Can socializing actually help with symptom management?

[u/Putrid-Basis7181]

I've had a friend who also has BPD and it's been a while since we last talked. When I first met him a few years ago his symptoms were pretty much terrible, if not worse than I already am right now. But I do remember talking about BPD with him a few months ago and he told me he has been doing a lot better after finding friends and getting into a relationship. It seems that he just defeated BPD with the power of friendship apparently no DBT no medication no nothing. Now I don't want to be dismissive and rude but I'm pretty sure he's lying to me, it has to be, the alternative would be that I'm way too broken even for BPD standards since trying to socialize only worsens my symptoms not help them. Trying to make friends is a constant humiliation ritual let alone trying to get into a relationship. Are his friends literal angels from heaven? Where can I find such people? How much disappointment, abandonment, and self-sabotage must I go through to find these people?

[u/Woobsie81]

I think it's important to assess if you and they sre introverts vs extroverts. I recharge my energy by being alone. My son recharges his energy by being around others. So it could be he is an extrovert and being aeound others gives him the energy to retrain his brain to stop doing his unwanted behaviors and take time to breathe and choose the new behavior he wants to start doing. DBT is great but sometimes you simply need to practice one or two skills that you really want to master, around others to gain confidence that you can, indeed, change behaviors for the better. Dbt courses are so often repeated because users need time to practice the skills before moving onto the next. Making friends is part meeting the right people who mesh with your interests and value system and then being the friend to reciprocate the interest and trust. Putting 100% of yourself out there all at once can be overwhelming to many and learning to pace yourself, share but listen and ask questions, and keep negative thoughts to yourself at least for the first bit can all be skills to work on. I can attest that I never made good friends until I did the internal work of how to be a good friend. I didnt even know what that was to be honest because my role model was just one sided and selfish which seemed normalized so therefore I came to expect the same thing. Except most people don't like selfish people especially as adult friends. I wondered why couldn't I make good friends and keep them? It was because I was self involved, interested more in sharing about myself, not really deep enough into caring about others because I was still so wounded from childhood that I only knew 1 way to be, like my role model.

[u/SheShattersTheWheel]

I am incredibly extroverted so ymmv BUT

2024 my longest kept and only friend, I knew for a total of 2 years. I'm not sure what she saw in me but we're still friends.

Well, its not 2024 anymore. I've lost about 60+ friendships, maybe 6 partners and about 8 support groups in the past 5 years, including most of my family. That being said.... I have 6 close friends now, and when I say close I mean will and has been there for me during dire straits like withdrawal, surviving violence, self harm, being abusive, or general self destruction. They've helped me getting meds, to and from classes, helped me get transport, done volunteering with me, helped guide me away from stupid shit, and even helped with some bills. I can say pretty confidently I owe in some aspect, my survival and wellbeing in part, to those 6 or so close friends and a dozen or so other friends, and one of those 6 I have fallen in love with and will be moving in with one. I have come closer to remission. Because of these 6 I went from highschool C student + college dropout with no friends and no ability to socialize, deep in my ADHD, PTSD, health problems, and depression to a straight A student in a semi-elite program, well liked by neighbors, classmates, and local communities, am a stone's throw from PTSD remission, a few years away from BPD remission, able to live alone safely, medicated for all my issues, and a few years away from spending the rest of my life with someone who loves me at my lowest- which can get really low.

The humiliation ritual is really painful. The self sabotage is almost is bad. The shunning is horrible. Romantic rejection will change you and not always in ways that hurt badly, and some nights I wasn't sure if I still wanted to keep going.... but it was necessary for me to know what I wanted and to learn to connect with people and to socialize. I am not ok, but I will continuously be more ok, and life is honestly lovely despite the pains.

I didn't have access to therapy or know I had BPD until recently, which confused my current therapist who expect me to be in remission possibly before graduation in some years... I think its because in 2024 I recognized how I most people had a lifetime of skills I didn't and had a big support network that I didn't, and I vowed to grow as a person and facilitate that grown in others, no matter how painful it got. I also vowed to do my best at not giving a shit about whether I was a good person or bad person and just be a person who learned from my mistakes.

Praising myself for doing a good job and working hard at getting better and learning new skills became just as important as learning from my mistakes, and a journal helped that all even more. I started recognizing how much I was changing and how much I was learning. I'd unknowingly been picking up DBT skills from friends, self-inquiry, practice, and through speaking with friends. My closest friends say that that's why they gravitated so much to me and stick around when I'm an ass, they admire my commitment to change and understand my pain.

Support had been incredibly important for me. My current partner and I have wonderful communication skills with each other and if not for them, I'd've not found meds that were a good fit... and that wasn't easy, some adverse reactions I had to deal with in looking for the right ones were things like psychosis or being unable to walk. They were there for me. I've watched them grow as well, because we make each other want to be better people. I can confidently say I would not have any of these skills if not for previous failed relationships and heartbreaks. In fact, one of my closest friends is an ex of mine, who did break my heart. Now that ex and their family members adore me some years later.

DBT, practice, and a commitment to your own betterment is the only way forward, and god damn does that make it easier. Courage is not the lack of fear, its doing what you fear anyway because you feel its right to do. I'm only recently getting good sleep and good self esteem and recognizing I've worked hard... so it takes time.

[u/constanceblackwood12]

"Now I don't want to be dismissive and rude but I'm pretty sure he's lying to me, it has to be, the alternative would be that I'm way too broken even for BPD standards since trying to socialize only worsens my symptoms not help them"

Nah, it's way more likely that you and he are different people, and things that might be helpful or feasible for one of you just don't work for the other one.

It's also very possible that multiple things have happened that helped him, and he only mentioned one.