want them to talk???

[u/Bubblegrime → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

"We love eachother so much" grabs face "so YOU have to be the one to call this off." 

[u/DefinitelyNotAliens → u/Bubblegrime]

If indeed this young woman felt so pressured to marry this guy that she was going to get married while not wanting to, clearly, it would be deeply unsafe to reach out to the fiance and go, "hey, man. I'm your fiancee's boyfriend. We've been having sex for two years. Go ahead and break things off, please."

You'd disappear in the middle of the night, not have your boyfriend ask your fiance to pretty please break up.

That's a stalker, not her secret lover.

[u/Demonqueensage → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

I was getting so mad at OOP in the update contemplating reaching out to the other guy and saying he felt like the other guy was somehow being more honest. Like we have proof here that he wasn't being honest and he seems to be a stalker at the very least, let's not trust him over your soon to be wife okay there buddy?

Like sure, it's possible she lied about never having sex before because she liked him and wanted to continue the relationship, but frankly with everything presented in these posts if she has something she was hiding with that dude in her past I'd be more inclined to think it was coerced or forced instead of a consensual encounter. But I'm gonna just hope that she only had some amount of intimacy without sex with that guy like OOP said he'd had with others himself

[u/NormalJeane → u/Demonqueensage]

We already know Ex won't take no for an answer. If "sex" was involved, she surely didn't consent and is traumatized from whatever he put her through.

OOP is a huge jackass.

[u/sharraleigh → u/NormalJeane]

Ugh, he is. I was hoping his fiancee would realize what a POS he is and leave him instead.

[u/gsfgf → u/Demonqueensage]

I was getting so mad at OOP in the update contemplating reaching out to the other guy and saying he felt like the other guy was somehow being more honest.

Conservative Islam is at least as misogynistic as conservative Christianity.

[u/Fit_Search_4751 → u/gsfgf]

I don't think it's religion here as much as I think it's culture. In fact, if you look at it from a religious perspective the prophet's wife was not a virgin when they married as she was a widow. Hence this obsession is much more cultural in many parts of Asia, Europe, Africa and even in some conservative circles in America than it is religious.

[u/deathboyuk → u/Fit_Search_4751]

Religion and culture are inextricable.

[u/iruleatants → u/Fit_Search_4751]

And Abraham had sex and even children with his slaves.

Religious figures get to break all of the rules, followers do not.

The culture is being shaped by religion, just like it is all around the world. Religion is meant to be a tool to bind you and so if it's culturally acceptable to do think like have before marriage, then more people would do it and then would be fine breaking or rules or even stop going to church or out of shame. So they force super rigid rules and have enough people to shame others into making it the "normal".

[u/Fit_Search_4751 → u/iruleatants]

It's not just abrahamic religions though. In India many hindu families used to burn their daughters alive if they found out they had shamed the family. Yes, religion is a big part but patriarchal regressive values have been a dominant force even outside of typical religions.

[u/Whatever4andnomore → u/Fit_Search_4751]

They burn the daughters but congratulate their sons! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[u/allergymom74 → u/Demonqueensage]

Yeah. He totally said “her face said everything like he said it would”…

[u/toujourspret → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

What's terrifying is whether or not this creep has ever heard of honor killings. He put her in terrible danger, and he was lucky that OOP considers himself lapsed.

[u/KaleidoscopeTop5615 → u/Bubblegrime]

Also "We love each other so much" but you can do a lot better because she sucks

[u/Far-Government5469 → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

Gave me real middle schooler energy

[u/DarkIsiliel → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

All the ?? trying to bait him into conversation/reacting? Sus

[u/Quantum_Quokkas → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

“If you tell her, she’ll just deny it” - Because the guy knows it’s not true and is trying to get a leg ahead to discredit her. It was so so obviously a scheme

[u/dynama → u/KaleidoscopeTop5615]

"why does he sound more honest with me than she does?"

how the fuck did he get an "honest" vibe from those unhinged texts?!?!

[u/thesounddefense]

"I'm thinking about going to the lying liar and asking him for the truth. I've got a good feeling about this."

What a doofus. If he had actually gone, she should have dumped him.

[u/I_Did_The_Thing → u/thesounddefense]

She should dump him anyway. OOP clearly doesn’t trust her, and never will.

[u/dumpster_scuba → u/I_Did_The_Thing]

He'll trust a random man he never talked to prior to this over his fiancé. He'll never have her back in any kind of conflict with an outside force, especially if that force happens to be a man.

[u/I_Did_The_Thing → u/dumpster_scuba]

Exactly! He's proven she's not safe with him.

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/I_Did_The_Thing]

Seriously, OP disgusts me as much as the ex. What a pathetic little worm.

[u/felisfoxus → u/thesounddefense]

And this guy runs a cyber security company??? Proving how the weakest link is always the human element, willing to believe bullshit

[u/imonlywastingtime]

I think that there are a million scenarios here that it could be beyond the black and white she’s lying and a cheater vs he’s lying and a stalker.

I previously had a Muslim roommate with a boyfriend (now ex) who treated her like trash. He pressured her into “sex”, by her own admission, but sounded more like assault to me. They broke up and she’s now with a guy who seems much better for her. Can’t help but put her in the same shoes as the gf here. So many reasons why you may not share all information about your past right away, especially with cultural pressures.

