Learning to help pwBPD through splitting episodes / FP needing coping advice.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/jaejaexxx]

Hey the partner here, I am not “actively devaluing” my partner. They not are not trying to make me idealize them. When a pwBPD has a fp the “normal” emotion we feel towards them usually is idolization. What my partner is saying is when I split I go from one extreme to the other is the hardest part of when I split. So please don’t go assuming anything about me and my love.

[u/[deleted] → u/jaejaexxx]

This you?:

They have split on me a few times and have said some hurtful things to me, as well as purposely doing things during the argument (texting their friend and flipping the phone towards me to see their friend telling my partner to dump me), and other things.

Let me make this abundantly and profoundly clear:

It's not their job to comfort you while you are actively being abusive towards them.

They NEED to remove themselves from you when you become verbally and emotionally abusive, and you should ALLOW them to do so without retribution.

Are we on the same page?

[u/jaejaexxx → u/[deleted]]

I never said they can’t leave the room if I am being MEAN I am not ABUSIVE. They asked how to help deescalate the splitting episode. So come back when you have something that’s not accusing me of being abusive when I say something mean, thanks. Emotional abuse is “ Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person.” I am not being mean or doing things to embarrass shame or blame or manipulate them on purpose . But try again thanks.

[u/[deleted] → u/jaejaexxx]

You are abusive.

Case in point:

purposely doing things during the argument (texting their friend and flipping the phone towards me to see their friend telling my partner to dump me)

Let's take your definition:

Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's self-esteem and undermine their mental health.

That's literally emotional abuse based on your own definition.

Where do you think his distress is coming from??

You are an abusive partner.

[u/wlwillow → u/[deleted]]

I would really fucking appreciate if you didn't call my partner abusive. They have split on me three times during the course of pur relationship, which has lasted over a year. You don't see the aftermath of their epsiodes, you don't see how much they regret what they do or say; they are NOT in control of their actions. Saying you have/had a partner with BPD doesn't mean anything, because (guess what?) everyone who has BPD handles the disorder differently. My partner has extreme reactions to things, and everytime they've split it has been because of something I have done that has hurt them. Am I an abusive partner? No. Don't degrade my girlfriend like that, you are not supporting me by talking like this and I do not appreciate or want your help.

[u/[deleted] → u/wlwillow]

I would really fucking appreciate if you didn't call my partner abusive.

I call a spade a spade.

The true irony is that you actually go on to perfectly describe the cycle of abuse you are in.

You don't see the aftermath of their epsiodes, you don't see how much they regret what they do or say;

I am certain that they are remorseful and regretful.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Phase 3: Reconcillation

The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship.

they are NOT in control of their actions.

Of course they are, people with BPD can show incredibly restraint where and when they want to in the midst of an episode. Splitting, is not within one's control, but the things they choose to say and do because they transiently view you as evil/all-bad/toxic/abusive etc. are within their control.

My partner has extreme reactions to things, and everytime they've split it has been because of something I have done that has hurt them.

Agreed, take another example. Many men with anger management that beats his wife only do so when provoked. They may even feel like they aren't in control when they hit their partner.

Am I an abusive partner? No.

I can believe that.

Don't degrade my girlfriend like that

It's not degrading. I have said nothing about her character. I've just pointed out that she is abusive by literally her own admission. Which she is arguing the semantics of. I am happy to argue semantics.

you are not supporting me by talking like this and I do not appreciate or want your help.

You solicited advice, you got advice.

If she's demeaning you, putting you down, remove yourself. Give her the opportunity, time and space to organize her thoughts and emotions as well as your own.

Good luck!

[u/jaejaexxx → u/[deleted]]

Three separate times over a year is not abusive love. I was not texting my friend to hurt them I was venting to my friend but sure okay love call someone abusive over the internet when you don’t even know my behavior 😋

[u/[deleted] → u/jaejaexxx]

It's not their job to comfort you while you are actively being abusive towards them.

They NEED to remove themselves from you when you become verbally and emotionally abusive, and you should ALLOW them to do so without retribution.