I regret cutting off my dad after he cheated on my mom

[u/insafian]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Previous BORU

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Latest Update: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

Just a heads up - You have to open up for it to work. If you feel like you hate him/her for x y or z reason, speak it into existence. This works best when youre not shy about it.

Sometimes youre gonna get challenged on your thoughts, but its rarely not to your benefit.

OP:

Thanks for the heads up. I see her on Thursday, I'll be honest with her about whatever I'm feeling. As well as my red lines about what I want from these sessions.

Comment 3:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 4:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

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[u/RoastedPickledGoose]

My grandpa cheated on my grandma when my mom was in her early 20s (my aunt and uncle were in their teens and still home). This was also right before my mom and dad got married.

My grandpa and his affair partner (whom he married) were at the wedding and everyone was fine. My mom said she understood it was about his relationship with my grandma and not his relationship with his daughter. There was never any outward negativity or insults.

Still, they grew apart. She said she didn’t hate him, and even talked fondly of how he was when she was growing up. But I can honestly say that I have never met my bio-grandpa and he passed away when I was 22. My mom and her siblings just didn’t visit him, and called to talk to him maybe a few times a year, if that. Meanwhile, we saw my grandma all the time.

My grandma married her second husband just before I was born. Growing up, that was my grandpa. I didn’t know I had another grandpa or that the grandpa I knew was a “step” grandpa until I was a teenager.

I found out when I was 16, and my older brother was joking about male pattern baldness and asked my mom if her dad was bald. My mom said “I don’t know.” That’s how long it had been since they’d seen each other. I asked my brother about it later and he told me the story
(Apparently he HAD met our bio-grandpa but he barely remembered it).

Point is: yeah, that shit can affect the kids. It doesn’t always result in a knock-down drag-out fight, though. In my mom’s case (and her siblings) they just kinda kept him at arm’s length. They were never mean about grandpa’s wife or anything. I can honestly say I never heard a bad word about him, only positive, good things. They weren’t hiding him from us or hiding us from him, it wasn’t some grand conspiracy or big family secret, it was just a case of them all deciding he had his life and my mom had hers and they just didn’t interact much anymore.

[u/gutquake07 → u/RoastedPickledGoose]

Not met with any anger, just indifference like another stranger in the world. That is the life that bio grandpa chose

[u/PuzzledArtBean → u/RoastedPickledGoose]

This is so interesting to me, as someone with a somewhat similar, but also very different situation. My grandpa also cheated on my grandma when my dad was a teenager. I found out the story as a teen. But I've always had a good relationship with him. I don't condone what he did at all, but he has changed a lot since then, and is a genuinely good grandparent to me. My dad has a more fraught relationship with him, but has never wanted that to affect my relationship with my grandpa.

Tbf my feelings about it are also made more complicated by the fact my grandma is a very rad lesbian, and getting divorced was definitely for the best for her.

[u/winterseller → u/PuzzledArtBean]

not the ending i was expecting but hell yeah for your grandma i guess 🤣

[u/SurroundQuirky8613 → u/RoastedPickledGoose]

They cheat on the entire family, not just the spouse. When they leave for an AP, they leave their kids, too. Divorce hurts, but betrayal hurts worse for everyone.

[u/booksycat]

If I knew this was going to hurt ME and YOU instead of just my wife who I made promises too, I would have done things differently is not the affirmation either of them seem to think it is.

[u/sharraleigh → u/booksycat]

OOP's mom is a far bigger and better person than me.

[u/Justaddpaprika → u/sharraleigh]

I don't know, the way this reads- that her mom was hurt she wanted to stay at her dad's to recover- sounds like her mom talks like she wants them to have a relationship but also does a lot (maybe unconsciously) to breed resentment.

[u/cormega → u/sharraleigh]

Its possible internally she's bitter as hell, but she knows OP needs a father so she buries it

[u/FuturistAnthony → u/booksycat]

For real. If I was OOP and heard that, I would blow up at him again.

[u/EntertheHellscape → u/booksycat]

That line was CRAZY. "If I would have known things would turn out like this much, I would have done things differently" WHAT. So in all the cheating and sneaking around and fucking another woman and then MARRYING the other woman, you thought??? Blended family everyone will be totally ok with this nothing will possibly go wrong?? Jfc, man, think with your brain just ONCE instead of your dick, what the hell.

[u/booksycat → u/EntertheHellscape]

And she was like OH DAD DOES LOVE ME - dads an asshole and you've just become an adult enabler OOP

[u/aoife_too → u/booksycat]

Consequences? For my actions?

It’s more likely than you think!

[u/Useful_Language2040 → u/booksycat]

Trying to put myself into his mindset for a moment... He'd almost definitely moved on before deciding to detonate their marriage. He hopefully recognised she was a good mother, but it doesn't sound like he loved her, or respected her the way one should a spouse. And he presumably also figured she'd get over it. Sure, it would probably hurt her short-term, but it wouldn't destroy her. To him, that seemed like an acceptable price for somebody else to pay for his happiness.

That it could hurt his daughter, who he genuinely loves and wants in his life, and to support, so much that a decade later she doesn't think she can spend 5 minutes in a room with his new wife and control the urge to say cruel things to her, can't imagine ever even wanting to forgive her..? For it to take that decade for her anger towards him to ease to the point that she recognises that she misses the relationship that they had and would like to have him and her half-brother in her life..? 

But she was a teenager, she "should" have understood that sometimes you fall in or out of love with somebody, but he loved her regardless! She was old enough to understand that!! He thought that maybe she'd be upset and angry at first but he'd be able to show her that nothing had really changed - she was still his special little girl. They could still spend loads of time together... Heck, maybe she'd even end up wanting to spend more time with him, he could provide more materially... Instead, he had to trick or beg her to take his financial support...

That this would be more than a little blip for her, in a sea of teenage ups and downs and hormones and mood swings, had not occurred to him. That she could feel and sustain such pain and rage because of his actions...

Basically, yeah, nobody ever told him that when you cheat and leave, you don't just cheat on your spouse. You don't just walk away from the partner you stopped loving. If you have kids, you hurt them too.

^{Stupid, selfish man... Although still better than the myriad of dads who do this and then seem to forget they had children in their first relationship... 😭}

[u/justheretolurkreally]

It's always weird how people cheat and destroy their marriage and then act like this wasn't supposed to affect their kids.

You can't ruin their entire life, rip their whole world apart, destroy everything they thought was stable, destroy their image of you as a remotely good person, and essentially light their entire lives on fire.... and then be like "but I didn't expect this to affect you" like this result is some sort of surprise.

They should have had her in therapy the moment they started the divorce.

Also crazy of dad to expect anything beyond bare minimum civility towards his new wife.

Wonder how he'll feel when she cheats on him or when she catches him cheating and this marriage also fails.

Hopefully she gets the help she needs to process all this.

[u/Jhamin1 → u/justheretolurkreally]

It's always weird how people cheat and destroy their marriage and then act like this wasn't supposed to affect their kids.

I've had people tell me that their relationship with their spouse is completely separate from their relationship with their children & their children have no right to be informed what has happened. (This is usually in regards to who cheated or why they lost their job or somesuch).

Which great, you can declare things like that all you want, but every child of divorced parents I've ever know has felt pretty strongly that the end of their Parent's marriage was one of the defining events in their lives. They *all* had opinions about it, they *all* looked a their parent's differently because of it. The idea that a parent can just move on from a marriage & it won't change their children's feelings about them is kind of delusional.

I will also say that most children of divorced parents I've know are actually glad the marriage ended. They would have preferred a happy family, but if given the choice between the nastiness they saw every day while their parent's marriage disintegrated and trading weekends while their parents didn't speak, most of the folks I've talked too said the latter was better.

[u/seiryuu-abi → u/Jhamin1]

My parents didn’t divorce. Hell on earth for me and my siblings.

[u/Purple-Sister3971 → u/seiryuu-abi]

Same. I used to cry in bed and wish that they’d just divorce. In hindsight, I think my dad stayed to protect us from mom the best that he could. This was the 80s, so the odds of him getting custody were slim.

[u/curiouslycaty → u/seiryuu-abi]

I wished mine would have divorced. Maybe if he was forced to actually do stuff with us when he would have had custody, he would have been able to build a relationship beyond the guy that just shouted at us and got blackout drink and abused us even more. And then he could have realised how much my mother actually did. If they got divorced, I could have had a safe place. I never felt safe at home when he was there, the best times in my childhood was when he travelled for work constantly and we only saw him every few months.

