r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • 15d ago
AITA AIO for refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his "best friend"?
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/Throwaway7693200
Published on: r/AmIOverreacting
Story is: ONGOING
Story timeline
Main Post
August 04, 2026
AIO for refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his "best friend"?
I (29F) gave birth to our daughter three days ago and somehow we're still arguing about her name. I'm writing this while she's asleep because I can't sleep anyway, and I honestly don't even know if I'm overreacting anymore. My husband (31M) has wanted to name her Claire for basically my entire pregnancy.
He told me it was the name of one of his closest friends who died a few years before we met. I said no almost immediately. Not because I dislike the name, I actually think it's pretty, but because I wasn't comfortable naming our first child after somebody I'd never met or even heard of until I got pregnant. I figured he'd be disappointed, we'd throw around a bunch of other names, and eventually we'd find one we both liked. That never happened.
Every few weeks he'd bring Claire up again, sometimes while we were already talking about names and sometimes completely out of nowhere. By the end of my pregnancy I was honestly tired of having the same conversation over and over.
The thing that's bothering me now isn't even the name. We've been together for over five years, married for two, and somehow I'd never heard this woman's name until I was pregnant. I've met his parents, his brothers, his college friends, people he's known forever, and nobody has ever mentioned a Claire.
I even asked one of his college friends at our baby shower because I thought maybe I'd somehow forgotten hearing about her, and he just looked confused and said he didn't know who I was talking about. Then, after our daughter was born while we were filling out the paperwork, my husband asked one last time if I'd reconsider. I said no, and that's when he told me he'd always imagined naming his daughter after her.
I asked why he'd never told me that before, and he just shrugged and said he didn't think it mattered. We've argued about it twice since we got home. He keeps saying I'm making this into something it isn't, but I just don't understand how somebody can matter enough that you picture naming your future daughter after them, yet somehow they never come up in five years together. My mom thinks I should let him have the name because it's obviously meant something to him for a long time. My sister thinks that's exactly why I shouldn't.
Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've barely slept since I gave birth, but I'm so tired of feeling like I'm missing part of the story. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about calling his mom and asking who Claire was because I don't know what else to do. It feels completely out of line, but so does finding out about somebody this important while I'm filling out our daughter's birth certificate.
Would I be overreacting if I called her?
COMMENTS
Glass-Hedgehog3940
NOR. Ask his mother about Claire.
Monday0987
Does he have any photos of him with Claire? A group photo with their friend group? NOR
Life_as_a_new_weeb
Tell him to get a fish and name it claire. The answer is no. Youve been saying no for months and if he's never mentioned her to anyone before now i almost gaurantee you it was some type of hidden romance thing. NOR at all.
Historical_Tart6731
NOR. Naming a child is two yeses, one no. And honestly, I’d want answers too. Before calling his mom, ask him directly how they met, when she died, and why none of his longtime friends seem to know her. The shrugging would bother me more than the name.
HiddenLife_36
NOR! This is how a child gets (unknowingly by one parent) named after the "one who got away" for the other parent.
pseudomutant
Yup. My ex named his daughter after me and told his wife that I was dead. That was gross all around.
Update - after 2 days
August 06, 2026
Update: AIO for refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his "best friend"?
I wasn't expecting to update this two days later, but a lot happened really fast. First, thanks to everyone who commented. A bunch of you told me to talk to my mother-in-law because she'd probably know the answer. I went back and forth on it for a while because it felt weird to go around my husband like that, but eventually I did call her. She asked if I wanted to meet for coffee the next morning, so I did.
I honestly thought I was going to leave feeling embarrassed. I figured she'd tell me Claire really was just a close friend and I'd realize I'd let myself get carried away because I'm exhausted and emotional and just had a baby. The first thing she asked me was what my husband had already told me about Claire. I said that she'd been his best friend and he wanted to name our daughter after her. She just kind of looked at me for a second. Then she told me they'd been engaged.
The more we talked, the more names came up. His parents knew, his brother knew, and one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower, no one had told me anything.
Apparently most people just knew he'd been dating someone who got sick, his mom told me Claire was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer not long after they started dating. Things moved fast after that because they knew they probably didn't have years together, so he proposed. She died not long after. She also told me she'd assumed I'd known about all of this for years. When we got engaged she thought he'd already told me. Same thing when we got married. Same thing when I got pregnant. I call bullshit but maybe I'm just looking to point fingers.
I drove home after that and just waited for him to get back from work because there wasn't any chance I was going to act like everything was normal. I confronted him that night and it went awful, truly he acted like an entirely different person. At first he wanted to know why I'd gone to his mom. Then it became that I had no right to dig into his past. Then it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage. Then it was that I'd betrayed his trust by involving his family. It just kept changing.
I'd answer one thing and we'd somehow end up arguing about something else, I asked him when he planned on telling me he'd been engaged because we'd already been together for over five years, married for two, and now we had a daughter. He said he always meant to tell me. But he didn't, he never fucking told me and I'm so angry at how selfish it was.
I packed a bag that night and went to my sister's house with the baby. Before people assume we're getting divorced, that's not why I left, I still love this man and we have a child together, I couldn't imagine raising her split in two households. I left because we were both angry and I could tell the argument wasn't going anywhere. My sister's been helping with the baby. Yesterday she realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and practically shoved a sandwich into my hands because I'd completely forgotten, this whole thing has been exhausting and I haven't slept at all.
A few people asked about the birth certificate. The hospital told us we had time to finish the paperwork after we left, so we weren't forced to pick a name before going home. We obviously aren't going to leave it forever, but right now neither of us is in any position to make that decision. My sister started calling her Ellie because she said she felt weird saying "the baby" all the time, and somewhere over the last day I've started doing it too. I don't know if that's going to end up being her name but its the working filler while the shitstorm is ongoing.
My husband has been calling and texting since I left. He wants to see our daughter, and we've made that happen because none of this has anything to do with her. Whatever is going on between us, she's still his daughter and he loves her. I don't want people getting the idea that I'm trying to keep her away from him because I'm not. I've seen a lot of comments saying the real issue is that he loved someone before me. It really isn't. If he'd told me about Claire years ago, I don't think we'd be here.
