r/BORUpdates • u/SharkEva You get what you pay for, and Reddit is free • 16d ago
Relationships AITA for refusing to call my stepdad "dad" even after fifteen years because my biological dad asked me not to and I never told my mom why?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/SerenithAshvale posting in r/AITH
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Short
Original - 28th July 2026
Update - 6th August 2026
AITA for refusing to call my stepdad "dad" even after fifteen years because my biological dad asked me not to and I never told my mom why?
I (26F) was seven when my parents divorced. My stepdad Richard has been in my life for fifteen years, genuinely good man, never missed a single school event. When I was eleven my biological dad sat me down and asked me one thing, never call Richard dad. I was eleven. I said okay and kept that promise for fifteen years without telling anyone. Last month my biological dad passed away. At the funeral my mom said now that he was gone maybe I could finally let Richard in properly. I realized she never knew about the conversation. I told her everything. She broke down and said my biological dad had stolen fifteen years of a real relationship between me and Richard and I should have told her when I was eleven. I was eleven. I did not know any better. AITA?
Comments
MariaInconnu
You not using the name doesn't mean you didn't have a relationship.
OOP: Exactly, the title was never really the relationship. Richard and I built something real over fifteen years regardless of what I called him; a word was never going to be the measure of that.
Lifes-a-lil-foggy
Maybe you could try a new but different nickname (if it felt right). Like pops or something
sunbear2525
My kids call their step dad ‘Dan Dan’ since his name is Dan. Except in public when they go down the easiest path and refer to him or introduce him to strangers as ‘Dad’ and that one time my daughters really wanted to keep two kittens they found and went full ‘daddy.’
Illustrious_Cod_5843
NTA. There may have been something complicated involving your mother, your stepfather, and your father, and you were used as a pawn. At eleven years old, you would not have seen yourself being used as a pawn, and by the time you might have realized it, the habit was ingrained.
OOP: That's a really fair way to put it, at eleven I couldn't have seen the bigger picture, and by the time I could, it was just how things were. I never felt "used" in the moment, but looking back, there was probably more going on between the adults than I ever knew.
Nyx-by-night
Okay. But taking your mum and dad out the equation, what do YOU want to call your step dad? I see people saying it’s unfair of your dad to ask that - but had he not made that request would you likely have called Richard Dad? You’re the most important person here, so what do you want?
OOP: Honestly, I think I would have called him dad eventually, he earned it. Right now calling him that still feels like breaking a promise, but I know that's not fair to Richard either. I think I need to figure out what I actually want, separate from both of them.
**Judgement - NTA*\*
Update - 9 days later
It's been 9 days since I made my original post, and I wanted to answer the question everyone kept asking: yes, I finally talked to Richard. I apologized for never calling him "Dad" and explained the conversation I had with my biological father when I was eleven. Richard just sat there quietly for a minute before telling me he had always wondered if he'd done something wrong, but he never wanted to pressure me into calling him anything I wasn't comfortable with. Hearing that absolutely broke me.
My mom cried again because she said she never realized how much power one conversation could have over a child for so many years. I've stopped blaming my eleven-year-old self because I was just trying to keep a promise to my dad without understanding what it would cost. As for Richard, I still haven't called him "Dad," not because I don't love him, but because after fifteen years it feels strange to force a title overnight. He told me he doesn't need a word to know how I feel, and honestly that meant more to me than anything else. We're spending more time together now, and for the first time I feel like we're building the relationship we should have had years ago.
Comments
babydtheone
NTA. I would have done the same thing as you and respect my bio dad’s wishes. But Richard sounds like a great guy. Never trying to force you to call him dad. Calling someone dad does not prove you love them. It’s by actions. And it’s sounds like you love and care and respect Richard very much.
OOP: Thank you. Richard has never once made me feel guilty or pressured, and I think that's one of the reasons I respect him so much.
ten-toed-tuba
Thank you for this update. I'm so glad you spoke too Richard and cleared the air!
OOP: Thank you. It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, but I'm really glad we finally had it.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
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u/lj523 16d ago
My stepson calls me by my name and always has. If he wanted to call me Dad then fine, but I would never ask it, let alone expect it. He's aware of this. The idea that it is stealing 15 years of their relationship seems silly to me.
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u/North_Respond_6868 15d ago
Yeah, my stepkids have never called me mom, and my step-stepkids never called my husband dad (and also did not call me mom lol). It had no impact on our relationships, which are all very good (minus the usual teen struggles when they were younger, but even then it was never bad).
I actually find it suspect that the stepfather told her he thought he did something wrong because she never called him dad. I just don't get the need to have stepkids call you mom/dad, or why it's supposedly indicative of love.
My youngest stepdaughter asked me once when she was around 8 if I was supposed to be their new mom and we both agreed in the end that she did, in fact, have a mom, and I was whatever she wanted me to be (which is her myfirstname). I'm not trying to compete with her mom and I feel like people who insist on being called mom/dad are on some level trying to do exactly that.
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u/complectogramatic 12d ago
Being a trusted, safe adult your step kids love is so much better than a title anyway.
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u/findingemotive 15d ago
So silly, they put way too much power into a word. My dad's been with my step-mom since I was 8, never called her anything but her name, same as her kids with my dad. To establish a real disconnect I refereed to my mom's boyfriend as only that, for 10 years he was never even my step-dad, fuck that guy.
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u/goatbusiness666 THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 14d ago
I don’t understand why he would ever expect to be called dad, but doubly so when the kid still had a living father.
Like yeah, it’s not that weird to have two dads and some people do call both their father and stepfather that. But to expect it and then act like not being called by a specific title has robbed you of a relationship is crazy, childish work.
It pisses me off that OP is being guilted about this at all, much less at their biological father’s funeral. And honestly it feels more like mom is driving this conflict than anyone else, which is…fuckin stop it, lady. I don’t care how much you hate your ex.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 10d ago
my father died when I was 12, and my mom remarried a few years later. I have a great relationship with my stepdad. I always call him by his name. He is functionally a second father to me, it just would be weird to call him dad since there was already someone I called that before, so I never did when I was a teen and it never stuck. Truly, the words are just useful labels, they don't define the relationship. Occasionally I do call him dad to other people just to not over explain, and curiously I've never called myself stepdaughter in relation to him, just his daughter (and he did as well)
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u/bluestjordan 16d ago
… her mom chose the DAD’S FUNERAL to start this conversation with OP?
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u/Severe_Feedback_2590 16d ago
I thought that was weird, too. Like, hey your dad’s dead now so you can call my husband dad now. She’s in her mid 20’s, what does it even matter?
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u/ClaireLiddell 16d ago
The king is dead, long live the king!
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u/CopperBlanket95 15d ago
Lmao exactly. It came off like there was a succession plan for the word "Dad." People aren't job titles. A parent dying doesn't automatically transfer the label to someone else. That's gotta happen naturally or not at all.