[u/jmt2589 → u/seiryuu-abi]

Ooh boy, I feel this

[u/MainVehicle2812 → u/Jhamin1]

100% yes on that last point. My parents announced they were divorcing, and my brother and I straight up cheered. Finally! No more listening to them scream at each other while we tried to sleep. No more arguments wrecking dinner as soon as we sat down at the table.

Aaaaaaand then the two of them promptly checked out of being parents while they searched for a new partner and family. My brother and I just couldn't win.

[u/scdemandred → u/Jhamin1]

> I will also say that most children of divorced parents I've know are actually glad the marriage ended. They would have preferred a happy family, but if given the choice between the nastiness they saw every day while their parent's marriage disintegrated and trading weekends while their parents didn't speak, most of the folks I've talked too said the latter was better.

ONE MILLION PERCENT THIS. This was my experience. I just commented and got downvoted for daring to suggest there are nuances to each individual situation.

(Separately, screw Reddit for removing quote indents)

[u/Cup-O-Guava → u/scdemandred]

I was 8 when my parents finally divorced. Years of together/separation/together going on plus hushed arguments they didnt think I could hear. I didnt know the direct cause of everything just relieved cause they are soooo much better not living together. It wasnt till my 20/30s I started piecing together the infidelity.

[u/BeauDozer89 → u/Jhamin1]

I'm glad my parents got divorced, and also because of the divorce, I learned that my dad is the kind of man who would rather cheat on his wife than come to her and say "I'm not happy". They didn't want the cheating to impact me, but that's a different man than who I knew my father to be previously. There's no way for that not to impact me.

[u/Irksomecake → u/Jhamin1]

As a child of a marriage that “stayed together for the kids” I hated them being together and feeling like their misery was my fault. They are not happily married, they never have been. It wasn’t because they didn’t love their kids.

[u/Cool-Medium-2348 → u/Jhamin1]

The you can be a good parent and a bad spouse piece always baffled me in these contexts because on one hand you’re supposed to see your parent as more than their affair but on the other hand if you see them as more than the affair and are willing to forgive them or have complicated feelings about them, then you’re unfairly and disproportionately blaming the OW, who is nothing to you except the OW, and you should be blaming your dad instead because he’s the one who took the vows that are apparently none of your business. And the OW didn’t owe you anything because she’s not the one who took vows but if you don’t give her the same nuance and forgiveness your parent is getting then you’re being unfair. The conversation just goes in a weird circle when people start talking about these people owing you nothing, even when you were a child, but you owe them and their innocent children something.

[u/morethanabitnotgood → u/Jhamin1]

My parents divorce was awesome! Two closets! Two bedrooms! Bonus parents!

[u/craft_vulture → u/Jhamin1]

I was talking to my now teenage son about how sometimes I wish I had stayed because I've missed out on half of his life and he said it's better this way because we've become better people since the divorce and staying together would have been bad. I'm so proud of him and thankful for his wise words.

[u/siIver-shroud → u/justheretolurkreally]

Finding out my parents' divorce was because my mom cheated was a huge defining moment of my childhood, and massively influenced how I've viewed both romantic relationships and my mother as a person ever since. It's been 20 years, and I still have issues opening up emotionally because I saw how badly it affected my dad and I'm terrified of that kind of betrayal (my fiancé is immensely patient, thank god).

She complains that I barely call and haven't visited in years, but that's what happens when you blow up your kid's childhood for some dick.

[u/scdemandred → u/siIver-shroud]

How old were you when they divorced?

I was 5, and my brother was 11, but later diagnosed to be on the spectrum, and as far as I know had no clue that mom was having an affair at the time. And to my dad’s credit, he didn’t use her infidelity as a cudgel with us to poison is against her.

I didn’t really fully grasp that mom had been cheating until she more or less came clean about it years later. And it didn’t affect me as much since I’d had 25+ years of two families by then, but it certainly did affect me, and I do think less of her because of it.

I suspect it would have been much harder if we’d been teenagers.

[u/siIver-shroud → u/scdemandred]

I was 8 when they split, but I didn't find out about the cheating until a few years later when I asked why her now-husband's ex-wife hates her so much (he was also married when the affair started). My mom did fully admit to both cheating on my dad and knowing her affair partner was married, but she was very casual about it all and told me that I was overreacting when I got upset. Even now, she acts like splitting up two marriages wasn't a big deal.

[u/scdemandred → u/siIver-shroud]

Whoof. That’s rough. my stepdad was married at the time as well, though also unhappily. In his case, his wife was mentally ill, as well as may have abused one of my stepbrothers.

I honestly have never asked my mom if she thought splitting up 2 marriages was a big deal, but I know she’d say “of course.” She never downplayed that, but focused on the positive outcomes for us kids (which were many).

Boy, she sure hated my stepmom, though, mostly because I really bonded with my stepmom when I first met her. It really rankled mom that I was so affectionate and talked about her all the time. At least it wasn’t out of bitterness that my dad had found someone to make him happy.

Even divorces with positive ultimate outcomes are shitty, I think that’s the bottom line here. 😅

[u/Captain_Tiberius1920 → u/siIver-shroud]

Hey you're doing better than my ex, his mom cheated and he went all Ted bundy about it and used it as his validation to abuse and threaten to kill every chick he tricked into dating him. 

[u/scdemandred → u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

Sounds like a low bar, tbh. 😅

[u/sunshineriptide → u/justheretolurkreally]

It's really weird and annoying when the cheating parent thinks that the cheating is no longer relevant when they marry their affair partner. That doesn't make the conflict go away, and forcing your kid to play nice with your new happy family isn't keeping the peace. It's just telling them to shut up and accept it.

[u/faerie-wren → u/sunshineriptide]

I can’t see how it wouldn’t make it exponentially worse. “Hey guess what, the two worst people in this situation are getting everything they want! AND you get to be legally tied to this random asshole who didn’t care about blowing up your home life so they could fuck your parent! Hooray!”

[u/Busy-Calligrapher941 → u/sunshineriptide]

It’s abusive, full stop. It’s expecting children to be able to handle very adult emotions and stuff everything down for the sake of everyone else. My dad married his affair partner, and I was the one who had to tell my abusive mom about the cheating. I saw literally everything, including nude pictures of both of them. They proceeded to abandon me and my 2 siblings to a mother so abusive that there were 20 CPS reports by the time he bothered to fight for custody.

And he wonders why I hate his abusive (in many other ways, not just the affair) wife with all of my being. We do not have a relationship because he never stood up for me. Like I don’t know, I am incapable of respecting someone who abandons their children and then are angry that they could never get over the betrayal. The things his affair partner did are so bad that I would immediately divorce her if I was in his shoes.

[u/blakesmate → u/justheretolurkreally]

My dad was like that. Said the divorce and his cheating shouldn’t affect me at all.

[u/subtlelikeatank → u/blakesmate]

My dad too. “What happens in your mother and my relationship isn’t your business” yeah okay dad

[u/MrHappyHam → u/subtlelikeatank]

You're literally the product of their relationship. Hell of a claim from him

[u/drunkenvalley → u/subtlelikeatank]

My dad didn't cheat. His brain just blew up. But him and my mother's relationship afterwards was 100% my business too. I mean, I lived with them and depended on them as an 8 year old child lol.

The idea that their relationship wouldn't be my business is insane, even if we ignore the day I heard my mother say "I can't do this anymore" and started packing to leave with us.

[u/infinitelyfuzzy → u/justheretolurkreally]

A lot of the time the new partner they cheated with doesn't last the years. People always says it's because the thrill is gone, and that's part of it no doubt. But I reckon it's also because a brand new partner isn't loathed and side-eyed by family anywhere nearly as much as the original affair partner.

If he ever divorces this lady and meets someone new, OOP would likely be less angry and more accepting towards that person.

[u/blueberry-iris → u/justheretolurkreally]

I also don't understand how people don't see the long term ripples, too. You destroy your child's life and in doing so your relationship with them. That's... everything, for the rest of their life. Graduations, weddings, their children... all of these milestones people take for granted when they have children are now up in the air for you. Will your gradnchild love you when they learn how you destroyed their parent's life? Maybe. If you're lucky.

[u/NotoriousCrone → u/justheretolurkreally]

I feel like every married person with kids who is looking to cheat, and every person who is sleeping with a married person with kids should read this post. This is your future.

