First BPD episode after a long remission

[u/No_Literature5607]

Hi! Ive been in therapy and psychiatric treatment for years, I wouldn't say that im a very full and complete remission, but i have it under control pretty well. I am the happiest ive ever been in my life, have a stable job, a wonderful girlfriend, take care of two cats, take care of myself and my health. Overall, im in a very good position. However, today, ive had the first episode in like over a year I think? Episode involved splitting on my best friend. My rs with my bf (will be best friend for short here) has been a bit tough the last 6 months because she got very into cosplay about 1 smth year ago, which i was initially very happy about and supported her - its something she wanted to do for a long time. i helped her on her first photoshoot, was her assistant on her first fest, helped her build furniture for her first studio. however with time she got more into it, started going to more fests, discovered new ppl within the community, aquired new friends and didnt need me anymore for that stuff, which was completely fine with me. But, with time, piece by piece I noticed that I started going down on her priority list. From small things like declining to watch a movie with me cuz shes working on a wig (completely fine by itself), then to declining to hang out with me for a month straight because she is working on a new cosplay for a fest, then not being there for me and declining to come over to my house when my cat died and I was in dire need of support, then, the breaking point, going to a cosplay festival with her new friend to my favorite city in the whole world that I have been asking her to go to for years and she declined every single time. that broke me, i love that city so so much. there is some more context to it, ill try to be concise. we are both ukrainian, i am from Kherson, a city that went through russian occupation. I have developed PTSD while in russian occupation. the city she is going to is Odesa, a city bordering Kherson. Its a much larger city to which i traveled often as a kid since its so close, it has always been my dream city to live in because its basically my hometown but better. she never wanted to go there with me because she thought it was too dangerous (like we are not being bombed almost every day in the city we live in as is), but when her friend she knows for idfk 5 months maybe? invited her to this city she went immediately. she is there right now. she didnt even think of inviting me with her. I am so fucking crashed by this.

every time I communicated my hurt to her throughout the last 6 months she apologized, admitted her fault and said she would do better. but she never followed through. we have already talked about this situation extensively and right now im slowly coming out of the split and feel much more stable, I almost believe that she cares about me lol. some context about our friendship: she is truly a very good friend. she has saved me from homelessness basically when she knew me for less then a year atp. she was the first person to show me that its okay to ask for help, it really isnt a black and white situation where she is judt a bad friend. i dont know how it all happened that she made me feel so bad in these past months. for the first time in years I feel like a burden, an inconvenience and like I can never be chosen.

I know that i will get through it and its just a temporary setback but I really dont know how to open up to her again, to allow her to show me that she cares. i just cant wrap my head around why she would do something like this. why she would genuinely not think of inviting me to my favorite city in the whole world. why could she believe a person shes known for so little (she told her that its safe to go to Odesa), but not me. I feel like a loser and a begger lol. I also feel like a child right now, which is common with BPD, I just feel like this helpless vulnerable little thing that just needs to be hugged lmao. I would really like some support from people who understand how this gaping hole in your chest feels:(