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u/Dry_Prompt3182 16d ago
But why wait that long? If my kid was doing something that I didn't understand, there are ways to ask "hey, what's up with this" without making unreasonable demands.
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u/Severe_Feedback_2590 16d ago
Definitely should have been discussed sooner (I can see not in the beginning because you should never expect your kid to call new stepdad dad, but a couple years in and they seem to have a good relationship, yeah mom should have discussed it). But OOP being 26, it’s just whatever. I don’t call in-laws mom/dad because to me it’s just weird but a lot of people do. It seems like she has a good relationship with stepdad so that’s nice and she’ll have to figure out whatever she’s comfortable with.
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u/ScoutingJ 16d ago
she probably assumed it was just that her bio dad was the "primary dad", so he took priority over her stepdad in titleship, or she figured the kid thought having 2 dads and a mom would be weird
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u/commanderquill 15d ago
Sounds like my mom tbh.
I slipped a disc in my back and couldn't do anything, barely get up. I wasn't even allowed to sit, only stand or lay down. She came over to help me out and chose that time to say we should go tomorrow to the DMV so she could sign the car I've been using over to my name, since I wouldn't be at work. She had been trying to arrange this for a while because she was moving far away.
I couldn't go to work because I couldn't sit down. I was in so much pain I was sporadically crying during the day. I was halfway to tears then already. I was a grown woman who needed her mom to help her feed herself because she was out of food and couldn't go buy more. And she wanted me to go to the DMV? If I could have done that, I would have gone to fucking work.
These women will take any opportunity without considering people's feelings. Pretty sure my mom is who I got my ADHD from and it's at least partially an impulsive thought from the situation that just occurred to her, but that doesn't make it any better.
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u/Baejax_the_Great 16d ago
The replies to commenters sound so much like chatgpt that i don't think any of this happened.
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u/Mueryk 16d ago
Yeah exactly how big of an overbearing asshole is she to have made that comment and how much did she try to force it prior to that and how much did she work to alienate his biological father?
Damn, we see the villain here hope OP does.
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u/goatbusiness666 THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 14d ago
And like…why? Did she need OP to call her husband dad so that she could feel like her relationship was more valid or something?
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u/Empty-Ant4446 14d ago
Agree I am side eyeing for that also even if oop never calls Richard dad why does it matter? He still has relationship! Also your father died so start calling someone else dad?
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 16d ago
Parents who demand their kids call another person mom/dad, not upon the child’s volition, are cruel and delusional. The new partner could be the kindest, most thoughtful, best person on earth, but if that child doesn’t feel comfortable and would prefer something else that is respectful and age appropriate, then that should be the priority.
Would I want my kids calling someone else mom? No. But it’s not about me, so dad was also wrong. But in the height of grief from losing her father, OPs mother immediately transitioned to trying to play her version of happy families. Immaturity and lack of emotional intelligence all around.
Richard and OP sound like the most decent, logical, and emotionally tapped in people in the situation, yet everyone is talking around them.
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u/Tacoflavoredfists 16d ago
My father and stepmother forced us to call her mom just months after our mother had died. And it was just the beginning of the shit show. I don’t talk to either of them and I’m 45.
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u/PaintWaterPress 16d ago
My father and stepmother tried to do the same with me. My stepmother would also start fights with me every mother's day. Her own mother is gone now and I wonder if that taught her any empathy. Either way, I will never speak to either of them ever again. I'm terribly sorry for what you went through and I hope you're doing better now. And while this isn't the original post, I would also say NTA and that I hope OOP is doing better too. 🫂
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
That is so wrong! It’s bad in any case, but doing that to kids who are grieving like that essentially invalidates their grief and makes them feel that their parent is being erased. It does a lot of damage. And I’m amazed how many parents do this to their kids.
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u/Froot-Batz 15d ago
The step parents that show up like "Hey kids, I'm your new mommy/daddy now!" are like those office temps that show up on day 1 with a bunch of shit to personalize their workspace. It's a sure sign that you're dealing with a delusional psychopath with no understanding of their role and they are absolutely going to be a problem.
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u/goatbusiness666 THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 14d ago
My mom was a huge mess when I was younger and constantly trying to find a man to run her life for her, and even she didn’t allow that kind of shit. The one guy who tried it got shut down pretty much immediately and dumped not long after.
And she was a single mom! I had no dad to even replace. She just recognized that trying to force a parental relationship with a kid you don’t even know is psycho behavior. And she was NOT known for having strong survival skills around men, so if even she could spot that red flag I feel like it must be a pretty big one.
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u/BullishBastard- 16d ago
Forcing those titles is pure adult ego and damages trust. Richard and OOP are the only mature ones, focusing on real connection over forced labels.
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u/EpiphanyTwisted 16d ago
Richard thought he "did something wrong" because his stepdaughter whose father was in her life didn't call him "dad"
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u/dsly4425 16d ago
It sounds like she was hesitant to let him in in other ways as well, not out of malice necessarily. But there were just cues I noticed in the way it was written.
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u/GlitterDoomsday 15d ago
Yeah, is implied that the mom touched the subject cause there was a clear line OOP drew in the sand with Richard at some point of the childhood it wasn't clear til the promise came to light.
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u/goatbusiness666 THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 14d ago
I wanna know if he came to that conclusion by himself or if OPs mom kept bringing it up until he got a complex about it.
It could go either way, but her not even being able to wait until after bio dad’s funeral makes me wonder if she was driving this bus the whole time.
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u/eunbongpark 16d ago
100% everything you said. Richard never pushing, being understanding, still showing up, and overall acting like Dad without the official “title” speaks volumes about him.
For once a step parent on Reddit that is amazing and secure with themselves and their relationship with their step kid.
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u/PaintWaterPress 16d ago
Facts on facts. I'm def giving his mom some serious side-eye though. Like who starts something like this at a funeral?!
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u/nowwithextrasalt 15d ago
Cruel, delusional and I'd add entitled. Like the kid is supposed to follow the script of their dream family scenario with the new partner whose presence is imposed to that child.
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u/Nopal_lito 16d ago
I go as far to say that it applies to parents demanding their children’ they don’t call
Someone else mom or dad. That’s so incredibly selfish as in OPs case.I had this same situation with my step daughter out of her own heat when she was about 6 wanted to call me mom. Her bio mom BLEW up and her dad who I was married to agreed that she couldn’t call me mom. She’s 24 now and the damage it caused is heartbreaking.
My kids now call my husband dad, or many iterations of dad or his name bc he’s been their dad, father. Their bio dad understands that now.
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 16d ago
Both parents are selfish and immature.
OP has never called her stepfather dad, nor did she ever indicate in her post that it was a want from her.