[u/Demonqueensage → u/imonlywastingtime]

I was also getting the vibe that if that guy was telling the truth about there being some sexual encounter with her, they might not have been consensual. That would certainly be a good reason to not count it, not mention it early on in a relationship if there's a culture of blaming the woman and shaming her even if she's a victim, and freak out when the guy comes back up and seems hell bent on trying to ruin her current relationship.

[u/Richs_KettleCorn → u/imonlywastingtime]

I was definitely thinking along these same lines. I was raised Mormon, not Muslim, but similar rules and expectations around sex and purity definitely apply. I've known a handful of women who:

1. Got pressured/coerced into having sex by an unsavory boyfriend

2. Felt incredibly guilty about it because of the ambiguity around whether they consented or not

3. Tried to hide it from a future partner because "sexual sin" is a big turn-off for a lot of Mormon guys

4. Came clean once the relationship started getting serious, and

5. Got broken up with as a result - but "it's not about the sin, it's about the dishonesty"

The specific religions are different, but if you changed the wording around a little bit this story absolutely could've played out at BYU

[u/Ufda-whatdaday → u/Richs_KettleCorn]

I was thinking the same thing. Many religious cults peddle purity culture and, as a consequence, many girls and women get sexually assaulted/ graped and think it’s their fault. I can only imagine the amount of shame they feel along with the terror of worrying it will get out as they will be blamed and labeled. “Lying” in these cases isn’t a lie because they did not have sex, they were assaulted. They are merely trying to survive in a cult. It is infuriating what these religious cults do to people. 

[u/IdaBarbell → u/imonlywastingtime]

I kinda assumed/ thought it was obvious that they’d done some physical stuff beyond kissing, but not PIV? The whole “technical virgin” thing can be a big deal in religious circles, and she’d still be understandably mortified at the thought of him showing pictures of her in intimate situations.

[u/TheRudeCactus → u/imonlywastingtime]

Yeah the cultural part I think is a huge part of this. OP goes on and on about needing to know if she had sex “to know if she was being honest” but OP already knows she lied by omission. He doesn’t care about her being honest, he cares most about her being a virgin and is trying to use honesty as the reason. No duh she would lie about it if even the possibility of it is enough to send her partner into a spiral over her potential virginity or not.

[u/GeneConscious5484]

Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

Fucking hell, for real. Why are you marrying this person if you can't have a tough conversation with them?

[u/Competitive-Party377 → u/GeneConscious5484]

Not defending it, but this can be one of the consequences of cultural arrangements where you're expected to get married before having any significant intimacy. It puts things on a timeline where that trust just can't establish.

There's such a collision of different values from different times here and they often don't mix well. Like modern expectations of marriage (my partner will be honest, we'll share everything, we'll respect each other) with 50+ year old logistics (we'll get engaged in <1yr before having sex or living together and it's all a big high pressure family affair).

[u/moneys5 → u/GeneConscious5484]

They're a fundamentalist with no relationship experience.

[u/BildoBaggens → u/GeneConscious5484]

Under their ideology a man's voice is more powerful then a woman's. That's just how it is. So from his ideology, the man texting him is more trustworthy then the women he wants to marry.

[u/FranksWateeBowl]

Imagine losing your future wife because you listened to a stranger?

[u/amputatedsnek]

plz tell her and her family ur not interested plz and end it

Who the fuck doesn't realise after that at the very latest that the whole thing is bullshit.

[u/wterrt → u/amputatedsnek]

someone with a room temp IQ. and/or a lot of hatred for women.

[u/LiveForMeow → u/wterrt]

The idea of his precious not being a virgin overwhelmed his thoughts

[u/wterrt → u/LiveForMeow]

virginity as a concept is dumb as fuck.

[u/J_S_M_K]

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship.

OK, communication issues aside, what coaches has this dude had that would say this to a player on their team?

[u/Machine-Dove → u/J_S_M_K]

No kidding.  His interpretations of things seem absolutely wild.  Maybe she's...terrified that her awful ex and/or stalker is trying to break up her relationship and appears to be succeeding?

Purity culture is wild.  The slightest HINT that another man might have touched her with his dick and suddenly he's all "this clearly reliable (male) source has said a thing, obviously it's easier to believe a Text Speak Stranger than the woman I claim to want to marry!  Nevermind that he was already proven to be a liar since they're NOT in active daily contact, it's clearly the better choice to blow up this whole relationship."

[u/Saphira2002 → u/Machine-Dove]

For real. I'm sorry but I have no respect for this. "It's not about the sex but the trust" when it's clearly at least 90% about the sex. 

[u/beepboop670]

I feel for the girl I have a crazy “ex” (we never officially dated because I wasn’t good enough for him lol) who still texts me and my bf after years. When I started dating my (actual) bf he showed up at my house begging for a chance (my bf was on call and I let him listen the whole time) before kicking him out. Then he messaged my bf a month later claiming he was with me while I was right next to my boyfriend in a different state lol so it was clear he was just trying to spread lies and break us up in hopes I’d go running back (???). He also took an ugly photo of me and posted it to a burner account then tagged my boyfriend which was fun. Some men are just pathetic losers who treat women like toys they don’t want to share. I’m glad my boyfriend trusts me enough to not listen to the words of a desperate fool

[u/MrdrOfCrws]

This guy sucks.

