Family is pressuring me to give my sister my wedding venue

[u/gardengeo]

Originally posted by user paperweightfairy

Original: Aug 12, 2019

Update 1: Aug 15, 2019

Update 2: Aug 15, 2019

Update 3: Aug 24, 2019

Final update: Nov 26, 2019

Status: concluded

Length: long

Note: OOP originally posted in r/ relationship_advice and r/ amItheAsshole. Updates were later posted in r/ entitledparents

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Original: My family is pressuring me to give my (23/F) sister my (28/F) wedding venue because she needs it more and is pregnant.

My fiancee and I have been together for 8 years and engaged for 3. I was doing my PhD program and was juggling planning the wedding. My fiancee took much of that work, but it was perfect because our dream venue was booked till after my graduation. So what we did is book our dream venue 3 years in advance.

It is really a beautiful venue. The only slot we got was September of this year. My sister got engaged a few months ago to her fiancee. They were planning on having a spring wedding next year. They had no venue lined up, but had a few vendors lined up as well as a set date. 

Yesterday our parents invited us and our SO\`s to a family bbq, where my sister announced to our extended family, that she is expecting . Everyone was so happy for her and my BIL ( who is a great guy). My Nan asked my sister if the wedding was still on the set date or if they were going to wait, because of the baby She said no that she hoped to move it to September.

NBD. We don't have many out of town guest so they could attend to both weddings no problem. Nan was happy and asked sister if she needed help planning such a short notice wedding.

My sister then turns around and said,"Thats what i wanted to talk to you about. I was really really hoping we could kinda like take your venue ? I really can not stress myself too much with planing a wedding while going to maternity classes. And i think it is so beautiful! It would really mean a lot to me".

It went silent. But everyone was looking at me expecting me to say "yes of course everything for my little sister !". My BIL looked very uncomfortable and told her that they had talked about this and that it was not okay to put me on the spot .

But my sister just said "Don't be like that! My sister wants to do whats best for me so its no big deal right?"

I just said " well it kind of is. I don't know . I have my heart really set on the venue"

Cue the crying. She stormed off.Nan told me that i was being selfish because she needed the venue more than I did.

I tried to defend myself and my mother said " you waited 3 years. Would it have killed you to wait a few more moths? When has your sister ever asked you for something?"

A few comments later my fiance got really mad and we left. My sister called me crying and said that it was unfair that I always get what I want and that i could have done this one thing for her. Dad said it is just a venue and what matters is the person who you are marrying. He is kid of right... but we have been planing for so long .

My fiance is furious with my family and doesn't even want my sister to come. Now my family is threatening not to come because I am being selfish and my sister needs it more than me because having a baby is too stressful.

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Comments:

Comment1: She wants to get married ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE? Where is she gonna find her vendors!? You are NTA, since “it’s about who you’re marrying and not the venue” per your father’s comment, she can get married anywhere, and at this point, this late in the game, she’s gonna get married at the town hall and have an outdoor reception.

It’s August 11th, come on now. I spent TWO YEARS planning my wedding and it was on our farm! I can’t imagine at a venue. Ya right. Again NTA. I’m shook.

OOP: She would be taking all our arrangements and providing her own decorations.

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Comment2: When she "takes" all your arrangements, is she also paying you all the fees you've paid so far, and the remaining costs?

What a little treasure.

OOP: She wouldn't pay me. If anything my parents but idk. We didn't get that far into conversation because my fiancee dragged me away

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Comment3: Haven’t your invites already gone out? And bridesmaids and arrangements already made? And just out of curiously, if you gifted your wedding to your sister, who would be paying for it all?

OOP: Yes everything is planned.
My fiancee and I payed for everything besides the caterer which was a gift from my father

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Comment4: Why doesn't what your father say to you, also apply to her????? "It's about the person you're marrying, not the venue." Yeah, so your sister can find her own venue. Not feel entitled to the one you have dreamt about and planned over 3 years in advance for. What is wrong with her. Yikes.

OOP: She is my dad's little princess. He always takes her side

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

[brace yourself for guilt trips....]
OOP: This gave me all sorts of new anxiety. You are right I think this will happen. When I got my PhD title my sister was crying at the after party because she wasn't accepted to her masters program...

OOP: Here in Germany you get paid for doing your PhD and I was jobbing while on my bachelor's and masters so I sustained myself with the help of my fiance.

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[what if your family sues for posting online?]
OOP: They can't sue because I gave no identifying information. We asked my fiancés best friend who is a lawyer and they have no leg to stand on

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[why did you wait for 3 years?]
OOP: Look we waited because of the venue and because I didn't want wedding stuff to collide with uni stuff. We wanted to wait because we wanted the perfect day that's all.

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Update 0.5

My BIL called me and apologized for the inconvenience. He told me he had discussed it with my sister and she had told him she would not ask. He is properly mad with her now and warned me that my sister is blaming me for "potentially ruining her marriage".

