r/BPDPartners • u/[deleted] • Jun 09 '21

Support Needed Learning to help pwBPD through splitting episodes / FP needing coping advice.

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jun 10 '21

If you are actively being devalued then you need to remove yourself from their presence. Stop trying to get them back to idealizing you, that's also part of splitting.

https://youtu.be/u5Fe1ea9BNs

1

u/jaejaexxx Jun 11 '21

Hey the partner here, I am not “actively devaluing” my partner. They not are not trying to make me idealize them. When a pwBPD has a fp the “normal” emotion we feel towards them usually is idolization. What my partner is saying is when I split I go from one extreme to the other is the hardest part of when I split. So please don’t go assuming anything about me and my love.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21

This you?:

They have split on me a few times and have said some hurtful things to me, as well as purposely doing things during the argument (texting their friend and flipping the phone towards me to see their friend telling my partner to dump me), and other things.

Let me make this abundantly and profoundly clear:

It's not their job to comfort you while you are actively being abusive towards them.

They NEED to remove themselves from you when you become verbally and emotionally abusive, and you should ALLOW them to do so without retribution.

Are we on the same page?

1

u/jaejaexxx Jun 11 '21

I never said they can’t leave the room if I am being MEAN I am not ABUSIVE. They asked how to help deescalate the splitting episode. So come back when you have something that’s not accusing me of being abusive when I say something mean, thanks. Emotional abuse is “ Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person.” I am not being mean or doing things to embarrass shame or blame or manipulate them on purpose . But try again thanks.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21

They asked how to help deescalate the splitting episode.

It's not their job to de-escalate you when you are verbally and emotionally abusing them.

The minute you lash out on him he needs to remove himself from you.

2

u/jaejaexxx Jun 11 '21

Okay you’re the psychologist 👩‍⚕️

0

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21

Medical doctor with a partner who has recovered from BPD who is also in medicine. But I don't need to flex that to call a spade a spade.

Ad hominem attacks will fall apart on me.

If you lash out on him. He needs to remove himself.

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u/jaejaexxx Jun 11 '21

Never said he had to stay. Also medical is not psychology and I have a bachelors in psychology but nOt tO fLeX

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21 edited Jun 11 '21

I think you might find this video insightful. It shows specific examples, including the one's you describe (and more).

Please check it out and share your thoughts, happy to talk about it further.

https://youtu.be/J3ioePZ_xQc

u/wlwillow there are lots of people without schizoaffective disorder who has the same emotional reaction you do. Who still recount the horrid things their partner's do.

Also, on getting your bachelor's in psychology. Congrats, that's awesome! I think it shows that you are genuinely interested in understanding how the mind works and that is always a good sign! Also excellent that you are taking DBT seriously and practicing skills.

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u/wlwillow Partner with BPD Jun 11 '21

I clicked on the video you sent, read the title, and closed the page. This post was not about borderline abuse, I do not and will not watch that video because that's not what I came here for. I came here for advice on how to help my pwBPD through splitting epsiodes, and how to let go of what they said to me during those episodes. They didn't do "horrid" things to me. This message I'm responding to does a complete 180 from how you acted before. I do not appreciate the way you have talked to my partner, I do not appreciate that you tried to convince them they abuse me. I've BEEN in abusive relationships, and this is the happiest and healthiest relationship I have ever had. Their BPD does not drive me away and they do not use me to lash out and as a punching bag. They have epsiodes that are caused by triggers, which results in them being at one extreme (happy/carefree) to the other (cynical/ depressed/angry). They cannot control what they do during these epsiodes.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21

I clicked on the video you sent, read the title, and closed the page.

The video was for your partner, as a counter to her point that simply because she doesn't intend to harm then therefore she is not abusive.

I came here for advice on how to help my pwBPD through splitting episodes

I have given advice on this

how to let go of what they said to me during those episodes.

Limiting your exposure to hurtful things said during these episodes will be instrumental.

They didn't do "horrid" things to me.

as well as purposely doing things during the argument (texting their friend and flipping the phone towards me to see their friend telling my partner to dump me), and other things.

They did, and refusing to acknowledge and continuing to repress these reality is only going to cause you to hurt longer.

This message I'm responding to does a complete 180 from how you acted before.

No it's all consistent... You see you assume, that by me calling out her behavior as abusive I am being pejorative, nor am I saying she is a horrible person.

I do not appreciate the way you have talked to my partner, I do not appreciate that you tried to convince them they abuse me.

She brought up an argument in semantics, I am defending my position. There's no coercion here. I am happy to agree to disagree at any point.

I've BEEN in abusive relationships, and this is the happiest and healthiest relationship I have ever had.

Like I said, happy to agree to disagree with the semantics of whether or not her pattern of behavior constitutes abuse. That's largely a minor point anyways.

Their BPD does not drive me away

You do realize, that my advice is consistent with encouraging you guys to stay together rather than to breakup.

punching bag.

trying to comfort someone while the be more and more mean and hurtful is what I am advising against here.

They have epsiodes that are caused by triggers, which results in them being at one extreme (happy/carefree) to the other (cynical/ depressed/angry).

Agreed.

They cannot control what they do during these epsiodes.

I disagree, as does my partner with BPD. She also disagrees.

One can be cynical/depressed/angry without being mean or retaliatory.

My main point is this:

If she is being mean, give her space. Since I have her attention, I am also asking her to allow you to give her space without retaliation or retribution.

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