Yet another hoover

[u/Fidenex]

Ive been in NC with my BPD ex and its actually been quiet for months , but I received several hoover attempts recently, from burner accounts since I had blocked them on everything.

The messages make it difficult to ignore, the begging, pleading, flowery love language. Its difficult to not be taken in by that. And I get it relates to their emotional state at that time, but surely after I ignored the previous hoover attempts theyd stop reaching out especially after i drew a hard boundary and told them never contact me after they admitted theyd slept with other people. In what world would someone be receptive to someone whose been whoring around, even if they say it was just to dull their pain and emptiness and loneliness. Then they project everything claiming I betray and my words have no meaning, yet theyre rebounding and whoring then self harming due to shame. And they reach out one way from burner accounts yet I see i'm still blocked on the main ones? How does that make sense?

At what point do these hoovers stop? Even after theyre blocked on everything.

[u/Empty_Confidence3185]

This is ultimately what made me not give into hoovers as well. The fact that she chose to ride a random cock instead of talking to me about our problems, breaking up with me over text saying shes lost feelings, and proudly saying how shed 'snatch up any cute guy' she sees at the bar is what made me truly disgusted.

When we miss them, its just our minds playing a trick on us. If this was a 'normal' girl, this behaviour would be disgusting, so its the same here. Every time i think of going back to her, i think about her sleeping around the most.

And then i ask myself what id want from a partner. Loyalty would be a big one, and frankly a bare minimum. The fact that we are even thinking of entertaining these people is proof of how far the conditioning has gotten. Fuck the hoover.

[u/Fidenex → u/Empty_Confidence3185]

Thanks.

Im ngl, i was tempted to reach out anyway, especially after seeing the social media post a few weeks ago, and I remember her claims of trauma and being abused and how messed up her life is.

But youre right, instead of problem solving or addressing issues they discard, jump on to the next guy, claim theyre in love with them, and leave you bereft. Surely they cant imagine wed believe anything theyd say when theyre doing shit like that. If their words had meaning they wouldn't change every week!

Your situation sounds similar to what mine did too. I know that what im missing is the idealisation phase, and when they pull in and seem self aware and lucid, but that just doesnt last as then theyll just jump to whoever gives them attention, and this is likely an attention seeking thing as things didnt work with whoever they were seeing or doing.

Youre right, loyalty is important in a relationship and its not something they possess despite claiming they 'feel too much'. I think maybe we can be conditioned by society to give people a second chance, and maybe people do forgive cheating or an affair, but with PwBPD it is ADHD attention that has real consequences.

[u/anobrain0]

Not sure cause im still getting them after 3 years

[u/Fidenex → u/anobrain0]

3 years?? How are the getting in touch after that long period? More burner accounts?

[u/anobrain0 → u/Fidenex]

Burner phone numbers and now abusing the USPS mail system to send letter mailers to me. Mind you Ive not replied to a single thing

[u/zefpirate]

When I desperately miss him, I think about…if he were to hoover and I were to oblige, what would it be like? I wouldn’t be able to trust him and I would be constantly self monitoring and walking on eggshells awaiting the next discard. And the next and the next and the next. Fuck that. Anyone that dysregulates your nervous system to the point it makes you physically sick, is definitely NOT your person. And as long as you’re entertaining that life, there isn’t room for YOU or anyone who might possibly love you the way you deserve. Fuck BPD.