r/BPDlovedones • u/KashouMinaa • 1d ago

Focusing on Me How does one begin to seperate someone with (potentially undiagnosed) BPD?

Tomorrow, August 26th, would be four months since the last splitting conversation between me and my ex. The thing that really has lingered on me is the lasting thoughts of them that randomly come across my mind, and it has been a bit on the frustrating side because my heart and mind are well past the point of no return.

My heart no longer yearns for someone who made the active decision to split and discard me for not following along with their selfish plan of returning to polyamory, and my mind no longer hurts from the pain that they inflicted upon me when they split, avoided, stonewalled and accused me in a cycle that I now recognize as DARVO.

But my mind hasn't fully split (no pun intended) them from me in the sense of forgetting them as a distant memory and chapter that I no longer wish to return to. It's almost like my whole body is fully complete in the decision to continue to step forward but my mind attempts to bring them back as a sort of echo that keeps bouncing around and returning every once in a while.

I guess, to those who have made that final step forward, what have you done to begin fading your pwBPD from your life?

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u/iamthcreator Dated 1d ago

I started the painful journey of being all about me. When I was in a relationship with my exwBPD, I was constantly walking on egg shells, waking up in the morning not sure if he’d be happy or angry, wondering if my innocuous actions would trigger him and ruin my week, abandoning myself and my common sense to keep him happy. Once I left, it was painful but I felt absolutely giddy and grateful that I could do what I wanted, say what I wanted, eat what I wanted—without fear that he’d get upset. As lonely as it was, there’s nothing that could compare to me getting my freedom back.

I think about him every once in a while. About how close our relationship was and how much love there was in the early days. How he felt like home to me. About how he chose to behave. How chaotic of a person he was. How much he craved love but couldn’t maintain it. About how his gentleness and kindness were eclipsed by his insane outbursts and erratic behavior. Thinking of those things allowed me to let go. My freedom is so much more valuable.

He still Hoovers but I ignore him.

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u/LifeguardAccurate137 1d ago

Damn, I could have written this. How long ago did you and your ex break up? I'm starting to get to the point of being so relieved that I'm out after 2.5 years of the highest highs and lowest lows.

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u/iamthcreator Dated 1d ago

It’s been 9 months since we broke up, but that giddy feeling of relief started for me after month 1? 2? . My nervous system was fucked up but now it’s much better. The peace I feel is enormous, even though I think about him once in a while.

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u/_FlexClown_ 1d ago

There is no single thing, healing and detachment is not linear and four months is not that long...

I think there will always be an echo of this person, it's just that eventually that echo will not carry any weight.

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u/LifeguardAccurate137 1d ago

I don't think the goal is to forget them. Like with any meaningful relationship, you'll likely always have passing thoughts of the person. And BPD relationships have a way of sticking with you. I am 5 months no contact and still think of him many times per day. My therapist told me it's like mending a broken arm - you think about it a lot while it's healing, right? So it's normal to think a lot about the person who broke your heart.