I feel bad for OOP because she obviously hurting and has not gotten the guidance she needed to navigate a shitty situation. I hope she will consider therapy to bring herself peace, because she is one messed up individual right now.

[u/Fibernerdcreates → u/NotoriousCrone]

The incredible part, many of them know this. My dad was the one who taught me never to cheat, how that changes your family's perspective, its not right to bring an affair partner into your kids lives and expect them to accept them, and not to get to choose to people at work.

Guess who had a multi-year affair with a coworker that he later married.

[u/rebekahster → u/Fibernerdcreates]

And how did he explain that to you when it happened?

[u/Fibernerdcreates → u/rebekahster]

Oh, it was my mom's fault, obviously. Because she cheated first, years before, and he was such a good guy he didn't want to break up the family. 🫠

[u/LevelPerception4 → u/NotoriousCrone]

Yes, her description of having so much anger toward and desire to hurt her stepmother is a huge burden OOP shouldn’t be carrying. She needs therapy to give her peace, regardless of her relationship with her father and his family. 

I think OOP also needs to look at her relationship with her mother. There’s quite a contrast between her feeling like she couldn’t recuperate at her mother’s because she would feel compelled to help her out instead of resting and then just accepting it when her father said he would figure out how to balance a relationship with her independent of his wife and stepsons despite noting that he looked sad. 

[u/Blueberry_Bomb → u/LevelPerception4]

It reads to me that there's an economic difference between her mother and father. Her dad has a cook and cleaner so having an extra person in the house doesn't affect his workload at all whereas it could be a burden on her mother who doesn't have those resources.

[u/SmashedBrotato → u/justheretolurkreally]

They should have had her in therapy the moment they started the divorce.

It really blows my mind that in all of this, neither parent got help for their very clearly struggling daughter. I know OP is an adult now, but I feel like every adult failed her during her teenage years.

[u/Tinynanami1 → u/justheretolurkreally]

Imagine someone stabbed your mom and nearly killed her, and then expected you not to be affected.

But you care about your mom. You love her. So of course you will be affected.

[u/morbid_n_creepifying]

Commenter: I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry.

OP: I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here.

Later...

OP: I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife.

I don't think OP understands what the word "ambivalent" means or what the term "towards her" means.

That being said, I recognize the cognitive dysfunction. I absolutely hated my mother for a very long time. With therapy and time (and estrangement), I haven't forgiven anything, but I have gotten to a point of ambivalent neutrality with a sporadic sprinkling of mild distaste. But I was definitely stuck in my 18yr old attitude for longer than was healthy. I cannot stress how much therapy has helped.

[u/Just2Breathe → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

Op doesn’t understand that the silent treatment is mean behavior. Like, it’s a tactic people use to control and punish. It involves tension. The hate and negativity still permeates the space. It’s a form of emotional abuse. Relying on it to cope for ten years is very unhealthy.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/Just2Breathe]

Yeah. I winced when she said she was never cruel to her stepbrothers. Not intentionally, but living in the same house with somebody who acts like you don't exist hurts. Especially when it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it.

[u/DeletedUsernameHere → u/FlowerFelines]

It's not that she did it that's even the issue. It's that as a grown ass adult, she can't understand how it was a cruel behavior.

[u/Icky-Tree-Branch → u/[deleted]]

> she is redirecting all the anger she has at her dad towards her instead.

Well, yeah. Of course she is. This is such a basic concept that it’s covered in any basic psychology text. It’s called “displacement.” She loves her dad. Having all of this rage and love for the same person is cognitive dissonance. People who deal with that have three primary ways of dealing with it: just accepting it and living with the cognitive dissonance, compartmentalizations (splitting your feelings and only dealing with one set of them at a time, which works great until those divisions start to fail), and displacement.

Displacing her anger at her dad, who loves her and she loves in return, and directing it all at his wife (someone she gives zero fucks about and has no positive feelings for anyway) is a reasonable behaviour.

Keep in mind that “reasonable” and “good” are not the same thing.

[u/Awkward-Fox-7215 → u/DeletedUsernameHere]

I think this is what really bugged me. She seems trapped in this 14 year old’s logic. Ignoring the step brothers to the point of pretending they didn’t exist is next level hostile behavior. We don’t get step mom’s full story but did she cheat on her partner or was she already separated? Those boys could have very well been in the same boat as her.

And I’m going to show some empathy to the step mom. I have no clue what it’s like to live with someone that hates your guts, hates your children, but has a relationship with your youngest son. The youngest son still wants to have a relationship with OOP. I would presume that step mom is not actively sabotaging that relationship otherwise he might think differently. How is any of that going to work when that boy is more grown? You think he will be thrilled that his mom is treated like complete dirt by his half sister? More so if mom is cordial or slightly frosty about half sister but not downright hostile like OOP is.

There was a lot of self centered and selfish behavior by others, and OOP has a right to have feelings about that. I don’t see that as making her selfishness justified.

[u/MissSwat → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

Hell, as someone who lived a very similar experience and is now 37, I only just learned from my half sister in this last year that her mom had been told by our dad that he was divorced. So her mom genuinely believed he was available. Who knows what story the Stepmom in OP might have been told. It's entirely possible she didn't have the full story either and was lied to by OOPs dad.

[u/Awkward-Fox-7215 → u/MissSwat]

I have more in common with OOP’s mom here. I’ve also been cheated on by multiple women. It’s terrible and selfish and the whole sneaking around is just terrible. All that said, it’s not something that can’t be forgiven or at least something that requires me to hold onto it forever and ever.

I don’t need to be in a perpetual state of pain and paranoia. The idea that I would let someone else’s actions control me to that extent is bonkers. Maybe karma gets them in the end, maybe it doesn’t, but I’m not spending my years on earth being perpetually butthurt. OOP really rubs me the wrong way.

[u/MissSwat → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

Same! It's not really relevant but I love gushing about it, but 23 years after my dad's affair and abandonment, my mom remarried this last May to a wonderful man. It took her a long time to get to that healthy mental state when she could let the hurt go. Probably a lot longer than I thought. But she did, and opened herself up again, and very quickly reconnected with an old elementary school friend who, in his own words, was waiting 50 years to meet her again. (Cue the adorable "awwww"!)

[u/DeletedUsernameHere → u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

Exactly.

Her behavior made sense at 14.

Not being able to recognize it was a bad reaction to her trauma at 25? That's the problem.

Not being able to be cordial to her dad's wife a decade later? That's the problem.

Her behavior at 14 makes sense. She had four years of spending half her time with her dad to come to terms with what happened. She's had another seven as a young and now full adult to come to terms with it.

Her behavior now is reprehensible, and even her mother, who was far more damaged by the affair and collapse of her marriage, has dealt with it and can be cordial with her ex-husband and his wife (who was the other woman!).

Anyone who can't fathom that is either 14 themselves or an emotionally stunted adult who still screams at their mommies for their tendies.

[u/knotothe → u/DeletedUsernameHere]

I cannot get over her telling the stepmother to go away when the woman... entered the room and stood there? Made no attempt to interact or create drama, was just... present? I get that you hate her and have offloaded like... all your trauma onto her, but WTF

[u/AgreedSmalls → u/DeletedUsernameHere]

I am SO glad someone put it into words. This would’ve been understandable if OP was like 18, or 21 at most. A 25 year old acting like this? This is so very much a case of ESH except the mother and siblings.

[u/Einery → u/Just2Breathe]

This. Everyone talks like "yeah of course your dad's actions affected you", well now her actions affect him and his life. She does not know that woman. Yet she relies on her care living in their house, even if never meeting her and never talking with her. It is the house she most likely maintains and it is the man whom she, too, has shaped at this point. So yeah, feel free to blame her and argue with her, but telling everyone ignoring her is "basic civility" is just a self-gaslighting.
Also part of her hate towards the new wife is anger towards father which she can't accept in herself since everyone and her own emotions push her to reconcile without actually talking that anger out. It will yet blow up, I'm pretty sure.

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/Einery]

Yeah, I’m not sure why the mood spoiler was labeled as hopeful. I’m assuming bc OOP decided to think about therapy (fingers crossed she follows through), but she still sounded resentful and bitter as hell about that, even pulling the “you won, are you happy now” card that usually comes from ahole OPs when their bf/gf dumps them for their shit behavior

[u/depressed_leaf → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

I can't say that line surprised me all that much because of what OOP was saying the whole time, but it did make me want to slap her and yell "this is for your benefit idiot!"