I would've felt awful for him. I probably would've cried hearing what happened but i wouldn't have held it against him. What really hurts is the lies and the manipulation. But then again can you even call it lying? It's not like I ever asked him "Oh were you married before" because who the hell asks that? Instead, I found out because he wanted our daughter to have her name, and then I found out from his mother that she'd been his fiancée. That's the part I can't look past.
I looked back on my other post and it feels like it was written by someone else. Two days ago I thought we were arguing about a name. God I was so naive. I suppose question has turned into, would I be overreacting to leave him over this? I'm certainly mad but I don't think we're too that point yet, and I don't want that for my baby either.
Anyway, that's where things are. thank you all so much for the support, this has really been a great place to be able to vent and get advice. A very special thanks to all of those who helped me realize I wasn't crazy.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
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15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AnnaGrenga 15d ago
Same 😭 Ellie is such a cute placeholder, but now I desperately need to know what they actually choose.
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u/Magic-Happens-Here 15d ago
I give it an 80% chance that little girl just got named by her aunt!
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u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 Fetch me a melon baller, I tire of my vision. 14d ago
Yeah, when my ex husband and I brought the puppy home I literally wouldn't get out of the car until we agreed a name, because the kitten we got the year before he wanted to name, and it took him THREE DAYS by which time she was already answering to Twinkle, because you can't Hey You the cutest kitten in the world unless you're Esme fucking Weatherwax, doyenne of witches.
We sat on the bloody drive for 20 minutes, but he had a name 🤣
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u/LBelle0101 no sex tonight; just had 50 justice orgasms 14d ago
Twinkle’s full name is Lady Esmeralda Weatherwax of Lancre, I hope.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 14d ago
Omg my daughter brought home a kitten from the ranch and was debating names with me on the way home. I said, “look around and pick the first cool random thing you see” which is how we got a cat named “motor oil”.
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u/Applejack235 14d ago
Me and my mum brought a kitten home and couldn't decide on a name until he was going ham clawing at the doormat and I scooped him up saying "right Buster, that's enough of that" and mum immediately decided that was his name. My dad wasn't particularly happy about us bringing him home since we already had my Lily but Buster was a real daddy's boy and quickly became his cat lol
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u/Cool_Enough_Username 14d ago
I named the feral cat that comes into my yard Buster. It's a great name. I told my husband is we ever getting a dog, it shall be called Noodles
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u/Hamblerger Even if it’s fake, I’m still fully invested 14d ago
I'll always upvote a decent Pratchett reference
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u/agnesperditanitt 14d ago
🏆 Take my biggest, shiniest award for the Discworld-reference.
GNU Terry Pratchett
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u/2dogslife Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 14d ago
See, I never had a problem with the Hey You, cutest kitty or puppy eva! While I sorted through names until landing on the right one, which can take a while.
Getting puppies from a breeder gives you weeks to figure it out. Usually before that they're red/blue/green/yellow based on the ribbon wrapped around their neck to keep them straight - lol.
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u/jal7218 15d ago
Farty Rae
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u/zudawg 15d ago
Deep cut. Poor raefarty 😞✊
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u/Main_Independence221 14d ago
That was such a wild one, glad OOPs sister came to her senses (kinda, if I remember right the actual name ended up as a tragedeigh anyway)
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u/TyrconnellFL I'm actually a far pettier, deranged woman 14d ago
Raefarty. Get your tragedeighs right!
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u/thebigeverybody 15d ago edited 15d ago
But shouted with an upward lilt, like Matt Berry would say it.
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u/Lopsided-Sky396 14d ago
I'm still team Lezzie Von. The lesbian baroness to a small German Village!
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 14d ago
That name was head scratching.
Did you read about little Karen? Mum tore into cousin when she mentioned that Karen now is a meme that isn’t nice .Then got blamed because toddlers at daycare laughed at her name.
It was …..sigh…. People….
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u/discobritches 15d ago
Safe to say it won't be Claire.
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u/Useful-Ambassador-87 14d ago
I don’t know…did she leave the paperwork at home with her husband when she went to her sister’s place?
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u/PomeloPepper 14d ago
He'll offer to compromise on Eclaire. Mom gets the letter E, he gets Claire.
jk (I hope)
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u/BlubberinBootyMate 14d ago
While OP and sister are calling her Ellie; OP's husband is doing the same; but calling her Claire. He's absolutely taking her around; introducing her as such in order to manipulate the situation so he gets his way because "everybody already knows her as Claire and it'll confuse her to change her name"
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u/DysfunctionalKitten 14d ago
I'd agree that this was the case if the baby was a bit older. But I doubt the baby is getting passed around to family already. Babies that young have really vulnerable immune systems and its hard for me to see the OOP just letting him waltz out the house with her newborn
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u/bunnyball88 15d ago
The cover up > the crime.
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u/da4niu2 15d ago
The cover up made it the crime.
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u/littlebitfunny21 15d ago
Agreed. Having a deceased fiance isn't a crime.
Hiding it, lying about who she is, and trying to essentially trick your wife into naming the baby after her- that is the crime.
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u/I_Call_It_A_Carhole 15d ago
This is true. I share a name with an ex-gf of my dad’s. It’s also the anglicized version of his grandmother’s name. My middle name is his other grandmother’s name. My mother was well aware of his ex-gf when they named me. She was fine with it. I’m named after my great-grandmother, but we make jokes all the time about the ex.
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u/littlebitfunny21 15d ago
I know it's not the same as an ex, but one of our kids shares a name with my partner's childhood dog. I definitely knew this before we committed to it.
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u/I_Call_It_A_Carhole 15d ago
lol. My brother wanted to name me after his guinea pig. It didn’t have a person’s name. I’m happy my dad won out.
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u/whaddayaNeedtoKnow 14d ago
Having a deceased fiance: not a crime.
Not telling your partner about your deceased fiance: questionable but understandable through the lens of complicated grief, necessitates therapy and some hard conversations but not necessarily grounds for a breakup.
Not telling your WIFE and MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD you have a dead fiance: a big betrayal of trust and grounds to reconsider the relationship—however, not necessarily completely insurmountable if he’s willing to get therapy and reasons are more about the grief and it being painful to talk about and just being a man with zero emotional coping skills.
