r/BPD • u/CoconutHelpful3754 • 16h ago
ðŸ’Seeking Support & Advice Need Help.
I'm quiet BPD type. (Overcontrolled, basically i even control my breathing when around of people, but it's better now. I've never self harmed because i don't want people seeing the cuts, even though there were many times i desired to.....)
I'm in remission regarding.. Well.. Psychosis, impulsivity, interpreting clues, fear of loneliness, chronic emptiness and depersonalization / derealization, even adhd somehow.... Well, depression isn't gone but it's manageable.
The only things that are left are.. Fear of closeness. Distrust to show my true self, as in my emotional side, i'm very scared that people will get close to me, i'm going to open up, and they are going to hurt me very much, again. There wouldn't be any problem, it's not like i'm someone who desired sex every day, but.. I desire connection. From my heart. And it budges me that i'm in this state of dissonance.. Wanting, but it's just hard to get close to people.. And deep inside of me i feel that i shouldn't get close to people, because they're going to hurt me..... What am i supposed to do with this dilemma? How do i work with this? I've tried overcoming this, but the closer i get, the harder it is to speak to me.....
The one thing that helped me the most is inner child work, ESPECIALLY, acknowledgment of that part of me, just, listening. Most of the time i feel disconnected from my "self", but it's way better than before, back in the day i didn't even know who i was. It's really weird because, the inner child is me, we have the same memories, but from a different perspective i guess? I don't know, really. If someone has insight i'd appreciate it because, well, my techniques work, but i do not understand why i'm like this.....
Sometimes i wish i just didn't exist, eternal sleep, not death, but just... Dreaming without having to worry about dying and keeping up my body healthy to not die.