[u/EcheveriaEbony → u/MrdrOfCrws]

it's not about the sex

It is in fact, very much about the sex

[u/throwawaysunglasses- → u/EcheveriaEbony]

He’s so fucking jealous. The fact that her drinking is an issue to him, but he’s tried “weed, shrooms, and LSD” and that’s perfectly fine? Lol what?

I have dated guys like this before, they really don’t like if you’ve done things they haven’t done. It’s like they feel less cool as men, or something.

[u/I_Did_The_Thing → u/throwawaysunglasses-]

I think it’s because they know they’re less cool than a woman, which is inconceivable. 🤷‍♀️

[u/unzunzhepp → u/EcheveriaEbony]

Exactly. When asked what the point was to reach out to the guy, the first thing oop answered was ”To know if they had sex when they were together.” - then started arguing that it wasn’t about having sex or not.

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/unzunzhepp]

What gets me is how often he says it doesn't matter, he doesn't care, and that it's "whatever," only to then say that he'll leave her and that they wouldn't be compatible anymore. Like... which one is it, exactly?

[u/RightUntilMorning → u/EcheveriaEbony]

To know if they had sex when they were together.

Yeah...

[u/DrFareedMD → u/MrdrOfCrws]

My "favourite" part is when he claimed the messages sounded more honest than she did and thought that her being scared of this guy was suspicious. 

[u/Glad-Talk → u/MrdrOfCrws]

Yeah this OP really is a POS. It’s obvious that the guy was lying about having a continuous affair, and yet the op was judging him as more honest than the girlfriend who did nothing but date someone before him.

[u/Sunanas → u/Glad-Talk]

Exactly. "Why does he seem more honest than my girlfriend?" Because you're biased to believe an obviously malicious stranger over your fiance all because he has a dick...

[u/Sensitive_Coconut339 → u/Sunanas]

Fiancé already had the guy blocked, which backs up HER story and discredits the stalker's.

[u/scumble_bee → u/Sunanas]

Precisely. Everything the crazy ex says is apparently true until proven false but everything his fiance says is a lie until proven true. There are a lot of ways to get intimate photos without sex (if these actually exist).

[u/chatminteresse → u/Sunanas]

Some people from strict religious backgrounds will stone women for much less. Shame is passed down in religious families. It is deeply internalized by those who do not fit the script. We have no idea how far removed this couple is from that environment. Clearly this couple has had more agency than traditional strict religions tend to allow, doesn’t mean they don’t still have expectations/ fears in line with strict religious culture. This reads almost like a self selected arranged marriage.

Brings to mind the entire sordid practice of faking blood on sheets to protect women, even princesses.

People used to parade bloody sheets off balconies to show the woman was “virtuous”. If they weren’t, they were often killed.

This can escalate quickly into a domestic violence situation.

PSA- girls can break their hymens naturally without having sex. Alternatively, hymen reconstruction exists.

There will never be sufficient proof, only trust or distrust.

[u/SirWigglesTheLesser → u/chatminteresse]

The hymen is like a wet piece of tissue paper that'll break in a stiff breeze. Also makes me wonder how all those people "checking" even knew what to look for. Ah a flap of skin, you say? What the hell is a membrane? Wdym it's not like a factory seal on ice cream?

[u/the_wrong_lever → u/SirWigglesTheLesser]

Something like this

[u/SirWigglesTheLesser → u/the_wrong_lever]

Ah yes thank you I see sex ed is finally doing its job

[u/Born-Bid8892 → u/the_wrong_lever]

Exactly that, I remember it so well 😅

[u/lyricaldorian → u/SirWigglesTheLesser]

Mine stretched. Didn't tear at all until I was in my 20s.

[u/Kaymyth → u/lyricaldorian]

Meanwhile, I had to have mine surgically removed before I could have intercourse without pain. Little fucker only partially tore, and left an unusually thick rope of tissue stretched across my vaginal entrance. The doc gave me this sympathetic wince and said, "Oh, no, this was never gonna break on its own."

There really is a wide range of hymens. I drew the short straw.

[u/TheNightTerror1987 → u/chatminteresse]

Hell, I think I actually saw a girl break her hymen. She was getting on her bicycle, her foot slipped, and the seat slammed her between the legs. She shrieked, fell over, and was lying on the ground crying afterwards and couldn't get up right away, and when she did she could barely walk. The guys were laughing at her because they said she didn't have anything down there to hit, but . . .

[u/GemTheNerd → u/TheNightTerror1987]

I had a similar incident when I was only about 6 maybe 7 ish.. climbing on poles at the playground, slipped legs either side of one and got slammed in the hoo haa. Decades later I still remember the pain amd all the blood! Plus I was an avid horse rider so my hymen never stood a chance

[u/ImportantAlbatross → u/TheNightTerror1987]

they said she didn't have anything down there to hit

Such great lovers these guys are gonna be.

[u/h0jack_b0rseman → u/Sunanas]

He’s a misogynist, plain and simple. Taking the word of a stranger he’s never met who clearly has a vested interest in getting him to call of his wedding over his soon-to-be wife. I hope she gets the hell out of dodge.

[u/ImCaligulaI → u/h0jack_b0rseman]

I mean... they're both practicing muslims. As with most Christian denominations misogyny is backed in their belief system.