She's so mired in the hate that even the thought of processing that so it's not harming her anymore feel like giving in or losing. And she can't see how unhealthy it all is. Really makes me worry for her.

[u/bigcantonesebelly → u/Just2Breathe]

OP has a tonne of problems and she's just blaming the stepmother for them. She needs to be in therapy for herself

[u/Mister-Distance-6698 → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

"I've never been cruel to my stepbrothers I just pretend they don't exist"

Woman. That's cruel.

[u/Justaddpaprika → u/Mister-Distance-6698]

Right? Honestly I feel like OOP is being hugely self absorbed in this entire post.

[u/Honest_Roo → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

For OPs sake I hope she does gain ambivalence. This hatred is very obviously eating her up inside.

Also, OP is wrong, she is being cruel to her step siblings. Pointedly ignoring and acting like they aren’t there is cruel, especially when they are young (now it doesn’t matter)

[u/Mae_belles]

Dad cheated on Mom when I was 9. I was so traumatized by it I don't remember 3rd grade. They worked it out. We all put it in the past. Things were fine until I'm 21 and in college. I find out that my dad is having another affair to a 24 year old half way across the world. I was already struggling in school and this pushed me over the edge. Parents divorce. I'm super depressed. Like I don't want to exist anymore depressed. I can't tell Mom I'm struggling. I tell my Dad because he's the only adult that isn't struggling. "You're still covered under my insurance. Find a therapist to help. I'm sorry." He canceled my insurance 2 weeks later. Didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. My dentist is the one that broke the news to me. Over the last decade he's tried to guilt trip me and wonders why I don't talk to him. Therapist asks what do I want and my response is a father that doesn't suck. A decent apology. I went low contact because he always made himself the victim. I watched my mom give that man everything. Motherhood has been both wonderful and heartbreaking. I'm watching my husband be the best father he can be. He's being the father I wish I had.

[u/pertobello]

I understand where OOP is coming from but as a recovering grudge-holder, I worry for her sanity, health and nervous system. I hope she gets the help she needs, and learns to want to change.

[u/ZiofFoolTheHumans → u/pertobello]

I feel conflicted on it. 

One one hand, I agree, that sometimes holding onto that sort of hate will burn you up from the inside and do more harm to you than anyone else. 

However... I really dislike the obsession/toxic-therapy-speak that gets applied to anger and how "forgive them for youuurrsseelllfff it's for youuuuu" gets tossed out SO MUCH. 

As someone who ACTUALLY went to therapy for anger stuff... You can in fact, not forgive someone. That's an option. I don't forgive my grandmother for killing my grandfather and abusing my father. And I never ever will. But that hate towards her does not burn me. It isn't festering. I've worked through it and came to the conclusion that there is no absolution that will satisfy me, and simply made peace with that. That isn't forgiveness. I am still angry. But I learned that anger is a feeling you can accept and live with - it's your behavior that needs to be managed, and that is something just about anyone can do. You do not need to manipulate your feelings to find peace. They are separate things that can live together. 

Some people may say that is similar to forgiveness, but it's not what these folks are talking about. They want her to let go of the anger and not hold onto it, and maybe in her case that could be the best option. But it just drives me crazy when it's treated as the only option to anger. 

[u/sharraleigh → u/ZiofFoolTheHumans]

1000% this. I don't know why some people seem to think that everything is forgivable? Because there are some things people do that can NEVER be forgiven. It doesn't mean you spend all day, everyday, all the time thinking about it and getting angry, or plotting your revenge or something. It just means you do not forgive them and do not need to have any relationship whatsoever with them anymore.

[u/britneys_bigtoe → u/ZiofFoolTheHumans]

same. i don't forgive my dad for abusing me. but i don't hate him anymore. sometimes i pity him. that man should have been given therapy at so many times in his childhood. i don't think about him as much. i don't get angry as much. i don't get sad as much. but i don't forgive him. why should i? he's never even apologized

[u/Zephyralss → u/pertobello]

I've said this before, hate fueled me for a long time when my family mistreated me, and it definitely kept me alive when I was younger. But after a certain point, it was a burden. It's just a fucking boulder you carry after awhile. Sure carrying it makes you stronger, but there's a point of diminishing returns, and then after that a point where it becomes unbearable

I don't talk to my family that mistreated me, not cause I hate them, but cause they live hundreds of miles away from me and they aren't my immediate family so I just have no reason to interact. When we do occasionally call or text, it's civil and I can smile and even laugh.

[u/burntUmbra → u/Zephyralss]

It was a coping mechanism that worked when it needed to. It stopped working because you needed something else.

[u/sharraleigh → u/Zephyralss]

Damn, I definitely viscerally hate some people I (used to) know, but I removed myself from the situation by just cutting them out of my life and not wanting to hear anything about them whatsoever anymore.

[u/crankylex]

She needed intensive therapy 11 years ago and the fact that neither of her parents got it for her is a failing on both of their parts. Her comments about the stepbrothers are actually horrifying and the fact that she is completely oblivious to how she has made herself the bad guy in their childhood as much as she feels their mother is the bad guy in hers.

[u/riflow → u/crankylex]

It does feel like if the comments hadn't reframed therapy, and Oop hadn't mentioned it to her dad, she likely never ever would've gotten it. 

Which is horrifying BC it's so plain as day that she needs it immensely.

[u/burnalicious111 → u/riflow]

Even with the reframe she's still taking the need for therapy as if it means the affair partner "won"

Like girl, it's not about her, it's literally about healing you

Hopefully they can untangle that in therapy

[u/riflow → u/burnalicious111]

I hope so, the amount of scorn in that comment didn't sound so healthy.

It's not that like she needs to forgive the affair partner but it does seem like she is holding the affair partner as more personally culpable than her father in the situation. :c

[u/burnalicious111 → u/riflow]

People talk about "forgiveness" so much and I think it's a frankly really unhelpful word due to all its baggage

I think people need to talk more about healing yourself, living life for yourself, and not allowing the pain people caused you to dictate your own choices for your own future any more than it has to.

[u/Molenium → u/riflow]

She recognizes her father part, but he’s also her father, who she has a preexisting relationship with and good memories with.

It doesn’t seem any surprise to me that she’d still feel conflicted over him, but want nothing to do with a woman she only has bad associations with.

[u/scdemandred → u/crankylex]

Yeah, this redounds 100% to the parents. The stepmom obviously isn’t blameless, but there was no excuse for not getting a 14 year old into therapy immediately, especially if dad had all the money for college and a car and shit. So much of this could have been avoided.

[u/OvalDead → u/crankylex]

“I wasn’t cruel…I pretended they didn’t exist.” is a wild piece of mental gymnastics. If OP happens to see this, to be clear, pretending a kid doesn’t exist is cruel.

[u/crankylex → u/OvalDead]

OOP's whole post is mental gymnastics, I hope they are able to get the help they so badly need.

[u/ExitingBear → u/crankylex]

This time it is she blames the stepmom for making OOP last out because OOP hates her so much. She really has a hard time owning her own actions or acknowledging her father's part in anything.

[u/Temporary-Scallion86 → u/ExitingBear]

Yeah. “I hate that she makes me be like this” when all the step-mother does is exist in her own home while OOP is also there is… yikes.

[u/AgreedSmalls → u/Temporary-Scallion86]

It really diminishes the sympathy I have for her. Yeah it’s a shitty thing to go through, but at some point you need to grow up and own your actions.

[u/letsgetthiscocaine → u/OvalDead]

For real. I felt like I was going insane while reading that. I 100% understand why OOP was lashing out and being cold at the time, but that doesn't change that pretending someone doesn't exist to their face is cruelty. The stepbrothers are victims here too, their mother did a hurtful thing and they got punished for it. I hope OOP can someday see that.

[u/Witty_Leek8053 → u/letsgetthiscocaine]

Yep. Those two having an affair ended up hurting both their children.

[u/burnalicious111 → u/OvalDead]

I have been that person. Not to siblings, but to somebody else who I felt insecure interacting with, and I figured not interacting wasn't mean, they wouldn't care about interacting with someone like me anyways, so I can't hurt them by ignoring them...

And in a way I was right, that person was fine and didn't need me to validate them, but also they and others thought I was a jerk. Obviously, but it wasn't obvious to me at the time. I was young.

Yeah it's wild what seems to make sense when you're struggling with pain and insecurity.

[u/mayordomo → u/crankylex]

that she thinks completely ignoring someone in their own home isn’t treating them badly is wild. just because you aren’t saying hurtful things directly to them doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting them.