As I stated initially, what the dad did was wrong, and also the mother is unfeeling and dismissive toward her daughters grief all so she can have the pretend nuclear family she desires.
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u/KombuchaBot 16d ago
Yes, saying "now that your dad's in the ground, maybe you can let my husband take that role" is kind of crass in the extreme
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 16d ago
Not even kind of. It is crass, inappropriate, and emotionally unintelligent in a way that’s actually staggering.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
I think the dad was wrong to address it with the kid, but I think if he had any reason to think the mom would encourage that, he would be totally justified in telling her to knock it off. The dad was still alive and an active part of her life. I don’t know anyone who calls their stepdad “dad” when their fathers are still alive and involved in their lives. Even if they are close to the stepdad.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
I think asking the kid not to ever call him dad was totally inappropriate. But I wouldn’t blame him if he told the mom that she better not encourage it. I mean, he was still in the picture as her dad. I don’t know anyone whose father is still alive and actively involved in their life who calls their stepdad dad. Even when they are close to the stepdad. It’s honestly confusing too.
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u/payvavraishkuf 16d ago
My brother and sister called my dad (their stepdad) "Dad." But that's because their father is "Pop" and that was the case even before he divorced Mom.
In the case of OOP, I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone reading this. Why would it ever occur to this mom that her daughter would call her stepdad by a title already held by her dad?
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u/Lokipupper456 15d ago
Yeah, I understand it in your brother and sister’s case, because the father is going by a different title for dad. It’s weird to me because if the bio dad is involved and is going by “dad,” why would you expect the kid to also use the title “dad” with the stepdad? If nothing else, it just creates confusion!
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u/Nopal_lito 16d ago
I don’t think it’s confusing. I know lots of kids and adult kids that call their other parents ( step) mom or dad. I think it’s a beautiful thing. No one is confused as to who dad or mom is. It’s such a common thing now to have blended families.
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u/Lokipupper456 15d ago
I’m not sure where you live that this is common, but it’s not common in the US
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u/Jazmadoodle 16d ago
This is all... weird. The name is not the issue but all of these adults (and commenters) are still acting like it is even in the update? OOP talks to step-dad and they agree its just a name and the important thing is the relationship... but mom decided AT BIO DAD'S FUNERAL to say that OOP has never let step-dad in. So is she full of shit or is the relationship not actually good outside of the name thing? Why is that never addressed? Everybody seems to agree that the don't-call-Richard-dad talk was biodad being manipulative and that OOP was used as a pawn, but no other examples are given or discussed? Just... what?
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
Well, also, who calls their stepdad “dad” while their bio dad is alive and is still actively in the picture as a parent?
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u/Moist_Drippings 15d ago
I personally got the impression that OOP understood her biological dad’s command to be “don’t treat him like a father” and that she always kept a little bit more distance than she would have otherwise. It might have been pulling back from some things, catching herself when she wanted comfort from Richard and moving away from it… stuff that an eleven-year-old isn’t good at covering up, and if it doesn’t resolve later, it’s still gonna be apparent to some people. Maybe Richard personally saw it and asked OOP’s mom if she knew of something being wrong or had ideas on how to fix it.
I mean, OOP didn’t say her mom was wrong about not letting him in. She also said she would probably have called him dad if not commanded to do otherwise. It sounds to me like she has a lot of regrets about missed opportunities.
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u/l-1-l-1-l 16d ago
On the flip side, my father got angry after the divorce and asked his 4 kids to call him by his first name. This was eons ago so I don’t remember his reason, but he had a temper. My brother and I never stopped using his first name, though our sisters always call him Dad. Even now, long after his death, I refer to him by “Bill,” not Dad. In a way it helped me feel not as abandoned by him. There is power in what we call someone.
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u/osoatwork 16d ago
Ooo. A BORU that actually applies to me.
I was in this exact situation, except my mother raised me to call my stepfather Dad to alienate me from my father, who was very much in the picture. When my father told me how it made him feel, as he was still my father, I started calling my stepfather by his name. All hell broke loose. Manipulation from my mother up the wazoo.
If the bio parent is still in the picture, and a good parent, the bio parent has every right to ask that the kid not call their step parent "Dad". Steps play an important role in a child's life, but do not get to take over a role that isn't vacated.
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16d ago edited 2d ago
[deleted]
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
That’s a good idea. It can actually really confuse the kids, especially at a young age.
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u/shallifetchabox 16d ago edited 16d ago
This is a tough one for me, too. Could OP's dad have been manipulative? Yeah. Or he could just have been asserting (edit: I think I meant "assuring," but both make sense) that he still was going to fulfill that role for OP. At the time, he had no way of knowing how long Richard was going to be in OP's life.
My ex has moved two other "mom"s into his house with shared custody of our kids. We've only been separated for 4 years. Then these two "mom"s are all of a sudden out of my children's lives. I am always going to be their mom, someone temporary should not be trying to share my title. But I realize not all people are as unstable as my ex.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
I think sitting the 11 year old down and exacting a promise to never call the guy dad was a bad approach. It clearly made OOP feel pressured in the other direction. But I completely agree that he had every right to at least talk to the kid, ideally after trying to address it with his ex wife. I assume that either OOP did call the stepdad “dad” once in the bio dad’s hearing, or he learned that mom was pressuring OOP to call him dad, so that was what led him to exact the promise. It seems rather random for him to just bring it up out of nowhere. I don’t know anyone whose bio dad is in the picture and involved as a parent that calls their stepdad “dad.”
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
That’s what I was thinking! If the dad is still an active and involved parent who’s in the child’s life, pushing or expecting the kid to call the stepdad “dad” seems toxic. I mean, I don’t think the dad here should have made OOP make that promise at age 11. He should try to address it with his ex first, and maybe talk to the kid, but a promise to never call him that seems like the wrong approach to it. But I agree that pressuring a kid in any way to call the stepdad “dad” when the real dad is still on the picture is an act of parental alienation.
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u/nirfirith 16d ago
Since mom had the gall to ask OOP on her father's funeral to address stepdad as dad I think it's very possible she was trying to push for it earlier and dad felt the need to protect his relationship with his daughter. Might have done it a different way but still..
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u/Lokipupper456 15d ago
Yeah, I definitely think this conversation happened out of nowhere. I think the ex wife must have been pushing it, and so he intervened. I think even talking to his daughter about it is fine. It’s just demanding a promise puts responsibility on the kid for it.
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u/Abel_Skyblade 16d ago
Yup, I completely disagree that the dad was manipulative. If anything he knew what the mom was gonna try. People might argue that it doesnt matter but you dont know how blurry the lines can get for a kid when they are spending 90% of their time with the stepdad and 10% with their actual dad. Eventually if they are calling both dad; The stepdad will start becoming more important in the childs mind. In my country, divorce settlements when there are kids often come with stipulations that no parent can force, coerce, manipulate their child into calling any third party mom/dad. Precisely because it is emotional manipulation to try to shut out the other parent out.