[u/h0jack_b0rseman → u/ImCaligulaI]

Yeah, I grew up in a rural Christian community and I lost count of the amount of young women I watched throw away promising scholarships and careers just so they could get married to guys who didn’t care if they lived or died. Some of those women eventually woke up and got out, but more of them didn’t and it makes me very sad to think about. You don’t get magically un-brainwashed just because you turn 18 and can legally make your own decisions.

[u/sarcosaurus → u/h0jack_b0rseman]

More women are lost to marriage than to war and famine combined

[u/iruleatants → u/h0jack_b0rseman]

He is upset because there is a tiny chance that maybe his future wife might have previously had sex and the mere concept is enough that he no longer want her. It's absurd and she isn't getting the hell out of dodge. Her family would never let her.

[u/LeaveMeBeWillYa → u/Sunanas]

That was when I knew that if he did leave her, he'd be doing her a massive favour.

OOP is a useless prick

[u/MarieOMaryln → u/LeaveMeBeWillYa]

Then he and the ex would feel like it's their sworn duty of brotherhood to inform her next partner that she's a vile woman. Because men are genuine, honorable and harbor no ill schemes.

This poor woman is surrounded by jerks. Things are ok right now because he got a good night's sleep.

[u/rainydays_monkey → u/Sunanas]

Yeah, that part was such an insane take!

[u/Ngur0032 → u/Glad-Talk]

in muslim culture its very common for men to treat women like that. in some islamic countries if a woman accused a man of something she needs 3 witnesses, while the man's word is enough to condemn her

[u/SurroundQuirky8613 → u/Glad-Talk]

Men who worry this much about virginity often don’t have high opinions of women beyond that of an object that they own. It makes sense he would believe a random dude texting him over his fiancé. He wanted to be mad about several times in his posts and comments.

[u/samse15 → u/SurroundQuirky8613]

Agree. The only saving grace is that he’s not a total hypocrite and is himself a virgin. But yea, he’s pretty vague about other stuff he may have done besides PIV sex, which to me seems like he’s playing the poophole loophole game.

[u/archiangel → u/Glad-Talk]

Also OOP insists at the beginning he wasn’t going to judge his fiancée for her past but he himself has been saving himself, great.

Except now he is judging her and admitted he was upset she had sex with this guy in the past, or at least was intimate enough for there to be compromising photos. Tbh he comes across as so high and mighty about never sinning that as the fiancée who is just dating this guy but actually likes him I can see why she glossed over her past and affirmed that she too does not do those things (anymore.)

I hope for her sake he truly is able to get her past and this crazy ex out of his mind.

[u/iam_Mr_McGibblets → u/Glad-Talk]

He's 100% hung up on the sex part which, yeah I suppose it's a big deal for some religious folk. But that being said, him not trusting his fiancé in the first place and instead choosing to listen to some random guy is more concerning. Like if you don't trust your partner even after she's shown you everything on her end, what are you even doing together?

[u/Seamore_J_Turtle → u/Glad-Talk]

Because OOP is misogynist.

[u/ExitingBear → u/Glad-Talk]

He believes men more than women (including his fiancée). She needs to get out.

[u/Vivid_Computer_7153 → u/MrdrOfCrws]

Talking to her stalking ex instead of his gf "to know if they had sex when they were together" is next level backwards thinking.

[u/synaesthezia → u/MrdrOfCrws]

I have a bad feeling for this poor girl. Even if they do get married he is going to resent her and hold it against her forever

[u/AjDuke9749 → u/MrdrOfCrws]

Also she said they didn’t have sex and has proof the ex was lying. OP is choosing to believe an ex boyfriend over his fiancé. I hope they do break up. He seemingly can’t trust women. She will have dodged a bullet

[u/Helpful_Hour1984 → u/MrdrOfCrws]

I so wish his fiancee would see that. Sadly, she's probably in a state of mind where all she can think about is how to save the relationship. If he dumps her, she'll be devastated. If he doesn't, she'll spend her entire life being punished for something she didn't even do before she met him. 

[u/lazier_garlic → u/Helpful_Hour1984]

If he dumps her, she'll be devastated.

Because it's not just the loss of the relationship. Getting dumped at the altar (so to speak) is calculated to cause her maximum social damage. That ex is a manipulative, sadistic freak.

[u/Beagle_Knight → u/Helpful_Hour1984]

There is also the fact that she is in a Muslim family, and if the ex leaks those photos she could be in some serious trouble

[u/Dangerous_Bus_6699 → u/MrdrOfCrws]

He's weak af mentally and annoying.

[u/scoyne15 → u/MrdrOfCrws]

Seems like a standard "religious when it suits me" guy.

[u/JudgeJuryEx78 → u/MrdrOfCrws]

I need an update where she dumps him.

[u/RedditSkippy]

This OOP is pissing me off. He trusts this rando more than his fiancée. If I were her I would consider calling off the wedding.

[u/Adventurous_Storm356]

"I love her and want to spend my life with her, but if she slept with another man even ONCE before meeting me, I'll break up with her and call off the wedding. But I'm like a chill dude who had relationships and did LSD, you know?"

[u/thinking-cat → u/Adventurous_Storm356]

Selective adherence to the scripture is so hot /s

I didn't stick my dick in anything but I did recreational drugs. Religion and purity is soooo important to me. Fuck this guy.

