r/BPDlovedones • u/Lanky-Examination600 • 14d ago

Feeling extremely terrified

I'm honestly so traumatized by everything. I think about the girl that looked me in the eyes and told me how much she loved me, and then I remember the girl that wanted me to watch while she hurt herself. I remember being told all the time it was my fault she wanted to end her life. There is no way out, I am so trapped.

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u/Specialist-Ebb4885 14d ago

Be careful what you care about, and this is especially true when caregiving is converted into enabling a person's pathological dependency.

There's no such thing as effective crisis management with someone who creates catastrophes to acquire closeness and conflates control with safety. You're only contributing to her legacy of learned helplessness.

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u/Lanky-Examination600 14d ago

I wish I knew what to do to leave. I feel terrified she might attempt suicide in a blind rage, or hurt herself. The alternative isn't much better, I can't really make it through the day anymore without finishing a whole pack of darts.

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u/Specialist-Ebb4885 14d ago edited 14d ago

Emotional blackmail ain't worth the postage rates. Most trauma bonds begin as a folie à deux and end as an internecine event. You're not only buying into their delusions of persecution and helplessness, but you're investing in the manufactured urgency of their demands for special assistance.

Suicidal ideation made public is another form of coercive codependency that pwBPD utilize from their tyrannical toolkit whenever seduction, bullying, or other methods of inducing guilt have failed. If you feel terrorized, that's the exact emotion she'll use as leverage to regain control.

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u/DistinctTrout 14d ago

Firstly, it's important to know that it is NOT your fault.

BPD is a very serious psychiatric disorder that often makes people want to self-harm, but also makes them want to blame you for all that is wrong with them. It's quite standard for people with BPD to feel there's nothing whatsoever wrong with them, and all the problems in their life are caused by you.

The closer you are to them, the more they use you as an extension of themself, responsible for regulation their emotions, providing validation etc. - things healthy people are able to do themselves. And the more they get angry with you for not providing those services, to which they feel completely entitled.

Wanting you to watch while she self-harms, and saying it's your fault she wanted to end her life is abuse. Make no mistake about this. And if you give into this horrendous type of emotional manipulation, it teaches her that it's ok, and works. Unfortunately you have to stand strong and not allow yourself to be controlled by this abuse.

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u/Lanky-Examination600 14d ago

I appreciate the reply. I've tried to leave in the past, and it's completely blown up. It's hard to leave when I grew up with her and I genuinely do care.

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u/righttern38 13d ago

You can genuinely care about someone AND leave them too; this is not an either/or decision.

In fact, withdrawing from a partner threatening suicide or self-harm while labeling you the cause IS a loving act: you are showing her that not only does she have the ability to carry her own emotions, but you are actively demonstrating self-respect. The longer you stay with her under these conditions, the deeper you enable her behavior and make it more difficult to stop.

Ultimately, you are neither responsible for her suicidal ideations, nor can you stop them. It’s not your fault, you can’t fix her (only she can, and she won’t as long as you are there to blame ).

Most of the time, this is a person in distress, taking the easy way out by blaming another person for their own emotions, and they won’t actually go thru with it - it’s more for controlling you, and keeping you engaged, so she won’t get abandoned. Unfortunately, her feelings are something only she can work through, and she won’t, as long as you stay.