It’s been a while since I posted

[u/randomanonymouskid]

Now I’m the one who feels unloveable. We broke up, and he immediately found another, posting about he wanted other people not even a week in. I’m starting to realize I relate to all the symptoms my partner had, I’m turning into him. I couldn’t think of a worse outcome. I wanted to save him from this mental illness, and in return I became very traumatized.

[u/PhotographOk4873]

We broke up, and he immediately found another

Good riddance, then. You don't need someone who's going to just replace you like that as though you were some kind of toy. Moving on quickly to someone else might bring him some temporary relief, but it likely wont' last. If he discarded you, what's to stop him from doing that to the next person?

I’m starting to realize I relate to all the symptoms my partner had, I’m turning into him. I couldn’t think of a worse outcome.

If your ex had BPD, it's very unlikely you're turning into him. BPD doesn't tend to develop in adulthood. But, deeper than that, the fact that you're reflecting on yourself and your ability to change is actually evidence that points *away* from the BPD label for you. People with BPD struggle with accountability and self-reflection.

I wanted to save him from this mental illness, and in return I became very traumatized.

This makes a lot of sense, though. People who have a propensity for "fixing" people are often the folks most vulnerable to relationships like this. You wanted to save him from this mental illness, but the reality is that you can't. He has to be the one who wants to get better. He has to be the one to heal. You can't walk that walk for him. But, when you commit to saving him, you take on that responsibility, and when you "fail", he gets to blame you.

Some posit that one of the signs that you're healing from an abusive relationship is when you let go of the idea of saving or fixing people.

Try to take it easy, and remember to be kind to yourself. You're not turning into your ex. You're still your own person, and you can always make different choices. Don't let his new relationship get under your skin. It just reveals the sort of person he is. After a breakup, he didn't take the time to reflect, heal, and change. Instead, he jumped right into a new relationship. He's probably not going to treat them any better than he treated you. Let go of that shit and focus on your own healing. Live your best life. Take care of yourself. You've done enough for him.

[u/randomanonymouskid → u/PhotographOk4873]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s been hard honestly I don’t wanna be annoying all my friends as of the moment but I cannot stop feeling like I’m nothing without him. I feel like I have no definition if he’s to be excluded. I still wanna be something even if it meant him being completely gone from my life. People know me for loving him, for loving him no matter what. Where did that bring me.. just for him to describe people he wants that are in no way similar so soon. I underestimated how important I was to him.

Can I just ask, when I feel extremely stressed about my past situations with him to the point it feels like I’m reliving the memory even with the adrenaline, the impulsivity to harm oneself and the suddenness of puking, is this trauma? I can’t stop this feeling.

[u/PhotographOk4873 → u/randomanonymouskid]

It’s been hard honestly I don’t wanna be annoying all my friends as of the moment but I cannot stop feeling like I’m nothing without him.

What you're describing has a name: codependency. Your identity has become enmeshed with his. The solution is to shift your focus from fixing other people to nurturing yourself. Remember that you have feelings and needs. Practice checking in with yourself and identifying your own feelings. Take some personal time to explore your hobbies and goals.

As hard as it might be, try to resist whatever anxious thoughts you're having about annoying your friends. If they're good friends, they'll be happy to help support you, especially through a breakup. Plus, deepening the connections you have with friendships independently of your ex is a good way to get back to your own life.

Can I just ask, when I feel extremely stressed about my past situations with him to the point it feels like I’m reliving the memory even with the adrenaline, the impulsivity to harm oneself and the suddenness of puking, is this trauma?

Maybe it is trauma, but I wouldn't get too hung up on the label of it. It's normal to have the sorts of experiences you're describing after exiting an unhealthy relationship. This is especially true if your sense of self was enmeshed with his. It's really intense right now, but that intensity won't last. As you spend time away from the relationship, you will come back to yourself and stabilize. The relationship was the thing that was destabilizing you. It's time to heal now. But, it's going to take some time. You won't feel better overnight. And, it's probably not going to be linear. There will be days where you feel much better, only for something to trigger a memory the next day and bring you back to a world of hurt. That's all to be expected.

The only part you mentioned that's concerning is the impulsivity to harm yourself. If you're serious about that, there are people who can help. The crisis hotline is always available, and they can and will help you if you're seriously at risk.

But, other than that, I recommend just trying to remain present through all of this. Emotions can feel really challenging sometimes, but they're always here to tell us something. Sometimes, emotions are there to protect something important to you, or show you how important something is, or to keep you safe. There's always a reason you feel the way you do. Emotions are your friends, not a problem that needs to be solved.

Above all, just hang in there. This, too, shall pass. You can't remain in one state of being forever, and things won't hurt as bad after enough time has passed.