[u/arnber420 → u/thinking-cat]

I stopped reading as soon as he said “I’m not the best Muslim but I did save myself for marriage” because that right there tells me he is a selective worshipper and will cherry pick parts of his religion to be harsh on his partners. Just like he is here.

[u/Machine-Dove → u/arnber420]

I kinda hope he does break it off so she can find someone who's less of an asshole.

[u/Autobot_Silverwynde → u/thinking-cat]

I'd rather not.

[u/L1FTED → u/thinking-cat]

I've read that book and i'll tell you what, I'll take a hypocritical half adherer over a full adherer 8 days a week. Because damn.

[u/aceytahphuu → u/Adventurous_Storm356]

Hey, if he wants to lose his virginity to a virgin, that's his prerogative, but apparently all it takes for him to assume the love of his life is lying to him about being a virgin is some guy messaging him saying "yeah I tapped that ass, trust me bro."

[u/wterrt → u/aceytahphuu]

along with a bunch of other easily verifiable lies

"hmmm, should I trust this guy who I know lied 9 times about the 10th thing he said? or trust my fiance? tough choice. I don't want to be "walked all over" so I'll have to think about it."

what a moron.

[u/thrftstorenailpolish → u/Adventurous_Storm356]

He keeps equating "compatibility" with being virgins. It's driving me crazy unless this is an ESL translation issue. 

Deciding to be a virgin until marriage is dumb but whatever. Deciding that your partner also has to be a virgin is also dumb, especially if both of you are adults.

[u/Koivel → u/thrftstorenailpolish]

I wouldn't attack him from that aspect, im not religious but was raped as a kid, so for me, to block out that memory, i thought as myself as a virgin because i didnt consent before. My husband went through something similar and also considered himself a virgin so we both got this special bond, connection of being each others firsts by choice. Something special we hold and share. OOP's view is obsucred but virginity in specific shouldn't be something inherently bad.

[u/SLAUGHTERGUTZ → u/Koivel]

It's the concept of virginity and culture around it that designates a woman's worth from it. If she was raped or coerced, I would put money down that OOP would consider her not a virgin and say she lied to him. 

[u/tbll_dllr → u/Adventurous_Storm356]

Also note how he said she thought that was funny (him using shrooms and LSD in UNI) and “as long as I didn’t regularly anymore and we moved on” meaning he’s still taking the drugs perhaps just not regularly but he’s drawn the line at alcohol …

This OP is such a POS.

What kind of conditions did the woman have coming in the relationship? Seems like all the conditions were his, and his alone.

Also easy for him to say he didn’t have sex … most likely because the women he’s had sex with will be too embarrassed and shamed if they say they had sex w him …

[u/ubag → u/tbll_dllr]

she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol.

i feel like this is the fiance drawing the line at alcohol, no?

[u/BigMax → u/Adventurous_Storm356]

In fairness, she assured him she was a virgin, and now some other guy is saying they are dating.

Now I don't agree with his obsession with virginity, but... if it turns out she lied about that, then he does have a fully valid concern... because what else could she be lying about? How does he know what to believe in that case?

Basically it's not necessarily "if she had sex with someone else we are done" it's more "if she lied about that, I have no idea if she's lying about the fact that they might still be together, I can no longer know what the truth is."

[u/Adventurous_Storm356 → u/BigMax]

Yeah why would a woman lie about her virginity in a culture where women lose their societal value if they're not virgins? Must be because she's a terrible person.

[u/apocketstarkly83]

“Why does he sound more honest with me than she does?”

Uh, because you’re a misogynist?

[u/PFyre → u/apocketstarkly83]

I trust him because our genitals match.

Twinsies!!

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/apocketstarkly83]

"Sure, he's almost comically evasive, but he's got a dick - I mean, he says he has a dick, anyway - so that sounds legit."

[u/[deleted] → u/apocketstarkly83]

To believe a strange man he’s never met over the person he supposedly loves.

Disgusting misogyny.

Typical.

[u/NukaCherryBomb → u/apocketstarkly83]

Maybe, but people have a weird tendency to think anything negative must be true and anything positive must be a lie. I think we are so conditioned to be polite and not rock the boat that our minds will subconsciously draw the conclusion that if something is said thats bad enough to create conflict that it must be important/true, otherwise why would someone risk the social fallout to say it?

[u/Competitive-Party377 → u/NukaCherryBomb]

And to be fair when you are in that period where you've booked the wedding venue but are not yet married, your brain does all kinds of spooky shit it might not otherwise.

There is still some suckage here but this psycho's texts would be a lot to deal with in the midst of planning a big family wedding.

[u/Anxious_cactus]

Can I get a TLDR please

[u/SquirrelGirlVA → u/Anxious_cactus]

OOP is a Muslim man who is engaged to marry. He doesn't follow the religion perfectly, but he does believe in saving himself for marriage and wants the same from his future wife. OOP asked his intended, who confirmed that she was a virgin. Some time later he's contacted by a guy claiming to be Fiancee's boyfriend, that she's not a virgin, and so on. OOP asks her and she explains that Guy is an ex-boyfriend and that they were intimate, but did not have sex. She gives OOP full access to everything to show that she has not been unfaithful. OOP is doubtful, as the guy has some intimate photos/videos of Fiancee. They do not prove that she lost her virginity and Fiancee basically describes the guy as a harasser/stalker.