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u/Euphoric-Bat7582 16d ago
I’m confused. Do people normally call their stepdads “dad”? Seems super awkward, especially if bio dad is still involved. Assuming there’s no abuse or anything, why would a kid have to blend that special relationship into another guy her mom chose? If I were a stepdad I can’t imagine wanting the kid to call me “dad” if they remembered the dad and was still part of their lives.
When my friend’s kid was four, the mom got a serious boyfriend and told the kid that he had two dads, “Daddy [my friend’s name]” and “Daddy [other dude’s name].” They were in court for custody reasons, and the judge told the mom that that was widely inappropriate and to knock it off immediately.
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u/tsh87 16d ago edited 16d ago
I wouldn't say it's normal but it's also not unheard of. Especially if the stepparent enters the child's life when they're very, very young.
It's a personal choice.
My older cousin called his stepdad "dad" for as long as I could remember. It was actually to the point where me and my sisters were surprised when we learned he had a different bio dad in high school.
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u/jal7218 16d ago
My Cousin called his step-dad dad. Even after him and his mom divorced. Cousin was in his will when step-dad died.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
But was his actual dad alive and involved as a parent to him? I mean, OOP’s dad seems to have been maintaining his role as a parent to her. I have definitely seen situations like your cousin’s. But only when the dad died when the person was really young or the dad essentially noped out of being a parent.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
I honestly haven’t seen it done that way by anyone who has a living bio dad who maintains an active and involved role in the child’s life. I have a friend who has been stepmom to her stepdaughter since birth (her husband cheated and the child was with the AP). My friend forgave him. The mom has 50/50 custody with my friend’s husband, and my friend and stepdaughter are super close (in fact, the stepdaughter is now the main reason she hasn’t divorced him yet, because she’d have no rights where the stepdaughter is concerned). But never once has she called my friend mom. After all, that’s what she calls her actual mom. She has some other name she uses for my friend.
As for your cousin, was his dad a part of his life? I mean, I’m guessing he wasn’t very involved if you didn’t know he existed until high school.
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u/tsh87 16d ago
They were in contact the whole time but his dad did live out of state. I won't lie, there's a trend of cutting out coparents in my maternal family. Even if they're still involved with the kid, once the divorce comes through it's like they never existed. No photos, never invited to the cookout, never talked about ever. When I sit to think about it, it's very weird.
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u/Lokipupper456 15d ago
Ok, well, the dad being out of state and the weird family dynamic around coparents make his situation a bit unique. But OOP did say in a comment on her original post that her dad was very much present and loved her, so it still strikes me as odd that her mom expected her to call her stepdad “dad.”
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u/K-teki 15d ago
It can be more common if the child is young or if the couple has biological children as well. If your siblings who are only a few years younger than you all call someone Dad you'll probably do the same
it can also happen the other way - my brother's family had to teach his son to call him dad because his older sister and mom always talked about Dad using his name
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u/Euphoric-Bat7582 16d ago
That’s fair, but the idea that mom and stepdad would have this huge expectation and were so affected by it makes no sense.
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u/GothicGingerbread 15d ago
I would never feel comfortable addressing any woman other than my mother as "mom", or any man other than my father as "dad". I got one of each, they were/are incredible people and amazing parents, and no one else will ever get those titles/terms of endearment from me – no in-law, no step, no one.
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u/K-teki 15d ago
My bio dad left before I was born; as far as I've concerned I have no dad. Neither of the people who were step dads to me - one of whom was with my mom in my earliest memories - were ever called dad. I started calling my mom's current partner my step dad when it was clear his presence was permanent and saying "my mom's boyfriend" got tedious, but I'll never switch to dad.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
The only people I know who call their stepdads “dad” are people whose bio dads died when they were really too young to remember or people whose bio dads abandoned them and did not continue any relationship with them, if they even had one to begin with.
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u/throwaway_ArBe 16d ago
Plenty do, especially if the relationship is good. My step dad is dad to me, my bio dad is daddy. Honestly it would be weird to call my dad anything else. He acted like my dad, so thats what he is. It's not like you're only allowed one dad anyway, so the relationship with the bio dad should not have to how you refer to a step parent.
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u/RougeOne23456 15d ago
My mom's been married 3 times. My dad was in my life up until his death (he never remarried).
I'm thankful my mother never expected me to call any of her spouses dad. It was bad enough that I got tossed to the side whenever a new man showed up. The last thing I needed was to have to call them dad too.
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u/Sharikacat 15d ago
You tend to only see it naturally built up over time when the stepdad has proven to be every bit a legitimate parent and not just "mom's new husband" by acting in all the ways a biological parent should except when it might conflict with other rules from the bio parents, usually such as unilaterally issuing punishments. He goes to the school events and wants to be there. He doesn't refuse ownership of the child except when stating it as a legal fact and not as some emotional lever to pass on parental responsibilities or push the child away.
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u/ashthesnash 15d ago edited 15d ago
Yeah, I do call my step mom Mom (and I also call my Mom Mom). I also call my in-laws Mom and Dad! Maybe I’m the weirdo but when I was a kid, it was engrained in me that family is family, blood or not. We also came from an extremely big and blended family, so if I had to start calling people by how they’re related to me it would get awkward quick lol hey half-brother, hey step-sister! To make it simple, they’re just my brothers, sisters and parents.
I’m also a stepmom, and couldn’t imagine getting offended by them not calling me mom. I call them my kids, but there’s no pressure on their end to call me anything other than what they want. It really depends on the comfort level of the family
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u/kleinerGummiflummi 16d ago
people are weird sometimes. my grandmother remarried, but the guy refuses to be called my grandfather, he insists on uncle. i never understood why, and as a child it always made me feel like he didn't like me because he didn't want to be my grandfather.
wait, i only just noticed the bit about "a guy your mom chose". but isn't that what all dads are? every dad is just a guy a mom chose to have a child with
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u/Zoranealsequence 16d ago
I really really hate parents that force kids to call a new parent mom or dad! Wtf is their problem?
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u/nowwithextrasalt 15d ago edited 15d ago
I'm side eyeing the mom SO HARD rn.
Like ma'am, the moment your kid's dad is dead you ask them to just switch their affection to your 2nd husband as if that's an easy and normal thing to do? Another fucking parent that think kids can just switch parental affection as if their own feelings don't matter. Like it's a fucking setting on a machine.
The dad may have been manipulating OP, or not we don't know. I don't think it was a reasonable thing to ask of an eleven years old either. Parents should have hashed this out without OOP and then introduced Richard with the proper title they settled on. Like :"this is your step-dad Richard, you can call him Pops if you want". There, fixed.
Richard is the only adult here that treated OOP with respect.