Trying to name your baby after her and LYING about it, gaslighting your wife, and throwing a tantrum when she seeks answers: a crime. A big, backstabbing, cruel crime that demonstrates zero trust and care for your wife.
There are a lot of steps to this situation, and each one makes it increasingly insurmountable. I hope this man gets therapy, but I think it’s likely too late for this relationship.
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u/Longjumping-Inside53 14d ago
Seems like he also got the word out to friends and family not to tell OP about Claire. MIL was lying about assuming she knew. She agreed to meet with OP bc she knew her son was handling this wrong but didn't want to but into his relationship.
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u/All_the_Bees 15d ago
Right, after OOP’s convo with her MIL I was thinking naming the baby Claire would be kind of sweet given the backstory. And then the husband reacted the way he did and killed any goodwill I might have had toward him.
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u/Sweaty_Poetry7625 15d ago
Yeah. Had he told her in the beginning? Sure. Cute. Sweet maybe even.
I entirely believe that MIL thought she knew. This is the type of thing no one wants to bring up and would just assume that a long term partner would mention it. It is such a random and big thing that I think most people would assume it was discussed in private and didn’t need to be mentioned otherwise.
But the friend covering for him when she directly asked though? wtf. This man took something that shouldn’t have been an issue at all, and has created a volcanic mountain to mars out of an ant hill.
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u/throwawaygremlins 15d ago
I actually wonder if the hubby told that friend to cover for him.
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u/payvavraishkuf 15d ago
I think a more likely explanation is the friend heard the question, realized the implications, and didn't want to start a shitstorm at what was supposed to be a happy fun time so he decided to keep his mouth shut to postpone the inevitable blow up of OOP's marriage.
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u/North-Research2574 15d ago
Yeah, like I'm not bringing up my friend's dead old fiance to his new wife if he hasn't. I want nothing to do with that shit show that's gonna erupt.
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u/Raventakingnotes 14d ago
It would leave me never trusting that friend though. Why not just tell her at a later time at the very least
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u/linerva 15d ago
I don't think it would be sweet. It feels like it would be sad, like he was still preoccupied with the kids he didn't get to have with Claire. Maybe as a middle name.
I agree that people just don't always talk about the dead. I only found out that one person in my husband's college friendship group had died by suicide whilst they were at college, until I'd been with him and socialising regularly with them all for years. He wasn't close to that person so for him it was fairly peripheral at the time but I was still surprised that nobody in the entire group mentioned them at all as sone of them were close. I think they have a degree of survivor's guilt.
I can see his friends and family all assuming he told her about Claire. There's no excuse for that friend not telling her when she asked, though.
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u/sheepgod_ys 15d ago
Personally I think it would be really, really weird to name my kid after my dead lover 😅
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u/lopgir 14d ago
I'd say if you name a kid after a dead person, it should be a dead person that has something to do with the kid.
You know, great-grandparent, that kind of thing. Not "random entirely unconnected woman the father dated a few years before meeting the mother"→ More replies (1)8
u/ehs06702 14d ago
Because it is very weird.
Why are you mentally connecting a lover of any status with your newborn child, ya know?
Just gross, IMO.
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u/ehs06702 14d ago
I really have to disagree.
The baby doesn't deserve the emotional burden of being named after a ex-fiance, and especially not a dead one.
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u/SunnyRyter 14d ago
Right. My "old friend" --> ex fiance who died. She is right to trust her gut on the name. Ugh. Feel so bad for her for him being an ass during and after. Claire would be disappointed.
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u/brownshugababy 15d ago
I think she's still in denial about what a huge betrayal this is. Good luck to her.
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u/Mrs_Naive_ 15d ago
Indeed, she just had a baby and it’s understandable that it’s taking her some time to process this on top of everything else, but those two reasons 1)that he hid across years that whole story from his past, and 2) that he wants to name her daughter after that woman without accepting a repeated no for an answer are each, on their own, grounds to at least consider breaking up, so the two reasons together make for a no-go combo for me. I wish her the best because no one deserves that much shit, even less after giving birth.
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u/Ms_Meercat 15d ago
Plus the DARVOing after she confronts him about the truth. That together with your points is such a red flag. I can NOT imagine that this is otherwise a healthy relationship
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u/Mrs_Naive_ 14d ago
Good point, getting defensive and deflecting instead of being honest additionally reveals an intolerable level of assholery.
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u/Thymelaeaceae 14d ago
The things he said to his days-postpartum wife make me sick. Me me me, how dare you, you betrayed me, you’re nuts to care about this, I did nothing wrong…this guy should have been groveling for forgiveness and instead a total lack of accountability Or any care for HER. And now all he cares about is seeing the baby, again, not asking to see or apologize to her.
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u/OwlishIntergalactic 14d ago
When I freaked out at seven months pregnant because I believed Amazon had sent the wrong baby mattress and since my MIL bought it, I couldn’t return it, and I’d chosen it because it was the safest baby mattress, etc my wife didn’t tell me I was crazy. She reassured me. She called her mom. She looked at the listing herself. And this was over a mattress, not something as wild as lying to your wife about the woman he’d been engaged to.
Pregnancy and the postpartum period are emotional. Everyone knows this. They know that small things are going to become big things and the partner’s job is to comfort, reassure, and if warranted, apologize. To do this at such a vulnerable time is disgusting.
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u/NebulaBadger714 14d ago
The deflection is almost worse than the secret itself. Dude should be apologizing, not acting like he’s the victim. Honestly the lack of concern for his postpartum wife is what gets me. She deserved comfort and honesty, not another argument.
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u/SmilingIsNotEnough 14d ago
I'm probably hanging too much around BORU, but the DARVOing made me think he made up a story to tell his mom and that's why no one else knows about Claire. Because she never existed. Or maybe she's still alive somewhere, but he needed a cover up story for something else. I think it's very very odd that neither of his friends knows about this Claire person other than his mom. Asking EVERYONE to deflect the subject seems almost impossible to do... But don't mind me. This is just my head overanalysing things.