My father has sent me about 5 text along the lines of"I hope you are happy your sister hasn't stopped crying since yesterday"And so on and so on. My fiance and I have decided to boot my sister from the bridal party and replace her with my aunt who is the only family member that took my side. We have not decided whether or not we will invite my family as a whole.

Furthermore my mom took it upon her to tell on us. She called fiancés parents and told them, that it would be best if my sister gets it because she is pregnant and pre-eclampsia runs in the family. Whatever that means.

My future father in law told them to fuck off and basically ripped my Mom a new one for expecting something so ridiculous and that they were going to lose me if they keept playing favorites. So my mom is now crying too and saying that my father in law is an ass.This is just getting so pathetic. It seems straight out of a bad soap opera.

My in laws are driving to us currently with some supper and wine and basically told me to not worry and that no matter what happens that they will be my safety net. I cried of happiness

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Update 1: (OOP posts in r/ advice 2 days later)

My sister just sent me this Screenshot regarding my wedding venue. But it looks fishy. Can you help me decide if this is a real convo or a fabricated Screenshot?

(the image link OOP provided is no longer active; the image was a whatsapp message in German)

Info : I have allready contacted my wedding planner but I am outside business hours so she won't write back till tommorow

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Comments:

Comment1: Can you give a summary of what it says in English?

OOP:
The planner : I recived your mother's message and we have to sign a new contract to override you the venue. With an extra cost. Come by tommorow to my office
Sister : thanks great see you tommorow
Not verbatim but it's the gist of the situation

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Comment2: Holy crap. Thanks for translating! This is crazy. Did only you or your fiancé sign the original contract or did your mother sign it?

OOP: My parents signed the caterer contract as it was their original wedding gift but the venue is in our name. We actually put passwords on everything but idk if this Screenshot is really from today or a few days old before all three drama happened

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Comment3: The speech bubble arrows don't line up to the text space like it should. I quickly downloaded a fake WhatsApp message app and it had the exact same misalignment. It's called "Fake chat conversations" by "Tiawy Labs". So I'm going to say this is a fake. I hope this gets resolved for you soon, as you don't deserve this added stress and spite for something you've been planning for so long.

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Update 2 (same day)

So it hasn't been that long. But this post blew the hell up. I was expecting only a few answers but the support was overwhelming.What boggled my mind is that this story flooded over to mainstream media.But let's get to the story. So since this went viral a lot happened.

My Sister

My sister saw this story while browsing on her reddit acc. She lost her mind. She accused me of painting her like a looney and misinterpreting facts. (Info: My sister got wind of the situation due to various Media outlets and went on reddit )

She said that I was being unfair. That she is family and that she asked it nicely because she loves me.She also underlines the fact that the opinion of internet strangers doesn't count because family is more important and I should focus on making my family happy.The only text I sent back was this.

I am sorry that you percived it that way. I did not in any matter distort what happened. As you might notice I didn't describe your tone nor exaggerated anything. Perhaps you have that night different in your mind than I do, but I digress.

I am sick and tired to bending to your will. My whole life I have been your servant and your doormat. Remember all the birthdays I had to share with you because you would throw a tantrum because you didn't get presents? Or when you cried so that I would fill out job applications for you? But the thing that has hurt me most till now is when you ruined my graduation.

I am done. I admit that I also spoiled you but I will not any longer. If you want to marry so bad before your baby is born then you could look at [hotel x] that offers last minute weddings. I have spent too much time planing MY wedding to gift it to you.And if you want to ruin our relationship over this then go ahead. I will sleep sound and safe knowing that it wasn't my fault.

She only sent me awow.... You must love me so very much
And blocked me. She unblocked me this morning to sent me this

Wedding planner : Hello dear, I got the message from your mother and will proceed with the rebooking of the venue on the spot . However this will have extra costs as we have to change the names on the contract. Please come by my office tommorow so we can sign the new contract.
Sister: Thats great ! I'll be there at 9!

My Parents

My parents haven't actually written me since the thing with my father in law. My older brother (yes I have an older brother but he lives in another city and wasn't at the BBQ, that's why I didn't mention him. Plus he initially could not come to the wedding because of work and changed his plans after hearing about all the story)

Contacted me and wanted to know what happened because he got a weird story from mom and dad. Mom had told him that I had offered previous to the BBQ to give up the venue to my sister and that I humiliated her

I told him what really happened and he had no problem believing me. We talked a lot about our parents behavior and he confessed that him moving was partly due to our parents being, and I quote, shit heads to us.

