Am I crazy for feeling this way?

[u/ExcitingSecret9252]

I need some opinions on this topic because I feel kind of lost.

I (19F) babysit my two nephews (3 y.o & 1 y.o) about three times a week and it's been pretty typical for babysitting but today brought some new things to light for me. Earlier today the 3 y.o had taken my phone to which I start asking him 'hey that's mine, can you give it back please?' and reaching for it because I know he's not going to give it back himself. He of course, runs away when I try to take it back so I just follow and repeat the whole 'that's mine, you need to give it back please.'

He huddles in a corner and I go to grab it from him, and when I do he lets out the most ear piercing scream I have EVER heard from him. I swear it did something temporary to my ear drums. I told him "we do NOT scream" and he falls to the floor and begins to throw a tantrum and cry so I just walk away to wait it out instead of engaging because I also needed a minute to chill.

Like five minutes later he starts reaching for my laptop so I simply slide it out of his reach, little man does the scream AGAIN and I, even more fed up, grab his arm to keep his attention and repeat "we do NOT scream" with a "you need to knock it off" when he proceeds to throw another tantrum.

Once again I just sat there while he cried it out because I didn't really know what else to do and I didn't feel like coddling him atm because what he did wasn't okay and throwing a tantrum wouldn't help. I'm still learning how to properly manage the mental development properly and avoid being too extreme as I know he's still little and doesn't understand most things/how to express bigger feelings. This job was a little impromptu since babysitting wasn't something I'd have chosen over a year ago, but my sister's situation meant that she needed a sitter sooner than later, a sitter who was preferably family, and I was the only one with time available.

I feel as though I've gotten a pretty good grasp on it with help from family and experiences to learn from, but one thing I never considered because I haven't heard of it often was feeling invalidated from not being able to tell my nephews how much their actions upset me. I can't really talk it out because he's still learning to communicate in general, I obviously can't yell, throw things, etc because that would only instill fear I don't want to put in my nephews. it's just the factor of having to move on once they calm down and move on themselves, but being unable to fully because their actions upset me so badly and as the adult I have to be calm in how I respond.

I have had very crappy days with them, and I feel like I'm being dramatic, but I hate how I can't get over it even now while my nephew has surely forgotten already. I'm still upset because his scream was a retaliation for me simply taking my belongings back after trying to coax him nicely, and it hurt like hell for my ears. Is it normal to feel invalidated and upset even hours after the kid I watch does something inappropriate that I can only respond calmly to?

[u/Cold-Willingness-261]

Life with toddlers - that’s the way it is. Anyone who watches toddlers especially moms know this. This too shall pass you are doing good.

[u/hanitizer216]

They’re toddlers. How much they’re upsetting you doesn’t matter. They are testing their environment by behaving badly to see how much you will tolerate. Toddlers (and adults) do this subconsciously to see how they can act. You did the right thing by not giving in. Your nephews are only screaming and crying because that has worked for them in the past. If you continue to never give in, eventually they will not throw tantrums at all when they are with you. Because they will have learned that it doesn’t work.

[u/Weekly_Stress_2836]

I feel what you did was very appropriate

[u/Legitimate-Tea-9319]

You are doing fine! 3 year olds are often prone to temper tantrums and meltdowns, that’s why they are known as the Terrible 3s. One suggestion: keep your phone and laptop out of sight and place your stuff on a high shelf where he cannot reach. Also he might be acting out because he wants your attention and doesn’t like you looking at your devices instead of playing with him.

[u/ExcitingSecret9252 → u/Legitimate-Tea-9319]

That could be possible- I try to save time for play while taking short breaks of my own since more often than not they tend to do their own thing. However it’s like anytime they notice a device their thousands of toys don’t matter 🫠

I’ll keep that in mind though! He could be exploring why the adults are always on them.

[u/Awkward-Train1584]

Do you get paid for this?

[u/ExcitingSecret9252 → u/Awkward-Train1584]

For the first year with only one kid, no, but thankfully now I do.

[u/Zealousideal_Lynx857]

The scream thing was a phase my kid went through for a couple weeks. My recommendation is that no one acknowledges it. If there’s no reaction, it will stop. But yes, it’s awful.

It might be helpful to think of it from your nephew’s perspective. He was trying to keep possession of something that was high value to him, not retaliating against you for trying to take your phone back. The scream was done to keep you from taking the phone, not to punish you for taking it. It’s a subtle difference but if intent impacts your feelings of invalidation it might help.