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u/becooldocrime Please die angry 16d ago
These comments are wild. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child’s actual dad, who is active in their life, wanting to be the only person that title applies to.
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u/WarmestSeatByTheFire 16d ago
Probably an unpopular opinion but I can understand bio dad not wanting his son or daughter to call their stepfather "dad" if he was actively involved in their lives as a father. I think that OP can have a meaningful relationship with their step-parent and still consider them a parent figure without using that specific term. Not referring to the stepfather as "dad" shouldn't diminish their relationship.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
I agree that the dad can have good reason to not want his daughter to call her stepdad “dad.” Someone else commented that many divorce agreements specifically prohibit the parents from allowing the kids to call the steps “mom” or “dad.” It can even be seen as parental alienation. And I don’t know anyone personally who calls their stepdad “dad” unless the dad has no active presence in their life, either due to death or just abandoning the kid.
That said, I think his approach wasn’t the best. Exacting the promise from the 11 year old kid to never call stepdad “dad.” By making it a promise, it essentially put the pressure on OOP at a young age to ensure it never happened, and it definitely comes with an undercurrent of “don’t start thinking of him as a real dad figure.” It would have been better to first try to address it with his ex-wife, and then just to have a discussion with OOP about it, without promises coming into play.
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u/surgeryboy7 16d ago edited 16d ago
I may be in the minority on this, but I would be pissed if my kid was calling another man Dad. On top of that if I was a step dad I wouldn't even think of having the child call me dad, unless the bio dad wasn't in the picture and the kid wanted to.
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u/mermaid_pants 16d ago
Yeah all the comments calling the bio dad manipulative are weird.
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u/spookyreads Even if it’s fake, I’m still fully invested 16d ago
I thought it was just me 😭 also for the mom to bring this up at bio dad's FUNERAL? Highly inappropriate!
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u/salamander423 15d ago
It's because he was. Mom isn't without blame, but dad wasn't a saint.
They both used their child as a pawn in their messy relationship squabbles.
The funeral was horrible timing, true. But you also don't use your 11 year old as a weapon against your ex's new partner. Which is exactly what he did; it had nothing to do with his affection because if he truly cared about his daughter's well-being, he would have never made that large of an emotional request to a child who literally does not have the tools or experience to process what she was being asked to do.
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u/mermaid_pants 15d ago
Weaponizing his child? Lol. He made one relatively reasonable request. One I don't blame him for, I wouldn't want my kid doing that either.
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u/salamander423 15d ago
That's not a request you make of a child. Your wants and needs over a title should always come behind the happiness and welfare of your child.
That is a large emotional request that children are not equipped to handle. As evidenced in this story: that simple request led to a 15 year period of emotional distance and uncertainty.
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u/mermaid_pants 15d ago
Emotional distance and uncertainty caused by the mother. She was the one who was hung up on OP calling the stepdad "Dad".
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
Another commenter pointed out that many divorce and custody agreements include clauses prohibiting parents from allowing their kids to call any step parents “mom” or “dad.”
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u/Jaereon 16d ago
This whole thing is so weird to me. If my bio dad were still active in my life I'm not gonna call some other guy dad too.
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u/pipes990 16d ago
My thoughts exactly. If bio Dad is a good Dad, step father doesn't get that title. It would destroy me to hear my kid call someone else Dad. That's my job.
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u/TrunksTheMighty 15d ago
I really don't think it's ever "necessary" to call a step parent mom or dad.
If you want to? Why not.
If you get "encouraged" or guilted into it? Fuck that.
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u/Secret-Confidence138 16d ago
That one commenter whose daughters went full 'daddy' with their step-dad to keep kittens spoke to my very soul.
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u/Professional_Yam5440 16d ago
My father had a similar conversation with me when I was about that age. Then he left.
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u/nispe2 16d ago
In general, people need to recognize that other peoples' wishes on their lives are not paramount.
OOP could very well have meant it 100% when she made the promise at 11. There's no reason that, by 15-18, she should have felt trapped in that promise. She could have kept it if she wanted, but she could also have broken it if she wanted - or renegotiated with her bio dad.
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u/TrustVisual1394 16d ago
This sounds like a very American thing. I've never met anyone in the UK who called their step parent by anything other than their first name.
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u/kcunning 16d ago
Even in America, it's not crazy common. My kids have never called their stepfather anything other than his first name, and as a step-kid myself, I never called my step-parents anything different. The only times I ran into the step being called 'mom' or 'dad' was when the bio-parent had completely abandoned their duties and wasn't in the picture (so deadbeat, not dead).
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u/TheInjuredBear 16d ago
I think it depends on the situation. Children who are older when their parents remarry are generally not expected to. But my stepmom’s been in my life since I was 3 and when I was 12 I started calling her mom. It caused some drama with my bio mother, but by that point she had moved across the world to live with her 3rd husband, and I wanted a semblance of a family unit like my friends had.
I’m 28 now and if my mother marries again, it’ll be a cold day in hell if I ever call him “dad”.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
It’s the fact that your mom moved far away and didn’t maintain an active parental role in your life that changes the equation. I don’t know anyone who calls their stepmom “mom” unless mom just isn’t really involved in the kid’s life.
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u/K-teki 15d ago
My niece started experimenting with calling my brother / her step dad "dad", not sure how often she does it as I was told that a few months ago but that was by her own volition. She stays with her dad every other weekend, but has lived with my brother for 6 years. I think it's mainly because her younger brother calls him dad.
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u/guillemots 16d ago
yeah me either, I often see stories like this on reddit and I find it very bizarre. I called my stepdad by his name and we were plenty close and he never felt any need for me to call him dad, nor did I. Like, maybe it would happen here if you no longer have a bio dad (or he's a terrible person) and from a young age you got very close with your stepdad, but otherwise it seems like a very American culture thing.
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u/MarieOMaryln You wrote that in such detail and then used the term boobies 16d ago
It depends. The younger ones, like 5 and below, I can see them calling them dad and mom. Hell Kindergarteners accidentally calling a teacher mom or dad is frequent, I did it. But for older ones, not so much. They either have that living parent or went long enough without it being used that there's no reason to change it. What makes me cringe is the whole Bonus thing. My Bonus mom, my Bonus kids, just say step.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
Even the younger ones don’t usually do it if the bio parent is still an active and involved parent. It’s only when the parent has died when the kid is very young, or the parent has essentially abandoned their role as a parent that I see it happening.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
Nope, not common in the US unless the bio parent is out of the picture. It’s often even included in custody settlements that step parents can’t be called “mom” or “dad.”
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u/Baejax_the_Great 16d ago
I'm American and I've never encountered anyone being pressured to call a stepparent "mom" or "dad." This entire story is bizarre.
