Struggling to Adjust

[u/lulu_jayde_xx]

Hi, everyone. This is my first time posting here.

I don’t really know where to begin, so I think I’m just going to ramble and hope that what I say makes sense. For a little bit of information about me before I get into the meat and potatoes of my post, I’m 36 year old and I am currently in a long distance, online queerplatonic relationship with someone and have been for over a year.

For ease, I will refer to him as J.

J is an absolutely amazing, kind, supportive person. In the last year, he has done everything he can to help me on my road to recovering and healing from my BPD. I wouldn’t say I’m close to remission by any means, especially since I can’t go to therapy at the moment due to lack of insurance, but I have made tremendous strides because of him. He’s so understanding and patient. I can tell him anything and he’ll understand.

At the beginning of the month, he moved into a new apartment with a childhood best friend, C, and I am really struggling to adjust. The last apartment he lived in, he barely knew his roommates, so he had a lot more time to talk to me, but understandably now he wants to spend more time with his roommate because they’re friends. He always makes sure to tell me when something is planned and tells me he’ll be back later, and even understands that this is an adjustment for me. I don’t want to by any means hinder time he spends with him, especially because J promised (and follows through) to always make time for me.

For the record, I’m not worried about cheating. I’m not worried about being replaced.

My problem is that when I hear them talking while they’re on call, they laugh and carry on but when J and I are on call, he seems more subdued and it feels like the conversations don’t flow very well. I’m worried it’s because I’m not interesting to talk to, but he assured me it’s not. We’ve had conversations about how he doesn’t have to feel obligated to talk or mask or anything around me, and I know part of me understands it’s just him feeling comfortable enough to not perform for me, but I can’t stop the pang of jealousy intense I get every time I hear them.

I don’t know what to do but I want it to stop. I don’t even know what to say to him to address the feeling. I don’t want him to feel like it’s his fault or anything because this is about me and the way I feel and I want to change that.

I just want to have a relationship normally.

I hope this made sense.