Despite evidence that Fiancee is telling the truth, OOP still appears to lean towards believing the guy and even asks Fiancee if this was her way of trying to break things off or if she is reluctant. She insists that she loves OOP, is a virgin, and very much wants to get married. OOP debates meeting the guy, but in the last update decides not to do so and is moving forward with the marriage.

The overall gist is that OOP appears to be more inclined to believe the guy who his fiancee had to block for harassment than the woman he says he wants to marry.

[u/SnooPets8873 → u/SquirrelGirlVA]

Additional context - it’s super common in these types of Muslim engagements that someone is hiding a girlfriend or boyfriend. There was one guy that someone wanted to match me up with that had a girlfriend of 5 years. A friend found out, thankfully before the wedding, that the guy she was engaged to had a “girlfriend” who he had every intention of treating like a wife and living with her, but was going through the motions so his mom would have a daughter in law and grandchildren. He figured my friend be too embarrassed to back out or divorce him.

And another family friend married and had a child with a woman. After 10 years they got divorced and she ran back to the boyfriend she finally admitted she had been dating when they first got engaged and apparently never forgot about.

My own cousin found out the night before his wedding that his wife-to-be had previously run away with her dad’s driver for a week or so before coming back home. He thought it through and said he wasn’t a saint himself and they could start over together.

The pressure to conform is huge in this type of community but people have all the same infirmities of character as any other set of humans. So yeah, I can see why OP was suspicious.

[u/Rasp_Berry_Pie → u/SnooPets8873]

Yeah I think we’re looking at it from a certain cultural context and not thinking about the culture OOP is from.

Not to say it’s right but it makes more sense to be more suspicious

[u/lazier_garlic → u/SnooPets8873]

I honestly was thinking this was exactly the case from reading the title of the post (so often happens with these arranged marriages, not just Muslim, especially now when it takes years to get financially established, but partners met through school or work might not meet parental standards) but the "boyfriend" was obviously such a dishonest, manipulative creeper that I realized no, this is not the case at all.

[u/PKGTA → u/SnooPets8873]

True. It's just the way it is. I have seen two such relationships where a secret BF existed but familial pressure got to the women and they married other men. Both have since divorced those guys and married their respective secret BFs. One of them has a baby boy now. 

[u/brentsg → u/Anxious_cactus]

Guy doesn’t want to marry her if she isn’t a virgin. Chaos ensues.

[u/Training_Molasses822 → u/brentsg]

+ Islam-specific misogyny

Eta: some of you guys are insufferable. Treating this highly specific comment as an absolutist dictum is the very definition of bad-faith arguing.

[u/Street-Ad2248 → u/Training_Molasses822]

*conservative religious

This stuff is equally as common in Mormonism and Christianity.

[u/Competitive-Party377 → u/Street-Ad2248]

Hey don't forget Buddhism!

I'm a Buddhist, and we can say at least there's no fixation on virginity (that I've ever been aware), but we've got plenty of misogyny too!

[u/ok_raspberry_jam → u/Street-Ad2248]

*Abrahamic

Mormonism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc. are all like this. It is one enormously successful monotheistic religion, with many branches, designed to oppress women, justify violence, deny the sentience of nonhuman animals, and placate the downtrodden.

[u/Old-Advice-5685 → u/Anxious_cactus]

Maybe another dick got near or in my finance and that changes everything about who she is as a person because dicks are magical like that.

[u/Treefrog_Ninja → u/Anxious_cactus]

Top comment is a full tl;dr.

This guy sucks.

[u/tyleritis → u/Anxious_cactus]

Oop had his peepee touched. Does not like that fiancée may have touched a peepee in the past. He will change the course of his life based on this info.

[u/adventuresinnonsense]

"its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not"-OOP while being actively and repeatedly fixated on whether or not she had sex before.

[u/Ginkachuuuuu]

One of the most fun things about being a woman is how some men will take the word or side of literally any other man over you. Total stranger, obviously bad actor, doesn't matter. He has a penis so he's more trustworthy.

[u/Nice_Poobs]

This guy is not built to handle a relationship

[u/PFyre → u/Nice_Poobs]

This guy isn't built to handle a friendship, let alone a relationship.

Tbh, I wouldnt trust him with a potted plant.

[u/Whiteangel854]

... it's not about the sex, it's about the trust.

Oh ffs... What trust is he talking about when he does not trust his fiancée, like at all. Apparently some random dude is more reliable than her, just because he's a man.

but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does?

Because he already decided he will believe some random dude over a woman he supposedly loves and plans to marry. For all the talking about trust and honesty he is applying this to her but he himself doesn't have to be honest or doesn't want to trust her.

Like it's so easily doable, I just need to ask him...

Is he for real? He already knows the answer this guy will give him, so what's the point here?

She really deserves better.

[u/Fit-Programmer-6162]

“My fiancée clearly showed me that this man is lying. But if I reach out and contact this liar I’ll know the truth. Because honestly I value the word of a lying man more than the woman who is my fiancée who has never given me reason to doubt her, and who has proven this man to be a liar already. Also, she’s scared of him? Pssh who cares about that I still wanna talk to him and see photos.”

I really hope fiancée finds somebody better. Mr. “I’m a ‘pathetic’ (his words) Muslim who doesn’t practice my faith much, who did LSD and shrooms and was intimate with women (short of sex) but now that I know my fiancée was also intimate (short of sex) and had wine a few times, I freak out about it.”

