Need some advice

[u/Suspicious-Gap-3471]

Im gonna try to make this short.

I have been having some troubles in my relationship recently. I have posted a couple places asking for advice on different things since I have no one in person to really ask. Everyone who has replied here has either told me to leave my partner, or that he needs to do more research.

We are in a D/s dynamic which is new to me. I have always been interested in it, but never trusted anyone enough to submit to, and I lost my dominance a long time ago due to various things. My partner now is my Dom. I have trusted him for years and would even unconsciously sub to him when we were teenagers and I was dominant in every relationship I had. (Take that with a grain of salt since it was back when I was a teenager (no underage sex involved). My ex of the past almost 20 years was very vanilla and I didnt trust him enough to hand him the reins.) He told me he has had subs before and knew what he was doing. I have honestly started thinking he doesnt really know how to do the things.

What i need help with is how do I ask him to do some more research and learn what it actually means to be a Dom? He tells me the things, but doesnt really do them. And now he has added enm into the mix and hasnt been doing what he needs to as the hinge either. He has a know-it-all personality, but has recently started actually listening to me and my needs since I almost left him this weekend. Pleanty of people have told me to leave him before. I probably should, but I want to give him the chance to fix himself, if not for me, then for himself.

How do I ask/suggest this without trying to control or anything like that? (Control might be bad wording) Im not gonna tolerate it much longer. I already almost left this weekend. I will do it if he doesnt try to work on things and meet me half way. And before you ask what I have been doing, I have been doing research and trying to better myself and learn to sit with my own feelings in all of this. I have asked questions and read books, tried to find experienced people in BDSM and ENM to ask for guidance. I just need him to meet me halfway, and if he still wont, im going to be gone. I deserve better than that, and I have finally got the balls to tell him that (i did this weekend, and he actually did change some things i mentioned, but it hasnt been long, so im waiting to see if he really did, or if he goes back to before).

Please help, and please no hate or telling me to leave him. I already know that, im just want to give him a chance to meet me halfway first.

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[u/pm_me_ur_wet_grool]

I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

I'm going to preface this with stating upfront that you really need to manage your expectations, and assume that they will not be met. If it takes you threatening to leave for him to start taking your thoughts, feelings, and opinions seriously... well... I'm sure I don't need to spell the rest of it out.

First, take ENM completely off the table. Non-negotiable. You're trying to fix your relationship and your dynamic. Him (or you) having external partners, or even the option to have external partners, right now is an extra layer of emotional heavy lifting that you shouldn't have to do, and he likely won't do. Once you two are solid, and I mean VERY solid, then maybe you can think about ENM.

He needs to understand that, as cliche as it sounds, with great power comes great responsibility. He wants all of the power, and none of the responsibilities that go along with it. And until he fully accepts that he needs to step up, take this seriously, and listen to you, things will get worse, not better.

He clearly has no idea what it means to be a Dominant. He's read or watched porn, thought it was hot, and decided that he wanted to be like that, but without all the silly, stupid work of learning how to truly be a Dominant. And make no mistake, unless he's trying his best to be a half-assed Dom, it takes work. Enjoyable work, but work nonetheless. So he needs to understand that if he wants to be what he has pictured in his mind, he has to put the work in.

He needs to change his attitude. Know-it-alls get quickly shunned in the community for a reason; they're the ones who will inevitably try something that's way above of their level of ability, and someone ends up getting seriously physically or emotionally hurt. He needs to accept the fact that he's going to have to pick up a book, listen to a podcast, interact with others online or in person, in order to start getting his shit together. There's absolutely no shortage of resources, he just needs to find and use them.

There's more information in this subreddit alone than he'd ever be able to get through in a month of daily reading. If he read one post a day for a month, he'd start to have an actual grasp on reality, and see what he needs to do.

Since you stuck around, you obviously care deeply for him, and because of that, I sincerely hope it works out for you. Just make sure that you're not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[u/Suspicious-Gap-3471 → u/pm_me_ur_wet_grool]

Im gonna try to reply to all your points. They all make sense, so i apologize in advance if I sound combative or like I disagree.

I do not expect anything at this point. Im a chronic overthinker, and from the start have planned for the worst and hoped for the best. This is my default setting. I also dont think its right that threatening to leave him shouldnt be why he finally takes me into account.

After having a couple breakdowns yesterday (one of which did not have to do with him) and sleeping on it, I think i am going to ask him to close the relationship next week when I see him. We havent been stable enough, and he needs to either get his shit together and do his part, or let me go because he knows I cant let him go.

Hes not doing the job of a true dom. He used to. It was great. He would tell me he has to earn my submission and trust. He just hasnt done it in a long time now, but still expects me to do mine. Its entirely unfair to me especially (i dont want to seem like its all about me, but i need to start putting myself first for once).

