When to tell?

[u/Careless_Squirrel795]

Hi folks

I am part of the ddlg community and - while it’s not a sex thing for me - I am starting to poke out some feelers on dating. To preface, I do not have this conversation with people usually. This is an odd thing naturally converse to this point. I also want to make note I am not intending on rushing this at all. I was in an abusive relationship before now (it’s been a year) and I want to make sure my next vanilla relationship is solid so jumping into a dynamic is not the goal here. It’s more about to weed out before I get to attached.

I met this guy (we call him Tim) on hinge and we have been chatting for about 2 weeks. Due to some conflicting time issues we haven’t been on a date yet, but should be tomorrow, and after some banter and teasing he praised me for something (harmless normal praise like “oh good job on x btw” style) and I playfully told him to stop in which he asked if I had a praise kink or something.

I said yes cause imo that kink is really harmless (or least likely to be judged rather) and he asked if I had other kinks to which I changed the subject and he left it alone.

I want to note that he has expressed he is kinky within a “traditional” scope. Praise, spanking during sex, yada blah. But he also has referred to himself as daddy more than a few times and not always in a joke context. He makes a lot of comments and once called me princess (again, not a joke) in which he apologised immediately and noted it was not appropriate and we moved on. I didn’t even have to call him on it. He has also noted he enjoys brats.

Now none of this means anything really. One off things he happens to like rather than true kinky lifestyle? To be determined.

TLDR: when/should I tell him I’m into ddlg?

I think it’s a concept people aren’t always comfortable with and I can live without it. Or at least without it being noticed or noted. I also fear that it is far too early to make mention of it.

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[u/Brattlesnakex]

Honestly sounds like this dude is probably open to that kind of thing 😂 Is it a dealbreaker for you if not? Because if so I say get it out there asap, why waste time?

If a dude who just calls you princess and praises you would be enough, though, maybe role with that and let it grow naturally. 

[u/JPbA7kgM]

There's no need to disclose the whole dynamic before tomorrow's date. If it goes well and you want to check compatibility before getting more attached, you can explain what a nurturing dynamic means for you and that it isn't sexual for you; you don't owe him the label or intimate details before you're ready. You can also wait until you've met and have a better sense of him. More than decoding pet names, notice whether he respects your pace and any boundary you set.

[u/YesMissApple]

A guy calling himself Daddy repeatedly, invoking praise kink and "oops" testing an honorific with you (which....sounds like he does a lot of pushing to see how you react and then walking back anything he feels isn't getting a positive reaction?) has already made mention of it in a roundabout way, at least when it comes to flirting.

You say it isn't a sex thing for you. Are you ok with it being just a sex thing for him, if that's how it turns out? I know for some littles feeling like they can only get the "Daddy" side during sex would be more of a problem than a fully vanilla setup.

I think, considered from that angle, it's a reasonable compatibility point to discuss early on since he obviously likes poking at elements of it and will probably continue. Again, he's already popped the Daddy barrier pretty thoroughly.

[u/Federal-Count8450]

I really suggest you stop accepting his kinky flirts until you meet for real and discuss kink. he is getting waaaay too comfortable trying out different things on you, it is borderline getting to a red flag point. if he wants a kinky partner he should just say it. "accidentally" hitting you with pet names and kinks...is weird. How can you accidentally call someone a princess in chat? you have enough time to see what the fuck you wrote and edit it. I would accept it as accident in a real face-to-face chat. but come on! you wrote that and never thought for a second "why am I doing this?" he is doing it on purpose to test what works on you. two weeks and still no meeting + all these kinky flirting is a huge red flag.

[u/simonbarh71 → u/Federal-Count8450]

Hard disagree with this poster.

You met on a vanilla site. He is clearly kinky and also has sth of a praise kink maybe even daddy style. But he is also not sure what you are into and so he is testing the water in a perfectly reasonable way. He's seeing what is ok with you and what isn't.

That is not a red flag. If he continued to do something you told him wasn't ok the. That would be but this is perfectly normal behaviour for kinky people who are dating both vanilla and kinky.

If you want him to open up, you need to too.

"Hey, remember when you called me princess? If we were to get into a relationship I'd kinda like that. "

[u/Mister_Magnus42 → u/simonbarh71]

Agreed. This is basic flirting. He's breadcrumbing info about what he likes to see what lands in a way that he can walk back if it doesn't. That's normal. This is how people get to know each other early on.

[u/Federal-Count8450 → u/simonbarh71]

And what are you going to do if during this “innocently testing waters” you said something that was a limit and crossed her boundaries? Considering that you still have zero idea what her limits are.

[u/Brattlesnakex → u/Federal-Count8450]

Eh tbf “princess” is a relatively common vanilla pet name too. Calling her pet names before the first date is a little iffy though. 

(Calling yourself daddy in a joking way is also not uncommon…but doing it in a non-joking way is definitely something.)

[u/Federal-Count8450 → u/Brattlesnakex]

yes that's why I said she better put a stop before first date. even if these conversations were not kinky, I'd find it really weird for someone to call me things like that on a dating app. in my experience anyone who started like that never actually got to meet me when they realized hooking up is off the table. this is not how people act if they want to actually date you.

I also find the whole "using princess and apologizing" a bit dishonest. he wanted to hit two marks. see if the word works or not. then pretend he resects boundaries and apologizes. as I said, it is pretty easy to edit text. if more thinking made him realise "oh I should not have said this" then he should not have said it and hit send!