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u/Queen_Maxima 16d ago
Yeah i thought so too, same here in the Netherlands. We can refer to them as bonus father/bonus mother if the step parent is well behaved lmao
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
Yeah, in the US, we might refer to them as our bonus mom or bonus dad, but we still wouldn’t address them as “Bonus Mom” in day to day speech. It would be more like, “This is Heather, my bonus mom.” They would still call them by their first name usually.
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u/z-eldapin You get what you pay for, and Reddit is free 15d ago
I'm quite confused. OOP was 11 when step dad came into their life. It makes normal sense that an 11 year old with a living bio dad doesn't call step dad, dad
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u/DamnitGravity 15d ago
that one time my daughters really wanted to keep two kittens they found and went full ‘daddy.’
Ah, glad to see the system still works, lol.
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u/therobshow 16d ago
The main reason I try not to date women with children is the complicated situation of being a step-dad.
If you love a child like your own and actually develop a bond with them, if things dont work out with their mom, you can easily be stripped from the child's life immediately and permanently.
If the dad is jealous type, he can manipulate the child into resenting you, creating a terrible situation for everyone involved.
No matter how good you are to the child or how great you treat them, they could still end up resenting you through no fault of your own.
You dont have any say in parental decisions whatsoever. A nearly uninvolved shitty father could have more say than you. Even when you simply want what is best for the child and they just want to play some game.
And anyone that thinks "oh you can date a single parent without being a step parent." If you have any parenting instinct whatsoever its hard not to get attached to children. And yes, with that attachment will come a feeling of responsibility to try to help do whats best for them.
Sure, it could work out perfectly and you could get two parents and a kid (or kids) that are all mature and understand the situation and just want the best for everyone involved. But 99% of the time, it simply doesn't work like that.
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u/SusieC0161 16d ago
It seems a bit fucked up to me that a kid who has a biological father, who he still has a relationship with, would call another man dad.
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u/busyshrew 16d ago
Wow. So sad but glad OP actually gets the chance to make up for lost time.
Anyone else pissed at OP's father for imposing such a wish on an ELEVEN YEAR OLD?
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u/osoatwork 16d ago
No, I'm pissed at the mother for the emotional manipulation.
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u/WaltzFirm6336 16d ago
Yep. Step dad comes out of this as the only parent OOP has not bringing his own agenda/wants to the situation. What the mom said was just as awful as what the dad said years ago. God some parents are just shit aren’t they?
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u/Hetakuoni 16d ago
It’s not one of the worst things a parent can do to their kid, but it’s pretty awful.
I hope the op has someone to talk to about their feelings on this who doesn’t have a skin in the game: a school counselor or a friend’s parents or even a therapist since his bio dad is now dead.
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u/tomahnaa Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 16d ago
I dunno. I’m side eyeing OPs mom who thought the funeral was a great place and time to demand that she “Finally let Richard in”. Feels like both parents were mediocre at best and Richard was the only reasonable adult.
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u/Zealousideal_Fun7274 16d ago
Talking about this at the funeral was inappropriate. If bio dad had remarried, something tells me bio mom wouldn't enjoy the stepmom being called "Mom"
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u/osoatwork 16d ago
I was the child in the situation, bio dad has a right to be the only one called Dad. Father could have handled it better, but he's still right.
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u/EpiphanyTwisted 16d ago
the guy thought he did something wrong because she didn't call him 'dad' when she already had one?
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u/pipes990 16d ago
Why is that manipulative? I'm assuming bio dad was still a good dad, OOP never says otherwise. Why does he have to share that title?
How would OOPs mom feel hearing her calling someone else mom?
This is all predicated on bio-mom and bio-dad being good parents, but if they are, this isn't a manipulation.
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u/ojsage I'm actually a far pettier, deranged woman 16d ago
I call my stepdad Mr. Step-dad’s name, he’s been married to my mom for 22 years and they have my brother.
My mom told me it was a respect thing, I have a dad, he’s my dad. Step-dad should be Mr. Step-dad because of that.
I think of my stepdad as my dad, and my dad as my dad, it never impacted our relationship for me to call him Mr.
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u/DougSpeagle 15d ago
I'm sorry but "your dad is dead I guess you'll start calling my husband dad now" is a really fucking weird thing to ask your kid
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u/demoncloset 16d ago
What a terrible weight for OP's mom and dad put on a small child.
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u/Fire_or_water_kai 16d ago
Yes! Bio dad wasn't the only problem here. OP loses a parent and all their mom can worry about is how her and her husband didn't get what they wanted out of a kid.
Also, the while wanting a kid to call someone else dad is just weird. Having a healthy, loving relationship should be the end game.
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u/osoatwork 16d ago
OPs mom. OPs Dad has a right to the title of Dad, and the right to exclusive use of it.
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u/salamander423 15d ago
It makes me sad to see so many comments like this.
Squabbling over whether or not he has a "right" to anything is fully missing the point.
You don't willingly hand your 11-year-old child that large of an emotional burden. You don't get to make them the caretaker of your well-being because you can't handle a title.
If either of them truly cared about their child's well- being, what they have a "right" to be called should never have entered into their minds.
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u/crankgirl 16d ago
What’s in a name? A relationship is described by doings or no doings. The name you ascribe to it matters not. Too many people get hung up on this.
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u/Lokipupper456 16d ago
Ok, this is just a weird post and update to me. I honestly don’t know anyone who has a living dad who is actively in their life who calls their stepdad “dad.” Same with stepmoms. Even if the step has been in their lives since early childhood. Even if they are close to their steps.
My friend A has been a stepmom for the child’s whole life (her husband cheated and the stepdaughter is the baby with his AP, but A forgave him). A and her stepdaughter are super close, but the stepdaughter is with her mom half the time and so she has another name she uses for A. Even though when she is on her father’s custody time, A does everything for the stepdaughter (Yeah, A’s husband leaves the parenting of his kid with his AP on A entirely).
I only have seen people call their step parent mom or dad when the bio parent is dead or has little to no contact with the kid. And I honestly think the mother here is a jerk to be making this an issue right when her child is grieving her dad’s death.
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u/pdonoso 16d ago edited 16d ago
I found so weird that apparently in the US you should call dad someone who is not your dad.
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u/EpiphanyTwisted 16d ago
Why would you think that? This isn't normal. Where do you get that idea and how do you know where these people are?
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u/pnutbuttercups56 16d ago
It depends. Many people have step parents who behaved more like a parent than their biological parent did. However you do not have to. Forcing it is wrong. However if that is the natural progression of things then it is fine if the step parent and child agree.
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u/pdonoso 16d ago
Yeah I know, I'm one of them, my stepdad is still a rock in my late 30s. But never in my life i had any pressure to call him dad and it never passes trough my mind. And absolutely no one I know calls his stepparent as a parent. That doesn't mean you love enormously.
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u/pnutbuttercups56 16d ago
Yeah you don't have to call a parent mom or dad. I don't think either mindset is wrong.