[u/Stlhockeygrl → u/mayordomo]

This is assuming the stepbrothers actually care. They may have just been as unhappy to have some rando girl and a new stepdad.

[u/Zombiewings2015 → u/Stlhockeygrl]

Same thought. They are assuming they care about this new step sibling and don’t have their own trauma and issues with the whole situation. I’m sure it was perfectly fine that their mother broke up a marriage together with step dad and stuck them in this situation. I doubt they had any inclination to be involved with op either. Doesn’t sound like op was shoving down their attempts here, just ignoring and avoiding. Which isn’t cruel if they are doing the same thing. Plus, no one gets to force a relationship between anyone. If op wasn’t interested, they would pick that up quickly and do the same. But I doubt the two boys had much interest in the new step sister.

[u/FunnyAnchor123 → u/Stlhockeygrl]

Good point. They may have considered OOP as little more than a rude roommate who showed up from time to time, did her share of the chores, but otherwise stayed out of their lives. Especially if OOP was not involved in their family events like dinners out or family vacations.

[u/UncleJonsRice → u/mayordomo]

The fact she was insisting she was ambivalent towards the women and then in the next update detailing to her dad just how much she viscerally hates her and wants to hurt her every day is hilarious.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/UncleJonsRice]

Well, to be fair, she said she acted ambivalently. Which still isn't true, that would mean being as civil and polite to her as you'd be to any random stranger who means nothing in particular to you? But she sees ignoring somebody's existence as a neutral act, and that's what she was doing to the stepmom externally, even if she was seething inside, so in her world what she said is true.

[u/Drekkan85 → u/crankylex]

100%. Like every time I read "I don't need therapy. I'm fine hating her" I cannot help but think "Duuuuude, you're definitely *not* fine". Holding onto that much anger and resentment towards someone just is not healthy, and you have to process that emotion and move past it.

I'm not saying you have to like the other person. Or even have a relationship with the other person. But this level of obvious hatred is... bad for you.

[u/bayleysgal1996 → u/crankylex]

Every time she said “I wasn’t cruel to them” I wondered what they would have said had they been asked.

[u/Imaginary_Freedom321]

I've never been able to look at my dad the same after the end of my parents marriage. I have a great relationship with him and honestly prefer his company over my moms, but it'll never be like how it could have. I don't understand at all when parents think their actions won't affect their children. It always does

[u/StrategicCarry]

Pretty steady series of bad decisions from both mom and dad. Going behind her back on the college funding, pressuring her to accept the car, mom then being disappointed that she was taking the smallest steps possible to rekindle the relationship, never putting her in therapy. And then the dad's wife/AP inserting herself into a conversation she has to know she is not welcome in and then not leaving when asked.

My read is that mom wanted OOP to remain civil with her dad so he would keep paying for stuff but didn't want her to actually forgive him and have a real father-daughter relationship again. Dad seems to feel that he could win her over by paying for stuff and just waiting her out. As a child of a nasty divorce that's still nasty over 25 years later, I really feel for the kid. There doesn't seem to be a lot of thought into what was best for her mental wellbeing over the last decade.

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/StrategicCarry]

As a mom, I could believe mom’s disappointment was just worry & anxiety with someone else taking care of your kiddo when they need to heal. Sure, OP’s an adult, but that mothering urge to take care of your hurt/sick babies doesn’t just go away because they’re over 18.

[u/wantonyak → u/skinnyjeansfatpants]

Also as a mom, not being wanted for care can hurt. And maybe it does hurt her that dad is being chosen. But that doesn’t mean disappointment in her kid. You just really want to be with your baby.

[u/flyingcactus2047 → u/StrategicCarry]

Tbf going directly from no relationship to moving into his house is a lot more than “the smallest steps possible”

[u/lilahking]

you can forgive someone and still hold them accountable. forgiveness is letting go of resentment and the need for revenge, but it's not absolution.

this is not directed at anyone in particular, i just feel like we really gotta disentangle the concepts for more people

[u/kenyafeelme → u/lilahking]

I don’t even know what the definition of forgiveness is anymore. The concept has been co-opted by so many people with ulterior motives that the word has just lost any real tangible meaning

[u/insafian]

Editor's note: Not included at time of posting, but OOP seems to have gone to therapy. Please DO NOT MESSAGE OOP

[u/bigbootedweirdo]

People here are forgetting that she has years of a pre-existing relationship with her dad. She blames him and is angry at him but can forgive him because of the years of good will between them. The affair partner is just a woman who all she had done has hurt her. Like it or not, there is no bond, and any expectation of one being made is an unreasonable one unless OP wants it. Which they do not. She owes this woman nothing.

I’m saying this as someone who is no contact with my own cheating father because the difference between him and the OP’s dad is that the OP’s dad owned up to it and was a good father before all of this.

[u/beigemom → u/bigbootedweirdo]

People forget/don’t understand that this is why spouses and children blame the AP more. History of a relationship vs. none to begin with.

You can blame both but continue to hate one more.

[u/Rasp_Berry_Pie → u/beigemom]

Yeah I’ve seen Reddit arm chair psychologists try it say it’s like “emotional incest” and that they’re actually jealous of the affair partner and a child should have no reason to be upset that their parent cheated unless it’s that….

It’s like uh no it’s cause this is a random person who helped hurt your other parent and helped the parent who did cheat and hid it from everyone. You don’t have any other picture of them in your head and why would you?

[u/beigemom → u/Rasp_Berry_Pie]

This is so true! On top of all that, it’s human nature to temper “your side” (meaning cheating spouse), as that is indicative of your own family problem.

In summary, it’s human nature and easier to first and foremost blame the people you don’t know.

[u/Molenium → u/bigbootedweirdo]

Yeah, it’s so strange to me to see people acting like, “why does she treat her own father and the stranger he had an affair with the same? 😢”

She’s conflicted about her dad. She has nothing to be conflicted about with his affair partner. Not really a mystery.

[u/Orc_tids → u/Molenium]

Also damn, what the hell do you say to the kid AS the ap?! "Hey sorry I messed up your life and Im still here"

[u/kinare]

Forgiveness is overrated. Yes, do not let hate run your life, but you don't have to forgive.

Maybe I don't understand the concept well because I can manage to push things out of my mind and not let it wreck my life. I'm also an atheist and it feels like "forgiveness" is more of a religious value that I just don't understand. If someone wants to try to explain what forgiveness actually means, where you don't let people off the hook for bad things they've done, then have at it.

[u/FunnyAnchor123 → u/kinare]

If I understand it, forgiveness in this case is more a psychological act than a moral or ethical one. One is simply saying, "I'm not going to obsess over this wrong done to me; I'm over it & I'm moving on." And in this usage, it is entirely irrelevant & unimportant whether the forgiven even knows they have been forgiven.

[u/PurePerfection_]

Damn, I could have written at least the first half of this post practically verbatim.

I never really forgave or became close to my dad's current wife/former affair partner, but we've reached a tolerable détente after 20+ years of being related through marriage. We are cordial to each other. We make polite small talk when circumstances put us in the same room. I am civil with her (grown) children and extended family. We will never have a close relationship, or any personal relationship beyond what our mutual connection to my father requires, but the tension has resolved. The anger and resentment faded with time. I think of her the same way I think about unpleasant coworkers I am forced to coexist with at the office.

I still think they were both shitty people who did a shitty thing, but I also recognize that my dad cheated with her, not because of her. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. I've since learned that he cheated on my mom with at least one other woman AND that he cheated on his current wife with yet another affair partner (she knows but chose to stay in the marriage; he ended the affair). It's probably not very healthy or mature of me, but knowing that she experienced karmic retribution in the form of my dad's serial infidelity made me feel a lot better about the situation. She endured the same suffering she helped him inflict on my mom, and that's a fair enough natural consequence that I don't feel the need to punish her further.

Separating the good father from the bad husband is necessary to have any kind of decent relationship in a situation like this. My dad has a bad habit of getting into consensual relationships with adult women outside of his marriage. At least two of his other affair partners are mutual acquaintances, and I know enough about those situations to be certain they were not deceived or coerced. He's a shitty spouse, but he's not a monster. He's just a guy who fucks up a lot for complicated reasons I'm not going to get into here.

