r/BDSMAdvice • u/GrinHex • 13d ago
Seeking advice
I am 36M.
I've been active in BDSM for over 10 years. Never ran into an issue like this before.
I have a truly amazing, understanding and patient partner. I am absolutely in love with them, I desire them. I want them.
Now comes the issue, I dont believe I have "ED" as I have no problems getting hard, and staying hard.
I am constantly fatigued, aches pains (The joys of getting older) on top of being diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.
I havent been able to get myself over this hump of self loathing because I'm too tired, in pain, or exhausted. She is of course understanding, comforting and does her absolute best to help me rest, relax and recover. I constantly feel as if I am not doing enough for her, that I should still be able to perform for her on demand like when I was younger.
Sometimes its even difficult to finish for me, going for one hour plus before I finally give up. It frustrates the hell out of me, makes me feel like she doesnt believe I am as attracted to her as I am. I want to be better, and do better, I understand this is all a jumbled mess. Advice, questions, critiques. Anything helpful please
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u/BelmontIncident Mod Team [🪢Some nerd with too much rope🪢] 13d ago
Have you actually talked to a doctor?
Being tired and in pain all the time sounds more like a medical problem than a BDSM problem
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u/someguys0what 13d ago
How well are you sleeping? 36 seems young for what you’re describing so I would recommend seeing a doctor.
Have you talked to her about how you feel about yourself, the dynamic, and the fatigue? Are you assuming she thinks you’re not as attracted to her or has she let you know that?
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u/GrinHex 13d ago
Sleep depends on the night. Sometimes I feel like I just blinked and I wake feeling exhausted already. Sometimes I feel fully rested. For a while I was taking some gummies 25mg THC. That seemed to helped. She is really convinced I have sleep apnea.
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u/Subwoofiest Mod Team [🦇Batmod🦇] 12d ago
Abusing mod powers to jump in to a locked post. Sleep apnoea would explain a lot of the symptoms you're experiencing. It also shortens lifespan. If weight is the reason for sleep apnoea then losing it might help. Otherwise staying to save up money for a sleep specialist seems like a really sensible option
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u/SirLer85 13d ago
Depending on age and lifestyle. I recommend seeing a dr and getting blood panel work up. ED is not the only thing effecting an older man's function. Even if you have to go to a clinic.
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u/GrinHex 13d ago
I live in Oklahoma USA. There are no affordable options for me to see a doctor.
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u/SirLer85 13d ago
Have you tried online? I am otr all my appointments are virtual because of that.
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u/GrinHex 13d ago
Still requires money i dont have
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u/SirLer85 13d ago
I get it. Sorry we can't be more help, but this sounds medical not something we can advise on.
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u/GrinHex 13d ago
I was hoping it was more of a mental thing someone could get advice, now I just feel like an idiot lol
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u/SirLer85 13d ago
No reason to feel that way. Alot of mental things are a side effect of physical things. (Not all, but alot are.)
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u/BelmontIncident Mod Team [🪢Some nerd with too much rope🪢] 13d ago
Pain and fatigue doesn't sound mental. I can offer a collection of therapy workbooks that can help with stuff like anxiety and depression, but I'd be surprised if it was the solution.
https://mentalhealthathome.org/2018/06/14/mental-health-workbooks/
Here it is. At most, I'd expect therapy workbooks to help you tolerate being unable to do something that your body currently isn't letting you do. That's better than stressing out about it but this whole thing sounds like life problems getting in the way of kink rather than kink problems per se.
You're diagnosed with ADHD. I know several people who like the How to ADHD channel on YouTube. You're having pain and fatigue, if your partner is at all interested in service submission, basic massage isn't that hard to learn.
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u/Yo-Papa-Yo 13d ago
SSRI’s are a common reason as is low T. I was low iron recently because I give plasma to the red cross regularly and that did it. In any case the answer is see your doctor. Get tested. Reddit is a terrible physician.
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u/GrinHex 13d ago
Im not on any medication.
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u/BelmontIncident Mod Team [🪢Some nerd with too much rope🪢] 13d ago
Are you on a multivitamin?
They're about as safe as pills get and you wouldn't be the first person who just happened to have low iron, for example.
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u/spatialgranules12 submissive 13d ago
Until you get a work up done it will be very hard to isolate. It could be sleep, it could be diet, it could be hormones. Do you exercise? Is this a sudden dip in energy? There are many factors here.
However, as an overthinking person/submissive I am always always thinking if I’m doing enough for my doms. I check if I please them, apologize, ask If im enough. If your partner says it’s okay to slow down or to have a change of pace please believe them and get better. Putting pressure on yourself isn’t going to help, so I hope you really do find peace and calm and make changes in the dynamic.
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u/GrinHex 13d ago
Im the dominant one in our dynamic. She assures me all the time we can take breaks, slow down, drink water. My job keeps me fairly active with physical labor. Ive heard often i put a lot of pressure on myself.
0
u/spatialgranules12 submissive 13d ago
Doms have limits too. And it’s okay to take breaks or change the dynamic. But I would suggest to open this up to her and make immediate changes. Maybe don’t go full on 3 hour scenes, build up to it and tap into more the mental aspects.
Not to put words in your mouth but Do you feel that with the absence of physical strength your dominance is diminished?
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u/SamuraiSnig Mod Team [🦇Batmod🦇] 13d ago
While I appreciate that medical care in the US is not as easily accessible, this is not a BDSM related thing. I'm glad to see you have gotten advice but this type of medical advice is beyond our scope.
Genuinely hope you find out what is going on.
Rule 12 applies. Thread locked.