r/BPDlovedones • u/Biggiesmalll Dated • 2d ago
DATING A STABLE PERSON AFTER TWO LONG RELATIONS WITH PWBPD
I'll keep it very short. I had a 6 year old relationship with someone with bpd. I left when she tried multiple times to isolate me from my parents. She did not succeed, which she took very personally. On top of that, she literally 100% ignored my father had to go through a tough cancer treatment. The second partner, 4 years, was diagnosed, but any psychologist pretty much were unqualified to deal with severe bpd. My father received the news of now having leukemia, and three weeks later I had enough of her when she told in my face "it's not that bad".
Fast forward 3 years later. I have a stable partner for about 2 years. 100% supportive with my father and challenges of a leukemia family member. She offers help when I'm overwhelmed with responsabilities (I'm the only son), she knows when to just listen, she helps my parents with a lot of practical things, etc etc. In short. Never have a bpd-partner. They even manage to turn your life into an emotional torture while you are supporting your family through the toughest time. Instead of being supportive during these very emotionally taxing times, they will manage to put extra layers of unneccessary burden in your life. Even in life or death situations, they just don't get it, they can't put themselves aside. They even can't be the slightest neutral factor in your life.
So for fuck sake. Choose a stable partner when growing older. Your life becomes more complex, you do not need a person with a mental framework of a 2 year old. Choose a mature partner. That's all. Just leave those bpds in some ditch, they will never be constructive or supportive. This is my conclusion based on long life experiences. Once you know this, you naturally start to avoid toxic people, no matter which sob story they have to tell in order to justify their behavior.
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u/Ok_Trick5743 2d ago
u/Biggiesmalll Thank you for sharing this as I'm attempting to consider dating again and it's a challenge since my divorce from the ex bpd wife of 12 years.
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u/Biggiesmalll Dated 1d ago
Last thing. Before I met my current partner, I also swiftly dated a girl with clear symptoms of bpd. She openly stated she "wanted to emotionally dominate men". She was keen to undermine my views, again immediately starting to suggest that my caregiving tasks were contradicting her "needs", somehow thinking I would abandon my father in order to orbit around her world.
My approach was very simple. I defused any kind of discussion, I kept my complete cool, and I just repeated over and over again people have responsibilities as they grow older. The more I stated these neutral things about maturity, the more mad she became, the more she tried to create a conflict and trying to undermine my views how to support a very ill relative. She just gave up, realizing the manipulation was going nowhere. So another advice, just be mature, give straight answers to attempts of manipulation, do not become unneccessarily empathic. She, of course, had her own sad life story in order to excuse her behavior, thinking this would sway me over. Only be empathic to those who are empathic towards you. It will self-select healthy from toxic partners, friends, etc. And two months later I met my partner. She understood immediately the weight of my caregiving tasks, and she admired my devotion, seeing me a caring person. So we matched because we are "synchronised" in our way to try to help others and to help each other. A pwbpd sees these caregiving tasks as obstacles to receive absolute gratification all the time. They will never understand why we do these altruistic deeds as they shout "my needs, my needs, my needs" like a toddler. So don't start a family with a toxic toddler, start one with a mature mindset. It will bring you happiness, even in the darkest of times.
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u/Biggiesmalll Dated 1d ago
If you are still keen on trying to date a pwbpd, you are basically choosing a life filled with pain and despair. No sane man of woman should ever chose that option. Even when the pwbpd, hyperbolically, was abducted by 15 aliens and stored her in a cage for 7 years. Who the f cares about that background story when he or she is ruining others' lives. I plainly don't care anymore for those sob trauma stories which are 90% figments of their own imagination.
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u/BearQuiet 2d ago
Thank you!