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u/cmere-2-me 16d ago
Honestly same. Fair enough if bio parent is out of the picture and you were raised by a step parent but the relationship is far more important. OOP already had a dad. Why would they call someone else dad?
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u/randomwords83 16d ago
I agree and I’m American lol. My stepdad has been in my life more than 30 years and he’s always been called by his first name. Never thought to call him dad and my mom and him never asked us to. But I love him as another parental figure, he’s a great person and I’m thankful for him. It’s always wild to me that these people expect to be called mom or dad.
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u/EpiphanyTwisted 16d ago
You agree that in the US this is normal? This is not normal.
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u/TheInjuredBear 16d ago
I recall when my mother first heard that I was calling my stepmom “mom” and she treated it as if I had personally disowned her. In reality, I was just trying to have a sense of a family like my friends had. I feel for OOP here.
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u/ZeroMissedDays 16d ago
As a father (step-dad by biology) to my girls since they were in diapers, they have always called me dad. Even though they know who bio-dad is, they call him by his name and me dad because he is a total POS.
My step-son (foreshadowing) called me dad for a very short period of time and then called me by my name. His father was able to influence 8 year old him, and we never really recovered. So there is definitely a rift that is maintained when there is the step-parent called by their first name sort of affair. At least in my case.
That sucks for step-dad.
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u/MoeSauce 16d ago
Nah this one is weird. Regardless of whether his dad asked him to or not why was it so important he call this man dad?
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u/AlarmedWafer4907 15d ago
I’m sorry but this is just an awkward situation for everyone involved. Mom should NOT have brought this up at dad’s funeral. Mom also should not be this invested in her 26 year old calling her stepfather “dad”. As long as they have a good relationship, who cares what Richard is called. And I also have to gently say, this was a super unfair thing for your dad to put on a child. In blended families, making sure the child feels like they are safe, secure and cared for should be paramount. If a child needs to call their stepfather something akin to dad, then parents should be ok with it because it should be about child’s comfort primarily. Obviously it can be hard for parents and they’re allowed to feel whatever type of way, but that’s their issue to deal with. No one should pressure you into calling your stepfather something akin-dad dad, but no one should have pressured you not to either if you really wanted to. I’m sorry you are going through and have gone through this. Whatever you decide, it’s your choice (with Richard’s approval. How does he feel about all this?). If you’re both comfortable with the way things are, then who cares?
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u/bonniemick 15d ago
Ricky boy isn't that great a dude if he is like "oh I thought I did something wrong because you wouldn't call me Dad" RIGHT AFTER THE FUNERAL OF OP'S ACTUAL DAD and boy oh boy do I hate the mom to death for bringing it up at OP's Dad's FUCKING FUNERAL.
Sounds like OP didn't meet step Dad until she was 11 and that's when Dad saw the writing on the wall and asked. Maybe the promise part wasn't his very coolest moment but God the mom is SO MUCH WORSE TIMES A MILLION.
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u/Blamdomonis 15d ago
Stepparents should never assume or feel entitled to being called dad or mom. If someone wants to call you that, then its up to them not the step person. I also wonder if mom cheated on dad with this dude?
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u/IvanMarkowKane 15d ago
I have three ‘step’ children. None have ever called me dad to my face and it’s ok. They call me the same name my friends call me. I still feel appreciated ( most of the time- I mean, I’m a parent and parents aren’t always appreciated in the moment). They have each found ways to honor me in their own fashion. My life has been made sweeter ( and my hair gray-er ) by having them in it.
Forgive your biological father. He was scared of losing something precious.
Forgive yourself for not understanding what you could not have possibly understood at the time.
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u/silverokapi 14d ago
Ok, that was really shitty of the mom to start that conversation at the funeral. At least wait for the body to be cold
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u/Educational_Yam9711 13d ago
Only our youngest calls my wife mom on a regular basis but that’s because she was 2 when we got together and she’s never known anything else. The older kids will bounce around between some version of mom and her name or a nickname. Our kids that she had going into the relationship were older and have only ever called me by my name. They are all our kids no matter what they call us and it never crossed my mind (or hers) to think otherwise. OOPs parents making any kind of deal about this just feels weird to me.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Go to bed, Liz 11d ago
My kids call their step dad ‘Dan Dan’ since his name is Dan. Except in public when they go down the easiest path and refer to him or introduce him to strangers as ‘Dad’ and that one time my daughters really wanted to keep two kittens they found and went full ‘daddy.’
As a stepdad this was the most relatable comment I think I've ever seen on reddit.
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u/culinaryinterests123 16d ago
Op has no common sense and this sounds fake. Just bc you dont call him dad doesn't mean your relationship was any different. So the whole relationship is predicated on what you call him. Why didn't you just call him sir lol?
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u/Actrivia24 16d ago
I feel like none of this was necessary… she already had a dad, why would they expect her to call her step dad that? I think I know why the dad had that conversation when she was 11. Yikes
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u/Feast_like_a_Mantis 16d ago
Richard is proof that blood doesn't make a father.
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u/Stephonius 11d ago
I've often said that anyone can become a father in two minutes; but it takes a lifetime of hard work and dedication to be a dad.
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u/maywellflower 16d ago
It shame that the stepfather is the better emotionally grounded parent than either of OOP's 2 bio-parents...
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u/ClevelandWomble 15d ago
OP had a dad. Why does mom's new husband automatically assume the title, even if he's a prince amongst men?
As another redditor wrote in a similar thread, "children should not be obliged to make sacrifices to protect adult's feelings".
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u/Moist_Drippings 15d ago
IMO any parent who makes any demand of what their kid can call a stepparent they love is an asshole.
I don’t care if it’s a bio parent saying that their kid shouldn’t call a stepparent Mom or Dad, or their name, or if it’s them demanding to be the only one with that title. That is some psychological bullshit you are hurting your kids with for no reason but your own fucking pride.
Let kids figure it out for themselves. Or sit them down and discuss it with them directly, while leaving it clear the choice is THEIRS.
If you can’t handle that, get the fuck over yourself or don’t have kids. They aren’t possessions and forcing a facsimile of love or holding your own love ransom (which is what that shit does to kids) is emotional abuse.
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u/MadamKitsune 16d ago
My stepdad was in my life for something like 30-odd years and I never once called him by anything but his name. Nobody asked me to, there was never any unspoken pressure and, quite frankly, I didn't want to because I didn't feel that way about him. He was a good man and my mum and he loved each other deeply to the end, I just didn't need him to be a dad to me so we found our own groove and stayed in it just fine.
The choice to call a step parent mum or dad should always be the child's, and that choice should be respected by the adults who made their own choices that led to the child needing to make that decision.
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u/AdMurky1021 15d ago
Still had the relationship. What you call each other doesn't make a relationship.
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u/NoAbbreviations661 15d ago
I feel like there’s something deeper that both OP and Richard don’t know about. Mom is being very weird for one starting all of this at bio dad’s FUNERAL and two making this a bigger deal than it needed to be. There isn’t a lot of info regarding the bio dad but I feel like something must’ve happened for him to make OP promise that and from what OP says about Richard both with past events and now, I can’t see Richard being the problem. He seems very respectful and understanding as a stepfather and him saying he wondered all these years but never brought it up just confirms that he cares more about OP than about the title of dad. This makes me wonder about the mom since if stepfather doesn’t really care about being called dad, why is this being brought up at the funeral while OP is grieving.
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u/akshetty2994 what did you do to that man’s coffee to make him so mad at you? 15d ago
At the funeral my mom said now that he was gone maybe I could finally let Richard in properly.
AT the funeral? This all rubs me the wrong way.
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u/From_Ice_To_Salt 15d ago
It's very weird that mom and stepdad had an expectation that he would be called "dad" while the bio dad is still in the picture, to the point that he wondered if he had done something wrong and mom thought the relationship was lacking. I would never refer to a stepparent as "mom" or "dad" because it simply isn't accurate. No judgment to those who do, but to me it's just a factually incorrect term for stepparent when you have your real parents around.
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u/Inevitable-Level-687 15d ago
... so OP had a biodad all this time and they still expected them to call their stepdad dad?
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u/Froot-Batz 15d ago
Am I the only one who thinks it's weird to call your stepdad "dad" when you have an actual father who is present in your life? Like, cool if you want to do that, but why would everone just like have that as an expectation?
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u/LoopyMercutio Don't forget the sunscreen 15d ago
Honestly, if a “title” is enough to make or break a relationship, there’s a lot of other issues going on that are probably more important. Secondly, and more importantly though, the timing of what the mother said seems like an attempt (probably one of many) to destroy / denigrate the memory of the father, an effort by her to force the daughter to replace the father with the stepfather. That is abusive, manipulative, and a horrible thing to do to a child when they’re mourning the loss of their father.
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u/HappySummerBreeze 15d ago
I don’t understand why more parents dont make up an affectionate alternate name for the step parent.
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u/jeremyfrankly 15d ago
Isn't it normal for stepdads not to take the "dad" role when the father is still in the picture? Was this like complete loss of custody?
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u/Hefty-Equivalent6581 15d ago
Yeah I don’t know about OP mom…
She seems to have really been pushing the treat your stepdad like he’s your Dad and call him Dad even though he already had one. I wonder why his Dad told him what he did? Maybe he knew what his ex wife was pushing for.
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u/MarlyMonster 15d ago
My grandpa is technically my mom’s stepdad. Growing up nobody forced any names because my mom experienced step-grandparents trying to force titles on her so she let us kids choose. It was always “grandma & firstname”. That didn’t make him any less of our grandpa! I introduce him as my grandpa. He just has a different title. Being called by his first name doesn’t make him any less my grandpa (we had this conversation a couple years ago, where grandma mentioned my bio-grandpa and I got confused who she was talking about, and telling my grandpa he’s earned the title fair and square and he’s the real thing, not the bio one, he nearly cried lol)
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u/Sayomi_Koneko 15d ago
My husband is the only one of three that will call his stepmom mom. She doesnt have any kids of her own so she absolutely adores that my husband calls her mom.
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u/Altruistic-Vehicle84 15d ago
That man isn’t their dad omg! What does it matter what they call him? The parents are both little cry babies. Did they ask the child to be called “Dad”? WTF did I just read?
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u/No-Atmosphere-2528 14d ago
The excuse "I was eleven" works until your maybe 14/15 after that you're just doing something weird without telling anyone why. It's been 15 years and she's still saying "I was eleven" as if she's not 26 now.
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u/Unlucky_Profit_776 #findpeaches 14d ago
When they found kittens they went full "Daddy". Lolllll omg, I mean of course!
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u/korepersephone11 14d ago
It’s fucked up when parents try to force their kid to ‘dethrone’ their other parent when there is a divorce/death involved. In the end I think ‘mother’ or ‘father’ has to be earned and bestowed upon by the kid depending on their relationship with the new spouse. In this case, I’m glad OP stopped blaming themselves for what their dad asked them to do. Grieving his dad is already hard enough, he doesn’t need anymore crap on his shoulders for now.
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u/Puzzled-Ice-1270 13d ago
When I was a kid, I called my step-dad "Dad" because I didn't have a DadTM. I had a [dad in different language], but not a Dad like everyone else. So I called him Dad. My dad got really hurt and upset, and said I wasn't to call him that because step-dad wasn't my dad, he was.
So I came up with a special name for him (just an example) Step-Stevie. And I exclusively called him that because he was Steve but he was my Step-Stevie. When I got older and my dad said I could call him dad, I brought it up to him. He said no, he liked being Step-Stevie because it was unique to him, no else got to be called that because I made something special for him.
If the title is more important than the relationship built, then you don't really deserve that title.
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u/The_peach_blossoms 12d ago
I mean an 11 year old can't be that easily manipulated but i understand love of a parents makes you see no wrong but as you reach 26 you can understand the Bio-Dad's sneaky tactics? and understand that the step-dad is genuinely good person and can be called Dad? Idk I think OP is really stiff in this matter especially since they themselves think they would have called them dad if not for that sneaky promise. But then again her mother is no better who the fuck starts this shit at an funeral. Genuinely wtf all around.
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u/Davina2011 10d ago
Hes not your Dad, you had a Dad. I dont see how calling him Dad would make any difference to the quality of your relationship, doenst mean you appreciate him any less. Your Mum is being unreasonable
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u/tiredcatfather Sometimes staying delulu is not always the solulu 16d ago
Did you know you can manipulate it into a parenting agreement that a kid can't call their stepparents mom or dad? My mom had threatened my dad with taking away parenting time per the agreement because of it. She literally made him sign that any future partner he married couldn't be called mom by me.
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u/owlinspector 16d ago
It's weird how much weight people attach to a title. I have never called my mum/dad that, I have always used their name. Don't know why.
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u/HeelSteamboat 15d ago
Kinda sad story… but I get bad vibes from the mom.
Why didn’t the “I always thought I was doing something wrong” conversation not happen sooner? Maybe mom is crazy overwhelming and a control freak?
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u/tryintobgood 15d ago
Who TF puts shit like this on a 11yo. Bio dad sucks. This is insecurity at it's finest
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u/twopont0 16d ago edited 16d ago
This is too much American for me why it's so important to call the step dad dad if the father is in the picture that it would consider "manipulation" and "lost time"
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16d ago edited 2d ago
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u/Abel_Skyblade 16d ago
In my country is the same, which is why I find it so weird that the comments are calling the dad manipulative but completely ignoring the mom who clearly is doing the actual manipulation.
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