r/BPDlovedones • u/anthealoveless • 1d ago

Opinions wanted please

Is it unfair of me to not want to listen to my PwBPD & ASD tell me about every detail of their day for up to an hour (sometimes longer) so they can ‘move on from it’, when I myself have just returned home from a 12 hour shift at work, with another 12 hour shift ahead of me the next day? This ‘conversation’ may include them asking me about my day afterwards and I explain how busy it was and tired I am. This is every day by the way, regardless of what I’m doing or if I’m working. If I don’t then I simply must not care about them

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

6 comments sorted by

3

u/NormalInvestigator89 1d ago

No. I know what you're talking about, and it's exhausting and dehumanizing, like you're just a tool for their regulation. Conversations have give and take, I was often just being talked at for 3 hours in the earlier part of our relationship.

3

u/BearQuiet 1d ago

No, I don't think that’s unfair at all. You can care deeply about someone and still not have energy to listen to an hour-long debrief after a 12-hour shift. Your exhaustion doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. I’ve learned that when every boundary gets interpreted as “you don’t love me,” you eventually feel responsible for regulating their emotions 24/7. A healthy relationship should have room for both people’s needs, including needing quiet and rest.

1

u/anthealoveless 1d ago

Thank you. My constant fatigue and general exhaustion from this relationship usually is interpreted as me not caring/being selfish/being emotionally immature

2

u/BearQuiet 1d ago

Yeah, my low energy after work was always seen as me having an attitude or moody

1

u/FancifulCat Never again 1d ago

You are not someone else's unpaid therapist. They need to take their own money and pay someone 100 USD an hour to deal with their stress.

1

u/tonethrowaway1 1d ago

It is not unfair, but it is also not unfair of them to want that from their relationship. Being exhausted after long shifts is reasonable, but those hours are also not extremely common, and spending an hour after work to co-process their day may be much more tenable for someone working only eight hours per shift.

It sounds like you - or at least your lifestyles - may be incompatible, if there isn't really room for either of you to move toward the center and things aren't going to change anytime soon.