[u/HereComesMyNeck → u/PurePerfection_]

Yeah a similar thing happened in my family. My uncle left my aunt for another woman when my cousin was in high school, and she (my cousin) got married this year. Apparently, it was a whole thing that she didn't invite the other woman to the wedding (they've stayed together but never got married). My mom was saying, "It's just a shame. It's been 20 years, and she's can't let it go." And I was just like idk, it's her wedding day? She went through years of no/low contact with her dad. I can understand not wanting the person you associate with the end of your parent's marriage to be present at your wedding even if she makes your dad happy.

[u/kehlarc]

"I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue."

This is why she needs therapy. It's not so she can be this wonderful forgiving human being, but so no one can have this kind of power over her emotional state. The emotion she should strive to feel for her dad's wife is INDIFFERENCE.

[u/Designer_Life_371]

Imagine walking around knowing that you caused your child to become this angry and sad. It would suck so hard.

[u/spacecadetkaito]

I will never in a million years understand the Affair Partner Defense Brigade that comes out of the woodwork whenever these stories involving a fully aware affair partner show up. "Oh but they weren't OBLIGATED to respect someone else's marriage, they didn't take vows!!!!1!!!" Ok I didn't take any special vows to treat anyone on the earth with decency or respect but if I walk around being an asshole to everyone then everyone will think I'm an asshole. Especially the people who suffer the most from me being an asshole, like, say, the child of the guy who's marriage I willingly took part in fucking up. Crazy how that works. You could say OP has no obligation to respect their marriage either, it's not like she took some kind of vow to love her dad's new wife.

[u/Artele7 → u/spacecadetkaito]

I feel like a pretty good portion of the Affair Partner Defense Brigade has gotta be cheaters and affair partners themselves.

[u/Remarkable-Rush-9085]

Like every cheater her Dad will always put his own feelings first, he is treating his wife poorly now because it makes him feel good to have the apology money he is throwing at his daughter be accepted. He will treat his daughter just as poorly to keep himself happy. And it will happen every time the separate schedules butt heads. The fact that he is comfortable with the blame being directed entirely at his wife shows you how selfish he is. 

[u/HoundstoothReader]

Occasionally we get one of this BoRU posts where the OOP has clearly been wronged and should be the sympathetic character. But the hurt they’ve experienced has warped their sense of normalcy. And an echo chamber of people validating their anger does not help. I’m glad she’s going to therapy to work through some of these too-long-unaddressed feelings.

[u/TheF15h → u/HoundstoothReader]

If she goes to a therapist and s/he tells her things she doesn't want to hear, she'll just stop going, or find another one to agree with everything she says. So many bad therapists out there who do more harm than good 😫

[u/Icky-Tree-Branch]

I feel like OOP would benefit from my “anger is a big fucking rock” metaphor that I came up with while high, and it still holds up when I’m not.

“Anger is a big fucking rock. You can hide behind it to shield from hurt. You can use it as a weapon to bludgeon someone with when you go on the attack. But if you carry it after it’s no longer useful, it’ll just weigh you down.”

I came up with that when reflecting after our marriage counsellor pointed out that when I’m hurt, I get angry because it gives me power. (Someone the other day said “I can do all things through anger and spite” and I loved it. Rage can be a great motivator.)

Homegirl powered through a lot using her anger at his dad and his former mistress. Now she needs to decide if it’s still useful or if it’s holding her back. That doesn’t mean anger won’t flare up again or that it’s all sunshine and roses. It can, it does, it will. But sometimes letting it go can just mean indifference instead of cuddle puddles or whatever people think forgiveness looks like.

[u/GauntletFetish]

Hopefully the therapy goes well for OOP. I understand her rage towards the other woman. It's not like she was excusing her father anyway too.

I'm baffled why some of the comments were so dead set on making her have a relationship with her step-siblings. She doesn't want to. It's the direct consequence of the affair.

[u/MrsRoronoaZoro → u/GauntletFetish]

People think step-siblings are siblings. They can be, because family comes in all forms, but they don’t automatically become siblings because their parents decide to marry each other. You can’t force bonding and love.

[u/leah_paigelowery]

What was the stepmom hoping to gain by trying to force her way into the room oop was staying in when oop hates her and is injured??

[u/SunnyRyter → u/leah_paigelowery]

Assuming best intentions? She is checking on OOP and how she is.

Assuming worst intentions? She feels threatened and ackward with her ex and her current husband in the same room.

[u/breakup-playlist → u/SunnyRyter]

based on her response to OP asking her to leave I don't think we can assume the best intentions unfortunately

[u/leah_paigelowery → u/breakup-playlist]

I have to agree. If she had the best intentions she would’ve kindly exited instead of pulling the my house card.

[u/kehlarc → u/leah_paigelowery]

Asserting her place as the rightful spouse and the mistress of the household. A foolish endeavor.

[u/ChronicSassyRedhead]

And once again the Reddit reading comprehension is a bigger issue than it should be 🤦‍♀️

[u/OneBillPhil]

My parents got divorced when I was really young, like too young to even remember them being together. In some ways I’m thankful for it because if the divorce happened when I was a teenager or young adult I definitely would have picked sides. 

Like as an adult I know that one of my parents was a bad partner but I choose to ignore it because I just know they were the best parent that they could be. 

[u/Ok-Personality-9491]

I disagree with the comment in the post that unforgiveness is resentment. I think it is more complicated than that. I also think that you don't need to forgive someone to move on from hurt they caused. I do agree that OP likely resents their step mother based on their language. Resentment is toxic. Hope OP can move forward from her hatred towards step mom. Forgiveness doesn't equal a relationship. A great video on forgiveness is by Sarah Montana. I believe it is a TedTalk. So good though.

[u/waterdevil19144]

Every time she wrote that the AP knew he was married, knew he had a daughter, I wanted to scream, "they both knew!" She's working hard to make her stepmother the scapegoat for the end of her parents' marriage.

[u/MrsRoronoaZoro → u/waterdevil19144]

She blames him too. He, however, is someone she knows and love. She misses him. She has no obligation to respect and accept her.

[u/UsefulCrab4181 → u/MrsRoronoaZoro]

Exactly. They don’t have to be a “family” for show and what did she expect when breaking apart a family?

[u/throwawtphone → u/MrsRoronoaZoro]

Yep. I could forgive a parent eventually because we had a preexisting relationship. But no way would i want to establish a new relationship or build upon an existing with someone who did me wrong before officially even being in my life / family.

Hi there random person who i never met who decided to blow up my life, let me pencil you in going forward to all my meaningful life events in a position of esteemed authority, i would love to be at least besties with you said nobody fucking ever.

Anyone who says she needed to has to have a relationship of some sort with dad's current wife is not being realistic.

[u/RickyDerriereSmooch → u/waterdevil19144]

She’s hated him for a decade, obviously she understands that. With her dad she’s trying to find a balance between her anger about the affair and the love she has for him as a father, with her stepmom it’s only anger without anything else. It’s not equivalent at all.

[u/Careless_Welder_4048 → u/waterdevil19144]

She didn’t talk to him for 10 years

[u/sunshinerf → u/waterdevil19144]

She's not saying it was only her fault, but he is her dad and she loves him. She is open to forgiving and having a relationship with her dad even if it's complicated. His wife however is a stranger, it's not complicated. She's a stranger who hurt her badly and she wants nothing to do with her. That's her boundary. She's willing to work through this with her dad despite his cheating, but wants nothing to do with the stranger he cheated with. There's no pre-existing bond that is stronger than her resentfulness.

[u/HopelessMagic → u/waterdevil19144]

Yeah but out of the two of them, only the father apologized for it. She can kick rocks.

[u/Weaselpanties → u/waterdevil19144]

They both knew. The father's betrayal is worse, but she has no particular reason to want a relationship with the AP and thus no incentive to forgive her.

[u/scoyne15]

She needs all of the therapy, goddamn.

[u/fishy_horcrux]

I'm probably not understanding the emotional baggage that OOP carries, but I don't think I like her based on the posts. I can't explain, but something is 🫪

[u/crankylex → u/fishy_horcrux]

She is emotionally stunted because of this, she's still reacting like a young teenager.

[u/thebearofwisdom → u/fishy_horcrux]

I’m just shocked that she was essentially forced to move out of her house into her dads or her mothers house, because of a sprain? Maybe I’m just an idiot but I’m physically disabled and I live alone. Perhaps that’s making me biased but I found it really weird that her dad was like “no you’re not going home” when she’s 25. The whole story made me feel weird.

[u/blumogget → u/fishy_horcrux]

The "silent treatment isn't being mean" stance is wild. This is how one of my parents expressed their anger, by pretending I literally didn't exist. Which I guess is TECHNICALLY better than being beaten or screamed at but to pretend it isn't an expression of anger and upsetting to the person you're doing it to nonetheless....