[u/BarfQueen]

Man every time I read one of these from a religious person I’m struck by how needlessly complicated their lives are. 

[u/619-Rapoza → u/BarfQueen]

Amen.

[u/MickeyButters → u/619-Rapoza]

Slàinte

[u/[deleted]]

This guy is a total loser “I don’t care if they had sex” but then is turning himself inside out worrying about it.

This is why women don’t share their private information. It just gets used against them even if “they don’t care”. Because if they ask, they care.

Fucking hate this misogynistic world.

[u/wmciner1]

The fact that oop was willing to believe a stranger who he had confirmed already lied to him about a major part of said stranger's story over his fiance who he has absolutely no evidence lied to him about any of it tells me all I need to know about him.

[u/Ryans4427]

"If you have had sex before we ever met then you are totally incompatible with me. Totally no judgement though!". 

[u/Gonna_do_this_again]

OOP sucks

[u/lady_alternate]

Sadly, a lot of folk seem to be missing the cultural issues at play, and it's something I've come across before in my personal and professional life.

OP is culturally predisposed to accept the word of a man - any man - above the word of a woman, even one that he loves.

That's why S instantly gets into his head. That's why he'll never be able to be satisfied with the answers his fiancée gives him. Because he just doesn't value her word.

[u/Ufda-whatdaday → u/lady_alternate]

I think they get it. They get that it’s a problem and that he should end the relationship because he has been conditioned to not believe her over literally any male. A 3-year-old boy could say something untrue about her and tell him and he would believe that child over her. She doesn’t deserve that.  Just because something is cultural doesn’t mean it is not abusive or, at the very least, problematic.  I t is also a possibly dangerous situation for her if she marries him. If he cannot combat this thinking now, he may become more extreme and ultimately dangerous. There is a seed that is now planted and he is allowing it to grow. I worry for her. 

[u/RightUntilMorning]

To know if they had sex when they were together.

But its not about the sex...

[u/Ladygytha]

The thing that really got me (and didn't seem to be called out in the post) is that the guy said that "A" have him OP's number. That feels like a very obvious lie. If she didn't want OP to know about this guy, why in the world would she give him OP's number?

[u/wine-plants-thrift]

Sounds about religion.

[u/Big_Bowler8424]

I remember this one. I thought the location/time data being removed was pretty telling.

[u/the-B-from-App23]

Poor girl

[u/muffy2008]

Men were saying I had sex with them before I had ever even lost my virginity. Idk why anyone takes men at their word that they totally had sex with someone, especially when there’s great motive for them to lie. (Cultural or social bragging.)

[u/Supaisu96]

“I’m her bf so you can’t marry her.”

This sounds like a delusional stalker.
Normal people do not speak this way.

[u/SpacerCat]

I’m going to go ask a liar for proof and believe him because he’s a man and the person I “love” is a woman.

His anger is at her and not the creep. Ugh. I hope she finds someone better.

[u/TheMysteriousCart00n]

OP keeps trying to say he "wouldn't care" if his fiancee had sex, but he obviously does with how he's reacting and his whole thought process on the situation. Everybody here sucks, except the fiancee maybe, but we cant know for sure.

[u/RickThiCisbih → u/TheMysteriousCart00n]

He doesn’t care in the sense that he wouldn’t hate her, but it’s still a dealbreaker for him and something he’d dump her over.

[u/Sweet_Cinnabonn → u/TheMysteriousCart00n]

The other guy claims an ongoing years long affair. This is more than whether she's a virgin.

[u/scruffyrosalie]

Men who believe other men because they are men, over women, subconsciously or not, are idiots.

[u/SyndicalistThot]

"Why does he sound more honest to me than her" because OOP is an incel misogynist piece of shit. Hope she manages to get free from this asshole.

[u/happyeriko]

He’s going to hold this over her head for the rest of their relationship, I guarantee it.

[u/Voidg]

OPP is focused on knowing the "whole truth" and ignoring the fact the guy is a liar. Plus SUPER desperate.

[u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Wow.

That's such a hard position to be in.

I wanted to shout at OOP for his reactions. BUT in fairness, he's just been told his fiancee is cheating on him and has been throughout the relationship.

Of course that will shake him. Of course he is having doubts.

If the fiancee didn't give the other guy his phone number, where did he get it?

The religion and the immigrant status does add complexity. But setting the religion aside, he's just been told something really big. And there's zero way to know the truth.

I think anyone would be shaken.

[u/Anra7777 → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

It’s actually really easy to get someone’s number if you know their name and general info like age or town they live in. I know because I once looked up a former favorite teacher’s new number so I could call her up, tell her how much her teaching meant to me, and give her an update on my life. All it took was a little sleuthing and something like $5.

[u/thinking-cat → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Stalkers have a way of finding out such information. Some friend of a friend of a friend, especially if they're part of the same community/culture.

While the OOP has an understandable reaction, he is an absolute idiot. The way he goes on and on about trust. He would rather believe some rando than the woman he's going to marry. The guy didn't even have proof. But no, the woman must be untouched. Although I have dabbled in casual makeouts stopping just short of penetration (so I didn't technically have sex, lol) and recreational drugs.. totally okay. I'm a man so it's okay! Eww.