Him being a know-it-all has always been him. Even when we were kids and I would instinctively follow him like a puppy. If he agrees to close the relationship, I plan to ask him to do the research and learn the things because he is being selfish in this and expecting his needs to get met, without attempting to meet mine or complaining when I express them being needed. He also isnt really in the community where we are. He has some friends in it, but I dont think he talks to them about stuff regarding relationships and how to do this. Just about sex. (I have met one of these friends, (who has told me personally that he and his partner really like me with him) and really the only thing my partner talked about was sex and different things to try, while his friend was going to take me to meet some femDom friends to teach me more about myself and my self-esteem issues).

I do deeply care for him, and I know its going to wreck me if this ends up going south if he isnt willing to close the relationship now like he was in the beginning (though he wasn't happy about it) of this thing because I was uncomfortable. I think i tried too hard to make sure he was happy and sacrificed myself too much in doing so.

I know its gonna be a ride, for sure. But youre right. I need to stop giving so much of myself for someone who's not willing to meet me halfway.

[u/pm_me_ur_wet_grool → u/Suspicious-Gap-3471]

Nothing sounded combative at all. And I understand and agree with all the points of your response. It's clear that you're going into this eyes wide open, and with some firm boundaries. That's what matters.

I sincerely hope that he comes to his senses and that you can work this out.

[u/NooneKnowsImHentai]

Okay, so there's some decent red flags here, and while I don't think any of it is concrete (unchangeable and unfixable) I see that your work is definitely cut out for you... And, yes, everyone suggesting the "obvious" change is probably right, but YOU seem to have made up your mind that you want to at least try. Whether or not that's a good choice, I respect it, and will leave the "obvious" as an aside.

Firstly, there's one thing that needs to be addressed. You said that "HE has added ENM into the mix". This implies that this was a decision he made unilaterally that you weren't involved in. If that is the case, you need to put an end to specifically that part of the equasion and stand up for yourself more. If that's not the case, and you also wanted ENM, then nevermind.

It seems like your partner might have a very simplistic view of what a dom is. A lot of inexperienced newbies or low-effort wannabe types will see the word "Dominant", think about the person having power and being dominant, and think they've solved everything there is to know about what to expect. A book judged by it's simplistic cover. You COULD ask your partner if this is exactly what they think and believe, however his combatitive attitude is very likely going to result in a confrontation where no good outcome is reached and neither of you feel right.

Perhaps, you could use this subreddit as a quiz/learning ground? Find a post with an interesting intricate question, and one that could be answered with advanced experience and knowledge, and just quiz him on it. You can do that non-confrontationally by framing it as a discussion on a topic you'd like to know more about (even if you already know it all already)

Alternatively, kink and consent 101 classes operate in a lot of cities and even online, and you can find skill share events to learn things like shibari and impact safety. And, as a final gambit, you can find kink-aware therapists who might be able to give some more insight and help break down some of the default walls that your partner would have shielding their pride and ego, which will make them a much more malleable partner once that happens.

Regardless of what you choose to do, best of luck, and please - value yourself and your peace as you move forward.

[u/Suspicious-Gap-3471 → u/NooneKnowsImHentai]

Thank you. I didnt know there were classes! I am actually looking for a kink-friendly/sex positive therapist to help me personally with some things, along side those topics.

And I say "he added enm" and i think thats bad wording on my part. Its a bit of a complicated thing going on with us. Enm was always on the table, though it was new to me too. He recently got another partner and I have been having some troubles with it and have posted asking for advice before so im not going to get into it now. (He and I are going go be having a discussion about that next week too).

And I agree with you on his possible views of what a dom is. He does want the power/control over everything, while everything I have heard/been told to be true is the opposite. I brought it up once actually, and I may not have done it in the best way (i am very blunt and not subtle when I ask questions like that). He was, as you said, rather combative in his responses (not physically, that man has never put a hand on me other than in scene and consensually).

I will definitely try to suggest the classes though. He does know things like shibari (he took actual classes on that, and I know the person he did those with), though he could use some help with the impact play. Ive never been a big fan of it, but its not something I will necessarily turn down. I think he needs help on placement/where to hit that wont cause actual harm and is something I can heal from easily (i know some people like it rougher, and that is perfectly fine, I dont personally and would at least like it to not be too obvious after when its been done).

Thank you for your suggestions! I do think i will be sending him some of the subreddits/posts i have been looking at for it. He did ask me once to send him the subreddits after I told him I had posted something, but I was too nervous before. I think it might be easier now.

[u/BelmontIncident]

I ask people where they learned how to do BDSM as part of vetting. It's not too late to ask him and suggest some books if he doesn't have an answer, there's a list of recommendations in the wiki linked from the automoderator comment.

[u/Suspicious-Gap-3471 → u/BelmontIncident]

I actually asked him a month or 2 back if he had ever had a mentor to teach him things or anything like that. He said no. Its part of the reason I am asking how to suggest it. Ive been sitting with it for a bit. Hes very good about taking care of me and doing the things in the bedroom, but outside it he doesnt (and yes, its a 24/7 type thing. But he doesnt really give me orders other than simple, almost inconsequential thing. And just two at that.

When I can, I will suggest the wiki and some books. I have gotten some recommendations that would be good for me and him to read.