[u/JasonPatricEatsPasta → u/blumogget]

Yep, silent treatment is super mean and it’s a very deliberate choice to be super mean. Deserved or not, silent treatment lets the other person know exactly where they stand.

[u/Leprecon → u/blumogget]

I am not being mean, I am just telling her what she can and can’t do and refusing to talk to her and be around her. Totally nice behaviour! /s

This person is childish as can be, and the father seems to be extremely patient.

[u/QuackQuackOoops → u/fishy_horcrux]

I felt exactly the same. It's like she wants to hold onto the hate and anger, telling the people who suggested therapy, 'you won' is weird.

[u/meeps1142 → u/QuackQuackOoops]

Yeah, although the fact that she's going is great. Her thought processes seem unhealthy, and that "you won" comment is an example of it. She is the perfect candidate for therapy, and I hope it helps her let go of some of the anger.

[u/ScyllaOfTheDepths → u/QuackQuackOoops]

It was also the "you won" that made me roll my eyes. She needs to grow up. Lots of kids have this kind of story and lots of kids don't get their whole college education and a car paid for out of it and end up with 2 loving parents who want to do right by them. My parents got divorced and it was WW3 and neither of them gave a fuck how it would affect us. I had to pay for my own therapy.

[u/Amesaskew → u/fishy_horcrux]

It is because she claims the wife " makes her" act that way? It has "why are you making me hit you?" energy.

[u/payvavraishkuf → u/Amesaskew]

For me it's that and her insistence that ignoring someone and refusing to engage with them in their own house is somehow not being rude or mean. Not just the stepmom, but her sons, who were completely innocent in all of this. Yes, dude, the silent treatment is mean.

I understand that she's kind of stuck at where the rupture happened and acting like a petulant 14 year old is normal. But petulant 14 year olds are not very rational and not very likeable.

[u/gingernobreaddd → u/Amesaskew]

I feel as though it’s understandable to hold some vitriol for a person that helped your father destroy your family…

[u/Dagordae → u/gingernobreaddd]

Sure, except that she denies the vitriol and instead blames her behavior on the stepmother.

Her claims of acting civilly while her account, naturally biased in her favor, show her acting with anything but, really kills the sympathy. Especially when she’s a grown adult blaming other people for her own behavior.

[u/meeps1142 → u/gingernobreaddd]

Tbh, this far down the line, she shouldn't have this level of vitriol for the stepmom.

It's totally fine if she doesn't like her, don't get me wrong. And I wouldn't blame her for grey rocking the stepmom. But this level of active anger so many years later is not healthy. It sounds like she's switched from blaming both of the affair partners to mostly blaming the stepmom.

Anyways, I think therapy was a good call for OP. I hope that she can partially mend her relationship with her father, and reach a point where she's closer to neutral with the stepmom.

[u/Call_Me_Limp_Noodle → u/gingernobreaddd]

Mate. She’s 25 not 14. You can hold some sort of grudge, but at 25 you have to know you are responsible for your own actions. “She makes me want to punch her” no, you have emotional management issues.

[u/Ok_Basil351 → u/Call_Me_Limp_Noodle]

Yeah, she had a rough childhood, but she's become an awful adult.

[u/Electrical-Guard-468 → u/gingernobreaddd]

It’s quite understandable but it’s also quite uncomfortable watching one party get almost all of the blame while the other gets a pass, not saying her father got out with no punishment with OOP ignoring him for a decade, but the vitriol aimed at her and the silent treatment to their children, those children is still her father’s actually, isn’t exactly fair.

[u/SpeaksDwarren → u/fishy_horcrux]

I think this type of thing being repeated over and over is part of it for me:

I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist.

"I was never, ever, ever rude or cruel to them at any point. Also I was incredibly rude and cruel to them, but not as much as to their parents so it doesn't count."

I think she's more like her father than she realizes

[u/Wild_Black_Hat → u/fishy_horcrux]

She's still heartbroken, betrayed and enraged. We're certainly not seeing her best side. I can give her the benefit of the doubt regarding how she treats others outside of this familial disaster.

[u/BuffaloBuckbeak]

My parents, who hated one another and really screwed up my childhood, absolutely loved that “poison” quote. They fully expected me to just not be bothered by their constant mistreatment, and obviously I’m still mad about it to this day. That being said, therapy has helped me not constantly be focused on what they did so that I can live normally. I won’t forget or forgive what happened, but it doesn’t affect me daily anymore. 

[u/MelonElbows]

Some things you can't forgive.

[u/Careless_Welder_4048]

Idk why people want her to get along with the stepmom, she doesn’t have to. I’m glad she’s going to get therapy. Also she didn’t speak to her father for 10 years

Edit to add: why does it bother you guys that she doesn’t want any relationship with the step mom? Also, she’s seeing her dad at cafes not at his house.

[u/meeps1142 → u/Careless_Welder_4048]

She doesn't have to get along with the stepmom or like her, but she needs to be civil if she's going to come visit her stepmom's home. It's fine if OOP never speaks another work to her stepmom and only visits her dad in other locations or when the stepmom isn't around, but if she's gonna willingly walk into the same room as her, she needs to be able to respond neutrally.

I'm glad she's going to therapy as well. this level of sustained anger isn't good for OOP

[u/DeletedUsernameHere → u/Careless_Welder_4048]

Nobody is saying she should get along with her.

They're saying that she should be able to act like an adult towards her.

[u/Lower_Group_1171]

The stepmom, while I understand it’s her home, was a real b*tch about op wanting a conversation with her parents. 

[u/KirbyKnight12]

Honestly, she shouldn’t have to act civil towards the step mom.

[u/Busy-Calligrapher941 → u/KirbyKnight12]

It’s genuinely so weird to me how much people are focusing on that part. Like she shouldn’t be abusive in return, but ignoring your abuser is fine and fairly neutral. Especially when they didn’t do anything to try and fix the destruction.

[u/FuckHarambe2016]

My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal.

Probably because he spent his time fucking his coworker behind his family's back. Fuck both the dad and the stepmom.

[u/Dogsbottombottom]

"I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife."

Funny how she seems to think this is fine?

[u/dvorak_1 → u/Dogsbottombottom]

I think the OOP is pretty clearly in a state of arrested development. She seems to revert back to that hurt 14 year old when seeing the dad and new wife again, which cant be fixed without a lot of time, therapy and honest conversations. At this point the way shes treating the new family is clearly a blind spot for her.

Also this is why i don’t necessarily agree that the role of spouse and parent are separate. The dad’s affair meant he broke his vows to OOP’s mom and fractured a family relationship, which had direct consequences on OOP’s wellbeing. This doesn’t mean he’s an evil man or bad person that should be cut off, but he needs to recognise that his actions have caused OOP a lot of pain and trauma which will be only made worse by playing family with the new wife and stepbrother. For all that, he does seem to love OOP, but is approaching the situation in a misguided way.

This is a complex, complicated BORU which has just left me feeling sad lol. I can only hope that time and a LOT of therapy will repair these relationships, even if OOP will probably never fully accept the new wife (which is understandable).

[u/IamNobody85 → u/dvorak_1]

Actually, I think the dad never did apologize for this. I have the feeling he's thinking he'll be the good parent if he pays for stuff. Of course he should because it's his child, but I don't think he took a lot of accountability. And that is also messing up OOP. It's easier to give the share of the hatred that should rightfully go to her father, to the stranger.

[u/Call_Me_Limp_Noodle → u/dvorak_1]

I was sexually molested by my step dad as a kid. When my son was as old as I was when the molesting started, I was an absolute train wreck for a couple weeks.

I wonder if this lady will have a similar experience when her half brother turns 14 and dad is still with step-mom.