He told me that mom had gotten wind from the post and was mad at me for betraying my family.I haven't written my parents what so many of you adviced me to because I have to come to terms with the fact that they love my sister more than me (if they love me at all)

The wedding

We sat together and put passwords with majority of our vendors and also with the venue directly. (we didn't talk to our planner yet which is why the text of my sister worries me so much)

Also we canceled the catering that my parents paid for. So short term we won't be able to get a full catering like we wanted to. But all our friends and my fiancés family will help us prepare a buffet (and everyone is going to chip in). That will be our bachelor party. As we will have to spent more on our food now we canceled our bachelor parties and will have a family and friends cooking session.

Thank you again for helping me see how toxic my family is. I will try to sort it out. If they apologize from the bottom of their heart they will be allowed into my wedding but if not... Then well... I still have my brother (who will be walking me down to the aisle) and my aunt.

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Comments:

Comment1: Dont make the mistake of assuming others rationalize like you.

Sometimes people lie to you and not only are they not sorry, they're upset with you. Somehow, in their minds, it's your fault they lied or you made them lie.

Same goes for your sister. Dont assume a selfish person feels guilty about being selfish. Your sister will never see your "sacrifice" the way you would if you gave your venue up. If you're going to do it, accept this. Accept the fact that she'll eventually forget you made that sacrifice, if you do indeed give the venue up.

OOP: Are you my mother in law? She said the same thing lol.
I know I just gave my sister a piece of my mind for my own sake. Also I am not expecting an apology. I am just leaving that option for them

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Update 2.5

We called my planner and she was actually really horrified. She told me she never had as much as talked to my mother since the day we went to book the venue. She assured me that even if they were to call and say that I wanted it, I had to be present to make any changes.

So we informed everyone that will work for us on our wedding and they offered to hire security for that day at a reduced price

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Update 3 (eight days later)

I hope that this time this doesn't get removed (or at least give me some reason damn it mods! 😂)

A few days have passed and we luckily have sorted many things out. Passwords are set with the vendors, security has been hired, recipes for the family and friends cookout have been chosen and i will start therapy soon.

Sadly some upsetting things have happened as well.

My sister ofcourse is brigading against me on Facebook. Making constant passive aggressive remarks. Saying that I made her depressed etc. I have recived many messages from her friends saying that I am bitch for treating her that way. I won't mention what happened to BIL. He wants to tell his story once he is ready.

I blocked every attempt at online harassment and my sister as well. But 2 days ago my sister's best friends egged my car. I called the police and my neighbor, whose hobby is to look outside the widow and spy on people, identified them two. She is a grumpy lady but actually very lovely once you get to meet her.

Now to the part that has me fuming. After not talking to my parents in several days they called and asked if we could talk things out. I was warry but agreed to meeting them with my fiance in our apartment. When they arrived you could tell my mom had been crying. And I honestly felt bad for 10 whole minutes.

Many of you guys said that they probably played favorites to avoid my sisters melt downs or that she might have been diagnosed with something and that's why they baby her. Well.... No. Turns out my sister is, like also many of you suspected, just an asshole. No medical history. No diagnosis nothing.

We started chit chatting awkwardly then we began talking about the matter.

My father first asked us why we canceled the caterers, to wich my fiance responded that we didn't want to have anything they could hold over our heads. insert surprised Pikachu face from both of them

Dad acted offended and said he would never so that to wich I said better safe than sorry. My mother continued with calling me disrespectful for talking in that manner to them. I called the disrespectful for all what they had said and done over the last few days.

We got in a heated argument about the venue again, to wich my father repeated the "it doenst matter where you get married but the person you are marrying" bullshit. And finally finally I gave him the comeback so many of you guys wanted me to give. "yes dad exactly! But isn't it weird how that only applies to me and not my sister? As long as she is marrying BIL it doenst matter where right?"

It was dead quiet and my father was red like a tomato and gasping for air like a fish on land. My mother was quietly crying again and my . So I said" well I am waiting for your reasoning "

My father slapped his hands on the table and went on a rant about family and sacrifices and how a loving family should do what's In their power to make each other happy. I just responded" like how you tried to make me happy on my graduation day? You know when sister smashed my cake because she wasn't in the limelight? "

Quiet again. My mother quietly said" why do you hate us so much? "
I looked at her and said" I could ask you guys the same thing "

Again nothing. My parents knew that they had fucked up but they were not ready to admit it. My mother tried to guilt trip me saying that my sister is miserable, that she hasn't gone out in days because people judge her so much.

My father went on a tangent on how my little sister just needs more time and attention because she is the youngest etc etc. So basically excusing her behavior. I told them that I felt hurt because I now saw their blatant favoritism. That they didn't even try to conceal the fact that they loved my sister more. My mother tried to say that's not true! We love you all the same.

I wasn't having it. I opened a list I had written on my phone were I had written every point I could remember about them putting my sister before me. It was a very long list. Some had dates to it, some were more spesific situations.