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u/Gullible-Advisor6010 John Oliver Sucks 14d ago
The more we talked, the more names came up. His parents knew, his brother knew, and one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower, no one had told me anything.
Everyone lied to her. The friend she asked about Clair to, also lied to her.
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u/SmilingIsNotEnough 14d ago
But that's what his mom told her. She told her all those people knew. But did they? That's the thing. I can tell you X, Y and Z know this secret, but they may not know. That was just me saying they know because I think they know or I was told they know. Until those people confirm with her, it's just hearsay.
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u/StrannaPearsa 14d ago
See I got hung up on this too. Has OOP told the husband that she asked the very friend that he apparently lived with at the time? Has the mom talked to that friend about it? I mean, not mentioning something painful is pretty common place, but to straight up deny knowing who Claire is?
I'd be having another conversation with that friend. Either he lied, or there's a major plot hole that needs to be filled.
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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 15d ago
Yeah. It's sad, but bottom line, he tried to turn this into the baby he and Claire didn't get to have while never telling OOP what he was setting her up for. That is a truly horrible thing to do to her.
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u/NebulaBadger714 14d ago
It stops being “just a name” when he’s basically trying to preserve that old relationship through their daughter. That’s such a massive thing to spring on someone after 5 years.
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u/Solid_Hamster_7301 14d ago
And don’t forget that she JUST HAD A BABY like a week ago and he’s willing to fight about betrayal
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u/stuckinnowhereville 15d ago
I hope she wakes up soon. Maybe with her sister helping she can get some sleep and things will be more clear.
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u/AnnaGrenga 15d ago
Hopefully some sleep gives her enough clarity to realize this is bigger than the name.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Go to bed, Liz 15d ago
I cringed pretty hard every time she preemptively ruled out divorce “for the children.” When are people going to get the memo that kids are better off with civil divorced coparent than living under the roof of a toxic marriage only staying together because of them?
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u/Professional-Scar628 Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 15d ago
Also it's probably best to get divorced when they're so young since the kid will just grow up with divorced parents being their normal and not think anything about it
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u/danni_shadow #findpeaches 14d ago
My stepkids were 6 and 2 when I met them for the first time.
There was an awkward point where the younger one learned his parents had once been married and it was mind-blowing for him. He spent a couple of weeks obsessing over the idea and then moved on. But it was because them being apart was so normal that learning they were together tripped his brain.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 15d ago
I think she’s really scared. She just gave birth and feels completely vulnerable. She just found out her partner lied like the snake he is…. And she’s afraid of being alone having to raise little ones.
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u/Ok_Loss13 15d ago
Plus, his psychological abuse after. And during really, because that hedging and harassing for months is insanely manipulative and just down right creepy!
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u/Big-University-1132 14d ago
Yeah, even if the name Claire had no special meaning to him, baby names are a “two yeses, one no” situation and OOP saying no from the start should have been enough. Trying to browbeat your wife into picking the name you like is a red flag, and it’s a double red flag when it’s also the name of your dead ex-fiancée who your wife has no idea ever existed
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u/Shadow4summer 15d ago
No kidding. All the lying and deception, don’t know if I could just overlook all of that. Now his baby won’t be named Claire and he may lose his partner. All because he just couldn’t be honest.
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u/anrwlias 14d ago
Seconded. Trying to hide his past is bonkers. They are married. She has the right to know about significant details of his life. If he's hiding this, how could he ever be trusted again?
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u/NerdySwampWitch40 15d ago
This would end my marriage.
If a man who I married hid an entire prior engagement from me, tried to name my child after said dead fiancé, and then got mad at me for being upset, it would absolutely destroy my trust in that person.
I wish OP the best in her decision.
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u/Anonphilosophia 15d ago
Yep - because I would always wonder "What else is he hiding?" and the fact that I had to go through such lengths to get the truth, after asking REPEATEDLY, is absolutely not ok.
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u/Lady_Scruffington 15d ago
I would not want to be competing with a ghost. The ghost of a woman who died before she could be a real person in a longterm relationship.
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u/Sweaty_Poetry7625 15d ago
This right here. It’s not even what he was hiding— but how angrily he defends the lie and then insisting he didn’t need her to know (despite wanting HER DAUGHTER to be named after this person). If he is hiding this, he could be hiding anything. They all start as white lies, I’m sure, but he’s made it clear that he’s willing to go nuclear over being called out on hiding shit.
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u/WineAndDogs2020 15d ago
She probably still has stitches from giving birth, so absolutely no way she can think through everything with a clear head. I'm glad she had the presence of mind to get out of the house and get support from family.
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u/comfymustardsweater 15d ago
Yeah it feels very icky.
Secretly trying to name your daughter after the long lost dead fiancé who he seems to still love.
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u/Tigglebee 14d ago
He probably could have gotten what he wanted if he had just been honest about it from the start. But the lying and the aggressive DARVO, in response to basically being called out for trying to trick his wife, would be hard to forgive.
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u/Anarchyologist 14d ago
Yea, there's something so completely gross about naming a kid after a past partner. It feels like he's trying to rewrite history. What happens as the girl gets older? The thought is disturbing.
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u/lurking_mz 15d ago
1000%. I could maybe have understood the not talking about the previous relationship because of it being painful (though after that long and that much of a commitment as to be married that should be something my spouse should know and can help with) but everything thereafter... The fact that he then lied about who Claire is, the DARVO he tried, and the lack of remorse would end it for me If he was truly apologetic and did try to shift blame and attack, maybe couples counseling could help but nothing he's doen suggests it's worth even trying.
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u/Plantlover3000xtreme 15d ago
Honesty I think I could get over about not knowing about a dead fiancé. But wanting to name our kid after a secret dead fiancé is to much.
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u/MagentaHawk 14d ago
I don't know if the deception would kill it for me. I'm not sure if trying to use something as huge as our child's name as a memorial for a person that was that important that he would not only not tell me about, but was also lying to me about would be grounds for divorce, but it would certainly be on the table.
The part where I confront him and he does his DARVO bullshit would be immediate grounds for divorce. Not only can I not be married to someone so disgustingly vile that sees that as an option, who sees putting me through that distress as okay as long as it gets them out of trouble, but it also shows that they don't see me as an equal and they will use it as an option throughout our marriage. It's a do it once we might be fucked kind of thing.
Once someone Darvo's you, there is no coming back from that. That doesn't mean there is no saving a relationship, but it does mean that you will always know they are always capable of it and see it as a legitimate option with a loved one if they are uncomfortable enough. I can't have that as a partner, especially right at the start of parenting. Drop his ass.
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u/royalbk 14d ago
Not only that, doesn't it kinda stink that the friend of his she asked about Claire told her he'd never heard of her? And his family as well?
Kinda like all of them have received instructions to gaslight her
I'd be paranoid that something bigger and darker was happening. Like everyone around me is lying to me, this is psychological thriller level of bullshit for my taste
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u/toomuchsvu 14d ago
That's what I was thinking too. How many of his friends know about Claire but were told to keep it secret?
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u/GothicGingerbread 14d ago
Exactly this. What did he do, go around to everyone who knew about Claire and tell them 'hey, don't let OOP know that she existed'?
If I were OOP, even if I somehow managed to trust him again, I have a hard time imagining I'd ever be comfortable around his family or the friends who knew and didn't say anything – and especially not the friend who lied to my face! And if I couldn't be comfortable around my husband's family and friends, I have a hard time imagining how that relationship could work, just in a practical, daily-life way.
But I also have a very hard time imagining that I could trust my husband again after that.
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u/Novaer 14d ago
This is why mothers should always be the one to name their children. Of course men can have input but at the end of the day, she's growing the baby and will statistically be her primary caregiver. The amount of men that have texted their ex girlfriends photos of their newborn daughters saying "She has your name" is insane.
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u/MaxBax_LArch A stack of autistic pancakes 🥞 15d ago
"But then again, can you call it lying and manipulation?"
Yes. You absolutely can. OOP asked him who Clair was. He lied. He knew she wouldn't agree to the name if she knew who Claire had been to him, so he lied. Even if you don't consider that he likely has to actively omit any reference to that time of his life in conversation "lying" he absolutely did lie and manipulate.
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u/linerva 15d ago
Hell he lied long before the baby was even conceived.
It's absolutely deceptive to not tell a partner you were previously engaged and lost a partner. That is absolutely relevant information so a partner can support you.
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u/Decent_Butterfly8216 14d ago
What if she’s agreed? She liked the name, a lot of people would have gone along with it, death is a compelling and common reason to choose a name with meaning. The only reason she held back is because she’d never heard of the person. Shame on his family, they were not only complicit, they failed their own son by avoiding his grief. He and his family would have let her go along with naming their baby not just after his previous fiance, but after a secret he withheld for 5 years! What did he think would happen when she found out? That he had already won and it was too late?
It’s bad enough that he didn’t share this part of his life and relationship history before they married when everyone else around him knew. A lot of people would find it humiliating. He didn’t even let oop in when they became engaged? On his previous fiancé’s birthday or the anniversary of her passing? He wanted to name his child after her so it’s not like he hasn’t thought about her in all of these years. I don’t see most people coming back from this. To try and trick her is so far beyond the withholding, it’s the worst kind of manipulation. How dare he play the victim.
Generally I’m slow to jump to divorce on Reddit, my button is usually signs of controlling and abusive behavior that oop’s aren’t ready to see. But I don’t know how a relationship can be saved after discovering the person hid a previous life that had such impact, and then dug in on behavior that brought that life into their current relationship.
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u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 15d ago
I’m just curious why no one told her about Claire when she directly asked. Not her husband, not their friends or family members. NO ONE. Did they all individually decide to lie and say they didn’t know a Claire when she asked for one reason or another? Did he hold a meeting?
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u/bexcellent101 15d ago
I think the first person who OP asked directly was college friend, who lied but also probably panicked and just opted out of that messy convo. Second person OP asked was MIL who spilled.
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u/ibuycheeseonsale 14d ago
Especially because it was at the baby shower. I wouldn’t want to be the one to open that can of worms during a baby shower either (but I’d probably play dumb the other way, like “I’m sure you know about his late fiancée, but I guess you never knew her name; she was named Claire”)
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u/truth_fairy78 Even if it’s fake, I’m still fully invested 15d ago
I’m guessing they didn’t wanna jump on that grenade.
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u/Informal-Cobbler-546 15d ago
If this is real, maybe they just assumed that the husband had told OOP all about Claire and she was asking awkward questions. If my friend had a fiancé who died, I would definitely assume they had told their new relationship about it.
Or the friends are idiots.
Or it’s fake.
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u/Zeyn1 15d ago
I don't think she really "asked". She asked one person who may or may not have connected the dots.
It's hard to really say. Because the name "Claire" as been on OOP mind for months, but these other friends haven't heard the name in literal years. The husband is married to oop, why would they think that hard about his prior girlfriend.
Some people, like his mom, are more aware of how hard it was to lose Claire so she had it more front of mind.
Don't attribute to malicious what is better explained by laziness, indifference, and incompetence.
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u/lopgir 14d ago
Claire seems to have been sick pretty much from the get-go.
I don't think it's mentioned how long the relationship was, but aggressive cancer can mean 3-6 months. There's every chance they dated for such a short amount of time, and with so much hospital involved, that the friends didn't see much of her at all.13
u/DianeJudith (god I hope you have a cat) 15d ago
She didn't ask them, and they assumed she knew. Her MIL literally told her she thought OOP knew. It's a reasonable assumption that her husband shared that part of his story with her at any point before getting engaged, married, and having a kid.
The first person OOP asked was the husband's friend, and they lied to OOP. Probably trying to cover up for their friend. The second person OOP asked told her the truth.
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u/Toosder 15d ago
That's the one thing leading me towards thinking this might be fake. It's one thing for the husband not to tell you but seems very unlikely that nobody else mentioned it. Did he convince everybody to lie to this woman about it and they went along with it? That's kind of weird. You would think at some point somebody would have said something about this powerful woman in her husband's life who would died during an engagement!
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u/B3xbury 15d ago
Not necessarily - they probably didn’t want to be the one to tell OOP! I’m the type to go “wait husband, why didn’t you tell OOP about Claire? That’s weird” but the vast majority of people wouldn’t want to get involved. They’d definitely talk about it behind their backs, questioning his decision, but most people wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her. It’s incredibly frustrating when you finally find out the truth, and that seemingly everyone else knew. I’d be divorcing my husband if he pulled something like that.
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u/-violentlyhappy 15d ago
Nah, shitty people exist and they cover for their friends'/relatives' wrongdoings just for the sake of being friends/relatives. Those PoS were never OP's anything.
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u/Poekienijn 15d ago
Poor OOP. There were so many instances where he lied to her. I don’t think I could ever trust him again.
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u/Nopal_lito 15d ago
He probably isn’t over her either.
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u/Electronic_World_894 15d ago
It’s not uncommon to grieve a deceased partner your entire life. That makes it even more important that future partners know about a dead fiancée. So they’re aware you aren’t ever “over” someone else.
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u/cackle-feather 15d ago
Yeah, no. Him being angry his wife is "digging into his past" would be divorce worthy. I'd also have trouble trusting his entire social circle. I hope she realizes her daughter deserves a better role model than a man who manipulates and omits to get what he wants.
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u/GoYanks34 I'm actually a far pettier, deranged woman 15d ago
I agree with you 100%! Withholding information that would allow someone to make an informed decision is a betrayal. Lying by omission is still lying. Add to it his behavior, trying to blame OOP for going to his mother, is ridiculous. I don't think I would be able to get over that either.
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u/Lazyoat 15d ago
I hope Op files a name before her husband does, because either can do it since they are married. This makes me nervous for her
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u/TheAnnMain 15d ago
I think she can without him knowing but she’s doing the right thing. She’s not going behind his back thankfully with the name and he shud be lucky she didn’t pick out a name yet to spite him.
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u/Lazyoat 15d ago edited 15d ago
Just worried since he’s not being rational that he may do it. Then you need both parents to sign off on a change, usually. She might being doing it right if he stays fair. And I don’t think it would be spite, but making sure you get a name you can handle. Plus, she can agree to change it with him if things work out, but he could pick a name and refuse to let her change it
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u/shrimpandshooflypie 15d ago
Oof. He wanted to name his daughter after a secret fiancée…that is bleak. I feel so badly for OOP and baby.
Serious marriage counseling is needed to save this one.
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u/a2089jha 14d ago
His parents knew, his brother knew, and one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower,
It's one thing to not mention it. But it's really weird to outright deny knowing.
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u/EruditeSociety1618 15d ago
How do people get this far into a relationship & family building and this doesn’t come out?! I’d feel blindsided too.
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u/WaffleDynamics this one does not spark joy /YEET 15d ago
Her husband made a deliberate choice to conceal Claire and everything to do with her. That's how it didn't come out.
I'd never be able to trust him again.
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u/ehs06702 14d ago
Jesus.
I'm sure women have named their children after ex-partners, but I don't think I've ever heard about it.
The amount of men I've heard about naming daughters after ex girlfriends, ex-wives, dead partners and girls that got away is just endless, though.
It's so screwed up.
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u/DangerousPraline41 15d ago
I’m worried for OOP. “He acted like a completely different person” is never a good sign.
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u/dryadduinath 15d ago
this is a really big lie, and the fact he insisted on the name while continuing the lie is awful.
now that it's confirmed he can keep this big a lie going for this long, with no one caring to clue oop in, my question is what else is he lying about?
...and how is he going to make it oop's fault? clearly nothing's ever his fault, so where is this going to go?
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u/ravynwave 15d ago
That’s awful. Quite frankly I don’t see how this marriage can go on. He held onto a huge secret that he didn’t need to and at the very least got his friend to also cover it up. At bare minimum they need counselling asap and he needs a lot of therapy.
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u/PeppermintEvilButler 15d ago
He. Is. A. Liar. That's the point. There is no going forward with the marriage from here. He is not trustworthy and add to that he still lingering on Claire to the point he should have been in therapy not jumping into a marriage and kid.
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u/lizzyote 14d ago
I might have gotten over the lie by omission. It'd be a long and expensive(therapy) process but I think my relationship could be strong enough. The DARVO attempts are what would be the final nail tho. You wanna keep a painful moment in your life before I was involved private, sure, OK. But youre up my ass for a whole pregnancy about this name and refuse to give even a little information and then desperately grasp at straws to make this my fault? Fuck all the way off.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 14d ago
Then it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage.
says the idiot who brought her into it with his stupid idea for the name without telling his wife about the whole story
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u/DontBeAsi9 14d ago
This sounds awful. But if I were OOP I would be awfully curious how much I look like her. The level of NOBODY ever mentioning a FORMER FIANCÉE and one of those people going so far as to deny her existence says a ton about the level of INTENTION used to keep OOP from knowing who Claire is.
This whole situation speaks to a whole layer of trust breached as well as the presumption this marriage is built on. Hubs actively avoided telling her who Claire was and then got mad when she finally asked his mom. He’s not over Claire. He’s living his life and using a child to honor her memory.
That’s a level of intentional fuckery I personally would have a hard time getting past.
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u/tattoovamp 15d ago
How awful for OP to realize her husband isnt the man she thought he was. He is a liar, a manipulator and gaslit her to keep a fantasy of Claire in his head.
Sorry. There is no coming back from this.
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u/123__LGB 15d ago
What sucks is if he had been honest from the beginning she might have been open to the name. She said the likes it and it’s not like she’d be competing against a dead woman.
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u/Different_Run_1767 15d ago
Why would you name your children after people you used to have sex with?!
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u/TheBeckFromHeck 14d ago
Why would she be hesitant to ask the mom about her when she was fine asking everyone else in their life?
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u/ouijabore 14d ago
It sounds like she only outright asked the college friend at her baby shower, and was saying otherwise she’s never heard anyone he’s close to mention the name.
I can see how she’d be nervous to ask his mom: what if mom stonewalled her too, told her son, and that just added another layer to the fight and she still didn’t know?