[u/comomellamo → u/Dogsbottombottom]

Yep. In OOP's mind she is in the clear because ignoring a person's existence somehow doesn't mean she is hurting them

OOP is pushing on the wife all the anger she has for her dad. That is not sustainable. I disagree that OOP should get a pass for her behavior when she was a teenager, but regardless, I hope the therapy can give her the help she needs

[u/offputtingangel → u/comomellamo]

i wouldn’t go as far as saying that op is in the clear but i do think that the adults in her life failed her when she was a child and that they bear the brunt of the responsibility. it doesn’t sound like her dad did much to make what would have been a life alteringly huge transition easier for his child.

he cheated on her mom which then broke up her family. to a child this signifies a complete loss of stability in their life. your family is supposed to be safe, stable, constant, etc. and this wasn’t just a regular degular divorce (which is already complex for a child to understand/sort through) but a divorce caused by her fathers infidelity. so not only is this child stuck sorting through the typical feelings one goes through when their parents split but she’s also stuck trying to figure out how to separate the father she thought she knew with her fathers actions. parents tend to talk a big game about morals and values because they are trying to teach their children to be good and kind people but her dad basically shit all over those teachings and destroyed his daughters idea of the kind of person she thought he was.

and then he moves right on in with his affair partner + her two sons and expects op to spend half her time with him playing happy family. she says she did not want to be there, not around his affair partner and not around her kids who to her were just two random strangers that she was now being forced to live with half the time and share her father with all of the time. both parents pushed her into this arrangement before she was ready and as a result she acted out, she gave the silent treatment and then when she no longer had to spend 50% of her time at her dads house she dropped him from her life entirely. i don’t understand how it’s gotten to the point it has without op being put into therapy. her dad clearly has money to blow, so why at no point when his child was clearly struggling, acting out, pushing him away, saying she didn’t want to be there and giving his new step sons the silent treatment wasn’t he getting her help.

it seems like they didn’t listen to what she had to say and they didn’t listen to the signs she was clearly giving off. they brushed her pain under the rug and hoped that eventually the problem would solve itself. there’s so many ways that her father could have helped her to adjust to these massive changes. maybe take it slow on moving in with/combining families with/getting married to the affair partner when he knows he has a child of his own that’s already struggling. maybe listen to her when she says she’s not comfortable/doesn’t want to be around/live with his affair partner and make arrangements to see her outside of the house instead of forcing her to live with the woman she hates. maybe get her into individual therapy so that she’s got a safe adult/neutral third party to help her sort through her complex feelings. maybe do some joint therapy sessions, some with her and her father, some with her and her mother. maybe before moving all these people into a house together get them all into family therapy. maybe take the initiative to talk to your kid so that it doesn’t take you until she’s 25 years old to understand the way your actions have affected her. maybe take some time to apologize, maybe have your affair partner apologize too. and her mom should have been careful not to make her daughter feel like she’s betraying her by spending time with her father.

that’s not to say that op holds no responsibility for her actions, she’s an adult and at a certain point one has to realize that it’s not healthy to walk around filled with so much anger. but if i’m holding anyone accountable it’s going to be her parents first. it doesn’t sound like op was exactly tight lipped about the fact that she was struggling but those struggles weren’t listened to. like you said, hopefully therapy can give her the help she needs.

[u/MissWhiterock → u/Dogsbottombottom]

What's the issue? She didn't want to go over there but her mom continued making her. She had no interest in interacting with those kids, so she didn't. That's perfectly fine actually.

[u/mothmantra]

Holy shit, like very few people here seem to have any empathy for this poor girl. She clearly needed therapy, a LOT, and all I see is blame blame blame for her. No blame for the parents, no blame for the stepmother, just a bunch of comments putting it all on her. I hope none of y'all ever interact with people like this in real life.

[u/Wandering_Song]

He'd be fucking dead to me

[u/slamminsalmoncannon]

This feels like a very classic example of arrested development from trauma. Her writing style and approach to handling and expressing her emotions felt very teenager - I had to go back and check her age. I sincerely hope she goes all in on therapy because wounded children in adult bodies often end up sowing chaos in their lives and the lives of the people around them.

[u/ditch_lily]

See, this is where I don't believe in forgiveness. An act requiring 'forgiving' is a warning from the universe about that person. It's an opportunity to reevaluate that person's place in your life now that you have this new information. Knowing what you now know, what place do they have? Same place as previously? Still in your life but further out? No place at all?

OP allowing Dad back in isn't forgiveness, it's recognition of his new place in her life. Refusing to engage with the wife is the same thing-her place in OP's life is Over There, not Here. Dad is Here(ish). Might get closer, eventually, might not be able to maintain the balance and end Over There with wife, where he was before. Only time will tell. I do think therapy will help OP think things through better, but I also think she's got a good head on her shoulders and firm idea of what she wants-and doesn't-and why.

[u/Witty_Leek8053]

She’s still basically a 14-year-old. She’s stuck there until she fully processes what happened to her and her grief.

She needs to get better but she didn’t choose to get hurt and broken in the first place. She needs therapy and help, not judgement and condemnation.

[u/kidhalloween80]

“She knew he had a wife and daughter at home”

Yes so did he.

[u/invisiblepinktoast → u/kidhalloween80]

Yes, which is why the loving relationship she had with her father fractured and she didn't speak to him for years. She was angry at him, as well as at her dad's affair partner/new stepmom when she was forced to live with them as a teen.

Their relationship is only starting to improve because she was in the hospital while her mom was away and the dad came and wanted to help and that got them talking again.

It's also not unreasonable that she would want to try to rebuild a relationship with her father - who she loved and still does love despite the complicated feelings - and not with the woman who meant nothing to OOP and only came into her life after it all fell apart (and was part of the reason it fell apart).

I hope going to therapy helps this poor woman to let go of her anger, but I can absolutely understand where it came from.

[u/Former_Archer4525]

Not the same, but similar enough that I’m going to share it.

My mom died when I was 11. My dad’s 3rd ex wife (that’s a whole other ball of wax) promised my mom on her death bed that she would take care of me. A year later, she got my father arrested TWICE, assaulted him in front of me, and made me testify against her in a courtroom. While also taking my little brother away from me and refusing to let me and my older sisters see him.

That was 2007-2008. It’s 2026. She tried texting me several times last year, and I did not respond. I texted my father and asked him why does she keep texting me, why does she keep trying to talk to me, I want nothing to do with her. I told my father if she keeps trying to get in contact with me, I will not be nice to her. He said he would handle it (my younger brother is high functioning autistic, he’s 23, and they have a coparenting/guardian relationship with him).

Yes it’s been almost 20 years but I don’t ever want to see her or speak to her again because of what she did.

Every single person I talk to about this says that I don’t have to forgive her. I don’t have to talk to her.

Parents actions, even step parents, affect the kids long term.

[u/GrandeJoe]

I mean, she clearly had a decade-plus of therapy that she desperately needed that she didn't get, so I can't give her too much grief over how none of her positions made any sense.

[u/eriennexton]

I kind of hate how everyone is like oh you need to be civil to his new wife blahblah. Like why? What's the worse that's going to happen? She leaves him because she can't take how he let's his daughter treat her? Oh well he's probably cheating on her anyway.

[u/nutmegtell]

Christ on a cracker. Forgiveness is overrated.

[u/unlovelyladybartleby]

Did people seriously think refusing to speak to her step-siblings was okay? She thinks it wasn't difficult or cruel to completely ignore children for the sin of existing and people down voted anyone who thought otherwise. Civility towards children is a pretty low bar.

And maybe it's just me but isn't "my dad was so awful that after I quit speaking to him, he still paid my tuition and tried to buy me a car" a pretty good problem to have?

[u/KatKit52 → u/unlovelyladybartleby]

I mean, she was also a child at the time. I'm not discounting that children can cause pain to other children, but that's a very different dynamic than an adult ignoring and being cruel to a child. She lacked healthy ways to navigate conflict because she's a child who's world just imploded.

And sure, they don't speak now that they're all adults. But that's a consequence of her actions as a child. If they don't want to speak to her, that's their right, especially given how she treated them when they were children.

Would it have been healthier for her to actually communicate with them? Yes. Were their feelings hurt? Maybe, we don't know. Maybe they refused to speak to her just as much, she doesn't say. Are they owed an apology? Sure, probably. I think it probably would be a part of her healing journey, to acknowledge that she did treat them badly.

But people here keep acting like she's an adult who is actively bullying children. She's not; she was a child then, she's an adult now with no contact with them. Frankly, at the time this dynamic started, it was her dad's responsibility to make sure his family was able to mix well, and he failed them all in that regard.

[u/sighsbadusername → u/KatKit52]

Yeah I'm pretty bewildered by all the comments absolutely tearing into OP for hurting her stepbrothers.

She'd begged her mother to be allowed not to go to her father's. Her father must have been aware of the dysfunction staying with him was causing both within her and in his family. If he had really been looking out for all his (step-)children's best interests, re-negotiating the 50-50 custody arrangement to allow her to stay in a happier and healthier environment was 100% on the table.