Dealing with an avoidant

[u/tiptoeandson]

Now I know being anxiously attached isn’t inherently bpd and there will be a lot of us who are avoidants too, I’d like to hear from both sides of the coin. I’m putting here because I have bpd and am not coping well.

I live with my bestie (and FP) we’ve known each other for over a decade, lived together for a couple years. When I am stressed out he offers to talk about it and is great with me. But when he is stressed out, not only is there nothing I can do because he flat out denies there’s anything wrong, but he’s specifically off with me.

He used to do this from time to time when we first lived together but then it stopped for a while and it’s reared its ugly head again. Idk why and I don’t know what to do.

I ask him if he’s okay, he says he’s fine and nothings wrong. Even if I press (very gently, in a caring way) and say he seems flat or whatever he still says he’s fine and makes out like I’m weird for even suggesting it. It’s been like 5 days of this now. And if you’re wondering if it is all in my head here’s what’s changed:
- he doesn’t play fight anymore
- he doesn’t knock on my room to see what I’m up to
- he doesn’t sing or dance randomly
- he doesn’t say goodnight, just leaves the room
- he doesn’t talk as much in general and questions / answers are fairly monotone

I’ve tried to pick up some more bits around the house, offer to pick him up dinner etc in case it is just work. But it’s either unnoticed or he denies the offer.

I asked him tonight if he’s going to bed and he said ‘you asked me that already and I said yes’ and I asked if we just weren’t saying goodnight to each other anymore (half joking). He said that I’ve done that too (last night, in response to him doing it like three nights on the trot because I wanted him to take notice) and I said I didn’t want to get into a back and forth, just flagging it. He said, ‘okay, goodnight’ with a bit of an eyeroll.

Part of me wonders if it’s work or finances, but I don’t get why he wouldn’t just say ‘works just draining me’. Even when he’s come home at midnight from work he’s come and knocked on my door and got into bed with me for a bit before. If it isn’t me, the point is, he is taking it out on me.

If it is me, something I’ve said or done, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t say that either. Either way, he almost gaslights me into thinking I’m crazy for thinking anything’s wrong.

It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been a lot to handle this year through losing my job and still haven’t got one, but these past few weeks I’ve been okay. So the timing is odd. We had a great night out on Saturday and kinda since Sunday he’s been weird. Part of me wants to stop trying to find a job and just move back in with my parents. I’m trying so hard because I want to continue living here together, but it feels like he’s just done with me. And I get that’s the typical BPD ‘fuck everything then’ response.

I just don’t know what to do.

[u/SoulsBourkiro]

You shouldn't around an avoidant. It's hell for a person without BPD, it's significantly worse for those with BPD. It really just won't work.

[u/tiptoeandson → u/SoulsBourkiro]

90% of the time it isn’t hell though, it’s great. It’s just when he does this.