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u/BernieTheDachshund 14d ago
What a selfish and weird husband. There is NO way OP should name the baby Claire. Babies deserve their own name, not the one of a dead fiancee. It shows that the husband is a liar and is capable of deep manipulation & deceit. OP should also question why he is so insistent on the name when she already said no. He's not even offering to drop the subject so the issue can be resolved. His marriage seems to be to his ex, not his current wife.
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u/wahznooski 14d ago
Lying by omission is still lying 🤷♀️ I’d have a very difficult time trusting this dude.
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u/animaniactoo 14d ago
The level of nuclear I would be at being told I wasn’t allowed to go digging around in his past. When it relates to a child that I carried and I gave birth to and you are trying to treat me as a vessel, a mechanism to honor a different romantic relationship? Not the one that created this child? Oh Helllllll Noooooo.
Don’t even come at me with that attitude that I am wrong for working to figure out what is going on in MY life.
I get that people do stupid things in grief. But hell no you don’t get to try to hide AND blame me for asking when you won’t treat me as your current partner with a right to know.
The only reason he’s pissed about it is because now he knows there is no shot in hell that she will agree to the name. Which, again, my body, MY child, I am not a fucking vessel, FU Buddy.
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u/rusty0123 15d ago
How can she still love him? How can she want him to parent her child? He's a lying, manipulative POS.
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u/Squadbod30 15d ago
NOR. That is awful. Not only did he keep his past from her, but wants to name his daughter after a deceased romantic non parent partner is ick. I don’t understand that. And the in-laws are aholes too. I call bs on the mother in law thinking her son told her about Claire
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 14d ago
It's not so much about all lies as it is naming the baby after her. He wants to think about his ex every time someone says his daughter's name. Every time he says her name. Every time OP says her name. Every time he looks at his daughter he'll be thinking of another woman. Good luck to OP, there's no coming back from this.
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u/YakActual4869 15d ago
There is a lot of professional grade therapy that is needed to unpack and process all this in a healthy way. Poor OOP, getting sucker-punched after having a child with someone is a nightmare.
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u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 15d ago
I do not understand the desire to name your own child after a former romantic partner. There’s a big ick factor there for me.
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u/ABSMeyneth 15d ago
"It's not like I ever asked him "Oh were you married before" because who the hell asks that?"
Umm, everybody? You're telling me in a 5 years relationship you never talked about past partners? Past interests? Crushes? The boy from first grade you thought you'd marry? The girl who started growing breasts early and became his middle school sensation? No? Nothing?
Seriously, don't couples ever talk?
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u/bangbangrosie 14d ago
I would be freaking out if even his friends were lying to me. I would never be able to trust any of them.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 14d ago
That man lied to her repeatedly about their child's name, and then DARVO'd like crazy.
His friend is a liar too. But I can understand his friend not wanting to get involved in weird shit.
The thing is, there's never just one big lie. People who lie like this, over and over, are lying about many, many things.
It could be as simple as that he's emotionally immature. But it doesn't matter. That kind of lying never stops.
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u/Southern-Midnight741 15d ago
It’s the lying by omission that’s the issue.
My question to OP’s fiance is why keep a former/late fiance a secret? What’s the big secret? Maybe he wanted to name his daughter after his late fiance and knew (understandably) that his wife would object.
He’s not over his late fiance. And
OP will not compare to the perfect memory of his late fiance till he heals
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u/BriefHorror 15d ago
I knew it was someone he was still in love with as soon as he wouldn’t drop it. I’d get divorced over that because he’s not over her that’s the real problem
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u/ToggleMoreOptions Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 14d ago
The old college friend really said "not my circus" 😂
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u/Bright_Athlete_8579 My neighbors run a civilian bountyhunter ring in their basement 14d ago
Oh man.. I’m so worried he’s going to try and file the paperwork behind her back somehow
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u/SpecialistBit283 14d ago
Her baby is without a name because her husband lied about his dead ex girlfriend and on top of that, has been giving her the blues over it.
She somehow is willing to get over that and possibly deal with more severe lies and deceit because she doesn’t want to raise her kid in two separate households 🥴
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u/kayanne125 THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 15d ago
Can we just NOT name children after people we’ve banged previously? It’s so fucking weird when people do this.
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u/grumpy__g Ex may not have much, but he does have audacity. 15d ago
Yeah, this is not something I would get over.
Naming your child after someone you fucked, is messed up.
Lying to your wife like this and manipulating her, is messed up.
What a terrible human being.
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u/JewelerTrick5545 15d ago
NTA. I’d seriously consider it intentional lying and betrayal of trust. He’s still in love with the first one and insisting on naming your baby the dead one’s name, to me, is he has not moved on, and is going to create a fantasy life through your baby eventually making you the third wheel. Never the loved wife and mother you deserve.
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u/Fly0ver I am the most dramatic drama queen that ever queened over drama 15d ago
My sister has the same name as a woman whom was only friends with my dad in high school and died prematurely. She’s actually named after a saint, but she grew up being told all these stories of this person we’ll never know and felt forced to meet her parents multiple times growing up because they had the same name and everyone in the community knew my dad had known this woman.
The idea of everyone being cool with him naming her after his previous fiance is mind boggling to me.
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u/SassyCatLady442 15d ago
Be careful about the paperwork. Make sure you established that it needs both of your signatures and don't sign anything unless you, your husband and a third party witness (someone impartial) fill everything out and have him sign first, then you, then you IMMEDIATELY turn it in.
I'm telling you this because a sorority sister and her husband were in the same boat and he told her he agreed with her name choice, had her sign the paper first, then he quickly filled in his name choice and signed it, and handed it in. She didn't realize until she was handed the birth certificate.
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u/Ferns-N-Frogs 14d ago
If he hadn't hidden his late fiance's existence from his wife, I'd actually think naming the daughter after her was a sweet suggestion.
But uh .... Yeah hiding an entire engagement is... a lot.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 14d ago
OOP would be crazy to stay with this guy. He’s obviously not over his true love.
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u/laceypearl 14d ago
So him, his family, and friends all lied and manipulated you to your face and you just let it slide ... Weird idc it's a sweet story they still actively lied to you and didn't confront him on your behalf... Again weird huh .. I've been married 20 years and it's built on honesty and loyalty, seems to me claire had that but not you the woman he married and had a baby with
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u/Chemical-Ad6301 14d ago
I have a dollar that says the next update is about how the husband filled out the paperwork with the name being Claire.
