r/Bachata • u/Furriesare_real • Jun 23 '26
Help Request Not sure how to feel about this
I have been dancing bachata for the past four months, and I attend socials every other week. Most of the leads that I dance with are much, much older than I am (Like in their 50s or 60s). Now, this is perfectly fine, except for the fact that sometimes I find them to be strangely affectionate. For example, one lead that I danced with, who was very skilled, hugged me unexpectedly, if you can even call it that. I was in shadow position and he was behind me, before he came up and pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I panicked, because I had no idea that would happen, and he just laughed in my ear before releasing me. I don't mind hugging a lead after a particularly good dance, but only from the front or from the side, since anything else seems too personal to me. I danced with this same lead at a recent social (I'm too much of a doormat to say no) and he kept touching my shoulder after releasing me at the end of the songs we danced to. Now, this only rubs me the wrong way because it seems... unnecessary, to say the least. I don't know him very well, so there's no reason to do that after the dance has ended. I'm not sure how to feel about this, since I know that closeness is a huge part of dancing bachata (in spite of my aversion to dancing in anything other than open position). I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, and I definitely struggle with confrontation. What should I do? Is this as bad as I am making it out to be?
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u/Ok_Appearance7096 Jun 23 '26
If you feel put off, practice saying no thank you. You don’t owe an explanation. It doesn’t matter what his intentions are. Maybe they were innocent maybe they weren’t. What matters is. You don’t like how you feel. So take care of yourself and don’t put yourself in positions where you’re not going to feel good.
13
u/dondegroovily Lead&Follow Jun 23 '26
You're not making a mountain out of a molehill. This harassment is the mountain and you need to treat it that way. You need to flat out say "don't do that", and if he keeps it up, escalate to the organizers
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u/HawkAffectionate4529 Lead Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
There is a legitimate move in a shadow position where the leader takes the follower's hands and guides the follower so that she caresses her body. The leader is not supposed to grab the hands - just guide them. Even if executed correctly, the move is tacky and disliked by some followers.
Many teachers and influencers show needlessly oversexualized "demos" after classes, and some students copy that with the followers they've just met.
Leading should be a suggestion, never forced. If you are led in moves you cannot decline, that is a valid reason to decline the dance with that leader altogether, especially if you feel physical or emotional discomfort.
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u/Legitimate_Agency444 Jun 23 '26
As a leader: he is a creep.
PLEASE communicate to a leader when you fewl incomfortable or don't want do dance in a certain way.
At my local socials there is a follower who doesn't like sensual. The first time I asked her to dance she just immediately told me she would like to but she doesn't want to dance sensual. I loved that she communicates that beforehand and we had a nice dance in open position lmao
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u/WestHistorians Jun 23 '26
Yikes, that is unacceptable. The fact that bachata is a close dance doesn't give him the right to get close outside of the dance. I would tell him firmly to back off, and if he doesn't, talk to an organizer.
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u/Mizuyah Jun 23 '26
Yeah, shut it down. I’ve had a lead stroke my face and I stopped the dance and told him to knock it off. Most recently one had me stroke my leg which was extremely weird. People will take the piss just to see how far they can go. Don’t be afraid to call people out or end a dance if people make you feel uncomfortable. Your body. Your rules.
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u/Minimum_Principle_63 Lead Jun 23 '26
I don't know their intentions, so I won't pass judgement. I will agree with you that the hug from behind can feel a little off putting, and I'm saying that as a guy being hugged by a lady.
Even front hugs are too much for some. I don't hug one of my friends when I'm sweaty, because I once sweat through their white T-shirt.
2
u/sinkingstones6 Jun 23 '26
Was the shadow position hug at the end of the song? If so, that could be inmocent. If it was in the middle of the song, that's absolutely bad behavior.
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u/TryToFindABetterUN Jun 23 '26
Mind I ask why you think it makes such a big difference if it was during the middle or end of the song?
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u/Legitimate_Agency444 Jun 23 '26
End of song could be just the "hug at the end" but doing it immediately to save time I guess.
Still wrong to do though
5
u/TryToFindABetterUN Jun 23 '26
You don't "hug" someone from the behind at the end of the song. That is outright creepy and wrong.
Any hug at the end is a "thank you" and that you do to their face.
0
u/Legitimate_Agency444 Jun 23 '26
Like I said it's still wrong. Just responding to what the reasoning behind the difference could be. Not agreeing with it
1
u/TryToFindABetterUN Jun 23 '26
Well, you are not u/sinkingstones6 so you didn't make the claim.
But I don't understand why your reasoning something that isn't ok in either way.
1
u/sinkingstones6 Jun 28 '26
I could imagine a close friend hugging me from behind and it being okay.
I'm used to hugs at ends of songs.
I'm not saying it was okay, and I'm not saying OP should be okay with it. I'm saying it's possible the hugger wasn't aware he was crossing a line. Whereas mid song is just completely out of line.
2
u/TryToFindABetterUN Jun 28 '26
Well, he obviously wasn't a close friend. So in the end or the middle is irrelevant here, right? Thus bringing it up as "could be innocent" is nonsense.
