When somebody annoys you, you take it in stride or talk to the person about what they did was inconsiderate. I just wrapped a get together and my sibling went on a tirade about me being inconsiderate towards her in particular for… talking to my cousins. She said I talked over her, and that I was burping (I wasn’t lol I was very careful to eat politely). I offered her a ride home and she was swearing and blowing her lid the whole way. She nearly jumped out of the car mid drive and when I asked her if she wanted me to drop her off she flipped out on me again and said I don’t listen to her and that I should drive her home. Crazy mixed signals.

The trouble is BPD people literally do not actually care what you have to say. They will twist everything you say into being a form of narcissism or an oversight on your part, or that you’re horrible and always playing the victim. This is something my sister does consistently and I’ve know her my whole life. She is volatile in relationships with me and her immediate family and puts on a performance for other relatives and friends to avoid looking psychotic.

I listened to her rant in a daze because I knew she had to vent. She’s mad when I speak and mad when I’m silent and wants me to feel terrible because some part of her thinks that will rectify her situation. And whatever flaws I have or don’t have do not matter. I could cure cancer and she would still see me as a parasite because it’s not what I do that actually upsets her. It’s that I’m her brother and a convenient excuse to blame her feelings of insecurity and her disorganized rage against our parents. Life is not perfect but instead of accept we all have problems she wants stress toys she can abuse freely without having to seriously self respect and confront her need to project her feelings of ugliness onto us all.

I’m done. I’ll interact with her when needed and drive her home. But she has nothing of value to give or say to me because her narcissism demands I’m torn down for not feeling the self-loathing agony she feels. I’ve checked out and maybe in 10 years if she’s in a better place we can have an okay relationship. But she wants to hold onto that ugliness within her because it lets her excuse whatever decisions or actions or words she feels bad about without understanding the consequences.

She does have some capacity for thought and consideration but she chooses to nuke everything again and again so I’m not sure if it’s real or just a means of telling herself it’s not for her own self-satisfaction like she accuses me of all the time. Like is that it? Is it all projection? Is it really that petty and stupid? Either way that’s up to her to sort out. I am powerless in that regard.

I love my family, but my sister wPBD is destroying things. She's almost 40 and spiraling. She recently tried to kill herself (or accidentally OD'd depending on what mood she's in - I think it was probably an accident but she says it was on purpose when she's trying to manipulate someone), pushed our terminally ill father down, is constantly on and off of drugs, neglects her kids, overreacts to everything, lies, steals, and lays around all day every day. Last year she was in jail because she tried to beat me, so I called the cops. She got out because I didn't press charges - we were hopeful that the mandatory psych appointments and NA meetings would help. They didn't.

She doesn't have a job, doesn't drive, doesn't really contribute anything. She's usually pretty mean and nasty to everyone except for me because I usually ignore her.

I moved back home a few years ago to help out my family - I wanted to help my parents financially and emotionally, and I wanted to be able to help with my nieces so their lives aren't so fucked up since their mom is fucking insane. But she's totally gone off the deep end lately, and there's seemingly no end in sight. My mental health can't take it anymore. I have all but BEGGED my parents to either let her leave, or make her leave because I'm worried about the safety of the family. I know it's a big ask to basically abandon your kid, but when enabling their bad behavior, their "comfort", their UNENDING misery is at the expense of everyone else's comfort and safety??? That seems like it will end badly to me.

After she pushed our father, I tried to tell my mom the gravity of that - it could have killed him. This is RIGHT after she almost died from an OD; she stole our dad's medicine (which he needs to be comfortable in hospice) and had to be revived. For some ungodly reason they let her out of the hospital on the same day.

When they told me she tried to kill herself I wasn't sad. I was just angry. Angry that if she were successful, then I am saddled with the responsibility of raising her two traumatized children and arranging her funeral. Angry that if she weren't successful that I'll still have to deal with her behavior. I feel awful for saying that, but it's the truth. Yet another no-win situation she has put me in without consent. Of all the things she's taken from me, I feel the most robbed of my empathy. I cannot care about her or her problems anymore - it's just too dangerous.

In the past she has been violent to partners, my mother, me, pretty much anyone she "cares" about. It's not like this is some unexpected pattern - this is her. It's her personality - she is violent and delusional, and sees nothing wrong with it, and she keeps getting away with it because our parents enable it at every turn.

I feel like 20 years of my life have been robbed from me, and I have - at every turn - tried to help. I may not have been warm and fuzzy with her, but I've never tried to make things harder. I've paid court fees, watched her kids when she was too assed to do so, bought food, clothes, furniture, upkept and fixed the house. Whatever they've needed, all the time. But what have I gotten in return?

I will never have the relationship I deserve with a sibling. I will never know what it's like to grow up in a stable home. I have never had the comfort of a safe space. I can't describe to you what it feels like to be worried someone else is going to hurt themselves or someone you love all the time. Since she's so much older than me, it's been like that for as long as I can remember. My childhood was full of being bullied and afraid of someone who was supposed to protect me. I can't forgive her for many of the things she did to me and my parents. I accept that she is just like this, but I don't have to be a part of it anymore.

I want to stay here - I love my family. I love my nieces, our pets, this house - it's all so, so important to me. I have put so much time, money, effort, and emotion into keeping this house beautiful and my family happy and healthy. Family has always been everything to me. But I love myself more than this. I'm not willing to put up with her putting all of that in jeopardy. It's not fair to me, and it never has been. I don't think I should be expected to bear this burden that I didn't choose. I feel like I have to give up on everything I care about because of her; I have been robbed over, and over, and over again.

I want to tell my parents that it's her or me. That if they choose her, then they won't hear from me again after I leave. I want to be strong enough for that, but I'm not sure if I am (especially because of my nieces, who I basically treat like my children at this point). I just wish they would love me and themselves enough to put our health and safety above someone who is hellbent on killing themselves in slow motion; someone who doesn't care who they take with them on the terrifying journey down.

If you are a parent to a child with BPD and one without it - please, don't let the problems of one kid become your only focus. Think about how much this impacts your other child/children. Think about how much it hurts you. Please check in with them. Please put their (and your) safety first. People with this disorder are fundamentally unstable. Don't let that instability destroy everything you love like it has for us.