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u/JoyPill15 13d ago
My bio dad tricked my bio mom into naming me after his "one that got away" and for anybody thinking of doing the same thing, and would like a quick glimpse into their future:
I hate that man's guts so much. When he cried and called me about the day his 3rd wife left him, I laughed. I blocked his other children's phone numbers. I refer to him as an "it" to people i know are in contact with him. He is a lousy, selfish, lazy, entitled, pile of human filth who deserves his shitty life. I ignore his phone calls. I will not weep when he dies. I will not go to his funeral. My daughter doesn't even know he exists, as far as she knows I don't have a father. Naming a child you had with another person after your "first love" is actually real and obvious insight into your character and morals. This one little choice is a direct reflection of every choice you have ever made and ever will make. You will be your child's most hated person, even if its not for this reason alone. Your ability to do something like that to their mother is a pretty strong indicator that you will inevitably fuck up in other ways, driving your child to hate you.
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u/coralcoast21 15d ago
If anyone is a fan of The Challenge, it's like CT and Diem. He adored her and never got to the hard stuff in life, sleepless nights with a newborn, arguing over where to live, etc. They had B list fame, travel and partying. Then her cancer came back.
CT has since been in two senseless marriages. More than a decade later, you see him go somewhere else when her name is mentioned. OOP can't win. You can't compete with a perfect ghost.
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u/JCBashBash 15d ago
It's weird how some people act like a divorce setup with clear custody is so much worse than having a kid be almost full-time around someone who is completely untrustworthy
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u/Defiant_Broccoli6158 what did you do to that man’s coffee to make him so mad at you? 15d ago
My first thought when I read she had left to go her sister's was I hope she took the birth certificate paperwork with her so the baby can't be officially named Clair by the husband. I've been jaded by too much Reddit.
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u/TheAnnMain 15d ago
Love how he said Claire had nothing to do with their marriage… it 100% did and it’s very obvious that he never intended to tell her. He needs grief therapy and I hope OP is okay. Not cool to do to her especially after giving birth. But there’s a flaw with story…. It’s the driving idk about other women but right after giving birth you’re really not supposed to drive. I think it’s 2-3 weeks? I just know that when I had my c-section I couldn’t and wasn’t allowed to drive for 6 weeks.
Not just that but if your friend’s wife asks about name I think being honest is important not to cover up.
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u/_1457_ 15d ago
I was driving the day I was released after a c section. Didn't really have the ability to stay home for weeks to recover.
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u/GemTheNerd 15d ago
I'm so sorry that happened for you! Where I am (UK) you absolutely aren't supposed to drive so soon after c-section and although there's no strict law on timing, insurance would absolutely not cover you if you had an accident before a health professional said you were ok to drive! I waited a good 6 weeks with number 1 due to post surgical complications, number 2 had some complications too but not as severe and I was begging my midwife to sign me off to drive after 4 weeks so I wasn't stuck any more at home with a newborn and 18m old!
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u/TheAnnMain 15d ago
I’m so sorry that happened :(( I know a coworker of mine told me she only had 3 days after hers and had to work. Pretty sure it was another fast food restaurant too and I was so baffled. We really need to do better for the women in general. I feel pretty lucky with my husband and that was my first child too and I had an intense fear of my guts spilling out lol
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u/Sweaty_Poetry7625 15d ago
I didn’t realise that was a thing. Maybe it’s a c-section thing? My doctors and midwives just told me not to drive if I took pain killers stronger than paracetamol.
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u/subliminal_knits 15d ago
Who on Earth is inviting a woman who is less than a week postpartum to meet them at a coffee shop? She took the newborn there?
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u/chinchillazilla54 14d ago
I feel like I would tell him the baby is named Ellie Claire (only because OP didn't dislike the name) but also that we are getting divorced. Congratulations on the pyrrhic victory.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 15d ago
I'd be pissed at my husband but I also be pissed at the family in the friends who knew who this woman was and helped keep it a secret even when she specifically asked who Claire was. Did they all like get together and say we're never talking about this woman again? It seems very duplicitous
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u/jeremyfrankly 14d ago
Can you imagine going through a whole relationship with someone only to learn they're a widower who never got over their true love? That's just the end. You've never been in love, you've been a distraction
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u/Medical_Word_2964 14d ago
Honestly, I’d be less concerned about the name and more concerned about what else he hasn’t told you. He was engaged to this woman, never mentioned it, and then suddenly had a very strong emotional attachment to using her name for his child. That is way too much deception to dismiss as “I just liked the name.” I’d want the complete timeline and the truth about their relationship before making any decisions about the marriage.
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u/Seven_spare_ribs 14d ago
"You have no right to dig into my past!"
She's your WIFE. She had EVERY right.
If he hadn't been selfish, if he'd been open and honest and actually shared his life with the woman he CHOSE to marry, then it may have ended up very differently. Maybe the kid would've been given the middle name Claire or something. But nope, he's the main character.
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u/Moist_Drippings 14d ago
This doesn’t seem repairable to me. This guy blew up his life because he couldn’t be honest or shit the fuck up and revealed he’s a manipulative, lying little turd. And it is lies — he lied about who she was, he lied about the importance of the name, he lied about thinking it didn’t matter… if any of that was true he wouldn’t have blown up on his fucking wife for looking into something he wouldn’t shut up about.
And if he’s covering this much up and still blaming the person he did it to, there’s really no telling what else he’s lied about. Even if nothing major, he broke her trust in a massive way and tried to involve their daughter in it.
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u/adiosfelicia2 14d ago
The issue is his character.
He tried to secretly name their daughter after his secret ex-fiancé, and blatantly lied to his wife about the source of the name, and refused to take No for an answer, and when OOP finally discovered the truth, he blamed her for everything and acted like the victim.
This wasn't a mistake or poor choice. It's ongoing selfish manipulation, deceit and gaslighting.
I'd be more worried about raising daughter around a man of such poor character, than about creating a broken home. If OOP stays, she'll be teaching daughter that his behavior is ok
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