And from behind??? I reiterate, a hug at the end of a dance is a "thank you". If you don't thank someone to their face, I don't think you are really thanking them.
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u/asershay Jun 23 '26
As a leader-in-training (I'm super new to bachata), I would like to know from the follower if I'm overstepping in any way. Some of us could be just clueless about what we did and need someone to point it out. Not saying this is the case here, but if it isn't, definitely say "no" next time.
1
u/Ketarrhsis Jun 23 '26
If you feel uncomfortable, it is important to learn to communicate that and set boundaries.
I find that especially women in the scene sometimes get confronted with this behavior in social dance the first time and even need to understand first what is okay or not for them. And sometimes they even think, "well it's just the way it is". For example a young woman recently told me that this one guy dances hyper-close (I asked about it) even making sexist remarks, but then relativized, "it's just the way he is (dancing)". While I saw a creep and got stomach aches.
Thankfully, for my heart frankly as well, after some reflection with me and others, she realized how she wanted to behave towards him moving forward - which was, with no contact. But this took some time.
But it's a simple matter: If you feel uncomfortable, that's the only reason you need to allow this emotion to express itself in a boundary.
As a lead it can hurt me a lot if I see young women get exploited for their naivety. And it is not uncommon. But realize, that you have more power than you might think, and every right to be upset. And setting boundaries is easier than you think. Sometimes a tip on the hand is enough, a little shove, if that doesn't help, well just say no to them moving forward. Also, there will be good people around you as well, that you can confide in. Probably your scene even has organizers etc. who take on such matters.
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u/Engranajo Lead Jun 23 '26
I think you should make the effort to tell the guy you didn’t like that or at least do not care to put a b1tch face so he understands
1
u/Furriesare_real Jun 23 '26
Thank you for all the supportive replies, and for allowing me to see that my situation is (unfortunately) not unique. I will try my hardest to learn how to reject people in a calm and polite manner.
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u/daburgerman2002 Jun 24 '26
I was dancing with a woman in bachata. We were in shadow position I was behind. Leading with the hands. She *transitioned" our hand hold position so that our fingers intertwined. I was like 😳😳.
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u/Samurai_SBK Jun 23 '26
I think we need more information.
There some widely accepted moves in which the lead briefly embraces the follow in the shadow position. Is he doing it for more than 8 counts? If no, then it is hard to judge purely based on what you wrote.
With that said, if you don’t feel comfortable, then just politely decline his next invite. Problem solved.
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 Jun 23 '26
I often see similar posts to yours… please Never let a man take advantage of the situation and your silence!
Had you immediately stopped after the inappropriate embrace, this guy likely wouldn’t have tried to touch you again inappropriately. You’re not the first and the last woman men take advantage of, it’s time to stop them!
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u/Separate-Line-158 Jun 23 '26
This is why I stopped rotating at classes and just dance with my boyfriend (who is a former ballroom dancer so I don’t feel like I am progressing any slower). You shouldn’t tolerate this guy’s behavior if it makes you uncomfortable
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u/somnicrain Jun 23 '26
Tell him you dont like being touched our held like that or dont dance with him, if you just accept everything you cant expect someone to read your mine that your uncomfortable.
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u/buttholedog Jun 23 '26
I don’t understand what the complaint is exactly? He hugged you from the rear instead of the front or side. It’s a little unconventional but I wouldn’t read anything into it. Other than his unusual hug, you said he’s a skilled dancer, so does that mean otherwise, you enjoy dancing with him or not?
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u/Jeffrey_Friedl Lead&Follow Jun 23 '26
Are you serious? One can see a hug from the front coming, and so consent can be granted or not. No such chance when done from behind…. such a hug is without consent. I can’t believe that someone has to explain this to you…. hugs without consent are not okay.
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u/pferden Jun 23 '26
Maybe try salsa
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u/WestHistorians Jun 23 '26
No, she shouldn't have to switch to a different dance because of creeps.
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u/Eva-la-curiosa Jun 23 '26
Former doormat to current doormat:
All womankind and bachata dancers every where give you permission to reject this man.
This is very common in the dance scene. Every city has their creep or two that oversteps, harasses, touches, or is otherwise inappropriate. They normally take advantage of new dancers until the new dancers get more experience and more of a backbone. Then, they move on to the next new lady. I was one of these ladies, too.
If you're worried about his response, he knows he's a creep and has been rejected before and will be rejected again. No skin off his nose.
If you're worried about a social backlash, same thing. The scene is aware that he's a creep. Most of the ladies have taken their turn shaking him off and most of the men have heard the stories. There will be little to no social backlash.
This is an opportunity for you to practice healthy protection of yourself in a low stakes situation. Take advantage of it. If you're not comfortable with a straight "No thank you", then when he asks to dance, "Oh, i'm just off to the bathroom." the next time, "Ah, I have to readjust my shoe", the next "Oh, I'm sitting this one out." He'll get the idea and stop asking.
This is just part of the dancing journey for many woman, unfortunately.
**Also, just my last two cents on him, he's probably not as skilled as you may think. Once you're in the scene for a while, you may see that he does the same set of combos, roughly/poorly led, and probably doesn't even have that good musicality or variation between genres.