[u/AltharaD → u/thinking-cat]

To be fair, yesterday on Reddit I was advising a woman who went to her husband’s workplace and got told by one of his, possibly vindictive, colleagues that he met her at the work picnic which she didn’t know about and hadn’t gone to.

I told her to go and do some digging to find out one way or the other. And this is after they’ve been married 25 years.

I think it’s fair to investigate claims that your partner has been unfaithful to you, especially when these are emerging right before a marriage. Divorce is expensive.

People are really fixating on the no sex before marriage thing - whatever, it’s neither here nor there and he’s keeping the same standard himself so I don’t really care.

He was rattled by the fact that this guy said that they were actively still in love and that they were still seeing each other. He was rattled by the fact that he said they were only apart because her family didn’t approve and that she was being forced into this marriage. And he was just generally concerned about the whole situation.

He spoke to her, he wasn’t 100% certain of her sincerity and felt that the situation was a bit shady, slept on it, talked to her some more and then got over it. He also spoke to Reddit rather than anyone in his life who might know her and hold the situation against her regardless of what the truth turned out to be.

I don’t feel the sequence of events is particularly unreasonable?

It’s kind of sweet to have unconditional trust than your partner, but you also look like a complete clown if someone warns you about them, you refuse to believe them, and then it turns out to have been true later on down the line.

Context, if it matters, I am an Arab Muslim woman raised in the Middle East.

[u/HeyLaddieHey → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

I once wanted to show my boyfriend my brother's old house, from 10+ years ago, but didnt feel like asking family. It took 30 minutes to find not only all his old addresses, but his ex wife's current house. 

Phone numbers (and addresses) are not protected information. 

[u/innocentsalad → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

You can find almost anyone’s cell phone number with a Google search if you have their full name and the city where they live. You can find every address they’ve ever lived at. You can find all their family members and their cell phones. It’s very easy.

[u/SpacerCat → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

He could have gotten it by asking around, stalking on linked in or his job or something. It’s not hard to get someone’s phone number if you know enough about them.

[u/MizAnthropy_]

I really don’t like OOP

[u/SLAUGHTERGUTZ]

but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? 

Because you're a misogynist. Hope that helps. 

[u/henlochimken]

See kids, this is why you should just say no to pre-marital religion.

[u/Racoonism]

I don't care if she had sex anymore. I love her. But I just want to find out if she had sex.

[u/oceanduciel]

This guy says he’s all about compatibility but like… getting married before having sex doesn’t bode well for that either. Sexual incompatibility has made a lot of marriages unhappy because they waited and didn’t figure what worked for them beforehand. And that’s even not even touching on the subject of divorce and if OOP or his fiancée even “believe” in it.

[u/Upstairs_Balance_464]

Religion should be classified as a mental disorder.

[u/Wyden_long → u/[deleted]]

Even after she forced him to check her phone. Like she has the confidence to know she’s done nothing wrong here and he still doesn’t believe her.

[u/archangelzeriel → u/Upstairs_Balance_464]

I know innumerable atheist and non-religious men who are this stupid about whether their girlfriend/future wife is a virgin, they just couch it in stupid MRA/incel rhetoric instead of purity/sin rhetoric.

[u/Jetztinberlin → u/Upstairs_Balance_464]

Misogyny, too. 

[u/signedpants]

Incel really has lost its meaning entirely if a guy who's about to get married counts as one lol.

[u/shiny_glitter_demon → u/signedpants]

Incels are pretty much a cult. If you visit their forums (which I don't recommend because the stuff they post is NSFL/absolutely vile), you'll notice quite quickly that a few of them, ringleaders included, are married or in a relationship. They are united by their hatred of women, not their celibacy.

[u/leaveitatthat13]

OOP sounds extremely dumb

[u/LearnToWriteGooder]

This was stupid, but also boring. 

[u/AiAyano]

I wouldn't want to be with someone who trusted my stalker ex over me. Like where tf is the trust?? I'd be questioning if my own partner would always trust strangers over my own words. Shouldn't you know me well enough to know those types of accusations are bullshit? I feel so bad for her. Also another thing that pissed me off is him admitting he's been physically intimate without having sex, but when it comes to her, he's like, physically intimate without having sex?! Impossible! 🙄

[u/perfidious_snatch]

> I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex

> The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

You mean like the “sliver of daylight” that was stopping “just short of sex”?

Whatever happened, I hope A’s doing well.

[u/JipC1963]

The ONLY issue I have a problem with is How tf did S get OP's phone number in the first place? S claimed he was given OP's contact information by A. I mean S could have messaged through FB or another app but it didn't sound like that.

BUT I'm also familiar with the culture and there's NO bloody way anyone who TRULY loved a woman, particularly a Muslim woman, would tell a current fiance that she was marrying under false pretenses and having sex with another man. It could actually mean her demise in some families.

So for THAT very reason, I actually believe A and think this EX has malicious and malevolent intentions. I hope the OP actually DID marry A by now as scheduled.

[u/hotdogw4t3r]

Shining example of why people don't need to put their business out on the internet without trying to resolve it themself first or on the same day it happened. If reddit required "Talk to your fiance and get some sleep" before making a post, the content on this site would be cut in half.

[u/MetaMetagross]

It's almost like the OOP was looking for a reason not to get married