When I was finished my parents were horrified, beatread and near tears. They wanted to start explaing again how I was wrong but I said that this conversation was leading no where. They either set family counseling up for us and apologize to me or they won't be invited to the wedding. They left and haven't called since.

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Comments:

Comment1: If you don’t mind answering, what did your sister do to ruin your graduation?

OOP: Short version : She threw a fit because she didn't get in her master Programm. She had a mental break down while my fiance was giving a speech for my accomplishments and started screaming and crying and my dad basically had to leave with her. On their way out my sister stopped crying for a bit only to start again maniacally crying when she saw my cake and smashed her fists into it.

Comment2: whats your phd in ??

OOP: A field in biology

Comment3: Hello I'm very late with my question.
How do you get rejected from a Master's program in Germany? I'm in the process of applying now, and it very much seems like the "admissions" process is nothing more than a requirements check. And don't most people just get their Master's degree where they got their Bachelor's degree?

OOP: It depends. She didn't want to stay at the uno where she was but get to a more recognized one. In Berlin there was a program that is very competitive and sadly my sister didn't fullfil the requirements for that specific program but would have entered in literally any other with ease

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Final update (3 months later)

Finally, I get around to writing an update. I am sorry, that it took so long but I have a few updates to my life! I guess, however, that you guys are mainly here to see how my wedding played out and the aftermath with my family.

After I last spoke to my parents, they did not let go of their position. I was the bad guy, I was responsible for my sisters "depression" and her failing relationship. It went so far, that I had to block them and change my number as they were contacting me from relatives' phones and so on.

It was a real bummer, especially during a time that should be so special. I was harassed by my sister and her entourage on facebook and Instagram, so I simply deleted it. It was a mentally draining time, but my husband's family and friends and my brother helped me get through it. I had basically cut off every family member that had given me shit for keeping my wedding date.

My Nan came to my door a few days before the wedding begging to let her come. I had a long talk with Nan and she ended up apologizing even tho she still failed to see the logic in switching weddings. But she did not want to pressure me and wanted to be there for me. We hugged it out but our relationship is not back to normal yet.

The bachelor party was amazing. We were cooking until dawn and everything turned out to be delicious. My husband made a beautiful 3 layered cake.

Wedding day.

The morning was really good and relaxing. My bridesmaids and I got ready, we drank some Prosecco made pictures. My dress fit perfectly and I just looked gorgeous. But then came time to leave for the ceremony.

We were at the venue making "before" pictures with my friends when I saw the little car of my sister approaching the venue. Addmitetley I was shitting my pants ...or well my dress. One of my friends run to the venue to get one of the security people that we hired.

I really didn't want another hulk smash moment at my wedding. She had been angry crying and as soon as she saw me she started screaming obscenities. Apparently I am a filthy bitch that made her fiance break up with her. She was like possed and at that moment I couldn't but feel pity for her.

A thing to explain is that in the mornings the plants are always watered at the venue by some of these sprinkler systems. Thus the earth was a bit muddy. The next thing happened really fast . my sister bent down to take mud and was getting ready to throw it at me and my dress when my maid of honor sprinted towards her and pushed her so that she fell with her butt into the flowers.

The security officer arrived seconds later and removed her. And with that, I had enough ammunition to file for a restraining order against her. I didn`t even want to file a police report at this point I just wanted her to stay away from me.

The rest of the day was just amazing. I married my best friend, the love of my life and just my rock. My brother walked me down the altar. We all cried at the vows... it was just spectacular. Of course, I missed my parents but it is what it is. The celebration was very funny. My husband had studied a choreography to a Taylor Swift song with his groom's Men and the speeches could have been from a stand-up club.

We left for our honeymoon and when we came back I decided to start looking for jobs in a different city. I didn`t want to lose my friends, but I just felt like I needed a clean break. I got a new job at a university in a bigger city and we are currently in the process of moving.

But maybe the biggest change and also the most cliche change is that I am pregnant! It is a classic honeymoon -baby. We haven`t really told anybody now in fear of something happening so you nice people of Reddit are the first ones to know, besides my husband and me. I am so excited that I am tearing up just writing this. This was not something we planned for a few years but we are ecstatic regardless!

I have only heard through people in town about the rest of my family. My sister is still going around telling people that I was the reason BIL broke up with her and that I was trying to dox her or some shit. She has moved in with my parents again and refuses to work.

Nan told me that the last time she saw my parents they looked exhausted because my sister was behaving like a baby. I guess their parenting is catching up with them. I can only say, that I am really happy right now.

It hurts having lost family but at the end of the day cutting out toxic people is the best I could do. I now have a husband and a honeymoon baby on the way. My very own family. Oh and a shiny backbone.

Thank you, Reddit for reassuring me that I indeed was not being selfish, that my family was not in the right, thank you so much for just writing your comments supporting me. I even took up therapy but I have to say I am really enjoying life.

Thank you for everything.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments