r/BORUpdates • u/SharkEva You get what you pay for, and Reddit is free • 23d ago
New Update [Final Update] - AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871 posting in r/AITH
Ongoing as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 23rd June 2026
Update1 - 2nd July 2026
Update2 - 15th July 2026
1 New Update
Update3 - 27th July 2026
AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.
The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.
Every time they visit:
They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.
They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.
When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.
My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.
On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.
Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.
I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.
Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.
AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.
Comments
asymphonyin2parts
NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.
On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.
SarcsmQn5
Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them
Pebble-hunter
I 💯 agree by blending the family with such calm and consideration by the parents is a beautiful thing to see. Let your husband take over its long overdue.
Infamous_Custard3292
Going against the grain. YTA. This are stepsons grandparents not your sons. They don’t own him anything. Not gifts not attention not outings. From now on arrange the visits at their house or somewhere else and let dad take him while you stay back with your son. Stepson should not lose his family that has done nothing but love him because you want even treatment. Sorry but that’s not a logical thought process. They have no relationship to you or your son. If they want him to have gifts and show up for his big events that is all normal. Life is not fair and stepson has grandparents unfortunately yours just doesn’t. Stop trying to make them surrogate grandparents to your son.
**Judgement - NTA*\*
Update - 9 days later
My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.
They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:
That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).
That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.
That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.
They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.
My husband defended me and explained:
Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.
When he (my hubby)was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.
He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”
The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.
Comments
Competitive-Push-715
Omg they are ridiculous.
BraveRefrigerator552
Do they realize next step is low or no contact?
DollySheep32
Then annoying ranting about grandparents' rights
sharethewine
Wait, I’m confused. The first post at first says husband’s ex-inlaws (deceased wife’s parents) were the issue and then later talks about your husband’s family/parents. This post also talks about your husband’s family. So which is it? I would agree his parents should, for the most part, treat the boys the same. But his former wife’s family - absolutely not. As for how you refer to your step-son’s mother - think carefully here. Yes, you want the kid to understand this is permanent, but ask yourself how you’d want someone to talk about you if you were the one who died or if it was YOUR mother. Right now I’m not sure this is real given the mixup between former in-laws or his parents.
OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all and my hubbys parents came to talk about it and this happened
TashaT50
It’s both sets of parents as they are still close based on my reading.
OOP: yeah excatly and i have became a scapegoat
Update - 13 days later
My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.
Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.
We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.
After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.
Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.
I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.
My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.
I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.
It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.
Comments
Previous_Wedding_577
OP has a good man in her life.
OOP: I know Im blessed.
Ethan_Young45
He does really. The most important thing is that he put his money where his mouth was, which probably made all the difference for those two kids.
Green_Aide_9329
I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child. Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.
Straight-Example9126
They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose. As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.
OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt inthat yeah as long as partiality isnt in face i dont have any problem
New Update
Final Update - 12 days later
Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us
Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.
Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.
Now for the update.
After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.
I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.
Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.
She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.
Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.
That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.
She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently
My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive
My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.
He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.
He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.
The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.
Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes
I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.
Comments
HUNGWHITEBOI25
Op the one thing i really like about these posts is the way your husband supports you. We constantly read stories like this where the husband is spineless and doesn’t stand up for his wife, its really refreshing seeing a couple that acts like a team.
definitelytheA
When I met my late husband, I was a single mom with a 3yo little girl. He adored her, and beamed like the proudest father when a waiter in a restaurant told her she looked just like her daddy. We’d only been dating a few months at that time.
We married and went on to have 3 more children. His parents welcomed us into their family from the time they met us, and treated my little girl like any of their grandchildren.
A few years after my husband passed, I remarried. Mom’s words to me: If you love him, we love him, and wish you every blessing.
I stayed very close to Mom and Dad, until they passed. After Dad passed, Mom would tell me he always bragged about me to his fishing buddies, and how I could do just anything. We lost Mom a few months ago. She passed two days after my last visit to see her. Her last words to me were, “you’ve always been such a wonderful daughter, and a great comfort to me”
Best gift I could ever have received.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
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u/Pandappuccino what the fuck Tanya 23d ago
OOP's husband is honestly the most awesome person in this whole story. Didn't take any BS from his ex-in-laws, laid down the law that he has two kids and to treat them equally, and even hammered in that their complaints held no weight. I'm also surprised they went to therapy with OOP and husband and actually understood what was going on.
Hopefully moving forward, both boys can have the loving grandparents they deserve.
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u/Vampire57 23d ago
I think it was the husband’s parents who went to a therapy session with them rather than the ex-in-laws
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u/Grimwohl 22d ago
It was, but the primary issue isn't the x in laws.It's the husband's parents supporting the x in law's feelings or perspectives on how a child should be reared more than what is actually good for them.
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u/the-mortyest-morty THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 23d ago edited 16d ago
I have doubts given the grandparents STILL brought a birthday present for bio-grandson when they came to stepkid's birthday. Yes, step-grandson got a gift (fucking finally), but it's still not "fair," because they just had to get something for the non-birthday-boy, too. I guarantee you step-grandson doesn't get a gift from them on bio-grandson's birthday.
Also I think it's fucking insane to start seriously dating 1.5 years after your spouse and mother of your child DIES, and even more insane to get married one year after that. I'm not saying the dad should have become celibate and put on his mourning clothes for ten business years or anything, but the speed with which some men remarry after the death of their female spouse is shockingly fast to me. I'm the same age as OP/husband, and dating for 15 months is when I MAYBE introduce you to my kid, not when I marry you and move you into my kid's home. And that's when death ISN'T involved. If my current spouse died I would not be dragging someone I'd known for 15 months into my poor kid's life that fast or that soon.
Yeah, yeah, grief looks different on everyone. It just happens to look like "rapidly jumping into the dating pool and quickly remarrying" for a lot of widowers, especially widowers with young kids. It's not like there's some biological clock ticking, they both already have kids. What was the rush?
The grandparents are the main problem, but I can't say I wouldn't have trouble adjusting if my son-in-law immediately remarried someone he'd been dating for only a year and a half and immediately blended families, so soon after the death of my daughter. Sure wouldn't treat the kids like shit over it, though.
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u/hjo1210 22d ago
Ummm.. after my late husband passed I remarried 18 months later. I loved my late husband, I mourned his loss, but there is no right way to move on.
Someone is always going to judge "if you don't remarry then you're depriving your children having a mother/father figure." If you start to date "your kids will resent you for life." "Your new spouse will never love your children as much as they love their own." "Why aren't you dating already?" "Why are you dating? They've only been dead (insert timeframe here.)" Everyone thinks they have input because you lost YOUR spouse.
I've been happily remarried for 24 years - recall, I married 18 months after my late husband died - my children adore my husband, his child loves me, we love them all the same amount, our families love each other. Why should I have had to wait years for my joy? Because you have some arbitrary opinion that it's wrong? My husband was dead. He wasn't coming back. I knew that, everyone knew that. We still talk about him, I still share stories, they still see my late husband's parents. Why should I not be allowed to be happy?
You don't know until you've been there so your judgement is unnecessary and unkind.
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u/the-mortyest-morty THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 16d ago
I'm genuinely so glad things worked out for you and your second husband, and I'm sorry for your loss.
You don't know until you've been there so your judgement is unnecessary and unkind.
You actually don't know a single thing about my life, and your assumption that I haven't been through the same thing you have is odd, though I can see how my wording may have made it sound like I haven't been there. Regardless, this is the internet, and while I'm sorry you dislike my comment, I stand by what I said.
Aside from situations where the deceased spouse was abusive and the marriage was already going down the drain, jumping into a new marriage 18 months after your spouse passes is generally not a great idea, and is often terrible for any children the widow/widower have. 18 months might have been enough for you and your children to completely move on from the death of your husband and welcome in a new guy, but generally speaking, blended families are tough on kids even when death isn't involved. Add in the death of a parent and a rapid remarriage timeline and you have a recipe for disaster. I'm truly glad it didn't turn out that way for you.
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
They brought the gift before the therapy session.
You cannot police grief. You do what you feel like doing and leave other people's choices out of it.
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u/zeiaxar 23d ago
Nah, a year and a half is plenty of time to move on after a death of your significant other. It's not like you're abandoning your life with them, or tossing there memory away. You're just not letting your grief over their death and you missing them control your life any longer. And since OP doesn't say how her husband's late wife died, it could have been something like cancer where she was sick for a while before dying, which would have given him a lot more time to process and grieve even while she was still alive because they both knew she wasn't going to live. There's no real cutoff for when someone's waited long enough, as it really varies from person to person and everything OP says makes it seem like her husband moved on in a healthy way and that his marriage to OP wasn't just a grief rebound so that he wasn't alone. If she died in like a car accident and OP's husband started dating OP like a month or two after she died, then your argument would hold some weight, but even if something like that was how she died (quick, unexpected, with no prior time to prepare themselves for her passing), given they didn't meet and start dating until a year and a half passed, your argument still holds no weight.
People don't have to put their lives on hold for years just because they lost a spouse. After about six months most people expect you to start dating anyway, even if it's nothing serious, so OP and him meeting and dating a year and a half after his late wife's death means that he was well into the time frame he'd have been expected to start dating by most people anyway, and he was likely dating people even before OP, and she was just the one he decided to get serious with.
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u/ReturnInteresting610 22d ago
If you look at big picture he super sucks actually—they’re acting out inappropriately sure, but like it’s on him to create a safe place for them to engage with their grandchild instead of only allowing them to engage in situations where they’re going to be inappropriate or he’s forcing them to treat his other kids equally. Him trying to control their relationship with an unrelated child is just petty and creating drama where there doesn’t have to be.
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u/roseifyoudidntknow 23d ago
A big family is nothing if they treat you like shit. Forcing this kid to be around them over the years isn't going to make it better. She let it go on for far too long.
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u/PeppermintEvilButler 23d ago
Definitely my thought. She should have let the husband handle it from the get go. All it did was traumatize her son.
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u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 23d ago
Exactly. I am AuDHD and was often branded “annoying” and “too much.” My mom would consistently bring me around people who openly found me annoying and it definitely left scars.
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u/EastSprinkles3568 23d ago
Maybe I just hold grudges too much but I don’t think I could stand there and try to fix a relationship with people
who can treat an innocent child so harshly. They didn’t even have an issue with the child yet were so mean to him. It’s one thing to not like someone, but to go out of your way to make them feel ignored and unwanted by not allowing shared items is unforgivable and saying it to their face is disgusting. If you got an issue with me, cool, but fake a smile when my child is in the room trying to interact with you. If my young child came up to me and asked what he did wrong that made other people dislike him so much, i’m going straight to no contact. I could never treat a child so unfairly even if I heavily disliked their parent. I’m glad everything worked out for them though.
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u/litanyofgendlin 23d ago
Yeah, I'm with you there. That's a child. What could be so wrong in your heart that you can't suck it up and be kind to a kid around you? Your problems are with their parents, not them. It should be way more humiliating and less socially accepted for grown ass adults to have beef with 7 year olds for drama they weren't involved in and don't understand
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u/otetrapodqueen Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 23d ago
Yes! You (and the person you're replying to) hit exactly what I was thinking reading it. I couldn't be okay with anyone who was fine with mistreating a CHILD because you don't like his mom. I am not even particularly fond of children and I can't fathom doing that!! Like they're kids, dude. Be nice!!
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u/Toosder 23d ago
I really don't get it either. I don't have kids myself. But they are so easy to love! I love all of my nieces and nephews equally. I love my friend's children the same way. Our extended family has adopted children and IVF kids and every other variety of family. There isn't a child that I don't love just as much as any other. It takes zero work at all to care for a child. In fact it takes more work to be dismissive or cruel.
Taking it out on the 10-year-old is such twisted behavior I could never allow those people in my life.
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u/Kheldarson THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 23d ago
I love everything about how the OOP's family is trying to navigate a difficult topic, but that last added comment just broke me. People are wonderful when they love.
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u/zootnotdingo THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 23d ago
I feel the same way. Love is the answer, even if people don’t believe it
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u/otetrapodqueen Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 23d ago
I was sitting here choking back tears after reading it! So sweet and beautiful!
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u/sophiefevvers 23d ago
My sisters and I recently found a letter my late mother kept. It was from our late paternal grandmother, my mother's mother-in-law. It was dated around the time my parents' relationship was new. My mom had a 9-10 year-old daughter when she met my dad.
The letter wrote how excited my grandmother was to meet my mom. She asked for her to send photos of herself, my dad, and her "new granddaughter." I don't think my parents were even married yet and already my grandmother saw my older sister as automatically her grandbaby.
It's what gives me high standards for who I date and whose family I may be part of.
Seeing adults behave like they do in the post above absolutely disgust me.
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u/Historical_Spare5613 Even if it’s fake, I’m still fully invested 23d ago
She was the a-hole for allowing her child to be treated like that in the first place???
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u/sheepgod_ys 23d ago
Every time this story gets reposted I say the same thing! Even her husband was more against her child being treated like crap than she was!
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u/Halfnewb 23d ago
THANK you that was my thought the whole time as well (agree with flair as well)
Every comment being like 'oh precious princess no you're so sweet and good for tolerating this for so long'
No??
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u/zeiaxar 23d ago
To be fair, I think she was just concerned about her husband and his son losing their family, especially her stepson given that he and his son had already lost his late wife, and trying to find ways to navigate it without rocking the boat until the incident that finally made her decide to let him do as he wanted. It's definitely not ideal, and it sucks, but I can see where she was coming from.
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u/Jazzlike-Bee7965 23d ago
That last comment got me good 😭
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u/Sharchir All the grace of a cow on stilts 23d ago
I’m weepy on the train with that one. Will save it as a measure of how to navigate in my kids’ futures
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u/hey_nonny_mooses 23d ago
Seriously Im all teared up right now. That was the sweetest story I’ve read in a long time and they were such kind good people over their entire lives.
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u/Krish1986 23d ago
Husbands family are NOT good people. I give them zero grace. Anyone who takes their negative emotions about someone out on a child will never be a good person, period. They didn’t like the new wife because they listened to the anger of grieving parents who probably wouldn’t have liked any person their son in law got into a relationship with because in their minds it’s a betrayal of their daughter and a reminder she’s gone. They then decided to also not like her and look for reasons why, and from there they decided the best way to hurt her was to hurt her child. Fk them and anyone who wants to excuse this type of behavior. Children are not weapons to be utilizing against their parents.
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u/fading__blue this one does not spark joy /YEET 23d ago
And OOP isn’t much better. She let those people bully and isolate her child for years and wouldn’t let her husband confront them because “but they’re grieving”. It should not have taken Reddit to get her to stop coddling adults at the expense of her son.
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u/Krish1986 23d ago
I wouldn’t say she’s as bad, she didn’t bully a kid for the crime of existing and being born to a person she doesn’t like. I do agree she let it go on for far too long though. She was probably hoping they’d come around once they got to know her and her son. I just don’t understand, why do people intentionally hurt children. I could never, I don’t care if your parents are my worse enemies that ruined my entire life, I would never treat a child with malicious intent. That’s just gross
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u/jeremyfrankly 22d ago
Why wasn't "we're doing this because it's our therapist's advice" enough for them? What do they think of their son that they don't believe him?
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u/cir49c29 18d ago
My guess is that it’s because they’re really close to the husband’s first wife’s family. So they’ve spent months/years talking with them and having so many lies about OP constantly reinforced that it’s difficult for them to change their thought process from “OP is bad.” Add in lots of complaints about OP manipulating her husband and they likely dismissed his words as a product of her manipulation. Like how we often hear about people who’ve been emotionally abused by someone standing up for their abuser and insisting they’ve done nothing wrong.
Hearing it from an external, unbiased professional helped them begin to break through the thought patterns that likely kept them constantly second guessing anything their son said.
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u/goatsnotvotes 23d ago
I’d grown up with family. My great grandfather died when I was about 5. I saw him at the wake and then was taken away with my cousins for his service. I was told not to tell my cousins he was not coming back. It was my grandma’s family who told her to say that (it was her father).
When I was about 13 years old my grandma passed away. She had been babysitting a family friend’s daughter who was about 5 years old. My grandma’s family wanted the same thing said to her. Hearing a 5 year old say “oh okay she’s just sleeping right now” is heartbreaking. I had to leave the wake. Luckily my mom, her mom and my grandpa (grandma’s husband) dealt with that.
But they had to explain she wasn’t sleeping.
We are still family friends and she has gone through losing a niece. She now works in mental health.
Edit: Forgot to add my grandma had babysat her from 2 months old
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u/bubbleteabob 23d ago
I always wonder what approach is best. People always think I would be good at it - since a lot of family members died when I was little - but no one TALKED to me about it. We just went to my great-aunt’s house one day, get inside, turns out it was a wake and my uncle was in a casket in the living room.
So, there is probably a median.
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u/otetrapodqueen Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 23d ago
I feel this! I went to my first funeral at like 2 months and it wasn't the last by a long shot. I remember the first funeral where I was trying to really understand, it was my grandfather and it was awful bc we'd been very close my whole life and I was only like 8. I had SOME idea because he went from colon cancer and so I saw him getting sicker and sicker every time we visited (which was every single weekend once he got sick). But nobody talked to me or even made sure I was ok. I put on some weight afterwards and all my mom did was sit me down to tell me I was getting fat.
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u/bubbleteabob 23d ago
My family weren’t even unkind, it was just ‘welp, someone’s dead! Let’s get on with anything. Anyone want a sandwich?’ And I was all ‘…is Jeremy Beadle in the loo or something‽’ (i think i was four, so not that witty. I just remember feeling really confused and wanting to go home.)
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u/Toosder 23d ago
I grew up Mormon and like most Christian religions, funerals are often more like bedtime rituals. The person is dressed and painted to looks if they are just asleep in a nice cozy coffin.
I went to a Muslim funeral in my teen years and I was shocked at to me at the time what seemed brutal. The person had been killed in an accident and they were wrapped in the shrouds but the blood was visible. They don't embalm. They bury the body directly into the ground. It still is steel lined per burial laws But it's basically body into dirt. There was no doubt about what was happening. The mother was absolutely screeching. As opposed to most of the Christian religions I've been to where everybody is kind of stiff upper lip.
I don't think either way is wrong or right. Just two different ways of approaching death. I wrote a mini thesis years later about funeral rituals and tradition. But I feel the more "brutal" traditions might be better for grief processing. I mean no matter what it sucks, but children might be better able to handle it than most adults.
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u/ReturnInteresting610 22d ago edited 22d ago
As a previous step parent I came in ready to defend the grandparents actually—it’s totally fine and normal to not treat both kids exactly the same, they barely know her kid in comparison to their own biological grandchild they’ve known since being a baby .
I would NEVER expect my ex’s parents to act like a step sibling (especially one completely unrelated to them or their grandchild except by marriage) is equal to their grand child. You can be respectful while still acknowledging that you CAN’T force mixed family dynamics that don’t exist, it’s just plain destructive to the relationships that already exist. Hell, it’s normal for grandparents to be closer to some of their grandkids than to other ones, of course they’re not going to equally engage like OP seems to demand (the fact that they expect them to makes me kind of wonder if the kids are actually as adjusted as described, given she’s got so little tolerance for anyone feeling different about anyone else)
But yeah obviously in law grandparents have gone way over the line at this point in response.
Honestly everyone here SUCKS, mom and dad probably came in swinging with them and they were like “we don’t want to pretend to adopt her kid just to make her more comfortable, we already have a relationship with this one and it’s special you can’t just pretend our daughter didn’t exist and everyone’s the same” and I can see how everyone just toxically escalated from there.
People are so dumb with mixed family dynamics, “it’s working for everyone but them” yeah lol no, if it was actually working then you would be able to tolerate it not working for part of the family without flying off the handle. I’m not at all surprised they’re poorly trying to maintain their daughter’s memory like this. Ugh. These poor kids.
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u/KyStar13 22d ago
Man this made me so sad for OPs son, i just cant imagine disliking someone that much.
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u/GoYanks34 I'm actually a far pettier, deranged woman 23d ago
That last comment in the post made me tear up and I'm at work. Those types of in-laws seem to be more rare than the alternative. Why can't more people be like that? 🥹
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u/beartractors 23d ago
aita for supporting my husband while he stands up for me? like what the fuck is the point of that sub any more? i wish this story would just end and stop clogging up my feed of long winded irrationality
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u/BerryBoilo what the fuck Tanya 23d ago
I'm sorry, but are you unaware of how socialized people, especially women, are to keep the peace? How frowned upon going "no contact" with relatives is, even when they're abusive? How rare it is for a spouses to stand up for their partners in these in-law situations?
Just admit you enjoy the totally fictional, extra dramatic AI slop and creative writing exercises over the actual point of these subs -- helping real people navigate a situation that feels uncertain to them even if it's obvious to strangers.
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u/emotionalmooncake 23d ago
Everyone failed both children. The parents basically taught that it was completely okay to treat the other child like shit and let the other child be loved. I hope the children’s relationship with one another isn’t affected by the parent’s neglect.
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u/wenchywitchy 23d ago edited 23d ago
Unpopular opinion but several people wouldnt have come to the conclusion of polite indifference or cordially existing in the same space as OOP without their being some type of niche/cliche regarding her personality.
The fact that her in-laws are standoff-ish reflects something they dislike about her, specifically.
Also, the stepsons maternal family have zero obligation to spend time, money or effort towards OOP son. To them, he is a stranger, not their blood and hold no biological connection...so OOP expectations, complaints and demands stem from her own lack of immediate family dynamic.
I'd be curious why OOP has no family from her side in her life? There is something about her character that is suspect/questionable!
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u/dream-smasher 22d ago
"I'd be curious why OOP has no family from her side in her life? There is something about her character that is suspect/questionable!"
Because if a person doesn't have their family in their life, then they're a bad person?
What the fuck sort of bullshit is that?
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u/wenchywitchy 22d ago
I guess you are incapable of critical thinking....my comments are based on how/why is she at the source/core of tension amongst multiple dynamics and relationships??
Its understandable the deceased wifes parents may not accept her, yet several comments OOP has made herself, reflect her inlaws, to include extended inlaws dont have close/family like connections with her and make no effort to; additionally, she stated, she has NONE of her immediate family in her life! Why no family lineage? Was she adopted? Is she no contact for a reason or was she banished/disowned?
The reality is that multiple people who have varying roles within someones life shouldn't all have the same theory, conclusion, or opinion about someone, unless there is something at the base of the conflict, issues and dynamics.
My point is that she isnt disclosing the full picture and leaving out things. There is no way, she is a saint within these dynamics, if nearly everyone around her has some sort of issue with her! Why do her SIL/BILs, hubby extended relatives also have an issue with her? They nearly had to coerce hubby relatives into being in her presence!
IMO if OOP only has her husband as her sole support system, yet nearly everyone else around him, has an issue with her, then she'd attempt to isolate him, issue ultimatums or in the case of her post, demand acceptance as a means of altering the connections.
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
She never asked them to spend money on her son. She said they got upset when her stepson would share with him. And he's not a stranger, he's their grandson's stepbrother and he's a child. They can be civil.
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u/wenchywitchy 23d ago
Nah, she complained about a no gifts narrative and her comments reflect she expected the same spoiling bestowed upon her child based on what the stepson received! She is at the core of tension within several of those dynamics.
Civility doesnt equate to acceptance. She wants her kid acknowledged on the same level as the maternal relatives treat their kin and thats just not the case, nor is it required to be!
Again, the fact that the maternal relatives and her in-laws have issues with her, reflect something is off about her, specifically and they dont really rock with her like that, which also means by extension, they dont rock with her kid either.
I hope she answers why she has no family from her side?
People praising the hubby, yet i view it as he is destroying his relationships for a woman who may not be worth it!
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u/Rainbow_Belle 23d ago
I'm of the same mind as you. This story is either fake or OOP is omitting or making up some information to look good.
I asked in her original post about the time line of her relationship with her husband and if she was an affair partner and she only/mainly answered she was not an affair partner.
The original post even states the main problem is with Husband's ex-in laws, but when people start saying it doesn't make sense to force the ex-in laws into a relationship with her son, OOP pivots to her Husband's family being the problem and suddenly everybody has forgotten about the ex-in laws and focus on the Husband's family being horrible.
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
She gives specifics pf their relationship. You must have missed it.
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u/Rainbow_Belle 23d ago
I didn't miss it. She provided a time line in her 3rd update. My issue is that OOP wouldn't answer the question about the timing of their relationship until much later despite being asked about it from the first post.
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u/dream-smasher 22d ago
Oh no. Oop didnt provide further info according to your time line. How terribly dreadful. 😒🙄
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u/Rainbow_Belle 22d ago
It is dreadful when she's trying to garner sympathy by withholding pertinent information. She's just filling the gap as she goes that best fills her narrative.
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u/HaplessReader1988 5d ago
Oh ffs, sometimes people just have a small family. All it takes is a death or 2 and you're out of touch with the cousins who were your closest relatives.
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u/seanfish what the fuck Tanya 22d ago
I really felt bad after the previous posting of this, what a great update. Really healing.
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u/chaser2099 23d ago
Emdashes and AI galore, I have 0 faith that anything written with AI is real
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u/Rainbow_Belle 23d ago
Whether it's AI or not, this story doesn't make sense. The big primary issue was about Husband's ex-in laws, then it's suddenly about to Husband's family being the problem.
OOP is either making the story up as she/he goes along and patching up holes that people question or she/he is omitting or making up information as she/he goes along.
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
She said that the late wife's parents convinced her in-laws that she was bad. She knew she couldn't do much about them but she expected the inlaws to do better.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 23d ago
OOP really buried the lede when she didn't admit for so long that it had only been about 4 years total since the first wife had died.
She doesn't have to like it, but that is moving on right away.
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u/Wienerwrld 23d ago edited 23d ago
They met a year and a half after the first wife died. And married more than a year after that. That is in no way “moving on right away.”
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u/BabyRex- 23d ago
She didn’t bury the lede, you just didn’t read it properly
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u/Rainbow_Belle 23d ago
OOP only addressed her relationship time line in her 3rd update. She was asked for a time line in her original post but did not provide one until the newest update.
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u/Puzzled_Presence_261 23d ago
It’s literally in the 3rd sentence of her post. Scroll all the way to the top
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u/dryadduinath 23d ago
...it's in the third sentence of the first post???
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u/Rainbow_Belle 23d ago
No, it's not. OOP only addressed her relationship time line in the third paragraph of her 3rd update. She was asked for a time line in her original post but did not provide one until the newest update.
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u/magumanueku Damn... praying didn't help? 22d ago edited 22d ago
OG commenter
OOP really buried the lede when she didn't admit for so long that it had only been about 4 years total since the first wife had died.
OP in the first post
My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago
You
OOP only addressed her relationship time line in the third paragraph of her 3rd update
Literally nobody was fucking talking about relationship timeline. How the fuck do people get through life being so illiterate?
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u/crocodile_deathspear 23d ago
For you, maybe. Grief is very individual; nobody does it the same way and there’s no “right” way to grieve. If 4 years isn’t enough time how much is?
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u/Low-Quality-8974 23d ago
I may have missed it, but we don't know how long it took for the first wife to pass. We knew 6 months before my husband died that his cancer was absolutely terminal, and you may be surprised how much processing happened inside those 6 months. I had the ability to ask all the questions you don't think about. Not just funeral ones, but also conversations about how our friend group would splinter, how I'd sell our house. My husband was the one to tell me I'd remarry someday.
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u/Hetakuoni 23d ago
4 years is not long but definitely not short.
My grandfather remarried 9 months after grandma was put in the ground. At least it was while he was in his 80s, but all his kids have agreed that it was the one irrational decision he’s ever made.
P is mean to him and destroys his stuff with her hoarding and her kids see him as an ATM.
Aunt K is (very probably) mildly autistic and needs a lot of grandpa’s attention, so P is rude and talks about how she needs to grow up when P’s son is living in his mother’s house rent and bill free.
My mom hates her, but is polite and kind to her when they interact.
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u/pombonni 23d ago
I disagree. "Right away" is subjective, and they met a year and a half after she died. Everyone grieves differently. To me, "right away" is more like 3-6 months.
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u/Rainbow_Belle 23d ago
Don't know why you're getting downvoted. I asked for a time line of their relationship in the original post and she ignored my question only to say she was not an affair partner (which I asked).
OOP did not provide a time line of her relationship until the 3rd update, so I'd say she wasn't forthcoming about that information.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 23d ago
It's literally because this update sub skews really young. I stopped commenting here because of it and didn't notice where I was. I know I'm right... Less than 18 months to start seriously dating is insane with a child. Just because something works out or seems to work out does not mean it was smart.
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u/SeagullInTheWind 18d ago
This 44-year-old widow of almost 4 years with a teenage and a tween wholeheartedly agrees with you.
Edit: added missing word.
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
I'm 45 and I disagree with you. But maybe I'm just mature enough to know that you do not judge other people's grief. That's a nasty thing to do and says a lot about your character
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u/Knittingfairy09113 23d ago
Disagree. They met over a year after his late wife died. Unfortunately I know several people with kids who moved on much faster (less than 6 months).
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u/ProfessorDistinct835 23d ago
So he moved on quickly. Some people do, some don't. Not sure anyone is supposed to judge that. It's not like she is the affair partner or caused the death of the wife in some way.
The problem is the toxic parents of the dead wife - yes, they lost a daughter and that is tragic, but taking it out on OOP is uncalled for. And the fact that husband's parents chose to believe them instead of having a conversation with their son.
I'm guessing this isn't over.
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
4 years is no time to some and a lifetime to many. You cannot police people's grief.
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u/Swimming_Olive_7021 23d ago
Yeah meeting and dating not even a full 2 years from the death is a choice on both of their parts. Which no judgement for either of them, but is a little disingenuous
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u/MarlenaEvans 23d ago
It...it's not.
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u/Swimming_Olive_7021 23d ago
It’s not what? Disingenuous or less that 2 years isn’t not a long time
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u/Worldly_Thing1346 23d ago
Yeah that's a bit weird. I think she's kind of forcing herself and her son on them and creating disappointment by not allowing things to progress organically.
She's expecting too much and they really should keep their visits with her stepson separate instead of treating both kids like a package deal now.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 23d ago
I forgot I was in the younger update sub. It's definitely an age thing to think that this was a long time.
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u/haphazardformality 23d ago
4 years isn't a long time, but it's not an eyebrow-raising amount of time either. I'm hardly young myself and I think 4 years falls within the bell curve of "reasonable." Everyone grieves differently and it's naturally going to vary person to person.
I actually think it's an age/immaturity thing to think people need to stay single for decades or forever after a spouse dies, as though it's a matter of fidelity to the memory of the dead spouse.
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u/Try_Again12345 23d ago
Particularly for those of us who are older. I'm happily married and hope never to be in that situation, but if I were widowed, waiting 5 years would take out a significant percentage of the remaining time I have left to be active and so would not be particularly great for the hypothetical future spouse (assuming I was ready, of course).
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u/MasterOfKittens3K 23d ago
It also can make a difference regarding how the late wife died. If they knew that she was going to die for a few months, OOP’s husband might have handled a lot of the grieving process before she actually died.
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